Okay be I like that you plan to be careful. Attaching significance to it would be imprudent. If you read my sitch you'll see that my WW got very horny. But even after we would have sex after BD, some of the best we had in 19 years of a SSM by the way, she would still insist we were done and she wanted out. Admittedly, we did have a period of lots of sex just as we started to move into piecing, but that was different.
Likely she was horny and you were her best option. Can't remember if there was an A in your sitch or not but just proceed with caution and keep GAL and detaching as you say.
Oh and enjoy it! Lol lots of other posters would love for this to happen.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She said that she misses it but that she's afraid to go back to the same problems. I responded "I agree and I don't either, I couldn't imagine that life again" (which is true). I also said that I am still going to therapy and that I am happy being alone and learning to be alone.
That is perfect!!!
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...and I said "I hope you think about what we talked about, I feel as though we can work it out, we just need to take it slow".
You've got to be kidding me! What happened to "I am happy being alone and learning to be alone"? Suddenly you're having sex and pressuring her with R talk again. STOP THE PRESSURE!!!!!
I agree with AS, although I understand why you did it. She just shows up to take you out, tells you she loves you, and then you guys get down and dirty. Most people would be like woohoo we're back baby, yea!!!!
She may be getting closer, so keep doing what works.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I agree with AS, although I understand why you did it. She just shows up to take you out, tells you she loves you, and then you guys get down and dirty. Most people would be like woohoo we're back baby, yea!!!!
OK now that made me laugh out loud Having sex is OK, Michele even says that in DR. As long as it's not hurting you and you don't have any expectations. Of course that latter is the hard part!
Hello everyone, I know I haven't updated in a little over a month so I'd like to share what has happened and also ask for some advice. After the "date" I last shared, things dropped off very quickly. I felt her retreating so I did the same and there wasn't much contact at all. After the date, I really did get my hopes up and then I felt like I lost her AGAIN, which was very hard on me. We did get into a big fight about 3 weeks ago, and she told me that she never wants to hear from me or see me ever again. That day I realized that no contact was my only hope to detach myself from this roller coaster to avoid more pain, and I began to truly accept that it was over. So I did successfully complete no contact for a few weeks, and I feel much calmer and detached from the situation. She called me from her sister's phone the other day to ask me some random car questions (because she knows I wouldn't answer her number). I used validating statements and acted like I was talking to a customer or somebody I don't really know (but I was upbeat, no personal talk).
She asked if I could meet up the next day because "she hadn't seen me for a while". I told her that I couldn't that day but the day after I could for a few minutes to grab coffee. When I arrived at starbucks, she said instead of coffee I'll take you to TGI fridays for your birthday (which was 2 days earlier). I told her thank you but I didn't have time. So we had our coffee and that was it, no personal R talk or anything like that. She asked me how I was, said I looked good and happy, and I said yes I'm doing well, and you? She said that she feels depressed, sad, doesn't eat much, and very stressed out. I noticed she had lost weight and looked bad in general (she's very thin as it is so her appearance worried me). I told her to take care, try to eat more. Then some small talk. She texted me a few times for random things and I'd respond the next day or not at all, etc. We were supposed to meet up last night for me to give her some mail (I offered to give it to her sister but she "wants to see me", I told her I couldn't meet last night but possibly tonight I can).
Last night, her father calls me. I haven't talked to him since before BD (he lives out of state and honestly we were never very close). He said he heard last month that we aren't together and that my ex just got off the phone with him after talking for a few hours. He told me that my ex said that she "wants to R but that she feels as though it's too late since she can tell that I've moved on." He said that "she is willing to sit down with me and talk about what each of us needs to happen for this to work". But then she started crying and said "that it's too late, and she's afraid to approach me since she knows that I've moved on".
As long as I've known him, he's an honest, serious man who never before has tried to give me relationship advice or even talk about our relationship. He said that he wouldn't have called me but in his heart he feels as though I need to know what his daughter is feeling and if I want to work this out, if I let my guard down a little, she will do the rest. He told me not to tell her that he called. I told him exactly this "I know that you're not lying to me, but I don't get that vibe from her at all. We got into a big fight and she told me that she doesn't want to see or hear from me again and I've been respecting that. She tries to get in touch with me but never talks about us. If she wants to work it out so bad, why doesn't she give me a clue?" and he said "You know my daughter is way too proud and her pride gets in the way. She's afraid to reach out and get shot down. You need to trust what I am saying, she literally told me all of this about 10 minutes ago. If you don't want to work it out, I respect that and I will never bother you with this talk again. But if you do want to work it out, then take my advice and let your guard down". I told him that I'd be open to talking with her about it but that right now I can't really say if I want to get back with her.
So, I need some advice guys: First, let me say that I really do want to work things out with her, I just don't want to get hurt again, so I know I need to stay detached (which, this time, I feel that I am ready for. I feel much stronger now then a month ago). Tonight we are supposed to meet up at starbucks. Do I keep things "detached" like I planned to before the phone call with her dad? Or do I let my guard down just a little to see how she responds? Thanks for listening guys, even though I haven't updated in a month I've been reading the threads and everyone's advice is so much help.
Before you meet her again, please read the distance-pursuit thread again. Your WAS shows classic distance-pursuit theory behavior.
Let me ask you a couple of questions.
1) When you first got together how did that go? Were you the pursuer? Was she? How does her behavior now compare to her behavior then? Did you know without a doubt that she was interested when you first met?
2) I understand not wanting to get hurt again. If you look back up at AS's last post you'll see he tried to caution you on the pursuit and pressure. So what is more important to you? To protect yourself from more pain, or Ring with your W? I think this is the dilemma you are in, and the answer to that question will inform a lot of your next steps.
Couple of other things. Her dad likely will eventually tell her about your conversation. I know he asked you not to say anything, but the next time they have a heart-to-heart he will probably talk to her about what you said, especially the part about her telling you not to contact her anymore and you respecting that.
Second, you need to really proceed with caution here, and that is the point of you reading the pursuit-distance thread again. Too much pressure and pursuit could send her running the other direction again, just like a month ago. I'll give you more advice after you answer the questions I've posed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for the reply Steve. I will read the pursuit thread on my lunch break. To answer your questions: 1. When we first got together, she was the pursuer. She’d text and contact me all the time for random things to get my attention and that’s how we started talking honestly. She’d send me good morning and good night texts almost every day. I didn’t pursue her at all. I’d say her behavior is similar now, but much less frequent, and minus the daily good morning and goodnight texts.
2.Excellent question. I am willing to risk the pain again if it means a chance to work it out. I know without a doubt that at I can not pursue at all. I need to sit back and let her come to me. I really feel as though I can do it without pursuing at all. I know that I blew it a month ago. I just wasn’t ready.
If it wasn’t for the phone call with her dad, I wouldn’t have even thought about R. In my mind it was over. I just hope that this isn’t false hope or a lie or something. I was thinking about canceling tonight and rescheduling for tomorrow just to see how she takes it. I’m not playing games or manipulating, I’d call it studying her and seeing if it’s worth the risk to try again...I just want to know if she’s real or not!
My suggestion is you let her continue to pursue (sounds like you are). I understand your concern about her being real. I don't think you have to reschedule to test that. I think, as when you both first got together, she will let you know in no uncertain terms if she is real or not. I would just work on you. Continue to GAL. Continue to be detached (NO EXPECTATIONS!), continue to 180. And be the spouse only a fool would leave.
On the issue of pain. The reason I asked is that nothing worthwhile is without pain. If your goal is pain avoidance, then pull the plug and move on. If your goal is R with your W, then be open to the pain that might come along with that.
As someone that has been in R for nearly 8 months, trust me, it isn't easy. If you are looking for easy you will be disappointed.
But keep up the good work, let her come to you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just reread the pursuit thread and wow thank you so much for recommending that, I really needed to read it again.
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Take a minute and think about this another way. When you detach and distance yourself from your spouse, notice how they start coming around, being nice, etc.? Well, he/she feels that you are not pursuing them. They want the chase, they want you to pursue them so that they can come back and slam dunk you all over again. It's a dance of madness. They may not even be aware of what they are doing, but once you snap up the niceness all over again, they will most definitely come back w/anger to distance themselves from you again for their safety and security. Does this sound familiar to you?
This paragraph is so true, it describes what happened to me a month ago. I definitely feel more prepared now after reading that.
You're definitely seeing the benefits of "no contact" and going dark as you've taken pressure off your W and allowed her to process her feelings and be willing to come around again -- that's great! That's a successful step in DB.
Originally Posted by imlost8
After the "date" I last shared, things dropped off very quickly. I felt her retreating so I did the same and there wasn't much contact at all.
This is *very* common, a WAS will have a wistful moment, or a sad day, and run back to the LBS for comfort. Then, the feelings they were originally trying to get away from will eventually come back up and they run again. These are called "touch and go" events and there will often be several of them. Your job during these events is to be consistent with your emotions, neither excited that they are happening, nor sad that they have passed. My exW did this several times, we'd go to dinner with friends and she'd hold my hand in the car and be very touchy, and for the next week wouldn't make any eye contact, its a normal pattern.
Originally Posted by imlost8
We did get into a big fight about 3 weeks ago, and she told me that she never wants to hear from me or see me ever again.
What was that about? What happened? Tell us more about that incident. Your W referenced on your date that the fighting was the thing she was afraid of returning to, so that's the number one thing you have to 180 is not getting pulled into fights. Tell us more about your historic fighting dynamic. How do they start, how do they escalate, how long do they last and how do they end? (That's four questions for you to answer)
Individual fights in the past aren't that important, but the pattern is crucial. Is there a consistent theme that would trigger these fights? Figuring out how to break this cycle is the key to getting to have a new and different relationship with her.
Originally Posted by imlost8
wants to R but that she feels as though it's too late since she can tell that I've moved on.
Be careful, when you're hungry you want to eat, and when you're really hungry you really want to eat, but after that feeling passes you don't think about food at all. What's going on in her life right now that's making her feel this way? Is she running away from something else, or is she earnestly running to you?
It sounds like she's feeling bad about herself and sees getting back into the relationship as a possible cure for that. If she feels bad about herself, your relationship isn't going to fix that, and when she's back with you and still feeling bad, she's going to leave again.
Really I think that both of you have individual work to do before you should give it another go -- are you in weekly individual therapy? Is she? If I were you, I would suggest that be the next move for both of you. I would tell her you haven't moved on, but you're not interested in moving back either. If you're going to go forward together, things are going to need to be different, and you both need help to get into a position to make things better. I'd suggest you both pursue IC with separate therapists and agree to some schedule to see each other to check in.
At this crucial point I also really suggest doing a telephone session with a DB coach on this site. Its the best money you'll ever spend. They can have a much more detailed dialog with you and give you much better and specific advice.
Acc
Last edited by Accuray; 10/23/1804:44 PM.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Having sex is OK, Michele even says that in DR. As long as it's not hurting you and you don't have any expectations. Of course that latter is the hard part!