The consensus is no matter how I try to justify my desire for a purely physical R, it's a bad idea. Even if I am upfront about it to her it sounds terrible, yes? I'm not doing it for W jealousy. I'm not doing it as a revenge affair. Just for sexual pleasure. No misunderstanding there.
Well if you don't care anything about the other woman's feelings, then maybe you should consider a professional. Otherwise, you run the risk of hurting a woman..…..and yes, EVEN if you make your intent very clear. Whenever you are physically intimate with another person, what guarantee do you have that they won't have feelings for you? None! Even if you find some woman who cares for nothing but getting laid. Both adults should be responsible for facing any consequences attached to that sexual encounter...….but too many adults aren't. One gets pregnant, or one gets a STD, or one falls in love, or one has a crazy ex...…..or one turns out of be some nut case like in "Fatal Attraction"! Michael Douglas's character was just wanting sexual pleasure, and he thought the woman was on the same page. He wasn't counting on things turning like they did.
Look, it's not that I can't empathize with you. I'm not trying to sound preachy. I just want you to consider the risks involved. There are some guys who will tell you to go for it, and that it will give you sexual confidence. I'm saying to be smart. And whether you pay for it or find some woman who wants sex with no strings attached...….for gosh sakes USE PROTECTION!!!
Last edited by sandi2; 10/25/1810:27 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well if you don't care anything about the other woman's feelings, then maybe you should consider a professional. Otherwise, you run the risk of hurting a woman..…..and yes, EVEN if you make your intent very clear. Whenever you are physically intimate with another person, what guarantee do you have that they won't have feelings for you? None! Even if you find some woman who cares for nothing but getting laid. Both adults should be responsible for facing any consequences attached to that sexual encounter...….but too many adults aren't. One gets pregnant, or one gets a STD, or one falls in love, or one has a crazy ex...…..or one turns out of be some nut case like in "Fatal Attraction"! Michael Douglas's character was just wanting sexual pleasure, and he thought the woman was on the same page. He wasn't counting on things turning like they did.
Look, it's not that I can't empathize with you. I'm not trying to sound preachy. I just want you to consider the risks involved. There are some guys who will tell you to go for it, and that it will give you sexual confidence. I'm saying to be smart. And whether you pay for it or find some woman who wants sex with no strings attached...….for gosh sakes USE PROTECTION!!!
Sandi, I knew what I was going to get from you when I reached out to you. I wanted this, expected this, and got this.
This week and my reaction/outbursts are a case where I have my emotions taking over my logic. I have been able to keep it mostly in control the last three-ish months before I succumbed to it last weekend. I am a mess of emotion right now and very desperate and hopeless, especially when it comes to my future regarding sex and relationships. It's why I came here and asked that very question to all of you. I knew what the answer was going to be. And I knew I was not going to like it and get what amounts a (lovingly) hard slap to my face. I'm not hurt. I'm not offended. I harbor no ill feelings. I need to be the better man. For my sake and for D4's sake. And you are helping me be that man.
And in addition, I just want to say, and I mean this:
I love you all. I hope you know that you're saving my life by guiding me through what is without question the darkest journey in my life.
One more thing...I will care about the other person's feelings. Even though I say it's not going to hurt when it's over, it's a lie. It's definitely going to hurt.
Started to feel better after my post of being grateful to all of you. I felt some warmth and comfort coursing through me. I started to smile more and crack jokes at work. I went to the gym and lifted, shopped for some groceries, and am now finishing a work project.
W texted me three times and called just now. I did not answer. I'm GAL.
I also want to reflect back a few days ago when during the heated diatribe between W and I and just came to epiphany - I made her crack. I made her lose it.
I f*cked it up by getting what was arguably bad advice from my MC and then telling W about it and whatnot, giving her back some of the ball-tightening power back...but I was able to swing and connect.
I feel like I rebounded quicker than usual after this most recent crash. I am not feeling as much pain reflecting on W's sex emails to OM right now.
Good! I would just not talk to your W if it's causing so much pain. My priest told me this: unless she is wanting to work on the marriage, what is there to talk about? I was in a similar position and talking to my W just drove me crazy. So I stopped talking to her. I felt better.
That's how breakups go. The longer you keep talking, seeing each other, and drawing it out the harder it is to let go.
Set that schedule for your daughter and then you don't need to talk to W.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Good! I would just not talk to your W if it's causing so much pain. My priest told me this: unless she is wanting to work on the marriage, what is there to talk about? I was in a similar position and talking to my W just drove me crazy. So I stopped talking to her. I felt better.
That's how breakups go. The longer you keep talking, seeing each other, and drawing it out the harder it is to let go.
Set that schedule for your daughter and then you don't need to talk to W.
She is sensing that I am detaching and she is (albeit very slowly) starting to "get concerned" and that I should just chat like we "used to".
I still have no regrets going back to my house. She feels uncomfortable, she can get out. Call it an in-house S, call it whatever. I deserve my bed.
Feeling good. Much better than this point last Monday. A fairly significant shift in our sitch. It's nothing to write home about, but it is of note.
To recap:
Friday evening I was talking to my dad who got into his verbal abusive characteristics (trashing my mom), to which I shut down. Told him I did not call him to drag mom's name in the mud. This whole call was about me. Leave mom out of it. W asked me if I made it home. I did not respond. I drove home and spent some time with D4 and W's mom. For the first time in a long time I actually talked to W's mom about our challenges, the depression we faced, and how hard it's been for us. We reassured each other that things will work out for the better. I told her I'm starting to see things turn around already. We went inside and both W's mom and D4 went to sleep. I get a call about 20 minutes after they went to bed. I ignored it. It was way past D4's bedtime. She texts me that she was "trying to catch me and if D4 is ok". I ignore it. Just as I was going to my shower (I love long hot showers) I overhead W's mom talking to W. I hear W's mom telling W that "he is in his bedroom doing something". I also assumed that since D4 and W's mom are co-sleeping that W's mom told W that D4 is ok so I had no need to respond. So I continued about my night. I showered, and said my night prayers. She texts "hello?" and then tries to call me. Ok...I pick up. She seems "relieved" that I picked up. Asked me if everything was ok. I said "yes". She said she was trying to call me to check on D4. I said I heard W talking to W's mom and I assumed that W would have asked W's mom about D4 so I did not need to call. She said that is weird and still wants to go through me to talk...I said..."uh...ok...still do not understand it". She then tried to make small talk, I just told her "yes. Uh huh" and told her that I'm pretty tired and need to go to bed. End call.
Call at 7am the next morning. I ignored it (Phone was on night DND mode to it goes to VM). She asked me if I was on the other line. Again, I ignored it. W calls W's mom about what's going on with me. I don't hear anything. W's mom just sounded irritated that W called her and woke her up. I leave the house. I get W's call AGAIN. Ok...I figure I should let her know that I am ok and that I was GAL by myself before I spend the day with D4. So I pick up. She asked me repeatedly if I am ok. I repeatedly say "I'm great'. Makes small talk and told me about the party she went to where our friends were. Told me that they are all "miss me very much". I said "ok". She said they really want to hang out with me and felt weird that when W was there I was not there. I said that they want to get a hold of me to make plans, they can get a hold of me themselves. I was ready to end the call, but she kept me on the line. Started to talk a little about her moods and feelings and asked me how I was feeling. I validated. She kept asking me that this felt weird and asked me what was wrong. I said "wonderful. Life if great". She said I sounded manic. I said "no. I'm feeling great." She kept me on the line for almost 30 minutes. The longest we have casually talked. I wanted to end the call numerous times.
Had my DB coach session. Coach was happy for me that I'm standing up for myself. Picked up D4 and took her to breakfast. W texted and asked where we were going. I said that we were going to the coffee shop near our house. She said she can meet us there. Sure. Went there and had coffee and chatted for another 20 minutes. Again, I did not ask her to do any of this.
The rest of the day I spend with D4, shooting pictures, shopping, etc. W asked me how D4 and picture taking was. I answered "great!". No response for the rest of the day until that evening she called around D4's bedtime. I let D4 answer and D4 talk to her. When D4 was done, she hung up the call.
Two or three hours later she texted me three times in the course of an hour to "check how D4 was and if she went to bed with no problems." I finally replied that she went down with no troubles. End Saturday.
Yesterday, I got ready for another busy morning with D4. Went to get some groceries and W called. I let it go to voicemail. She left a message telling me that our friends wanted to see D4 at lunch. So I made plans to drop D4 off and go about my day. W called around lunch and started to talk about her work sitch. I listened and dropped off D4 with W and her friend. Friend asked me to stay for lunch, I said I had to go do other things. Went home and...cried. Got myself together and finished getting slow cooker food going. Left for a few hours. W called and asked me if I was going shopping. I said no (figured she can shop for her own food). Went home, W asked me to clean some of the house, I agreed. Went to my bedroom, prayed, showered, and went to sleep. Think W knocked on my bedroom door and opened it and saw that I was asleep.
