New chapter....with or without her

[EZdozit]

Another thing that I found interesting...

My dog who is 12 years old didn’t even get up to acknowledge W when she came over. It’s just interesting because W left our dog behind too and I do believe dogs have an instinct when they know someone abandoned them.

[Rose888]

It's good that you remained calm.

I noticed a couple of things you could improve.

1. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not validation.

2. Stop touching her car. Even to detail.

3. The comment about her attorney was unnecessary and baiting.

[EZdozit]

Thanks for the feedback Rose,

To clarify we did a car exchange as I was driving her car for the last 8 months while she was driving mine. Today we switched. I just wanted to make sure prior to exchange of vehicles that I would be giving her car in good clean, working order. She still found a reason to get mad...

I agree my comment about her attorney was probably unnecessary....but I failed to mention she started by telling me my Attorney was incompetent....for not responding petty issues.

I guess I need to revisit the validation thread..

[EZdozit]

Journaling

Since meeting with WAW a couple days ago, there has been a marked increase in interaction between us...some contentious...some surprisingly friendly. No expectations either way.

As I suspected she pulled her attorney into the vehicle exchange terms after the fact and tried to manipulate that the exchange was breached due to “appearance” of her car. I kept to the facts, responded that her or my opinion doesn’t deviate the terms that were agreed on. I fully expect she will take it somewhere and try to stick me with the bill...yawn.

On S front, I texted w to see if I could take him to a hayride event some friends are having on Friday evening, which would be her night. I offered her one of my days in exchange...she promptly replied and agreed to allowing me to take him as long as I could bring him to her place after event and not take one of my days. Said she hoped we have fun. This is now 2 times I will see her FTF this week....more than last 7 months.

Took S trick or treating last night and ran into some of his friends and parents from his old school. Exchanged numbers with a mom and a dad to organize future play dates with the kids. This is a huge deal for me as I had been at a marked disadvantage in setting up play dates or activities that S can do with his friends vs. W. While in MR...she was the organizer of these things and I didn’t really know any of S’s friends parents, etc.
Another win was the loads of candy S scored. Said it was his best Halloween ever!! Felt good to continue to develop GAL activities with S that aren’t strictly him and I.

Another development is some of the increased attention I’ve gotten from various single women. One from my divorce care group particularly asked me to dinner. The attention is nice, is a confidence boost...but not sure I want to go down that road yet. It does give me further assurances that my life is going to be awesome either way.

[SteveLW]

1. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not validation.

This is directly from the validation thread.

[Rose888]

And from this we learn two things:

It's been awhile since I read the validation thread.

I disagree with this part of the validation thread. 🙂

Maybe I read it using the wrong tone, but this doesn't come across as a statement that validates the feelings or perspective of the other person. It's like trying to pass "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt" off as an apology.

[EZdozit]

Journaling

Tonight was an awesome GAL event with son. Went with some new friends who invited us out to their land for a hayride, s’mores, a fire pit, and hotdogs. Awesome time with S. There were 6 families and kids ages varied from 2-13. S started a dance competition with several girls and he has the future of being a ladies man....

WAW texted 7 times and tried calling 3 times during event to change up scheduling at last minute. Didn’t respond to calls...just answered one text about change in time we agreed to do drop off. W had last minute plans with work colleagues for a dinner function downtown. I just view the extra time w/S as gravy.

Took S to W place and she was 15 min late. He started asking why mommy wasn’t home, etc...

I just said she had traffic and was behind schedule. (Huff)

W shows up and seems to be tipsy. I kept my distance while S displayed his excitement for the fun he had tonight. I got back into vehicle before W could initiate further dialogue...just said have a good evening.

Since getting home have received 3 texts from W raving about fun S had....I haven’t replied.

GAL activities tomorrow include a new men’s group I’ve joined...6 mile run, dinner with friends....and a “date” ??

Excited for weekend.

[EZdozit]

Question to the board...

I’ve taken my approach with SM up a notch since my life has opened up. FB posts has seemed to liven up W.

Since I have posted 2 GAL activities....W mirrors. Just an observation,

Is this normal?

BTW....I hate SM

[TJT]

Hi EZ,

First, want to acknowledge the dog comment. There's a similar element in my sitch and while the dog hasn't seen H in almost 2 months, and I do feel she would still be excited if he appeared, I am very surprised at how well she seems to be doing with him not coming home at all. Sure the first few days she kind of seemed to be expecting him, but after that it's pretty much been normal. I really hope she "gets" it too... I talk to her all the time and tell her I'm sorry this happened to her too, but that we will be better together, haha. Dogs can absolutely get depressed and grieve and I'm so happy this doesn't seem to be the case for us. I have also been making sure to spend more time with her to make up for the other half of interaction that's now missing and hoping she's just thinking "wow mom's really awesome!"

Second, SM is really a whole other wrench in dealing with these situations. It's way too easy for things to become a "game". Although I know a lot of other elements or our sitches feel like that too. I guess it just adds on is what I'm saying, but I do agree with what's been said in other threads about SM also being helpful toward socializing and detaching, if you can control the other parts that are distracting. It just [censored] to even have to think about, especially if before you both participated jointly as many couples do.

For me it's totally changed my social profile "personality" and where I would normally share regular updates about things happening in my life, obviously nothing has been bigger than my sitch so I've kind of gone radio silent. I have seriously considered whether I would even fully "rejoin" in terms of fully participating/actively posting again... I almost feel like it's one form of a "life" that is going to be immortalized as it is today, and if I wanted to be active again that I would even rather just create a separate, fresh account vs. having to hide/delete all kinds of things from the past 10 years on the current account. But I'm just not worrying about it for now. In my case I'm still kind of marinating in what even just happened.

Definitely a downfall of SM, it saves every memory you give it!

[EZdozit]

TJT,

Completely agree that SM is a bit of a game. I actually very rarely post anything (maybe 4-6/yr) the last 3 years or so and only keep it active due to some old friends I still like to see what’s going on in their lives. My w is similar in which she doesn’t post often to SM, so do see it’s all a game.

I believe at my stage everything my WAS does she parlays into trying to keep any semblance of control over me. Exactly why she changed up her schedule last night and then shows up 15 minutes late. She’s grasping at straws now that I’ve fully taken my b@lls back from her and returned back to the alpha version of myself I once was.

A bit of journaling:
W sent another text this a.m, asking to come over again to get a coat for S. I’m certain he has one at her place. I had already left for my men’s group but happened to have the coat S wore last night in car and offered to bring by. W said ok but then asked what I was doing and what I had planned for the day. I ignored and just said I would have S coat dropped off while they would be away while getting some allergy shots. Left on her back porch. More interaction last 5 days than last 5 months. No expectations. Continue GAL activities and keep her out of it.