Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (6)

[Ready2Change]

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... The emotional connection...this is CRITICAL for me...that emotional connection is so important to me. Good conversations, physical affection, expressions of appreciation, compliments, etc... indicators that my H was interested in and felt an attraction towards me. These were rare and it took its toll.....

[Ready2Change]

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Work on detaching.....whether he says he loves you and wants to be with you forever, or says he was the D finalized yesterday, you need to be steady and sure. Not excited by the first one, not devastated by the second. I see you are doing GAL activities, but notice how he temp checks you while you are? "What are you doing?" IGNORE THAT. It is none of his freaking business!! He is firing you as his W, yet then wants to track you like a H would track a W. DO NOT LET HIM DO THAT. Decisions have consequences, make him feel those consequences.

If you feel you have to respond then how about "NOYB". Personally I think you should just ignore it. Later when he says "You didn't answer my text." You can say "Sorry, I was busy."

Remember this rule on texting: Texts that are not questions: DO NOT RESPOND. Texts that are questions, answer on your own time (IE not right away), and then in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

STOP BEING AT HIS BECKON CALL.

[Ready2Change]

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At first I was trying the same tactic you employed, lately I am doing the opposite. Now I simply go out and do my thing with the kids. We have a great time together, i make it as fun as possible for them, I show them extra love and at the end of the night they don't seem to pay much attention to mom's absence. I think long term this will have a two fold effect. One that is immediately apparent is my relationship with the kids is better then ever and overall myself and the kids are happier. The second that may or may not come down the road is this will help WAW see what she has truly walked away from and what she is missing out on. I was trying to shield my kids from all of this and I'm not sure that was the best move, I feel it was fake. They obviously don't need to know the details of what is going on, they need to figure some of that out on their own. But they don't need to be shielded from reality. The reality of the situation is that the kids family for now has broken up. Their mom is not around like she should be but it is not my job to make W realize that or ensure it happens. The loving mother they once knew who was always there for them doesn't exist right now. That is a really hard truth to accept and is incredibly sad but at the end of the day it is reality.

Kids should have two loving parents in their lives to guide them through life, especially early on. The sitch is not ideal but I have become comfortable with the fact that I will single handedly be the one to pick up the slack from W's absence and do the best I can on my own. I know what I am capable of and I know that my kids will also come out of this mess with a lot of life lessons and be stronger individuals because of the loving father that is currently doing everything he can to be there for them.

[Ready2Change]

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Everything is counter-intuitive.

This should be the first change to your belief system:

Remember, D is not the end of the world. Many couples D, but end up back together. Just keep DBing. Whether he comes back, files, or even if the D goes all the way through to finalization, KEEP DBing!

Remember, HE doesn't DESERVE YOU! He should be begging you to take him back. He should be hoping YOU don't file for D.

Flip the script. The worst thing you could do right now is to let him back too easily.

[Ready2Change]

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"If she has sex with me she must love me."

I am guessing you haven't read too many relationship books, or done much research on male-female relationships. Women know within the first minute of meeting a man whether or not she'd ever be willing to have sex with him. Are you going to argue that a woman falls in love with a man in the first minute of having met him? I do not think so.

Woman equate love to other things. Is he kind and gentle with me? Does he take care of me? Does he do things for me?

You should read 5 Love Languages. Almost every guy has Physical Touch as either his primary or secondary love language.

Women typically have the other 4 above physical touch. Their LL is typically words of affirmation, or acts of service, or quality time or receiving gifts.

Look up the 5 love languages, and you can take the test.

Most women only fall in love with men they respect. Respect breeds attraction which breeds love for most women. Do you think she respects you right now?

[Ready2Change]

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Steve, I'm curious. How did you get her to own up to her part in the failure of your marriage?

Jim, this is a good question. And one that, unfortunately in my case, doesn't have a good answer. Also, I am not sure it is a question that should be asked (I'll explain).

My best answer is that it was through DBing. When I started DBing (let her go to get her back, 180ing on bad behavior, GAL, and detaching) I think she started to take stock of what she was doing and how it would affect her life, and our D's life. It would have been easy for her to continue to feel justified in her decided course of action if I continued my boorish behavior and made no changes post BD. It was very gradual, over time that she started to wake up to the fact that our MR could be rebooted, and we could both be happy together.

As with most, she was leery of my changes at first. She'd seen that movie before, and as most WAWs, she wasn't sure if they were real and lasting and permanent. So for the first 2 months I don't think she was ready to own her own behavior (SSM, checking out housekeeping-wise, no longer trying herself in he MR).

A couple of key things:

First, MC. I think MC was where she saw me really taking ownership of my problems in the marriage. Until then she saw it as me "trying to convince her of my changes". But when I didn't excuse or deny my own shortcomings to an unbiased third party I think she started to trust that I really got my part in all that had happened.

Second, when I told her fairly early on in the MR that I had spoken to a lawyer, I think this surprised her. When she asked a few questions I said that if it came to it, I would be filing for D for adultery. (The jury was still out on that really, since it was never a PA and only an EA.) But this was the first time I saw her kind of realize that her actions were not justified. That turning the energy of the marriage outside of the marriage wasn't the way to try to fix things.

Since R I have seen a lot of 180s from her. She is back to making family dinners for all of us. Her housekeeping has been much better and she is making it a priority. We've been intimate regularly. So while there was never a moment where she said "Hey I realize what my part in the breakdown was." Her actions are speaking louder than her words. Words are just words, so I wouldn't put a lot into what she says. Even if she said "I realize my part in all of this" if her actions don't match that it doesn't mean anything.

The reason I say you shouldn't really ask that is because my fear is you are looking for a magic bullet that would bring about an AHA moment to your W. If that is what you are looking for then you will be disappointed because those types of things don't happen very often in sitches like ours. There isn't a lot you can do or say that bring about that kind of realization. In fact I think pointing it out will cause most WASs to deny, justify, avoid, etc. In other words it will have a negative impact on your sitch. Further, if you are looking for an AHA moment from her I think you will be disappointed. While I believe the majority WASs know deep down that what they are doing is wrong, human-beings have an unbelievable ability to do what I just said above: deny, justify, avoid, etc. Plus this is enhanced by certain personality types and flaws.

Hang in there Jim. Deep down she probably knows her own part. If you continue to DB, especially being consistent in your own 180'd behavior, she'll eventually come around, I believe.

[Ready2Change]

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This journey, as hard as it may be, is also about taking a long hard look in the mirror and seeing our parts in the S. Until we can see ourselves for what we are and take responsibility for the our part, then we cannot forgive ourselves or our S. Yes, her actions are extreme, but try and understand what led to them. Understanding is part of forgiving. If you can't forgive then there is no hope of moving forward in your own growth.

[Ready2Change]

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I now am in full detach mode and it's getting noticed. And I'm caring less and less. When I have an inkling of a positive thought about my W, my mind immediately goes to "She cheated on you and is dating another man while legally married to you, continually disrespects you, and cake eats. She doesn't deserve squat right now". That mindset has been helping me detach more.

[Ready2Change]

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Here I am. Officially now 100 days into a process acknowledged as Divorce Busting, but is so much more. It's about facing my past and addressing the issues that contributed to the situation I got myself into. In the last 100 days, I have learned about and are addressing the following:

- FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Confronting my parents about the way I was raised and told them about their contribution towards this. Since confronting them, I have been able to talk to them like an adult and not like a scared little boy afraid of making my parents mad and getting a beatdown for saying the wrong thing. I am not afraid of their reactions anymore.

- NGS/Finding my balls (Thanks Sandi). This is the biggest glaring cause of why I am in the situation I am in. All of my life I have people-pleased and ultimately it caught up to me in the most painful way possible. This is something that I am working hard on addressing and resolving. I do not need to explain any further since everyone here knows pretty well where I stand and what I need to continue to work on.

- Confidence in myself- I have always had a problem with my image. And facing the likely reality that I will be single again brings up the questions of whether I will find another relationship with someone else if we divorce. I have my good days and my bad days, but I have been getting a little more confident each day in who I am, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am an awesome guy. I am a caring guy. A great father. A hard worker. A funny person. I just need to show it. This is something that I need to work on. Biggest insecurity I have been dealing with all my adult life.

I do not know what is going to happen to my MR. But at this point, I am learning the hard way that I cannot control that. I can only control myself. And I'm starting to embrace it and work on it. I still pray for resolution and R, but I have accepted that R is completely out of my hands now. And I'm starting to feel...free.

[Ready2Change]

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This is where I get a little frustrated with you guys. What you say above may sound logical. However, you miss the point about making her happy. First of all, she won't lose respect for you b/c you made her happy, okay? Giving her everything she wants doesn't make her happy, or define you as a good H. She loses respect b/c you become passive and won't stand up to her when she is out of line, showing disrespectful behavior toward you as her H. If she says something or does something disrespectful, do you tell yourself you will be the bigger person and ignore it? If she throws a fit of anger over something you did that she doesn't like, do you tell yourself to keep the peace and not say anything back to her, and you quietly crawl into your shell? This is the type of man a woman doesn't find attractive and she won't respect. She sees you not having the b@lls to stand up for yourself. So, she does more things that are more disrespectful. Why? B/c women want men who are stronger than she is, so she'll test him.

Some men become so centered on making the W happy that they develop a subservient behavior pattern, and that kills attraction. I've seen a lot on the board, especially when a newly LBH is trying to win back his WW. He falls into the Super Husband mode, where he's doing every bit of the housework, cooking laundry, etc. He makes up excuses, like telling the board he's doing it for himself, or he's trying to take some stress off his W, or whatever. No, he's trying to score brownie points,...…...and he doesn't understand why she doesn't feel sexual desire for him. In all fairness to the guys, some WW's use the housework stuff as her excuse for why she's wanting out of the M, but that is bogus. She doesn't have the hots for OM b/c her H wasn't doing enough housework.

A man with NGS is going to find it's easier to leave all the decisions up to his W. He becomes very passive in everyday stuff. "Whatever you decide, dear, is fine with me". He becomes a "yes dear" kind of guy b/c he thinks it makes her happy. But it doesn't. Yes, she probably wants to pick out the colors to paint the rooms, but she wants you to pick out which car is the best quality. She wants you to get the lawn mower, and have the roof put on the house. Sometimes, she wants to hear you say where the family will eat out instead of leaving every decision up to her. We women actually think it is attractive for men to lead and make some decisions! If we have to tell him everything to do, then we start talking to him as if he is one of the kids...….and/or we'll boss him around. I blame the H if he allows his W to boss him around. It's not about whether or not it makes her happy, but about dignity and respect. Does this make sense, b/c if you don't truly understand, you will continue making the same mistakes with women in relationships.