If thats the case, then i dont see any problems. From experience, i know that WW will attack you for no reason at all. Walking away is the right thing to do, i do it every other day. Just dont let her bait you BM, its exactly what they want.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
So, this past weekend I did a bad thing. I was kind of sick, and just not thinking clearly. S was at his grandparents for the weekend, and so I had way too much free time on my hands (and being sick, GAL wasn't much of an option).
So I texted W.
I know. I'm dumb.
I basically said: "We need to finish the D."
W: Seriously, what possessed you to send me this?
M: I'm having a rough morning knowing that you probably had a great night last night, probably with OM, and FB memories reminded me of when you lived in (town) and cheated on me when we were dating. You said you wanted to redo mediation and would do counseling, but haven't even tried to make that a thing. I don't want to fight, but I felt like you should know that I really hoped you would actually want to fix things. I guess you aren't ready. I'm sorry I gave you my life. It's bothered me all weekend that in our argument last week when I mentioned OM all you could say was "why are you bringing him up". It's because I don't believe you planned to stop seeing him.
W: OM is in (other town) this weekend as far as I know.
M: You said you would never talk to him again, so the fact that you know that seems like you lied to me again.
W: My biggest concern is that I'm still feeling texts like this 9 months later. I left social media so I could have privacy, You tell me I'm acting ridiculous when I'm nervous and anxious around you.
M: You attacked me verbally in my apartment, then when you got outside you made it sound to the neighbors like I attacked you. The owner of the house next door called my landlord. My biggest concern is S. We can tell him we split because of fighting, but we fight more now. And when he gets older, he's going to know what's what. Are you okay with him knowing what you've done? Because one day, he will. He doesn't understand a lot now, and he shouldn't have to. But one day he'll be wise enough to know. I wanted a family, so did S. You took that from both of us. And knowing that I wanted to save us, you played games. So how do you propose we fix this? Are you planning on just staying separated, or did you want to work on things for S?
W: *silence*
M: Once the D is dismissed, I'm selling my old car then refiling. We already have a signed MSA, so we can skip mediation. I can get the decree up front and get it over with. After that, I may move. I don't want to see things that remind me of you anymore. And I don't want S around sketchy people. We can't teach him that lying is wrong if you insist on lying all of the time. If OM is more important to you than I am, fine. If he's more important than S, we have a problem. I'm glad you found a keeper, I hope you two have a really happy and fulfilling life together. But S will NOT be a part of OM's life. Hell, OM said himself he wasn't serious about you when he talked to me, so it's clear you either do not understand R or you can't handle that you put yourself before S's LONG TERM wellbeing. Or maybe you're just toxically codependent and I wasn't able to give you the attention you wanted. Sorry that I couldn't get you to stay home with S and I and have a real relationship. Anyway...I'm done playing by your rules. The D will happen and S and I will be better off without all of the lying, hurt, and manipulation you use against us. And to be 100% clear, I'm not making threats. This is the plan, and I am going to proceed with it. As they say, "them's the breaks". So when S is 16 you can tell him we fought a lot. I can show him the messages from you, and that way he'll get both sides. I wish you had more sense. I'm sorry life isn't what you expected and I'm truly, truly sorry that our love wasn't enough for you to want to cultivate it. And I'm sorry that you didn't feel that S's long term feelings were important enough for you to be honest.
*** And this is the part where she gets quiet until she brings S back to my house...and is polite, and very...almost submissive...? It's weird. It's like a bomb went off...
She texted me again later: I'll need $x for the copay for S.
Me: *silence*
W: Does S have a costume? What's your plan for halloween?
Me: *silence*
W: Hey! Apparently S has an appt in (other town) tomorrow, I'm off work, so I can take him but I NEED help with the copay. Please respond. I'm tired of being ignored when I tell you I need help with his medical or childcare.
Me: *silence*
See, the thing is that I have custody, and she doesn't help really. She's paying the day care because since she derailed the D, I can't get child support set up.
And I don't ask her for anything.
I can't get off work tomorrow, nor can I afford to miss anyway. So I may let her take him, but our agreement is that I'll pay half of the stuff that insurance doesn't cover (I'm paying for his insurance).
Essentially, I know I shouldn't have texted, but I'm tired of dealing with her bs, and I need her to know that I'm absolutely willing to handle life without her.
Yikes BM. If your goal was to push her further away, you have likely succeeded. You just confirmed all the bad stuff she may have been thinking about you and set yourself up for a hostile divorce. Perfectly fine if that is really what you want. But there was a lot of anger in your texts which tells me there is also a lot of hurt. Best not to make any big decisions or send any messages when you are feeling that way. I get that you are upset and feeling impatient and that she has all the power so you are trying to take some back. I totally get that. I have felt those feelings myself. I have also felt really strong and positive. This is TRULY a rollercoaster ride we are on.
My advice to you would be to take some more time to reflect on yourself and changes you can make for you and S. Please, please, please try to keep S out of all of this. I know it is really difficult but you have to try as hard as you can - for his sake. Do not force him to pick a side. Kids need both their parents and if you set him up to pick sides (by giving him too much info or arguing in front of him), any time spent with the other parent will cause him all kinds of emotional pain. So please take him out of the equation as much as possible and don't bring him up to your W as a partner in your plan. If you meant to scare her, you probably did. But do you want her to come back because she is scared? No, if you were to reconcile in any real way, it would need to be because you BOTH want to for the right reasons.
Lastly...stop asking about and focusing on OM. Sounds like he is not as big of a focus for her and he is for you. He is not the problem. He is a symptom of the problem. I get that it is hard and I know what kind of feelings it brings up when you play made-up movies in your head [and yes, those are made up by you]. Press "stop" when those come up. You are only torturing yourself needlessly.
If you have decided you are moving on, great. Try to do it with acceptance and love and peace. Your S will be better off and you will ensure you have not closed any doors permanently. Life is long (we hope) and you never know what it has in store.
DejaVu...the D was supposed to already be over with, but she decided to dismiss it because she gave me custody...willingly...and then decided that's not what she wanted. I would recommend reading some of the back story...this started in February, and she's been absolutely off since.
The reason OM matters is because he's part of the reason she agreed that I should have custody. He raises (illegally) dangerous animals, and W had been letting S stay overnight at his place in violation of court orders saying she couldn't do that.
I did the acceptance, love, peace, etc. She would take that as license to do whatever she wanted. So now I'm sending the message that I will not be her emotional slave. THIS is my 180. And honestly, it works far better to stand up than to be passive in my sitch.
W is actually exhibiting some pretty bizarre behavior since leaving. There isn't one OM, there have been MULTIPLE since Feb (at least 4 confirmed, but she does say there have been more, also OW).
She's gone off the deep end, ignored court orders, slandered me, and used S as a weapon. And now that he's with me...it's no longer a case of "broken-hearted ex"...it's "p*ssed off dad". Things are very, very different than they were months ago.
It's not that I don't love her. It's not that I don't want her to come to her senses. It's that I'm a dad first, and I WILL do whatever it takes to make sure S isn't screwed up for life, even if that means being harsh when needed with W. She's no longer a partner dealing with some issues, she's more like the threat to S's wellbeing at this point.
Last edited by blakmac; 10/29/1804:34 PM. Reason: Forgot something.
"Essentially, I know I shouldn't have texted, but I'm tired of dealing with her bs, and I need her to know that I'm absolutely willing to handle life without her. "
That's not what I heard. What I heard was:
"You hurt me. You are hurting S. I want to control you post D, so I will not allow S to be around OM (and potentially any OM in the future). Unless you want to drop OM, work on the marriage, I am going to push forward with this D as mediation agreement says."
Pressure. Pursuit. Blame. Threats. (I know you claimed you weren't threatening her but it sure sounded like it.)
BM, here is the deal. You need to forget OM. A very big part of your motivation for all this, in my eyes, came from this:
"I'm having a rough morning knowing that you probably had a great night last night, probably with OM, and FB memories reminded me of when you lived in (town) and cheated on me when we were dating."
After that everything else you said was colored by the fact that you were "having a rough morning", were "jealous of her and OM", and that you are still hurt that she "cheated on you when you were dating". Even if your motivations were pure at wanting S3 safe, and secure, it was undermined by this foundation.
Also, you later used S3 to try to manipulate her: " After that, I may move. I don't want to see things that remind me of you anymore. And I don't want S around sketchy people. We can't teach him that lying is wrong if you insist on lying all of the time. If OM is more important to you than I am, fine. If he's more important than S, we have a problem. I'm glad you found a keeper, I hope you two have a really happy and fulfilling life together. But S will NOT be a part of OM's life. Hell, OM said himself he wasn't serious about you when he talked to me, so it's clear you either do not understand R or you can't handle that you put yourself before S's LONG TERM wellbeing. Or maybe you're just toxically codependent and I wasn't able to give you the attention you wanted. Sorry that I couldn't get you to stay home with S and I and have a real relationship. Anyway...I'm done playing by your rules. The D will happen and S and I will be better off without all of the lying, hurt, and manipulation you use against us. And to be 100% clear, I'm not making threats. This is the plan, and I am going to proceed with it. As they say, "them's the breaks". So when S is 16 you can tell him we fought a lot. I can show him the messages from you, and that way he'll get both sides. I wish you had more sense."
WOW.
I am a little surprised BM because for the last few months you seemed like you had done some really good detaching, and moving forward. Though the confronting of OM was a red flag. My guess is that you are hoping the D will "wake her up". You still seem to have way too many expectations.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
it really wasn't DB'ing. Lol, not at all actually. But you made a tough decision. You're ready to move on, so you're moving on. I think W is scared of that. I don't know what that means for your sitch. Just know that you set a plan and got some stuff off your chest. Now, that's it. Don't revisit, don't keep trashing her even though she is "in the wrong". Move forward. Choose a happy, healthy life for you and your son.
With all the of the OM/OW in this sitch, moving forward strongly like this is the best course of action. You are taking control of your life. Now let her go and don't worry about her craziness.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
In a way, you're right. Where we disagree is that I'm not trying to tell her these things to control anything. I'm saying this because she thinks I still need her to handle my life. She keeps telling me to ask her for help with S, and I keep not asking.
I don't want to control her. I want her to give me a break. I don't want her to keep trying to lead me on anymore, I don't want her to find random things to be angry about just to have something to blame me for...I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally.
Where it gets understandably blurry is where OM and S are involved...and I get that. She insists there's nothing wrong with her court order rule-breaking, and she's shown she has no intention of stopping (even if she admits it's better for S, which she does). She not only expects, but DEMANDS that I be passive. In fact, she even said this week she liked it better when I was just ignoring her A and playing along nicely with what she wants.
I'm not her pawn. I'm not the second choice.
And I'm no longer part of her game plan.
Hoping she wakes up, to me, is not the same thing as trying to wake her up. That's her problem.
Yes, I still hurt, but not nearly as much as I used to. After a while, being told "I'm not trying to hurt you, but I'm going to keep doing the exact thing that hurts you...openly...and get S involved with OM's life/family, not invite you to S's bday party, then demand you do what I say" feels really, really bad. So I'm done with it.
I don't want to R right now, to be honest. I just want a break. I want peace. I want to stop being used, lied to, manipulated, blamed, and slandered.
S changed his questions. He's no longer asking "why do I have two houses". The other night he asked "why doesn't mommy want to live with you?" Last night, it was "why doesn't mommy like you anymore?"
I'm not trying to push her away. She ran. I'm trying to walk away with some dignity.
BM, here is the thing. Everything you state in your response......isn't going to be accomplished through text messaging her! You have to show her.
You say "I don't want to control her. I want her to give me a break. I don't want her to keep trying to lead me on anymore, I don't want her to find random things to be angry about just to have something to blame me for...I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally." But that again is focusing on trying to fix and change her.
So what are you going to do to show her "I'm not her pawn. I'm not the second choice."? What are you going to do to show her that "And I'm no longer part of her game plan."??
And then back to focusing on her behavior: " don't want to R right now, to be honest. I just want a break. I want peace. I want to stop being used, lied to, manipulated, blamed, and slandered."
She is going to keep trying to use you. And to lie to you. And to manipulate you. And to blame you. And to slander you. There is NOTHING you can do to get her to stop those things!! So how are you going to SHOW her you won't put up with it anymore?
Let's focus on BM, the ONE thing you can control. Personally I do not think you will be able to move on properly working at the same company as her. So are you looking for a new job? That is something within your control! What about moving the D forward? So far a lot of talk and a lot of excuses. ("I can't afford a lawyer." "I don't know where the forms are." Stop making excuses and DO IT.
"S changed his questions. He's no longer asking "why do I have two houses". The other night he asked "why doesn't mommy want to live with you?" Last night, it was "why doesn't mommy like you anymore?""
Okay, so how are you handling those questions? Are you keeping the answers focused on him? "We both love you very much!" "We are both going to be there for you no matter what!" Etc?
"I'm not trying to push her away. She ran. I'm trying to walk away with some dignity."
GREAT! So what is your plan for keeping you dignity?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She is going to keep trying to use you. And to lie to you. And to manipulate you. And to blame you. And to slander you. There is NOTHING you can do to get her to stop those things!! So how are you going to SHOW her you won't put up with it anymore?
By following through with exactly what I told her I was going to do...finish the D. Hence selling the old car...I can't hire proper representation, but I CAN have then draw up and submit the docs so that I can walk into court with the decree in hand, get it signed, and then go on about my life.
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Stop making excuses and DO IT.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
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Okay, so how are you handling those questions? Are you keeping the answers focused on him? "We both love you very much!" "We are both going to be there for you no matter what!" Etc?
Yes. In fact, that's exactly what I've been doing.
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GREAT! So what is your plan for keeping you dignity?
I'm moving forward in my life. And I'm not asking permission.
