How I want to respond, if she tries to use that against me: “I know I said that and I still believe that and will always believe it, but this is your decision not mine.”
Why do you have to respond? She has her opinion and you have your opinion.
Again, you are trying to use logic and reason and guilt to get her to stay with you. Won't work.
Anddddddd.....boom goes the dynamite.
Wanted, you are getting some stellar direction here from LH.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH is the harsh voice of reality. When he speaks it's like a 2x4 whether its intended or not. Listen to him it, he has already been down this road.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Wanted, I know this is tough, I'm going to sling a couple of 2x4's your way but they are offered in the spirit of helping you on this difficult journey:
Originally Posted by Wanted1
W has her IC session today. First one since the joint session we had last week. I'm hoping her IC can maybe shed some light on some of the issues she's dealing with after she heard directly from me in the joint session.
Drop ALL expectations. Don't expect or hope for anything to come out of IC because it won't. One thing you have to understand about IC is they are not trying to fix your M or "open her eyes" to what she is doing. They are mainly there for support and understanding. So she says she's done with the M, they tell her "yes it sounds like it's for the best if you leave then." In short they will tell her exactly what she wants to hear.
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At that point I figured all hope was lost and was beginning to accept the inevitable. Then I started seeing a glimmer of hope in the conversation we had but then yesterday when I found out she's accepting this new job it feels as though that's one more step in the direction that she's planning on moving on and I'm not in her plans for the future.
I find myself saying this in a lot of threads these days but there is a lot of impatience being expressed around here and you all need reminding that this is a MARATHON not a sprint! Not only is it a marathon, but it's a marathon in which for the first 3/4 of the race you see ZERO progress. You say she gives you no hope? I say OF COURSE, that is how EVERY SINGLE SITCH on here is for months and months. Some of them recon and some of them don't, but they all have that in common- early on the WAS offers no hope whatsoever. They speak in absolutes- "things will NEVER get better", "I have ALWAYS been unhappy", "there is NO chance of recon". You simply cannot look at those statements and believe them because that is only indicating how she feels in that moment of time. Later I guarantee she WILL feel differently. I can't guarantee there will be recon, but even if there isn't she will see you in a different light and remember good things about you and the M.
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Just now, I asked her if she wanted to go to daily mass this morning and she said yes and then followed it up with "You are going too right?" I told her that I was planning on it.
Don't ask her to go to things with you, it's pressure. Simply say "I'm going to mass, you're welcome to join if you wish" and then go whether she does or not. The idea is that you are living your life regardless, and she's welcome to join, or not join.
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The next step will be to see if she still feels like she needs to move out.
Nope. That's pressure. Even if you say nothing to her just holding that thought in your head is pressure that she is going to feel and sense. The next step is TO LEAVE HER ALONE. Get out. GAL. Give her time and space. REMOVE ALL PRESSURE.
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I have suspicion she was looking at a place to rent yesterday but can't verify for sure. If she ends up telling me she is going to, I'm not sure how to handle it.
You tell her "I would rather you stay here and work on the M, but I understand that is not what you want and I will support you regardless and respect your wishes." Then leave her alone. It's her decision to make, and it's up to her to do the work if she chooses that.
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I think she's going to try to float the idea of her still coming to our house to eat, put kids to bed and then go back to her place to sleep. This arrangement doesn't seem any different than what we are doing right now. She's upstairs for all of that and then once the kids are in bed she goes downstairs. I'm not sure if I should ask her how moving out is going to change anything if her intention is still to be around the house while the kids are up.
Part of me wants to tell her I'm not comfortable with that arrangement.
Well, you don't even know if she's going to suggest that. So cross that bridge when you get to it. I'd say it's more likely that she'll want to split custody. Whatever she may throw at you, don't give her an answer right away. Tell her you'll think about it and get back with her in X days. Then think about it, discuss it here, get legal advice and THEN give her a response.
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I think she needs to full digest what it will be like living separately. It's her decision and she needs to deal with the consequences.
I think all of us have an expectation that S will "wake them up" and teach them some hard lessons on how hard life is going to be without us. Unfortunately it rarely works out that way. They are actually happy, even elated to be out on their own. Sure it's a lot of work but most of them embrace it. They've been partnered with someone for so long that they've never really had a chance to "prove themselves" and they actually enjoy the opportunity. It's very, very rare that a WAS comes running back shortly after S. They need to get over the initial excitement of trying something new, which can take many months. Then they start getting bored and lonely and talk to guys, or maybe go out, and find out the grass ain't greener after all, and in fact is usually pretty brown, dead and rotten. And they look back and what do they see, THAT is where you come in and what your part is in all of this. Do they see a sad, dejected, demoralized heap on the floor or do they see a strong, confident, good-looking, well dressed, fit man that is living a full life without them? So there are your goals. You can't throw a rope around her and drag her back. But you CAN become the spouse only a fool would leave. And if she leaves anyway, then you will shake your head at what a fool she is.
Over the last couple days, I've seriously contemplated reaching out to my MIL. My W hasn't told her parents anything about what's going on. Back when the first A took place 5 years ago, I made my W text her mom and tell her what she'd done to me. Probably not the right thing to do, but the point is, my MIL knows her D betrayed me back then.
Thanks, AS. Just to be clear about one thing, my intention was never to ask her about moving out. I just meant the next step was to see if she was going to be. I wasn't ever going to straight up ask her.
Slight update and question for the masses:
No real contact with W, except for business and kids since Monday evening. W hasn't brought up her accepting the job to me or anything more about potentially moving out. (I did find out she wasn't looking for housing the other day because she told me in a random convo she went to a friends house to talk instead of going to get coffee with her which explains what I assumed was her looking for at rentals.) I'm not bringing any of this up to her either. I'm waiting for her to come to me to have those conversations.
So, this weekend is about GAL for me. I have a meeting on Monday out of town so I'm planning on leaving Sat morning and spending the weekend with some friends before the meeting on Monday. It will be good to get out of the house and not be around W all weekend.
Here's my question, and I'm trying to think ahead to a potential conversation if it comes up so that I can be prepared. My W probably thinks I'm going to be hanging out with my best friend this weekend. What she doesn't know is that he's actually not in town while I'm there. So, I contacted another close friend of mine from college who is a woman. We've always been pretty close friends but have never been intimate or that kind of "friends." To sound completely cheesy, we've always been good buds. I've sensed some jealousy from my W in the past about my relationship with this girl.
So, my question is, if W asks me before I leave, "So you are just going to hang out with best friend?" How do I respond? Right now I'm thinking I will just tell the truth. I will tell W, "best friend is out of town but I plan on getting to together with X since its been awhile and it'll be nice to catch up."
Or do I just say, "No, he's out of town" and leave it at that? What do I say if she follows up with, for instance, "Ok, who are you going to be hanging out with then?"
None of that might come up. She's yet to really ask me any questions that would be regarded as her "snooping" on me. Like, the other day, when I had to break off the conversation with her to make the call to my DB coach, she never asked me who it was or anything even though. Sometimes I think she's on this board reading the proper techniques! However, I want to be prepared in case I have piqued her curiosity over the past few days, especially regarding this GAL trip I'm taking.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Can you hide threads periodically? My W walked in while I was composing the last message and she might have seen the headlines of numerous threads on here opened as tabs!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Hello Wanted, I saw that you posted on my thread so I thought that it would be best to respond here.
Do NOT get the MIL involved. Yes, I did do it but regretted it instantly as it was the wrong thing to do. I was not thinking clearly and although I got a reaction from it, I cannot trust the intentions. Did my W only reach out because her Mother talked her into it? That is not going to help my cause and it surely will not help your cause. There are some unique circumstances in my W's past that make the R between her and my MIL very important that I cannot really get into here.
Listen to the others her and GAL. As far as your question above about telling her what you are going to do and who you will be with, it is none of her business. You have a meeting out of town that is all she needs to know. Being mysterious and living your own life is just one of the many ways to potentially get a WW to turn her head and become curious. Let her be curious, you do you for now and not worry about her.
Hero is giving you great advice to not reach out to your ML.
I can tell by your posts that your mind is constantly racing that you have to do something to stop your W from leaving you. It's called the "illusion of action". The truth of the matter is when that happens it tends to make things worse. If you would of reached out to your ML it wouldn't have gone as you expected. The jealousy card won't work.
I was so excited when my ex was going to tell her dad because I thought it would change her decision. Besides her kids she loves her dad more then anyone in the world. She would never want to anything disappoint him. Well he let her have it telling her it was a big mistake, you can't break up your family and brought her to tears. Guess what, she got over it and didn't change her mind. He helped her move, painted her walls in her new house and cuts her grass. That's what parents do, stick by you even if they don't agree with their decisions.
Now I am going to be completely honest with you. Right now your W has a lot of $hit she needs to figure out. She is a serial cheater and needs help to figure out why. You have to give her the time and space to figure out her issues. It is probably going to include separation or divorce. You can't make matters better right now but you can surely make them worse.
She has to choose to want to be with you. That's the only way it works out long-term.
