Just a bit of an update. As far as things go with myself personally I feel I am doing pretty well. GAL is really helping me out and I am already making some great friends and having a lot of fun with them. My muddled version of NC is also going well. I say muddled NC because we still are living under the same roof and have the three kids but to be more specific I am maintaining friendly but very brief communication, focused primarily on matters that involve the kids or the schedule of events throughout the week. Any form of pursuit has stopped completely and I am very happy just doing my own thing. The bachelor life (or as close to it as i can get given the sitch) is not bad at all. The thoughts of the relationship and what is happening still often pop into my head but all the work on meditation combined with anti anxiety meds that my doctor started me on are making the feelings and emotions much more manageable and they are not consuming me like they did in the past. I am also eating better and sleeping way better now that I am properly handling my thoughts and feelings. One area that I am really struggling with is the kids and seeing what they are going through. My relationship with them has never been better, my self improvement work is helping our relationship immensely. When it comes to WAW though it is hard for me to watch how this is effecting them. Just to give you an example this past weekend W never came home on Friday and other then a 20 minute stop on Saturday to get changed into fresh clothes didn't show up until noon on Sunday which also happened to be D4's birthday. We did family dinner to celebrate D4's birthday but as soon as that was done W said she was going for a walk and didn't come back until after midnight. I really don't know who this person is, W went from being the most loving, caring, fun, never wanting to be a way from the kids mother to basically walking away from them every chance she gets. Witnessing this night after night is really hard but I am doing my best to try and not let it get to me too much and I am doing a good job of not reacting. I simply say bye and go about my business with the kids. I am really appreciative of the time spent with my kids and am doing everything in my power to make sure they are well taken care of and feel extra love from me but I sure wish they weren't in the middle of all this.
So last night was just weird. W came home from work at 11:30 last night, Tuesday is her late night. I was busy in the kitchen packing up the kids lunches and gave her a friendly hello as she walked in the door and went back to what I was doing. I finished up and went back to the couch to watch a bit of late night before bed. W comes down from upstairs and sits in the chair across from me and Asks me if I'm dating to which I replied No and that I thought that was an odd question to ask. She said we need to discuss this and set up a boundary about not bringing people we are dating around the kids. I made it clear that I wanted no part of this discussion at this time but since the topic had now been brought up that I agree that we don't bring just anybody around the kids. W kept pressing for some info from me, who are you talking to?, who are you hanging out with all the time? are you dating? are you on dating apps? I advised her that I was not having this discussion, she kept pressing so I walked away and went to bed. This morning I can't help but wonder where the heck all this came from. These questions are all very strange, really non of her business and there is so much more important stuff that needs to be sorted out before any of this is even considered. I am wondering if this is confirmation that there is an OM. I wish I hadn't walked away because this would have been a good opportunity to re enforce some of the boundaries that I have recently set that seem to go ignored but walking away at the time was best. My plan for tonight though is to sit her down and re discuss my boundaries since she seems to want to go down that road and they are as follows:
1. I have a level of expectation that the house will be kept clean and that if the two of us are living together that needs to be maintained by both parties. Laundry on the floor, dishes piled up right above the dishwasher and papers and junk left lying around will not be tolerated and will be disposed of on the weekend.
2. I have submitted a detailed budget to her with all living and kids expenses that are paid on a monthly basis. She is to review, add items that she has coming out of her account and we are to split all house, child and grocery expenses 50/50.
3. We are no longer together and what each of us is doing when we are out, who we are hanging out with is none of the other persons business.
4. The schedule for both of us is to be added to our shared google calendar by Saturday and will be reviewed and altered by Sunday. On some occasions plans may change last minute but as much notice is to be given as possible. Not all changes will be possible to accommodate on a case by case basis but an effort is to be made by both parties to reach an agreement.
We will see how things go tonight but I suspect they will continue to be ignored in which case alternate living arrangements will have to be made.
It’s important to make sure your boundaries are enforceable. A weak boundary is worse than no boundary. For example - what happens if she doesn’t clean her laundry? Dishes? It sounds like more of a rule/expectation than a boundary.
Also, I think you did the right thing by walking away. But instead of saying “no”, keep it as none of her business. Why give her the answer if you also say it’s not her business?
Sounds like you’re doing well though. Enjoy your time with the kids!
Amoafwl, Thanks for the feedback. Clear, healthy, enforceable boundaries are new to me and I am learning as I go. I think a good action plan would be to enforce that papers, junk etc. will be thrown out. Laundry left on the floor will be collected in garbage bags and placed in the garage. The dishes are a tough one since I also need clean dishes but I think a good measure for this one would be if I find myself doing all the chores then the joint living arrangement will not work and W will have to find other living arrangements and that this will also be another boundary of mine that needs to be added to the list. Thoughts?
How are you going to force her to move somewhere else? I’d say that it’s better to make clear what the expectations are together. Also...how is it ok for her to be gone Friday/Saturday and Sunday nights? When are your GAL nights? I would recommend documenting your schedule for use in the future in case there are custody issues.
Agree completely with Amoafwl. Your "expectation" that both of you will keep the house clean is not going to cut it. I would not do anything for her, but you do have to do things for your kids. Your kids cannot live in filth, so I would maintain the common areas, and yours and their rooms. Do not clean her room. Do not do her laundry. If you have a common hamper leave her clothes in it, take yours and the kids out to clean them.
Same with the finances. You can ask her to pay her share, but if she doesn't, what are you going to do? Jump up and down and scream? Hold your breath? Have a plan here. Buy only the necessities for you and the kids.
Where are here accusations of dating coming from? Likely two places.
First if there is an OM then yes it is projecting. "If I am dating then he must be too." This happens a lot. I think all of the signs of an EA and/or a PA are there in your sitch. However, it doesn't matter. You handled it pretty well, keep getting better at it.
However, it may be that she is feeling the loss of control over you. Most WASs do not handle that well. They will almost always try to find a way to reestablish control. After the LBS has begged, cried, pleaded, used logic and reason, pursued and pressured for a period of time, and then, POOF, that goes away, the WAS is all "what the heck happened? Where is he? What is he doing? Why isn't he bugging me?" It is classic pursuit-distance. Look up that thread, it is always worth a reread.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So for obvious reasons I can't force her to move somewhere else while I stay here but if that issue arises then we will have to look at selling the house and getting separate places. The disappearing act that has been happening is also something that needs to be addressed immediately and falls under #4 about the schedule being posted. I am not 100% even sure what I want to say to her on this one yet and too be honest I am finding myself a bit overwhelmed at the moment and would really appreciate as many suggestions as I could get.
I feel for you RyanHun, I am also in a Separated but live in the same house sitch. I am only a month in and can already see trouble coming. No idea how to fix it, other than just GAL. Be strong ! You are not alone and these WW's are friggin cookoo crazy.
NIbs
BD Date - 9/16/18 Me-47 Her -47 D24 D13 GD3 In house seperation
Steve, Thanks for the suggestions. Perhaps I am focusing on the wrong areas here and I clearly need to refine some of these items. The finances one I am having a hard time letting go of but you are 100% correct, ultimately there is nothing I can do to force her to pick up her share of the bills. For the most part I am only covering stuff that are necessities for me and the kids. The first thing I did was stop the shared cell phone plan and left her to get her own. The internet is another one, if she refuses to pay her share then I could simply change the wifi password and not provide access. Some of these are really petty small items but at the same time I am being taken advantage of (my fault 100%) and I need to put an end to some of that. That still leaves all the common major house expenses but I would have those on my own regardless so no sense worrying about them ultimately.
The dating thing took me by surprise but I think you nailed it on the head. It is either one or both of those scenarios and based on the amount of questions coming my way about what I am doing with my time I think option 2 is most likely where it all came from. I really dropped the ball on this one and gave her more info then I should have but it is another good lesson learned.
