BM, thanks. I'm far from always being right so I respect your need to adapt. I'll always call it like I see it but as we say we can't know all the details you do. So you have to do what you believe is right.
I am worried about this latest development though. Does that mean the mediation agreement is null and void? That would be a shame. It is so rarely that LBHs get full custody.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W brought S home from his appointment this evening. I had the landlords on standby because of last time she was here. The exchange went smoothly, and we ended up laughing at something...I don't remember what though. She had to come back a little later to bring his halloween costume, so we had a minute to talk.
After she told me about her day, work, etc., she paused and then said "Why did you apologize to me?"
I told her "because I felt like my attitude was bad, It didn't feel right how I texted you."
She said "What's the real reason?"
Me: "...that is the real reason."
Then she decided it was bs and started to get snippy with me. She said that I need to listen to her and not ignore her, and started talking about the car insurance. She got in the car and drove off, after cutting me off from asking her to explain what she meant.
I sent her a pic I had taken of a sign about S's school's closings because she asked about them. I also said "The conversation was going well, but why ask why I apologized if you were just going to tell me what to do, cut me off, and not listen? It feels like you just got tired of being nice and wanted something to complain at me about.
W: I just wanted to know why you apologized. And I don't feel like I got an honest answer, so I got a little snippy.
M: That was an honest answer.
W: Sorry that I got snippy. Once I got irritated, I went into "avoid a fight" mode which usually involves cutting you off so that I can leave to avoid said fight.
M: But that makes fights...but I understand..
W: That's the difference between you and me. When I noticed myself starting to get irritated, I tried to leave the situation to cool down. You want to continue, which only antagonizes my irritation. I have always been the person to leave rather than to argue. You know this. Neither one of us get anywhere when we are arguing. We both lose. S loses.
M: I was being sincere. I don't like the way I handled things. I wasn't nice, and I was very rude. I know you like space when you get angry, and until the split, I tried to make sure you had it. Even if I just sat quietly. I still care about you (I KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT, BAD DB...SORRY) but I'm tired of feeling like I've been walked on. Even if that wasn't your intent, it's how it feels. For me, not talking things out has always bothered me. I've always been that way. I prefer quick resolution. I understand that we are different in that respect.
W: I'm not against talking things out, but the heat of the moment is not the time or place. No one wins. No one hears each other and the situation between you and I has escalated to the point that the moment I feel irritation towards you, I know that's my cue to leave. So when I leave, it's not to make you feel cut off or walked on, it's to save us from the fight about to happen. Have a good night.
A bit later she texted again to ask if I had weekend plans coming up, and if I would like for her to watch S. She's trying to work on her schedule to figure out which days she can see S.
Interesting. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. lol
Your W told you a lot in that text message exchange. IMO you seem to have to have the last word. You have a need to explain yourself.
Also, you used sending that picture as a way of communicating with your W. You just had to tell her how you feel. After you said "that was an honest answer", you could of/should of let it go, but you couldn't. Your W has a point, she gets a way from you to get space, you are smoothering when you conversate with her. You have to give her space and when she leaves, let her go. Don't use reason like, i had to send her a picture she asked for, as an excuse to get your point across.
You explain why you apologized, then got into a debate about how to argue. "You prefer quick resolution", there is no such things in these Sitches. You are going to have to learn how to practice patience. It's not about what you want anymore when dealing with your Sitch, it's what will work best, and if what you wanted work, you wouldn't be here.
Use and practice DB solutions. I don't like calling them techinques or strategies, because these are life changing/altering SOLUTIONS and should stick with you.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
IMO you seem to have to have the last word. You have a need to explain yourself.
Except I didn't.
After she said "have a good night", I stopped responding.
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Also, you used sending that picture as a way of communicating with your W.
Because in our conversation she asked me to send it to her, and I said that I would. It's that simple. It wasn't an "excuse", it was following through with something she asked me to do that would help schedule time for her with S.
You kind of misinterpreted that. And while I have been guilty of that before, this time it wasn't that way.
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You explain why you apologized, then got into a debate about how to argue.
Actually...and surprisingly...this wasn't an argument. It was civil discussion. I was expressing that I understand that we both resolve issues differently. This was NOT an argument. There was NO debate about "how to argue". It was: "I understand you feel that way. I feel this way. I can see we're different in that respect." That's not an argument, that's an observation.
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It's not about what you want anymore when dealing with your Sitch, it's what will work best, and if what you wanted work, you wouldn't be here.
I'm here because WW left me with zero answers and temporarily ruined my life. You are assuming a LOT about what I want now, because things have changed drastically since my first post.
It's not even about what I want anymore. It's about what S needs. And what I want is for S to be okay.
BM, be careful. Your STBXW has shown a penchant for manipulation. This could be another attempt to get the mediation agreement nullified.
Remember, believe nothing she says. And only half of what she does. Stay strong. Stay consistent. I see nothing so far to suggest you shouldn't continue on the path you were on two days ago. Get a lawyer. Get the D restarted. Enforce the mediation agreement.
You are at a dangerous point right now. Do not fall for the false bone she is going to throw you of hope. Your texting the last few days, to me, has shown her you are still too attached and open to manipulation attempts. Go back to ONLY answering direct questions. In as few words as possible. Texts sharing info do not need a response at all. Yes or no questions get a simple yes or no.
Don't dismiss Joe's perspective. Whether you see it or not, your STBXW certainly does.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
