Hero, that's great news! But do keep your guard up and don't go rushing back into the R. Take it slow, make sure she does the work she needs to do. Is she still seeing her IC? That needs to continue. MC needs to continue as well. Ease up on the "time and space" side of DB'ing and make yourself more available to her. But don't overdo it with aggressive pursuit. Remember the goal isn't to put things "back to normal" because that didn't work. Both of you need to plan on a lot of hard work. Check into Retrouvaille in your area, it is a fantastic program for establishing healthy communication habits moving forward. Good luck and keep posting!
I fully intend to keep up on my DB activities and will not give up my new schedule or hobbies. As mentioned above the end goal is to have a new and better relationship, there is no going back to the way things were.
I am still putting together my list and yes it includes a lot of the things already mentioned.
Here are some of my initial thoughts:
Full Transparency (Passwords, access to emails, voicemails, texts whether I actually want to look at them or not) Positive confirmation that there is no more contact with the OM* Honesty and Openness Commitment to putting in the necessary work Continue with IC to work on self and address issues from past abuse MC Fun spending quality time with each other (Joint activities and dates)
I put an * next to the OM, because I am not sure how to solve that issue since it is a co-worker of hers and there will be contact at work. I don't think it is reasonable for me to expect her to quit her job in order to stop contact, right? Or is that my NGS clouding my judgement. The issue with the A is going to be tricky for me to navigate as I feel I need to walk the fine line in making sure she is truly sorry and sincere about her change and punishing her/making her feel back just because of a mood swing of mine. I need to be firm, but just if that makes sense.
Also, she mentioned last week that she was going to call her Attorney to stop the D. I originally told her that was no rush to make decisions and that we are just going to go slow and take it day by day. She now wants to discuss our living arrangements (we are currently separated) and I am sure that she wants to come home. Would it be reasonable for me to add that if she wants to move back in our house that she also needs to stop the D in addition to satisfying my other non-negotiables? Or is that a reach? I guess my line of thought is, if she is serious about making it work then there should not be this weight hanging over our heads. I just don't want to pressure her unnecessarily.
I put an * next to the OM, because I am not sure how to solve that issue since it is a co-worker of hers and there will be contact at work. I don't think it is reasonable for me to expect her to quit her job in order to stop contact, right?
This should be your #1 non-negotiable. Unemployment is at an all-time low. Sandi just posted on someone else's thread about the addictiveness of A/OM. My W and I were doing quite well for about 2 months, until she went back to school and saw OM. Within a week she wanted S and it was all downhill from there.
I say try it out, see how she reacts. If she says, "Oh but that would be such a pain," then be skeptical. If she says, "Ugh, that stinks, but if it's what needs to happen then I'm open to it," you're good to go.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Hero, I was a WW H sometime ago. My OW was a co worker. Fortunately she was transferred to another working facility. I managed to keep N/C with her while working together but it was really hard. It was an addiction. I agree with Burned, the N/C rule is a must do.
Actions have consequenses. She must face reality, so do you.
Keep strong man. Keep moving into amoafwl.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I put an * next to the OM, because I am not sure how to solve that issue since it is a co-worker of hers and there will be contact at work. I don't think it is reasonable for me to expect her to quit her job in order to stop contact, right?
This should be your #1 non-negotiable. Unemployment is at an all-time low. Sandi just posted on someone else's thread about the addictiveness of A/OM. My W and I were doing quite well for about 2 months, until she went back to school and saw OM. Within a week she wanted S and it was all downhill from there.
I say try it out, see how she reacts. If she says, "Oh but that would be such a pain," then be skeptical. If she says, "Ugh, that stinks, but if it's what needs to happen then I'm open to it," you're good to go.
THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Many LBSs with WASs that had As with coworkers have fallen into this trap. "But we need the money." "She loves her job."
R is about her putting you back to the proper priority in her life that you should be. Make finding a new job a stipulation for R. Personally, I do not understand how a LBS could tolerate moving into MR 2.0 and piecing and Ring if the WAS still has regular contact with OP.
Hero18, if you think your sitch has been difficult, wait until you start piecing and Ring. It is by far the hardest endeavor I've ever embarked on. Bar none. This is why the D rate is so high, because it is actually easier to throw in the towel, give up and get a D. Piecing and Ring will require tremendous effort, self-control, and patience. I cannot imagine that being possible with the OP still in the picture. So cut him out of it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
