Hero is giving you great advice to not reach out to your ML.
I can tell by your posts that your mind is constantly racing that you have to do something to stop your W from leaving you. It's called the "illusion of action". The truth of the matter is when that happens it tends to make things worse. If you would of reached out to your ML it wouldn't have gone as you expected. The jealousy card won't work.
I was so excited when my ex was going to tell her dad because I thought it would change her decision. Besides her kids she loves her dad more then anyone in the world. She would never want to anything disappoint him. Well he let her have it telling her it was a big mistake, you can't break up your family and brought her to tears. Guess what, she got over it and didn't change her mind. He helped her move, painted her walls in her new house and cuts her grass. That's what parents do, stick by you even if they don't agree with their decisions.
Now I am going to be completely honest with you. Right now your W has a lot of $hit she needs to figure out. She is a serial cheater and needs help to figure out why. You have to give her the time and space to figure out her issues. It is probably going to include separation or divorce. You can't make matters better right now but you can surely make them worse.
She has to choose to want to be with you. That's the only way it works out long-term.
LH, thank you. I appreciate your comments.
You are absolutely right and while my head agrees with everything you say, a part of me (my heart I'm sure) keeps wanting me to do something to prevent what seems inevitable. I need to listen to my head more which I've done a pretty good job of doing so far this week.
I also understand that it's in God's hands and I just need to trust in Him.
As everyone knows, it's a roller coaster of emotions. Some moments I'm fine and others I'm absolutely heart broken and lost and feel as though I need to act not only for myself but for my kids. I want to protect my kids from the hurt of a potential out of the house S or D. My W thinks they will be "fine" and that we are both good parents and we don't need to be together to raise good kids and instill good qualities in them. That may be true, but it's still the emotional impact to them that she is overlooking. Which is ironic because it appears as though she's acting on complete emotion herself.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
So, my question is, if W asks me before I leave, "So you are just going to hang out with best friend?" How do I respond? Right now I'm thinking I will just tell the truth. I will tell W, "best friend is out of town but I plan on getting to together with X since its been awhile and it'll be nice to catch up."
Or do I just say, "No, he's out of town" and leave it at that? What do I say if she follows up with, for instance, "Ok, who are you going to be hanging out with then?"
I would NOT go into detail about what youll be doing. I feel like 'telling the truth' is only to invoke jealousy. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that it isnt her business and that youll be back Monday.
I would NOT go into detail about what youll be doing. I feel like 'telling the truth' is only to invoke jealousy. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that it isnt her business and that youll be back Monday.
Why is this so hard to learn?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I would NOT go into detail about what youll be doing. I feel like 'telling the truth' is only to invoke jealousy. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that it isnt her business and that youll be back Monday.
Why is this so hard to learn?
I guess it's just very counterintuitive to what you would normally say to your wife. I think it is very hard to accept/understand how treating her like something less than your wife would possibly make her MORE attracted to you.
My W probably thinks I'm going to be hanging out with my best friend this weekend. What she doesn't know is that he's actually not in town while I'm there. So, I contacted another close friend of mine from college who is a woman. We've always been pretty close friends but have never been intimate or that kind of "friends." To sound completely cheesy, we've always been good buds. I've sensed some jealousy from my W in the past about my relationship with this girl.
So, my question is, if W asks me before I leave, "So you are just going to hang out with best friend?" How do I respond? Right now I'm thinking I will just tell the truth. I will tell W, "best friend is out of town but I plan on getting to together with X since its been awhile and it'll be nice to catch up."
OK so the rule of thumb here is not to lie, but not to be real generous with information either. So you might say "no he's going out of town." Then if she asks if you're not doing anything after all then say "I still am, I made other plans." If she keeps pushing, THEN say "I plan on getting to together with X since its been awhile and it'll be nice to catch up." It's walking a fine line. Some LBS's are way too generous with info and others are way too stingy. The former makes it sound to the WAS like they are trying desperately to convince them they are not hiding anything, and the latter makes it sound like they are intentionally hiding something. But inbetween is where you want to be- I am living my own life and I will tell you about it if you insist but frankly I don't care to share it with you if I don't have to.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
Can you hide threads periodically? My W walked in while I was composing the last message and she might have seen the headlines of numerous threads on here opened as tabs!
Cadet or Job can do that for you, and they can "unhide" them later if you want.
My W probably thinks I'm going to be hanging out with my best friend this weekend. What she doesn't know is that he's actually not in town while I'm there. So, I contacted another close friend of mine from college who is a woman. We've always been pretty close friends but have never been intimate or that kind of "friends." To sound completely cheesy, we've always been good buds. I've sensed some jealousy from my W in the past about my relationship with this girl.
So, my question is, if W asks me before I leave, "So you are just going to hang out with best friend?" How do I respond? Right now I'm thinking I will just tell the truth. I will tell W, "best friend is out of town but I plan on getting to together with X since its been awhile and it'll be nice to catch up."
OK so the rule of thumb here is not to lie, but not to be real generous with information either. So you might say "no he's going out of town." Then if she asks if you're not doing anything after all then say "I still am, I made other plans." If she keeps pushing, THEN say "I plan on getting to together with X since its been awhile and it'll be nice to catch up." It's walking a fine line. Some LBS's are way too generous with info and others are way too stingy. The former makes it sound to the WAS like they are trying desperately to convince them they are not hiding anything, and the latter makes it sound like they are intentionally hiding something. But inbetween is where you want to be- I am living my own life and I will tell you about it if you insist but frankly I don't care to share it with you if I don't have to.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
Can you hide threads periodically? My W walked in while I was composing the last message and she might have seen the headlines of numerous threads on here opened as tabs!
Cadet or Job can do that for you, and they can "unhide" them later if you want.
Thank you, AS. That's the answer I was looking for. The 'what if she keeps asking' angle of it.
I'm not trying to intentionally invoke jealously. However, that brings up something I thought I remembered reading in DR which was that sometimes jealously works in your favor. I believe there was a particular story in DR where MWD talks about a W accidentally sending some texts that were meant for someone else to her WAH.....she accidentally sent some that said "I can't wait to get together!" etc. and that turned him around. I wish that could happen in my case, but I'm afraid wishing for that would just lead to more disappointment.
ZERO expectations has been my theme this week.
In fact, I feel like if I can get away with not telling her who I'll be hanging out with, the better. She tends to take whatever I say or do the complete opposite of what my intentions are, so if I were to say I'm hanging out with X, rather than her getting jealous she would probably have the mindset instead that "Ok, he's moving on, good, now I don't have to worry about his feelings any longer! Let's file this puppy and get it over with!"
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
I'm not trying to intentionally invoke jealously. However, that brings up something I thought I remembered reading in DR which was that sometimes jealously works in your favor. I believe there was a particular story in DR where MWD talks about a W accidentally sending some texts that were meant for someone else to her WAH.....she accidentally sent some that said "I can't wait to get together!" etc. and that turned him around. I wish that could happen in my case, but I'm afraid wishing for that would just lead to more disappointment.
Be very careful with this thinking. WASs are like sharks. LBS' manipulation attempts are like blood in the water. A shark can smell blood in the water from a mile away. The reason the example in the book worked (and I honestly don't remember that account but believe you that it is in there) is because it was an honest mistake. I can almost guarantee you that if that had been done on purpose then the WAH would never have batted an eye about it.
I agree in general though, J does work. That is why GAL and being coy about it works so well. There are multiple threads on this board from folks that GAL very very well. And then have their WASs start wondering what the heck they are doing. Accusations of them seeing someone usually follow (which is always so hypocritical!). But GAL should be done without expectations, which is why it needs to be tightly-coupled with detachment. Otherwise you will do GAL with one eye looking over your shoulder to see if your WAW is noticing. The key is to not care if she notices or not, and GAL anyway!
Quote
In fact, I feel like if I can get away with not telling her who I'll be hanging out with, the better. She tends to take whatever I say or do the complete opposite of what my intentions are, so if I were to say I'm hanging out with X, rather than her getting jealous she would probably have the mindset instead that "Ok, he's moving on, good, now I don't have to worry about his feelings any longer! Let's file this puppy and get it over with!"
All LBS worry about this. "If I am coy with GAL then they'll think I don't care anymore and it will speed up their leaving." In 90% of the cases the opposite actually happens. The WAS gets so intrigued by the changes that they set out to find out what is going on rather than moving anything forward. My W was on the path for D full speed, until I started to GAL with detachment. The better I got at GAL and detaching the slower she headed down the path she was on. It went from "I am so excited to get a place of my own!" to "God hates divorce, I know that. So I want to not want a D."
DBing is no guarantee, but in my experience it sure has better odds than pursuit and pressure.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Over the last couple days, I've seriously contemplated reaching out to my MIL. My W hasn't told her parents anything about what's going on. Back when the first A took place 5 years ago, I made my W text her mom and tell her what she'd done to me. Probably not the right thing to do, but the point is, my MIL knows her D betrayed me back then.
It seems like both Puppy and Allen sort of advocate exposing it in their different quotes in your thread. Is that true or am I not reading thing correctly?
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
