A new mindset for Burned. This is thread 7.

[burned]

In the end I have to call this a journaling post because it’s not really useful aside from that.

Last night I went to sleep thinking hopeful thoughts. I thought, maybe the silence means she’s rethinking things. Probably not. I can hope, but I’m trying to ignore the expectations.

This morning she texts to ask about some minor irrelevant form she got in the mail. Then she asks “How are you doing?” First temp check in a month. So I took the bait. In the end all she wanted was to talk about dividing finances. It’s all she ever worries about. In fact it’s probably the reason she didn’t leave a year ago when the A began. To think that she kept me around, strung me along, just for that... Anyway, the rest of the texts were all business, no emotion. She’s dead-set on doing this. Actually I took a break from writing this and thought to myself, it almost seems like we’re both DBing each other, like, playing a game of chicken to see who will back down first. Like neither of us wants this but neither of us wants to be the one to “admit defeat”? Weird dynamic. I will admit that I’m handling it better than I would have a couple months ago. For example, just now I thought about asking her why, if she took down all of the little tchotchkes that remind her of me, and put them all in a box...why did she keep that one specific thing, a very meaningful wedding gift from my sister, and leave it in a very obvious visible place next to her favorite things? She’s trying to get rid of me but she intentionally put that there where she can see it. Or was it to manipulate me? No idea. But I just now almost texted her to ask about it, since I really don’t have much to lose. But then that would be pursuit, and it would be a setback, and she would immediately freak out...and IF anything I do is going to make a difference in her heart, it’s that I’m not pursuing.

Every time I think I’m almost detached, then something happens that makes me realize I was only at 20% or something. I need to be more patient, and I know there are people who have gotten through this even when they thought all was lost. Well, if it’s about my own survival, all is NOT lost. But I feel fairly certain that W will not be a part of my life for very much longer. And that’s sad. I’m trying to reframe this as HER loss, but it won’t feel that way until I get my confidence back.

GAL last night was board games, we played a game called Citadels. Then some dice games and card games. For some reason it didn’t cheer me up the way I was hoping it would.

Today I left the apartment to go to the local farmers market. More reminders of her and what we used to do together. So now I’m going for a drive to a nearby town just to have a change of scenery. At least I’m not in bed. Might go see my parents but that’s a 2-hour drive.

When I woke up this morning I had a strange feeling. “What if I’m stuck like this?” Pretty scary. At least then I realized that I can’t be stuck like this and it’s on me to do something about it. So I started reading The Happiness Advantage. There are some interesting ideas in there. I’m going to have to just try again and start putting in the effort to change my mindset. There are going to be a lot more moments and interactions with W like the one this morning, and I need to be emotionally prepared so that I don’t go off the rails every time. I mean, the way I am now, if that had happened on a weekday it would have destroyed my productivity for the rest of the day. At least it’s a weekend and I have time to go home and “lick my wounds” so to speak.

I’m still very appreciative of the kind words and encouragement from people here. I think that’s part of what keeps me going. Today I’m going to re-read my posts and remind myself of all the positive things people have said. Especially because I can already think of at least 3 things I just wrote that we’ve already covered in the past. But I’m transitioning into a newer, uglier phase. Just more and more irreparable damage. I want to be optimistic, but with the changing of the clocks, colder weather, no signs of improvement in the sitch (primarily due to my own inaction) I’m anticipating a pretty dark season approaching. Doesn’t help that it has been raining all week.

Anyway, not trying to be a downer but I realize that I am. Just writing this to document this part of my “journey.” You’re all telling me that someday I’ll be able to look back in time and realize how much better my life has become. I don’t know what that will look like, but the sooner the better. I like the idea that someday I’ll have the opportunity to try again, to live a happy life with the companionship of another person. But I have no idea how long it will be if/when that happens. So in the meantime I’ll try to hold on to a tiny little piece of hope that W might want to reconcile. And I’ll start working harder at acting like she’s really, truly gone.

“Crawling through broken glass in a raging inferno,” I like that. That’s a good description.

[ovrrnbw]

Don't read into what the silence means too much. It's unproductive at best and will set you up for a letdown at worst.

Just look at your next line about getting temp checked and ask yourself if you're ok with being part of her little game or if you'd rather be your own person. Detachment doesn't happen all at once, nor does it always happen in a linear fashion. A setback is only as big of a deal as you make. Live and learn.

You say you're "anticipating a dark season". Well life, seasons, and everything else end up being what you make of them". So "act as if" things will be great, then go and make your life great. Quit sulking.

PMA. Positive. Mental. Attitude.

[MoveFrwd]

Last night I went to sleep thinking hopeful thoughts. I thought, maybe the silence means she’s rethinking things. Probably not. I can hope, but I’m trying to ignore the expectations.

I know it's hard. What can you do to try to go to sleep thinking about you and your life? Or maybe give yourself a small time each day to really think about W and what it all means. But try to compartmentalize it so that it doesnt overwhelm you and your thoughts. I mean, theres no way to know how shes feeling right now. She could be silent because shes angry, sad, tired, busy.....who knows. It could be good...could be bad....could just BE. Are you familiar with Schrodinger's cat experiment? If you dont, it's that theres a cat in a box ihats either alive or dead. You dont know what it is until you look in the box...but looking in the box can change the state of the cat. So is the cat alive or dead now?? Theres just no way to know. Just know that the cat exists....and someday, maybe youll know...and someday, maybe you wont. Thats kinda how your R is with W right now. It exists in some capacity....but temp checking will change the state. So somehow, you have to accept that it just...IS.

This morning she texts to ask about some minor irrelevant form she got in the mail. Then she asks “How are you doing?” First temp check in a month. So I took the bait. In the end all she wanted was to talk about dividing finances. It’s all she ever worries about. In fact it’s probably the reason she didn’t leave a year ago when the A began. To think that she kept me around, strung me along, just for that... Anyway, the rest of the texts were all business, no emotion.

I dont see why this is a good or a bad thing. Was it small talk among acquaintances? Then it is what it is. Did you immediately jump back in to pressure mode?

playing a game of chicken to see who will back down first.

I dont get it....what is "back down"?
What do you think you should be doing differently?

I have to go, but I will add more later.

[SteveLW]

burned, I know it has been a while since I commented in your thread. That is because you have been in excellent hands here! Keep on DBing!!

[MoveFrwd]

I will admit that I’m handling it better than I would have a couple months ago. For example, just now I thought about asking her why, if she took down all of the little tchotchkes that remind her of me, and put them all in a box...why did she keep that one specific thing, a very meaningful wedding gift from my sister, and leave it in a very obvious visible place next to her favorite things? She’s trying to get rid of me but she intentionally put that there where she can see it. Or was it to manipulate me? No idea.

Accept that as growth and a positive and be proud that you didnt. Who knows why she kept it. Maybe it's pretty. Maybe she likes the reminder of you and her past life. Maybe she just wanted to mess with your head. Again, theres no way to know. And even if she tells you, is it true? Is she lying to you? to herself? The answer just doesnt matter.

But I just now almost texted her to ask about it, since I really don’t have much to lose. But then that would be pursuit, and it would be a setback, and she would immediately freak out...and IF anything I do is going to make a difference in her heart, it’s that I’m not pursuing.

It's this line of stinkin thinkin that I found really set me back. What do you mean "nothing to lose"? This isnt a football game where the clock ends at 0:00 and you have to try something when youre losing and time is running out. This is your LIFE and you have your whole life left to live. Nobody throws a hail mary in the middle of the second quarter and then walks off the field. Your back is only against the wall because youre putting it thee by emphasizing her and this divorce so strongly to yourself.

Every time I think I’m almost detached, then something happens that makes me realize I was only at 20% or something. I need to be more patient, and I know there are people who have gotten through this even when they thought all was lost. Well, if it’s about my own survival, all is NOT lost. But I feel fairly certain that W will not be a part of my life for very much longer. And that’s sad. I’m trying to reframe this as HER loss, but it won’t feel that way until I get my confidence back.

Detachment is a hard, cyclical, up-and-down process. It takes time, patience, perseverance and discipline. Youll get there if you keep at it. The last line of this is perfectly said.

GAL last night was board games, we played a game called Citadels. Then some dice games and card games. For some reason it didn’t cheer me up the way I was hoping it would.

Eh, youre allowed to have "down" nights. I wouldnt worry about it. GAL is way harder than it sounds. When youre feeling at your lowest, youre supposed to go out and have a good time with people you dont know? sounds ludicrous. My second game night I went to a few days before our official S started, I left halfway through because I wanted to come home and see my XW. As if, me leaving early helped to show her how important she was to me. You can imagine how much impact that had...Anyway, keep at it. It's helping you more than you realize.

Today I left the apartment to go to the local farmers market. More reminders of her and what we used to do together. So now I’m going for a drive to a nearby town just to have a change of scenery. At least I’m not in bed. Might go see my parents but that’s a 2-hour drive.

I know Ive told this story before, but I went to see the Avengers 2 movie about a month after our S and sobbed through the whole movie. AVENGERS. It's like the least sappy movie, and images of families and happy couples and whatever in a freaking SUPERHERO movie made me uncontrollaby sad. So I get it that there are all kinds of painful reminders out there. It's not easy, but with time, the pain will subside.

When I woke up this morning I had a strange feeling. “What if I’m stuck like this?” Pretty scary. At least then I realized that I can’t be stuck like this and it’s on me to do something about it. So I started reading The Happiness Advantage. There are some interesting ideas in there. I’m going to have to just try again and start putting in the effort to change my mindset.

Perfectly said.
Can you add this to your goals? How are they coming?

no signs of improvement in the sitch (primarily due to my own inaction) I’m anticipating a pretty dark season approaching.

Over said this perfectly. You reap what you sow. Keep your PMA and you will make your own season.

“Crawling through broken glass in a raging inferno,” I like that. That’s a good description.

You ever see Shawshank Redemption? The main character has to crawl through a literal tunnel of sewage to get freedom. That's basically how this process goes. Theres only one way through the pain and thats through the pain. You have to experience it to get to the other side. Sure, you can turn around and go back into the prison, but if you want your freedom, your independence, your happiness, thats the direction you have to go. Theres no shortcuts, no easy buttons. You can do it!

[sandi2]

This morning she texts to ask about some minor irrelevant form she got in the mail. Then she asks “How are you doing?” First temp check in a month. So I took the bait.

How did you take the bait? By responding, or by believing she actually "cared" how you've been doing?

Next question is…….if you recognize a baited hook, are you going to bite the second time around?

I will admit that I’m handling it better than I would have a couple months ago. For example, just now I thought about asking her why, if she took down all of the little tchotchkes that remind her of me, and put them all in a box...why did she keep that one specific thing, a very meaningful wedding gift from my sister, and leave it in a very obvious visible place next to her favorite things? She’s trying to get rid of me but she intentionally put that there where she can see it. Or was it to manipulate me? No idea. But I just now almost texted her to ask about it, since I really don’t have much to lose. But then that would be pursuit, and it would be a setback,

Yes, it would have been a setback......b/c you were making it too important. Why do you care why she put it there? Don't succumb to these type of temptations. Walk away with your pride and b@lls in tact.

But I feel fairly certain that W will not be a part of my life for very much longer. And that’s sad. I’m trying to reframe this as HER loss, but it won’t feel that way until I get my confidence back.

It's sad that the girl you M is gone. Do you really want this person to remain a part of your life? IDK, I'm just asking. If you can't have the girl you married, then you don't have to "settle" for someone who doesn't love you. You deserve better.

When I woke up this morning I had a strange feeling. “What if I’m stuck like this?” Pretty scary. At least then I realized that I can’t be stuck like this and it’s on me to do something about it.

There you go!

One of the first things I was told as a newcomer, was I am responsible for my own happiness. Not my H, or anyone else. I remember a previous time when a teacher over a group at church was using a book, happiness is a choice. I also remember not being receptive to it. You see, I already had that wayward mindset and I thought my H's job was to make me happy. I told myself this book was just type of positive thinking stuff. It's so embarrassing to admit it, but I'm being honest. There are so many things in life that we have absolutely no control over, but we can decide how we will think and conduct ourselves while we go through the experience. There are various names for it. Some call it a positive mental attitude, others may call it something else, but it all boils down to what I was told as a newcomer trying to find my way. It really is up to us.

[Hero18]

Burned, have not seen you in a few days, how are you doing?

I hope you realize that you have lots of support here in this forum if you need it.
If you have not already done so, give the phone coaching a try as well.

[burned]

I'm still here. Reading everything, trying to hold it together at work and in life in general. Mostly not succeeding.

Still have that "stuck" feeling and I'm going to have to bring this up with IC and probably talk to my doctor about increasing dose of AD meds.

D now appears to be just a matter of time, and W seems to be getting meaner and colder by the week. Another passive-aggressive text tonight. I don't know what's going on with her. I'm fairly certain I won't be getting a second chance. I spent most of the afternoon going over the last 7 months and trying to think of what I could have done differently. Pointless.

There are times I wish I could just get plastered and go home with someone, anyone. Has been half a year since I felt loved in a way that meant something. I know I'm supposed to love myself, but that doesn't seem to be happening. Hugs from friends and family doesn't quite cut it.

I could use any encouragement people might be able to spare.

[Twofeet]

Burned didn't you say you were Swiss? Do you have any family you could go visit over there for a week or two. Just to get your mind off things. I like to take vacation in the winter because it's the down time in my industry and it helps with warding off the winter blues.

[burned]

You know, that’s a really, really good idea. Not sure why I didn’t think of that, except that it seems “wrong” to go without W, since the last time I went was 10 years ago when I introduced her to everyone.

Hmm... “happily married” and yet that’s the longest I’ve ever gone without visiting my ancestral home. We used to go every summer.

So, forget her. Time to make a plan...

Thanks for the idea!