Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 2

[crofton]

I have a similar dilemma in my situation. Part of me wants to help with bills but she filed for D and I have to live separately so I am only willing to pay half towards mortgage and loans but nothing else. I feel bad about it but at the end of the day it was her choice and I have to look at post D.

I would stick with the short version of your conversation as don't think the long version is going to get you anywhere.

[Turbine]

Ughhhh.... more marital debt. lawyer said more than likely I am on the hook for some of it. (car repair). Well I guess that means she is on the hook for my Gall Bladder surgery. (mostly covered and done already)

Steve85, I have been reading your threads from post #1. I apologize to you. It seems much of the LBS stuff I am worried about or going though is territory you trail blazed already. Not only did you get good advice I can see enough similarities between us that your input would be solid. Voracious reader. A few other things as well.

Thanks to everyone reading and especially those commenting. Relationship skills aren't my strong suit. I prefer long term friends to many friends. I know many people but I like a smaller core group. Hmmm.... maybe that is a growth area... to be considered...

[Turbine]

Minister supposed to visit me tonight. W doesn't know. He isn't coming to see her so I don't see an issue with it.

Stopped to visit friend who was my parents neighbor. He wasn't answering his phone and considering his age I was worried. All good though. I will be helping him hang an exterior door that he painted. That man has GAL figured out.

[Turbine]

Visit with Minister and a Deacon was about 30 minutes. Was good visit from my perspective. W wasn't home. Didn't return last night and hadn't shared her plans.

It would be nice to at least know she was safe. Maybe.... I don't want to get a phone call or an officer at the door saying they have bad news.

Am I angry about it? Yes. Can I honestly expect to be able to do anything about it? No. I absolutely want to. I want US...

So today starts at the bottom and looks like a dive. Yeah I have family and friends who would all miss me. It just hurts seeing this crumble.

Hating life in general right now. Really feeling this isn't worth it. But then she (W) wins... like I said.... hate... frustration... with most directed at myself and some at her.

[Turbine]

Went to Church. Sermon seemed to be rather relevant. Minister I have been talking too gave the sermon. Been a long time since a face to face meeting with him. He was glad to see the progress I have made as far as returning to the Church.

Feeling better since going to church.

Some of that frustration is the W. Some is work and co workers. You borrow a tool or get out a piece of equipment put it away. Is that so hard? Apparently... arrrgh... not bad guys but come on...

Still reading Steve85. You got lots of advice given. Lots to absorb about your journey...

[Turbine]

So during a conversation with my son he asked about when I could have another driving lesson with/for his GF. Future DiL... up to them. They have been an item (that even still a phrase?) since 8th grade. I took him driving and another of his friends when it was time. So why not. FYI his friend's Dad had passed away which is why I did it. His Mom wasn't the one usually driving when the H was alive so...

Anyway it suggests to me the mind set I need to maintain right now. I'm not driving. I can only suggest (at best) right now. However better to just observe and remain calm.

Just a few thoughts to start the day with. Time to turn 2.

[Turbine]

Feel pretty good right now. Nothing to do with the W. Whole 'nother set of emotions there as everyone can understand and relate to.

So what has my spirits up you wonder. Well let me share, because that is what we are here for. The up, the down, the corkscrew in this roller coaster we are on.

I was assigned a piece of test equipment to make sure it operates to its specifications. Its what I do at my job. So this is a piece that I hadn't seen before, at least this model. I had seen and tested similar equipment but this one was kicking my butt so to speak. Well with a little assist from Tech support the problem was solved. Now the sales guys have a nice new (for us) piece to sell for a nice bit of $$$. That should make the boss/owner happy.

Tomorrow... I have a piece sitting on my bench that is failing. Repairing is not cheap and with what its telling me, probably not going to happen. So bye bye... see ya... on to the next piece. Also a bit of $$$ but hey that is how the game goes.

Helped former neighbor to my parents hang the newly painted patio door. Ya know, putting furniture glides on the bottom of the door was really nice. Allowed us to move the door and not ruin the paint job. There was enough clearance that removing the slides was easy too. That is experience... nice trick I will have to remember for the future. Of course now everyone here knows now too.

FYI, yes the W is on my mind a whole lot. So not detaching all that well. She normally locks her bedroom door. Even before the BD, she would lock our door when we were in the same room. Don't know... maybe cultural. I mean if the door is shut you knock... I mentioned this because I will check the door. Mostly locked. Sometimes not. I used to snoop. I suppose this still is in a way. I don't open the door though. Maybe I should, with 3 dozen roses, a box of chocolate, tickets to a concert for her favorite artist. A suit, new haircut, cologne... the whole nine yards. Get a response... you know, any response is a response. Charge with guns blazing!

Expanding the exercise routine. New sore muscles. YES!!! I am on my way to getting the body of a Norse god. No... not one of the out of shape ones either. More pain to come. If I fail to become someone only a fool would leave, (yes I know there is more than just the body to all of this) then maybe I will have to beat them off with a stick [hammer ( I did say Norse god)].

I obviously want to get to MR 2.0 as H 2.0 with this W. Yes she isn't the same person as when we met, married or who I believe her to be. Well isn't that true for all of us?

So while hanging out at the ER to meet a nurse from the islands might be in the future, that is smoke on the horizon for now. I want who I married. I would very much want to woo her again, show her how special I know her to be. I believe she is, that she is worth the struggle ahead and God brought us together for a reason. I didn't hold up my part as well as I should have. With His help I will get a second chance. I have to be ready though and this time really mean it.

PS. I tried changing to a new brand of deodorant. Apparently that particular one gave me a rash. So still with the old brand.

[Turbine]

Okay. I have been awake for over an hour. Its 0300. I'm not in a good mood. I am beginning to think I picked the wrong name for the boards. I should have gone with T.I.M. because. I'm feeling rather invisible. There is a story to this and I covered it once.

I am really frustrated, angry, and just in an emotional tempest right now.

I just unfriended someone on FB not because of them but other people he is friends with. They lead off their posts or replies with insults, name calling and vulgarity. I'm sorry, but if this is your opening move or default position you are too effing stupid to waste my time on. Like I said I am in a mood right now. Because part of what I wrote included my thoughts about becoming a statistic on the south or west sides of Chicago. Hey insurance doesn't pay out for suicide but if you are killed by a gang banger all is good. Nothing to explain to family, can skip the note because HEY wrong place at the wrong time.

Don't like that plan? Well how about pack the car with the stuff I deem important and ghost the whole thing. House, W, the D, all of it. Chuck the phone somewhere. the whole thing. You watch enough TV or read enough the process is there.

Of course there is the stop on the bridge over the river on the way to work. Its well above the water. Sit on the edge, use a knife and fall. No way the rescue efforts would be able to do more than recover my body. Piss a lot of commuters off to with all the emergency vehicles blocking the highway. Go out with some fan fare.

Yeah, I know. You have a loving family and grandkids that would miss you. Well right now there is a huge hole in me. A hole that one person can fill and she wants nothing to do with me. She means the world to me and all the advice I read here is it takes time. Yeah okay fine. She knows me and so yeah can see through any tricks. She knows how to push my buttons as well as my sister. I made a choice years ago, HER. Was I neglectful? From her POV yes. I want to make her happy and right now that would be to leave her. Leave her and lie to the world with a smile and say everything is okay when it is anything but.

People come here for help and seeking answers. Not all the answers are the ones we want to hear. MWD promotes "Save your Marriage" then the fine print is not all of them can be.

I watch the numbers on the posts and responses. So people are reading. Yeah everyone here is hurting or has been hurting. So we are supposed to support and help each other. I may be writing things down here and it may sound like I am doing all the right things. It sure doesn't feel like it. Don't pursue. Well if she felt that I was ignoring her then not pursuing seems like more of the same. So at this point it seems like I am facing a loose/loose scenario.

A rant plain and simple. I suppose everyone goes through it. I don't feel all better because the tempest is still there. subsiding... maybe, but not fast enough.

PS. Chatting with the guy. We agree to disagree, are civil etc. So we are going to do a temp block.

[AndrewP]

Hey Turbine - I'm up early and noticed your thread at the top of the pile.

I've not read back far but I recognize the song that's playing in the background.

What you and what I and what most of us have gone through / are going through is a huge pile of cr@p.

I too saw the dark places you are talking about and nearly went there. There were 3 very close calls.

No - I didn't "save my marriage" and from the perspective of a couple of years out, that was probably a good thing for me. We're about the same age but still have a lot of life in front of us.

What helped me was that I was able - with effort and help from friends - to see that there was a "farther shore" on the other side of the darkness. It would flicker in and out of sight but once I first saw it, I knew that it was there.

I struggled through the dark times you are in the middle of and have a pretty good life. No new person in it, haven't heard from my ex in a long time - don't want to.

You can get through this. Just like they tell you on an airplane though, take care of yourself first. I'm glad that you have people around you like your pastor and deacon who are doing their best to help you through this as well.

[neffer]

Try to get some rest T. Let those emotions flush away. Cycles are sometime up and sometime down. Just be strong man. You have the strength. Get some IC advice, contact your church, just try to ease your mind at this time.

You need to be strong Turbine. Keep posting. We are here.