W is trying to make small talk. I ignored mostly unless it directly involved D4. Went and lifted last night then drove home. More small talk. I answered as needed. Asked what the laundry basket is doing in her room, told her those are W's clean clothes to put away. W told me that I look like I'm losing a good amount of weight and adding muscle. She asked me how much I lost. I responded and said that's including muscle gains. Put D4 to bed, had dinner, said my prayers, re-listened to In The Waiting Line again and posted it here. The lyrics really hit home for me, especially in Fell asleep. First night I was able to get a full night's sleep without much anxiety.
Still planning on having the talk of having her move out. Still working on loosening her grip on my balls. Still a work in progress. No expectations of R anymore.
W texted me about paying off debt. I told her about my part in paying off my credit card and W paying off her's. She said it was "our" debt. Here is where it begins to get murky. I told her that we are sharing an account that pays off our debt each month. When she is ready to contribute more to her CC I will adjust my CC payment to make sure our head is still above water. She then said that we will "make choices" once our debt it paid off.
Baby steps my brother...I was an athlete all through college and into my 20s...now 49 was pretty much 35 lbs over weight and lacking the muscle build I had as a youngster. After 5 months lost the 35 and am stronger than I was at 30 or close to it. I use working out daily as one of my main activities, set goals, whether its lift heavier or tone more and look how confident it will start making you feel when you are out in public. Buying new clothes, revealing clothes that all give you the confidence to be on your own. This is just one GAL activity but it has done wonders for me.
Stick with it, do it daily, alter your diet, eat better, this will also help with your sleep as well. In the AM I started a routine..I started day 1 with 1 push up back in June then added 1 push up each day....there were some breaks so I would go back at times but now in Oct I start every morning with those push ups before I get in the shower, I am up to 85, when I first started I would have been lucky to do 10.
Set goals, believe them and achieve them!!
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
.....also I look at myself and say how physically strong I am at 49 and it spills over into being mentally strong and standing up for yourself. I will not let this work go to waste that I have put in to get to this point and no one can take it away from me, it is mine, only I can can decide to push through my next weight goal or to quit.
Don't give up.....on yourself!
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Why I'm expecting a light switch to go off in her head everyday is something beyond stupid and hopeless thinking.
That is all.
I think everyone hopes that deep down in their heart. As much as i keep detaching and moving on in life, there still seems to be a part of my that hopes one day she will snap out of it. I catch myself daydreaming or thinking about R and then snap out of it and realize its not happening.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
I posted another long post right after you wrote the lyrics of that song. You don't have to respond to it, but I wanted to make sure you did read it. It's at the very bottom of page 5.
I think I am caught up, although I had to skim over a few pages. I just wanted to comment on how she is making small talk and playing nicey-nice. She's just temp checking. It's not true progress in getting closer to R. She'll pursue with this type of stuff to keep you attached, until she doesn't benefit from it. You see, the thing about becoming "friends" with a wayward, is that they are more than happy to be friends with the LBH. She'll "use" him for every advantage under the sun......and she won't see him as more than a friend. (Unlike she would if she was not a WW in an affair). This is where some LBH's get confused with the DB Coaches advice. Remember, MWD does not separate the WW from the WAW, therefore, they are going to tell you to make friends before she comes out of the waywardness. IMHO, it does not work with waywards. I can explain why, if you need. This is about the biggest disagreement I have with the coaching advice.
One more thing, if she should suggest taking it a day at a time...….don't buy into her lie. This is a WW's way of maintaining the separation without commitment to the MR. She still dates, while getting support from her H. When she ends all contact with OM, forever, and commits to doing the necessary work to save her MR......that's the path to follow. Commitment and effort are middle names in MR.
BTW, it's okay that you have said that you are paying the price for neglecting her emotional needs, but don't continue saying this type of stuff to her. The WW already blames her H for her actions.....and she doesn't want to accept responsibility for her own behavior. However, before you reconcile, she needs to accept responsibility for her waywardness and the affair with OM. You are not responsible for her affair/cheating. Okay? I'm not suggesting that you run off at your mouth again, trying to repeat what I've said. This is information I'm giving you for later, should she want to reconcile. There's a lot involved, but I won't go into details at the moment.
You have every right to be pi$$ed at her. I've been waiting to see when you would get fed up. You don't have play nicey-nice...….just so you know. You can be civil, and that's all she should expect from the man she's betraying.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think everyone hopes that deep down in their heart. As much as i keep detaching and moving on in life, there still seems to be a part of my that hopes one day she will snap out of it. I catch myself daydreaming or thinking about R and then snap out of it and realize its not happening.
Hopes for R dwindle bit by bit each day.
Very emotional MC today.
Told him about the convo W and I had in regards to D4 seeing OM. I was told that I did not handle the convo correctly and that I cannot control the happiness of D4 if OM is a good man (not abusive, into drugs, or sketchy). If D4 wants to see OM, that it up to her. Me setting the boundary of not allowing her to see W and OM is more about my jealousy.
I broke down completely and felt so helpless.
He continued to talk about my sitch and how it's getting more likely that W and I are on the road to D. And that I should not rush the process and embrace the fact that D is more likely now than ever. He did not say it's an inevitability, he just said it's increasingly likely. He also said that D4 is just seeing two happy people together and not the same as say...D16 seeing that. So...I have to accept that. And I think this board echoed that as well.
The sadder part now has to do with D4's view. I sincerely hoped that W and I's R would be a good one and when it crumbled, so did I. I know that D is a constant (50%). The more I embrace this tragedy the worse the entire outcome seems.
No matter how much GAL I do, no matter how much detaching I do, no matter how much I DB, the weight of this sitch does not get any lighter as time progresses. MWD explains that this journey is jagged with sharp peaks and lows.
I am so very fortunate with the love and support I have been getting from you all. And I'm encouraged at your acknowledgement at my progress since I have started. I feel it as well. I hope that three months from now I am in a better position than I am in now.
This is probably the most traumatic event I experienced so far. I keep hoping I get to the end of the tunnel soon, but I also know that there is a reason I am going through this for so long.
I just hope that I can outlast the pain.
Sandi: I just saw your post above as well as the post following my song lyrics.I am standing up to her and she actually said that I can be a nice guy and still recover from my NGS (I told her I had that...my mistake?). Let me ask you this, do WW feel their R with OM is genuine? Or do they know in the pit of their thinking that it's wrong?
I assume that it is, but I just want some confirmation.
I have seen one where the man finally had enough of the WW's bs, and he actually became a WAH ......and it yanked his WW's senses back into her head. But it was b/c he found his b@lls, not b/c of in-house separation leading to reconciliation.
Hoosjim!
There’s a similar story in DR, where the guy says, “Fine, if you want out, get out!” And the W says, oooh, he’s back to being his strong self again. Brett and Stella, pp. 121-124.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
