Hey ballast, just checking in with your update, sorry that things continue to be a challenge. You seem to be firmly in an "anger" phase and there is nothing wrong with that. Feel all of it and process it. Hopefully your settlement agreement is acceptable and was reached without too much angst!
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
It's interesting to me that my writing to you still conveys an angry phase. To me, I simply don't feel that way. The agreement is fine, as fine as something can be that I never really wanted. It is fair to both of us and there's not been any real angst in agreeing to it's particulars.
For me, I've been living free and detached of wondering about her dealings for a long time now. There is for a me a huge sadness in the reality that we've come to this, W never had a single interest in saving us and the impact it will have on our D. I'd say disbelief is the other emotion besides sadness. I guess this chapter of life will close and I'll never really know why or how she could just bail out. Again truly don't feel anger over this. I do feel given how W has been, I've completed closed myself down to her in the future beyond the requirements for D's well being.
Maybe I'm just compartmentalizing what I can't explain. I feel like I'm doing good all things considered. Just time to put this to bed and move on. It's all I've really had available to me since she BD'd me. Just have to hope the future is better than the present and God help me to not look back on the past.
b, I know your sitch has been trying. My only caution is if you are angry, not to hold it in. Let it out. Running from our emotions will not allow us to move forward.
Also, be careful about being definitive. As long as you are open to R there is always a chance. Yes she has shown no interest in it. Doesn't mean she won't. Maybe not now. Maybe not a year from now. Maybe not 3 years from now. But at some point in the future she may. If and when it happens you will get to choose whether or not you allow it or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Meanwhile you should focus on yourself and learn to enjoy the freedom. Transform that energy that comes from anger. Live the present, moving forward B. No expectations, no anxieties.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
now i know i should be/could be, but i'm not. sad/disappointed/amazed, yep all those. living my life/doing ok/working out/not thinking about her, yep all those too. i think the biggest single reason why i've been able to transition like i have is that she has given me absolutely not one single, teeny iota of any communication/hope/etc. perhaps the most self empowering, realization of my progress is that i simply don't care what happens to her anymore. when i was talking with my ic last week and we got into "i don't like this", "i don't like that" about what W has decided, the ic was quick to remind me that i do very much love her. bottom line is "what can i do?" and the answer is nothing. for sure i spent months crying/praying over her leaving. presently the only thing that gets me now is leaving my D. i shed no tears over W. i've definitely not run from my emotions steve. as much as i would actually like to do so, it's inherent in who i am as a person that if/when the emotions come, they get let out.
as for definitive, i've read about keeping the road home smooth. well if i were angry i would be busy destroying said road with text/calls/emails. instead rather i'm just removing the road. possibly it has already occurred that there has been an OM since myself. if that's the case then in the chronology of her heart i can never be paramount there again. to me rightly or wrongly, D has always meant finality/the end. i should have corrected that to be if there was an OM after me. as i've said before i pray God she never comes back because if she were to do so, the conflict in me between the love i have for her and our family vs my being superceded by OM in her heart...forgiveness is something that is inherent in being a Christian. i know i must give that to her, but forgiving her without admitting her back into my life is quite something different than forgiving her back into my heart. perhaps God will make that my fate one day, but i don't see that coming to fruition and i think i'd fear the pain of that far greater than the BD/D of the present.
so not sure if this is a rant or even a vent...more like a stream of thought let's say.
paperwork with W is moving along such that at some point real "action" on D is likely. on that i'm basically just introspective along the lines of "i can't believe it's come to that". now i'm not itching to contact or pursuit or anything like that and W's doing whatever she's doing and i'm not concerned with whatever that is. teared up a bit this AM when a song came on. i know the love i had for her is still within me and that hurts given where our sitch is. i just remind myself this was her decision to walkaway and so i must move along the best i can for myself and D.
bigger thought the last few days is that i feel myself giving up on women/relationships. i've talked about this in the past. it's not a anger based sentiment to be clear, just more of a continued assessment of who i am, much that i've read, the 80% divorces filed by women and my soon to be twice D'd status. in one of Sandi's recent posts she says "The problem with a soft hearted, tender natured guy is that she is going to take his b@lls away." now i know i didn't try to do all of the NGS stuff, but soft hearted, tender natured guy...yep that's me. bottom line the more i reflect on women/relationships, the more i feel like i'm not cut out to be with a lady long term. not through lack of desire, but simply put i don't feel at all like i'm what they want or even if i tried to be the way they want, i'd slip up/get lazy and they'd bolt. besides that sometime in the next few months i'll be twice D'd. the thought of ever buying a 3rd ring...let's just say i'm not feeling like God wants me going down that path again. i know this may sound pity party-ish, but it's not meant to be. it's a lucid self-examination of my reality and how i feel that i'm incapable as a guy at figuring out the way to long term success with another lady. perhaps i'm just much better off, emotionally and physically to remove myself from the equation lest i become another statistic down the road failing a 3rd time. when you see things from my aperture the possibility of a future relationship...
sorry folks i'm just reflecting alot. i know time will change things, life will bring new chapters to me and i know from much of Stander's and ACC's comments, there's a possible better life waiting ahead. i know perhaps clearing/closing this chapter is required and i'm doing good non-women/relationship thought wise. a big part of me just feels like pulling the plug on the idea of future companionship. my ic was saying how she believes 30 year marriages will be the exception not the rule for modern relationships. women may have their needs change every 10-15 years, but as a man i can't emotionally/financially handle 5-6 divorces throughout a lifetime to match that possible no 30 year marriage reality.
just in an uncertain place with my feelings for the past and my future. i wish all of you prayers and the best in your sitches as this new week begins.
Congrats on getting this far. You have come a long way and I appreciate sharing the journey with you.
It's clear that you are very self-reflective about your own actions in the MR and how your personality traits may have contributed to problems (though you are 100% correct that ultimately the decision to leave is on her.) I think that type of reflection and questioning is extremely valuable since it forces you to question not only your actions but your values. Most people are loathe to do this type of hard introspective work because it isn't pleasant and can be quite painful, but our sitches have put us in a place where we need to do it. That is the silver lining in this sh@t-storm.
I think you may be smart to listen to yourself and take a break from relationships for a while. That might be your body or psyche asking for time off to recuperate and heal itself from the pain. It sounds wise to me. However, I don't know that forever closing yourself off to those possibilities is really necessary. It's hard to know how any of us will feel in a year or 5 or 10. I think being open to possibilities, even unforeseen ones, is a better road to take.
You end by saying that you are in an uncertain place with your feelings. I think that is crucial. Learning to live in uncertainty is absolutely terrifying, but ultimately liberating. It is only in uncertainty that there is the space for growth and change. Most of us had a fixed vision of what our life was going to look like with our spouses and families and that was comforting, but also most likely false. We could never control the future, never control how our spouses felt for us. It was only an illusion that we clung to. Now it has been ripped away from us, and we are forced to confront the truth, which is uncertainty. We can run from it, or deny it, or distract ourselves with drugs, booze, internet, women, men, or whatever, OR we can embrace it. Brene Brown's Daring Greatly touches a lot on this topic and spoke to me, as does The Subtle of Art of Not Giving a F#$k which I am currently rereading.
Good luck, and stay in touch.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Here's the thing ballast, you don't have to decide any of this now. You don't have to decide to give up on relationships, you can just "live" and see what happens along the way. If you're happy then keep doing what you're doing. If something is missing, then make a change.
I wouldn't get hung up on the "80% of divorces initiated by women" thing (and I think its 70%). Stereotypically men are more likely to hang in and tolerate a bad relationship than women are, so the fact that women pull the trigger more frequently doesn't really mean anything. If you have two unhappy people who cares who leaves first?
You also don't ever have to buy a ring again -- you can have a lifelong relationship and not get married, that's a fine choice.
I think the key question to understand is why you have chosen the partners you've chosen? What did they mean to you? What were they bringing to the relationship that you needed?
If you had to work hard for your parents' approval, people tend to chose partners that make them also work hard for approval. Those tend not to be really healthy relationships, so what do you need to do to feel satisfied with a partner who does NOT make you work hard for their approval? (I'm not saying this is your case, only an example)
There is "some dynamic" going on that hasn't worked for you twice, but this is much more about why you're choosing who you're choosing than really anything to do with them, or worse yet a generalization about "all women".
When you figure yourself out to that degree, then you'll have a path to a healthy relationship you can feel confident in if you decide you want one. If you don't do the work and figure it out, then yes, there's a decent chance the pattern will continue to repeat. It's not easy.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
bigger thought the last few days is that i feel myself giving up on women/relationships
Soooo temporary. This will change, I promise you. I've been there. I know that feeling. For me, just getting out more and interacting with the opposite sex really changed that. I saw hope, my feelings changed quick. I knew I'd be alright. I even felt a little excitement wondering about these women.
You have some good advice already, but this just stood out to me. I had to say something!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
B, I know you've expressed this kind of thinking before.
You've been married twice. Been cheated on and left twice, right?
So, here are the possibilities:
1) There is something flawed about you that attracts or elicits this behavior from women. Therefore, unless you get to the root of the issue you will be doomed to repeat it again.
2) You were at fault in one, but just had a flawed partner in the other. Maybe you were at fault in marriage 1, but fixed that and just married poorly (or she changed drastically as she approached 40). Therefore this isn't a pattern, and you would be basing your "I am flawed" belief on a fallacy and missing out on a great future relationship at some point in the future.
3) You were innocent in both and both times just married women that secretly were lying cheaters that were going to break your heart no matter what you did. Again, if this is the case then you would be basing not trying again on a fallacy.
Now whether it is 1-3, it is always in your power to choose to never try again. However, if it is 2 or 3, and you only being 34 I think that would be a shame. There are many ladies out there that aren't liars and cheaters. Yes 80% of all Ds are started by women. However, maybe half of those involve them just flaking out and leaving a healthy relationship. The other half are because their husband is a cheater. Or a liar. Or an abuser. So you'd be basing the other part of your assumption on 50% of 80% of 50% of all marriages. If you do that math then you are basing your assumption on 20% of all marriages (I believe that is right, since 50% of 80% would be 40%, and 40% of 50% would be 20%).
So the numbers don't seem as dubious once you start peeling back the onion. Even if I was off by 10% of the 80% it still is only 24% of all marriages! That leaves the odds, especially in your case, of finding happiness, assuming it isn't #1 above, in a future marriage much higher than you think.
Sorry, I am a math major. LOL So I didn't want you to think that 80% was really 80%.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
