13 years and two small children

[Hurt213]

I think the lying comes easy indeed, as I have caught her on multiple occasions spinning the truth in her favor. Any advice regarding regaining the lost respect, or should I just think of it as gone forever?

I am working on being the best dad possible, and I am eating my way through the many very helpfull articles and threads on the site. Thanks a lot for the input, it is really helpful.

[Hurt213]

Update:

So we actually did not get to talking yesterday as she apparently got sick and had to drive home from work (she spent the remainder of the day on the couch with hot drinks and antibiotics after having seen the doctors). I had my hands full with kids and house, so I didn't initiate any talk.

When the kids were asleep I sat down in the living room for a cup of tea before heading to bed. She asked me a question regarding when the real estate broker would be here, but then she didn't say anymore. Her phone was going off the charts though, so I guess she had her hands full with the OM on there (trying not to care). I was drained so after 30 minutes of her not engaging in communication, I told her, that I was calling it a night, and went to my room and fell asleep.

This morning, she told me she had to go to the doctors again, and she insisted, that I felt her throat because she was sure it was swollen, She also wanted me to feel her forehead because she was sure she had a fever. I was unsure how to react, and therefore I just did what she asked. She sent me two messages this morning on snapchat (I believe they were just group snapchats - nothing personal requested or shared).

She seems very closed off, and I don't really know the abbreviations clearly yet so I don't know if I am dealing with a wayward or walk away wife (maybe someone here can help me?).

Its for certain though, that she is getting her emotional needs (and physical too) covered somewhere else, as we up too 3 months ago were always communicating throughout the day.

I responded to her snapchats with a "It was really a good thing you went to the doctors and got the medicine, since you were feeling so ill -I hope you feel better soon".

Don't know if I shouldn't have?

[Hurt213]

Journal:

Yesterday I went out and had a great night with a friend of mine. I actually managed to keep my head clear of what is going on at "home" for a couple of hours - it was only after I arrived home, that I realized that (It made me happy).

She made me a coffee this morning, in a cup that read "Worlds greatest dad". I don't think she did it because she likes me, I think it might be because she feels guilty? Anyway I said thanks, but didn't touch the cup.

She informed me, that she is going to heading out tonight (To see the OM) and she will be home later. I just said "Okay", and smiled, even though my entire insides were turning. I know she and I are no longer a couple, however we are living together, and have kids together. I feel really disrespected by the fact that she so openly goes out and get her needs attended to elsewhere. She will actually spend an entire hour running around the house, putting on perfume, choosing what clothes she looks good in, then walk around the living room, waiting for him to tell her she can now come over.

Do I fold my hand and just leave this mess? I really do not want to, and I think we can salvage things, however not as long as this OM is there (She is basically at his beck and call at this point, and I fear she will be for longer than it takes to sell the house, inform the kids, and shred what we could be forever).

Advice much appreciated as always.

[FlySolo]

Yesterday I went out and had a great night with a friend of mine. I actually managed to keep my head clear of what is going on at "home" for a couple of hours - it was only after I arrived home, that I realized that (It made me happy).

That's great. Do more of this. It gets easier.

She informed me, that she is going to heading out tonight (To see the OM) and she will be home later. I just said "Okay", and smiled, even though my entire insides were turning. I know she and I are no longer a couple, however we are living together, and have kids together. I feel really disrespected by the fact that she so openly goes out and get her needs attended to elsewhere. She will actually spend an entire hour running around the house, putting on perfume, choosing what clothes she looks good in, then walk around the living room, waiting for him to tell her she can now come over.

She is not thinking about you. She has an exciting new romance to keep her busy.

How much you can take is up to you. If you want to salvage the M then keeping standing. This is where detachment and 180 fits in. Do more of that. Your W will do as she will do without little thought of you, the home you've built, and dare I say it, the kids. Any threats or statements of ILU will fall on deaf ears. Detaching and 180 is really to protect you. At first it's a good way of keep the fears and negative thoughts at bay. But.as you've discovered above, the more you do, the more you will enjoy it, and even look forward to it. Also, protect your kids. GAL with them too.

[Hurt213]

Update:

Today I woke up early, and packed my gear for a golf tournament I had signed up for. I had made sure the kids got something to eat, and told the old one (4 years old), that I would be gone for the day but I would be back to tug her in tonight. My ex decided to get out of bed 10 minutes before I left, as she had been out seeing OM the night before and came "home" late. She wished me good luck in my tournament and told me to write her updates of how things went - I didn't respond nor did I send her anything today.

I left at 7.00 this morning and weren't home before 18.30 - I had a great day and didn't think about my situation and ex before around 16.00. She put some calendar dates in our shared calendar (that we keep for things related to the kids). She announced there, that she would be going to OM tonight when I got home. It really got me somehow - don't know why its so hard after 3 months still.

I ended up winning the tournament and should be real happy, but my mood was really down and I had a hard town focusing on the happy things. I came in the door at 18.30 - youngest was tucked in, and oldest was really happy to see me. Ex greeted me in the door and immediately asked how tournament went - I told her that I won and that I had a great day - She then just threw herself at me and hugged me tight and told me how wonderful, and wanted to hear all about it and the reactions from the other players and people watching. I honestly didn't want to hug her, but I was caught off surprise, and I really felt like a looser after. I only told her in short responses how it went. She said "its so amazing, isn't it? or do you not care? - I care and I think it is really amazing she then said) - since i didn't really respond to her trying to make conversation.

She then asked me if I needed to shower before her - again I was reminded that she was going to OM. I went to the bathroom, and felt really disrespected, as she had laid out the clothes she would be wearing tonight, including the lingerie...

After my shower, I went to tug in the big one, and she proceeded to take a bath, and while I was tugging in the eldest kid, she took off. In the kitchen I found a note she made of things needed to be done, before the real estate broker gets her on saturday - she had already done some of the things (cleaning out some closets). She had thrown out a lot of stuff, and I needed a document she accidentally trashed, so I went to retrieve it - I found that the cards and notes that I previously wrote her, before I knew of OM were also just trashed (she even ripped some of them over). That made me a bit sad, as she had kept on to them for this entire time. Guess she just doesn't want anything to do with us anymore (no idea why she is so interested in my day then).

So all in all a good day, but im going to sleep sad and with a heavy heart - its taking its toll on me these days.

Advice appreciated as always.

[Rose888]

Congratulations on the tournament!

As for why your wife is being nice and interested in your day even though she's throwing away cards and stuff, this is something we see on the board relatively often--spouses who are through with the romantic relationship and marriage but still have friendly feelings toward the LBS.

In her mind, those are probably two completely separate things.

Don't try to read anything into it, and try (I know it's hard) not to dwell on it.

[equalzr]

She wants you to be he bff, while she goes over to lay up with OM. She'll be nice as long as you dont get in the way of her cake eating.

[Hurt213]

Am I dealing with a wayward or a WAW ? I don't really know how to tell..

Judging from my info posted so far, is this "relationship" totally doomed and should I just say goodbye and thanks for what was ?

I feel like fighting for this relationship though... she wrote today, calling me nicknames and acting all happy and friendly - All i could think of was that this morning, she didn't say good morning, however i woke last night from a shadow in the hallway, she was apparently looking at me and my daughter sleeping (she didn't notice I woke) she stood there observing us for 2 minutes after she came home from OM, before she silently went to the other end of the house to go to sleep - meaning of this ?

I found a old letter she wrote me 10 years ago, where I was about to leave her. She pleaded, begged and cried her heart out, asking for us to reconcile, and talk about things, not make hasty decisions and what not. I printed this out together with a letter stating, that I am going to be moving on now for the sake of myself and the kids - I have tried to reason with her (my bad), but she clearly does not see anything as long as OM is in the picture. I told her that multiple times in the past where one of us had found another, destiny lead us together again - always the same pattern - However this time is different since we now are selling a home, dividing the kids, and breaking a lot in the proces - I don't know if we are able to get back even if destiny shows us the way when her rebound ends - I am going to give her the old mail together with this letter tonight.

Help is appreciated

[EZdozit]

Hurt213,

I wouldn’t give her the old letter as I fear it would only push her away more. I believe this is in Sandi’s rules where she advises against showing spouse anything from the past (photos, letter, etc) and it could be construed as manipulation.

Right now she’s focused on the shiny new toy, and wants nothing to do old stuff. (You)

Keep your focus on you and you’re kids!

[SteveLW]

Hurt, just caught up on your sitch. Sorry man, i know it is tough. When my WW (and I think your W is a WW) started lying, considering she'd always abhorred it, it was really tough.

Here is the thing. You can't believe ANYTHING she says. Positive or negative. The happiness at your winning the tournament. The nice things she does (only trust half of her actions!). The nickname calling in correspondence. Yes some of it might be guilt. However, a lot of it is probably manipulation attempts. Since she is so open about her relationship with OM.

I know you are looking for help. Here is how I would approach it.

Continue to detach. Please stop reading 10 year old letters. It doesn't help. I remember purposely, early on in my sitch, pulling out a poem she wrote me when we first got together. It really set me back in my detachment. sandi's rules say that the girl you married is gone! The point is that no matter what you shared before, how she felt before, how pious she was before, how moral she was before, she isn't that anymore. You are dealing with a completely different creature.

Continue to 180 on any behavior that contributed to your sitch. NOTE, this doesn't mean any of this is YOUR fault. There is plenty of fault to go around for both of you. However, SHE is the one that stepped out of the MR, and you are the one trying to work on it. So remember that. Recognize your poor prior behavior, fix it, but move on. Don't dwell on the "I was so bad" aspect of things. You can promise tomorrow, but you can't buy back yesterday (to borrow from Bon Jovi).

Keep GAL. Sounds like golf is a great escape for you. New rule: When you are out GAL do not visit this calendar app. That set you back during the tournament. Learn from that and grow. If the calendar app sends notifications, turn them off. You can always check it after GAL.

" In the kitchen I found a note she made of things needed to be done, before the real estate broker gets her on saturday - she had already done some of the things (cleaning out some closets)." DO NONE OF THESE THINGS YOURSELF. This is her endeavor, make her do the dirty work. So many LBSs think that if they "play along" it will make their WAS/WS reconsider. It won't. In fact, the thing that will make he reconsider is if she feels like it is all on her to do the dirty work of leaving. Don't let nice guy tendencies get in the way here. You want to command respect from her, it starts with not lifting a finger to help her leave you. Doesn't mean you actively try to prevent it, just that you don't help it.

And finally, on respect. People do not give respect, you demand it. When she starts to behave disrespectfully you walk away. "Sorry, I will not tolerate being treated this way." Said calmly, but firmly. Then just walk away. It will take a few times, but you need to be consistent.

Hurt, also part of the problem is you are still too interested in what she is doing. Digging through the trash (yes I know you said she tossed a document you needed.....but did you really need it? Or was it an excuse to dig through the trash to see what she tossed?), checking out her clothes on the bed, etc.....those are things LBSs do that set them back. You have to fake it until you make it. The first few times I wanted to snoop on my W but didn't allow myself too was tough. It was very difficult. But then it got to the point where I just didn't care anymore to check. Work on that. Ask yourself, would a man that commands respect dig through the trash? Would he check out her OM's clothes?

Finally, for the utmost in taking back respect....kick her out of the MBR. Next time she is out, whether with OM or not, gather all of her things and move them to another room. When she protests you firmly tell her: "I refuse to share the marital bedroom with a lying cheater." And then end the conversation. No matter how angry or mad she gets. She will get angry and mad....but she will also respect you. So do this at your next convenient opportunity.