Last night, talked with W for a few minutes about MC session.
Why? Did you discuss what the MC said about D4 seeing OM, and that you were powerless to stop it, etc.? Pain, you can't share this stuff with her. YOU are the one in the counseling sessions....not her. She may ask and act interested, but it's b/c she's nosy. She is thinking about what benefits her the best. I've tried to tell you that it is shooting yourself in the foot whenever you "share" this type of information with her. It's private and as long as the M is in this crisis, due to her being in an affair or other wayward actions...….you cannot afford to share things of this nature with her, b/c she is not the woman she once was.
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Wants to open up to me because she has to unload stuff that has been in her heart since this thing got started. She says there is anger and sorrow involved. She ended the conversation by saying that we need to be "us" and help get each other through to the other side.
Brace yourself, b/c I think she's going to tell you all about her negative feelings, and then she's going to ask for a divorce. I think she will try to convince you that it's the only answer to a bad situation, she'll say how she'll always care for you (but just doesn't love you in the way a wife should) b/c you are the father of her child, and that she wants to remain great friends, yada, yada, yada. She may even throw in a few crumbs about how you both can spend time with D4, will always be "family", yada, yada, yada...….and sound as if traditions, holidays and special events will continue right along as always.
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Feeling numb. And taking the song lyrics of In The Waiting Line to heart. So many people telling me so much. All good advice and I listen to it all. It's processing the information and ultimately making my own decisions that will allow me to move forward.
Your mind needs to rest. Take the weekend off and don't read any books, posts, or anything regarding relationships. Go somewhere to get away and just relax without cramming more information into your brain. Come Monday, maybe you'll feel rested.
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Considering being a WAH, which may involve a OW. I don't know. It screams "bad idea!", but it also could be the 180 needed to turn my life around. I don't know.
Becoming a WAH is one thing, but why on earth would you involved an innocent person in this mess? It sounds as if you plan to "use" another woman...….either to make your W jealous, or for a revenge affair, or just for your sexual pleasure. Perhaps I misunderstand you.
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Let me ask you this, do WW feel their R with OM is genuine? Or do they know in the pit of their thinking that it's wrong?
What does the "R" mean in your question, relationship or reconciliation?
Ugh! Sorry, I obviously saw OM and read it as "H". Okay, the answer is not one that I know how to give in just a few words. It's more complex than a yes or no. First of all, this sounds like a logical question, but WW's are not logical creatures. I would like to think that I knew down in the deepest part of my being it wasn't genuine, but I wanted the fantasy so badly that I didn't question how genuine it was. When you are deceiving yourself, you tell yourself how things will be better and different......and to h3ll with what everyone else wants. The WW thinks this is her only chance to be happy again. Her brain and emotions are responding to those feel good chemicals that come from the affair with OM. Have you read how affairs are addictive? If her affair ended today, it doesn't mean she'd fall into your arms and be ready to reconcile. In fact, many WW's just move on to find OM#2.....b/c they are addicted. So, whether or not she feels the relationship with OM is genuine...….really has little effect on your M, IMHO. It doesn't matter if it's genuine...….it is WRONG, for sure. I explain more about the feelings and how WW's operate in some of my threads. I'm trying not to get off into more than necessary at the moment.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Considering being a WAH, which may involve a OW. I don't know. It screams "bad idea!", but it also could be the 180 needed to turn my life around. I don't know.
Yes, you do know. You just don't like it. Stick to your values, whatever they may be.
The WW probably does FEEL their R with the OM is legitimate, but they know that it really isn't.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Why? Did you discuss what the MC said about D4 seeing OM, and that you were powerless to stop it, etc.? Pain, you can't share this stuff with her. YOU are the one in the counseling sessions....not her. She may ask and act interested, but it's b/c she's nosy. She is thinking about what benefits her the best. I've tried to tell you that it is shooting yourself in the foot whenever you "share" this type of information with her. It's private and as long as the M is in this crisis, due to her being in an affair or other wayward actions...….you cannot afford to share things of this nature with her, b/c she is not the woman she once was.
I did not say I was powerless. I said that I cannot control D4's happiness with OM. And she never asked. I just had to tell her that the MC told me that I was wrong in controlling D4's happiness.
Other than that, I stopped sharing, with the exception of what was equivalent of firing a cannon onto my lower half last weekend.
I understand the rest. I rarely share my MC sessions with her. Last night was the second time in 6 months I shared.
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Brace yourself, b/c I think she's going to tell you all about her negative feelings, and then she's going to ask for a divorce. I think she will try to convince you that it's the only answer to a bad situation, she'll say how she'll always care for you (but just doesn't love you in the way a wife should) b/c you are the father of her child, and that she wants to remain great friends, yada, yada, yada. She may even throw in a few crumbs about how you both can spend time with D4, will always be "family", yada, yada, yada...….and sound as if traditions, holidays and special events will continue right along as always.
I never even considered that. But at this point, I have lost hope for anything else. When we first talked about D in our emotional states last weekend, we agreed to the consensus of having it move as quickly as possible. Then the next day...it's like the conversation never existed.
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Your mind needs to rest. Take the weekend off and don't read any books, posts, or anything regarding relationships. Go somewhere to get away and just relax without cramming more information into your brain. Come Monday, maybe you'll feel rested.
I will do my best.
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Becoming a WAH is one thing, but why on earth would you involved an innocent person in this mess? It sounds as if you plan to "use" another woman...….either to make your W jealous, or for a revenge affair, or just for your sexual pleasure. Perhaps I misunderstand you.
The consensus is no matter how I try to justify my desire for a purely physical R, it's a bad idea. Even if I am upfront about it to her it sounds terrible, yes? I'm not doing it for W jealousy. I'm not doing it as a revenge affair. Just for sexual pleasure. No misunderstanding there.
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Ugh! Sorry, I obviously saw OM and read it as "H". Okay, the answer is not one that I know how to give in just a few words. It's more complex than a yes or no. First of all, this sounds like a logical question, but WW's are not logical creatures. I would like to think that I knew down in the deepest part of my being it wasn't genuine, but I wanted the fantasy so badly that I didn't question how genuine it was. When you are deceiving yourself, you tell yourself how things will be better and different......and to h3ll with what everyone else wants. The WW thinks this is her only chance to be happy again. Her brain and emotions are responding to those feel good chemicals that come from the affair with OM. Have you read how affairs are addictive? If her affair ended today, it doesn't mean she'd fall into your arms and be ready to reconcile. In fact, many WW's just move on to find OM#2.....b/c they are addicted. So, whether or not she feels the relationship with OM is genuine...….really has little effect on your M, IMHO. It doesn't matter if it's genuine...….it is WRONG, for sure. I explain more about the feelings and how WW's operate in some of my threads. I'm trying not to get off into more than necessary at the moment.
I'll have do a search on your threads for more insight.
R2C, I was thinking of doing stuff with the folks here at my job. The guys asked me to hang out but I could not because I usually have D4 with me. Everytime I have a free evening, I go see music, or a theatre performance, or something light and arty. And I always do it alone.
I hear all of you on my thoughts of pursuing a physical A with an OW very dangerous.
My patience is tested everyday and I keep getting thrust back into the dark parts with the constant reminder that it's nowhere close to being halfway over.
Sandi can you take a look at my thread? We are having a great discussion on women and whether they lose their respecr for their H if he does too much housework/becomes too domesticated. Its on pg 1. We are all lookong forward to wives responses, and especially your insight!!
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Sorry, I forgot. I life tonight after work. Looking at a late night for an important project I need to complete. May be too tired by the time I drive home.
Seeing what options I have with D4 this weekend. I have been missing more and more and treasuring more moments with her.
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