Wow FS. I could have written that. I so know what you mean about family time being spent without you and how much that hurts. I still think your H is putting on a show though. There is no way he is just going to breeze through this and not look back when he has such a wonderful W. To him, you probably look A-OK too and it is going to start to bother him if it hasn’t already [I suspect it has - hence the show.] Just stay the course. Keep GAL. Look forward to your improv course. Let yourself have happy moments. Yesterday and tomorrow only exist in our minds so try not to torture yourself with memories and dire predictions. Stay in the moment. You are going to be okay. I fully believe that. We are both going to emerge from this better people - stronger, kinder and wiser. AWOAFWL. Your story is not done...this is just one chapter. The questions you ask are completely normal, I think. I ask myself those all the time. What if this does become normal and I just accept it or, even worse, start to be okay with it? If I lose my desire to stand, is it the end for us? I think all we can do is move on as best we can and have faith that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. We also have to keep reminding ourselves that the H’s we have now are not the people we would want in our lives if we just met them now. They both have work to do and it is work that will not happen as long as we are in front of them distracting them from the REAL problem...themselves. So hang in there. Take advantage of opportunities presented to GAL. The rest will take care of itself. (((HUGS)))
Really sorry you're going through this FS, it's certainly painful to see "family" events no longer involve your participation! The best recourse for that is to plan something that is just for YOU and the kids. Plan it right now! Maybe something for this weekend or next weekend, but plan it and tell the kids about it. Their excitement will spill over to you and change your mood.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
When does the new normal just become normal?
It varies from person to person but for me it was about a year post BD before I really settled into life without W and dropped the rope and could be pretty much unaffected by things like her taking the kids to do something without me. Definitely by the 18 month mark I was over it. I mean it never -completely- goes away, even now years later if I hear about my ex and kids doing something fun together there's a slight pang there but not enough to change my mood.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
If it stops hurting, does that mean that I have stood down?
"Stood down" sounds like you're asking if you'll quit, but I think "moving on" is a more apt description. You'll never stop loving him (although the love will change from being "in love" to more like loving him as a family member) or just give up and quit or anything like that. You'll slowly come to accept things, deal with them, and move past it. I know it's painful now, and I also know that nothing I say is really going to make it better right now. I remember people telling me "with time you'll get over it and be better" and thinking "no you have no idea what I'm going through." But they were right, I did get over it and now it all just seems like a really bad dream. And you will be better too. Until then just take it a day at a time, or an hour if you can't stand a day. Just focus on getting through the next increment of time with no thoughts about what tomorrow will bring. Get out and GAL and hold hope in your heart.
Thanks DejaVu and AS. Everything you both say I know is true. I know I am just having a bit of a wobble. I will pick myself back up.
Stood down for me is when I let go of the rope. I don't think it will be a conscious decision. I will just wake up one day and realise that I have not thought or been concerned about him for a while. Part of me wants that day to come, part of me fears it.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
To him, you probably look A-OK too and it is going to start to bother him if it hasn’t already [I suspect it has - hence the show.]
I worry that by thinking I am OK this somehow removes the guilt or drives him further awat. But I have read enough threads here to know, as counterintuitive as it feels, I really have no option but to to detach. The annoying thought that it is driving him further makes it self known non-the-less.
I speak to people and they say how unfair he is being to me. How I deserve better. I know well meaning people are in his ear telling him he needs to make a decision. And I want them to stop. To just let him be. Because this horrible limbo is better than him being pushed into a decision I hope he still isn't ready to make. I will stay the course though.
On a side note: I was looking at my LinkedIn profile and the girl he was on a date with came up as someone I might know. We work in different industries and have no mutual connections. So the only reason is that she has looked at my profile. I resisted the urge to look at hers . I am better than that. I have not and am not wasting any emotion on her. She is nothing to me but a sideline to me (and I suspect she is the same or him) but it was interesting she has stalked me. His statement "it is only casual, there are no expectations" which I think is true on his side, is definitely not true for her.
Again... I could have written that [minus the bit about the LinkedIn stalker...but give me some time...lol]. I have that exact same worry - that if I look okay, he will take that as a cue to push ahead with lightening speed. But then I am reminded that not looking okay is not attractive to anyone let alone our H's. Human nature is to want something you aren't sure you can have. Being someone's solid Plan B is what creates and encourages the limbo. I KNOW this but it is so darn hard to practice it when my stomach starts churning every time I see him. When we have a good talk, that feelings goes away but, at the same time, I suspect I go back to being a solid Plan B again. That is the hardest part of this whole sitch - that and it feeling a bit like a game to me which is so not me. There are times when I really feel it - that I will be okay and moving on is a good thing. But then there are other times when I just want to feel his arms around me again. I dread that feeling. And I dread not having it too. I guess that is the definition of limbo, isn't it. Anyway...just wanted to send you a ((hug)). Hang in there.
Thanks DejaVu - Right now I don't even think I am the Plan B.
I think his plan A (get a flat, maintain relationship with children, have freedom to go out with friends whenever I want, date) is going swimmingly. Now that I thrown "look I'm getting on fine" into the mix he doesn't even have to worry about me.
Doubts. Today is a day of doubts. Sleepless night last night. Caught H in a lie. Doesn't matter what it was about. It threw me in a spin. This detaching is easier said then done.
When you start detaching is it normal to feel like you are pushing them further and further away ?
I would love to accept H's offer to spend the afternoon with him and the kids at the pumpkin patch. But I know I really shouldn't.
I hate the sleepless nights. I’ve had too many of those these past few weeks. My heart goes out to you FS. I know what you are going through and I get why you would love to accept his offer. My advice would be to only go if you have no expectations. I’ve had a hard time with that. Sometimes expectations are there and you don’t even know it. I am having a doubt-filled evening which I really hope is not going to lead to a sleepless night because I have to get up early to volunteer at a breakfast for the homeless. Hard to believe that four weeks ago, my H was there with me and I was thinking that he was moving back home the next day. Anyway...I need to head off but I wanted to send you some support before I did. Do something nice for yourself today. Take are of you. (((HUGS)))
I have said no to the pumpkin patch thing. I didn't know I'd say no until I spoke to him today. He just sounded so darn normal about everything that I knew I couldn't face him today.
When I said I wasn't going to come, he practically hung up on me. He didn't even ask if I wanted to talk to the kids. Just went, OK, well I'm leaving at 2 so make sure you're here at 2 to take over. I replied that I wasn't going to base my time on when he left and if his mum called to let me know when she was ready for the kids to be picked up I would come and get them. He went ok, by and hung up. I couldn't even get a word in edge ways. He had his own expectations and got angry when I didn't fit in with them.
I don't know about you DejaVu, but this detachment thing feels very very wrong. I get the pursuit and distance dance. it makes sense. But what happens if both parties are taking the role of distancer ??
I think you are right... he totally had expectations of you coming with him. I get about not being able to face him too. Yesterday I just needed to leave. Today I came home from my volunteer work and he was at home checking in on the kids (their grandma has gone for a couple of days). He got a big smile on his face when he saw me. Made me wonder if the smile was because he was genuinely happy to see me or if it he thinks the best defense is a good offense and if he smiles, I can’t be made at him. I hope it is the former but it could just as easily be the latter. Anyway, I gave him a few ideas (errands) he could do with the kids and he happily went off to do them. Tomorrow is technically his day and he told me he is thinking about taking them river fishing. I reminded him we still have a half bottle of wine left from Tuesday and he said we will have to finish it off soon. I almost invited him to dinner but stopped myself... detach, detach, detach.
Speaking of... I know what you mean about it feeling wrong. I think my H’s and I biggest problem in our marriage was that we did not interact with each other enough. We were ships that passed in the night (mostly his fault because he was running away to his boat/garage) but even before then, we got into this habit of “tag teaming” on the child care. We had a big house with a lot of upkeep to do and both of us had long commutes so would try to cram everything into the weekend. Usually that meant he would take off with the kids for an afternoon and I would do laundry, vacuuming, etc... What I realize now is that we would have been far better off to get the housework done first and then go somewhere together but hindsight is always 20/20. We were also living pay cheque to pay cheque despite both having good careers because we were living in the most expensive neighbourhood in the country (where he grew up) which didn’t help as we were never really able to go anywhere or have too many date nights. In short, we focused on the kids and our home and really just ignored our relationship - took it for granted. I knew it on some level but just kept telling myself we could “fix it” when the kids got bigger and more independent and we had more $. Well...that time has arrived and look where we are. No one ever said life was fair. So...longwinded answer to your question. Yes...it does feel wrong. In my case because I think distancing is what got us here in the first place. A 180 for me would be paying more attention to my H, not less. But... I think that is only if he were still living with me. I think because he is gone, I need to detach...for me and my sanity. Lately I’ve been telling myself that he isn’t coming back. I don’t fully believe that yet...but I really need to start getting used to the idea so I am not completely devastated when/if it becomes clear that is the way this is heading. If I were you, I would probably say “yes” to the next invitation that comes my way. It is that difficult balancing act of detaching but still leaving the door open. I think you can feel good about saying “no” today. He got a clear message - you aren’t just sitting around waiting for him to pay you some attention. You have a life too. I guarantee you that your “no” made an impact. Make sure you thank him for the invite and tell him that you would have loved to have gone but you already had made plans. Keeps the door open for another invitation, I think.
Gotta run. I’m getting my nails done while my H is out with the kids. Factoring in the 8 hour difference in our time zones, I imagine you are winding down your day. Hope you had a good one and did something nice for yourself. (((HUGS)))
DejaVu - ships in the night and playing tag team with childcare sounds exactly like where H and I were. We bought a big house (his choice - H was always aspirational) we couldn't really afford. Pretty much all my pay went into paying the mortgage. I was Ok with it as I knew his income would go up and he would be able to contribute more financially. I also thought that when the kids got bigger the ships in the night would end and we could start spending 'couple' time together. His salary finally matched mine a few years ago, but no additional contribution. We could trust them with babysitters and not just family - but by then it was too late. I didn't physically lose my for four years before BD but he was definitely depressed in the 6-12 months before. So, I lost him emotionally. Still BD was a huge shock for me.
Journaling .... My MIL just dropped the kids off and we had a conversation about H. I said all the right things (I think). He is still a good man. He is prioritizing the kids. We are fortunate that it is amicable.
She told me he has spoken to her about the OW (at her request). He didn't tell her much. He showed her a picture. MIL commented that she looks like me but a more ordinary version. He told her it is not serious but he suspects she might have other ideas. MIL primary concern is OW will accidentally get pregnant. My H's profession makes him marketable marriage material. H told her not to worry, that he was upfront from the start - he did not want more kids, he is not looking for commitment and that he will always put his kids first.
Apparently OW was OK with all of this. She also does not want kids. She also does not want commitment. She is fine that his kids come first and his job second. Firstly ... WTF ... she is a woman in her thirty's who does not want kids (possible but who in your 30's can say they will never want kids), does not want any form of commitment and is happy to be third on his list of priorities (yes, I am happy that you just want me for sex whenever you can make time for me). Note: I did not say any of this. I just said ... I hope he knows what he is getting himself in for.
*** removes her self from yet another cheeseless tunnel ***
I had a lovely afternoon by myself as H had the girls overnight and then took them to his mums for pumpkin picking - then his mum had them the rest of the day. I didn't do very much. Watched TV. Meditated a little. Lurked on the forum on and off. Took my time making a healthy dinner for one from scratch. Doesn't sound like much but before H moved out I was never on my own at home. Weekends were always rushing from one place to another. At home it was always me and the girls, or me the girls and H. It took me a while to get use to the emptiness. I really like it now.
H is coming around at 8 tomorrow to take D12 to football. Though, H is out tonight so not sure how he thinks he can be sober enough to drive at 8 in the morning. MIL was concerned as well and asked him today if he thought he would be fine to drive. He said he was only having a few drinks. When he lived at home and went out with the lads he is going out with tonight, he was normally still sleeping at lunch time. My H cannot stick to one drink. He is the guy buying shots at 10:00 and then insisting everyone stay for one more drink at the end of the night. MIL thinks he is probably either not going to be able to do the pick up in the morning (because of his inability to say no to a drink) or he is out on a date with OW and doesn't want to tell us.
Hmmnnn ... I think I may pass on the football tomorrow if/when he comes around. I don't want to face his hangover (he will be cranky and overly sensitive) or if he is not hungover, then I will know he was with her, and I will be cranky and overly sensitive ... and unable to tell him why ... because I am not supposed to care.
Hi FS. Wouldn’t it be nice if were the type of women who could use another person to escape from our pain without feeling like it is incredibly wrong?? Can you imagine the relief? The problem is, I can also imagine the mess it would eventually lead to. Re: your H’s OW. I don’t believe her for a second. That’s the kind of thing you tell someone at the start of a relationship [and convince yourself of too] in order to rope them in. As the relationship goes on, she will want more and the pressure will increase. Try not to think of the OW too much. She really means nothing. As soon as she starts to make demands of him, he will run. No doubt.
My H has assured me numerous times and seems very sincere that he is not dating...just trying to figure himself out. If that is the case, I”m glad. If it is not, I wish I knew because I think I would be more motivated to move on at a faster rate. One thing I am sure of though is that there are no more kids in his future. After the twins were born, he volunteered to get a vasectomy and then, later, go figure, blamed me for it (one of his complaints on BD #1). So crazy cause I never even thought about it at the time. But that is how history gets rewritten, I suppose.
Got home from getting my nails done and the kids were home by themselves. Not a huge deal as they are pretty good on their own for an hour or two but it still bugs me that he can’t seem to stick around with them longer than a few hours or wait until I get home before he leaves. But...he is always in a rush to get back to what, I will never really understand.
So glad you had a nice evening to yourself and that you made yourself a meal. I have a hard time making myself anything other than a salad. I stopped by my favourite deli and bought one of their mini meatloafs. Think I will pop that in the oven and have a nice salad and a glass of wine. A nice date with me...lol.
Sweet dreams FS. Hope you have a great day tomorrow. (((HUGS)))
