Thank you all for your words of encouragement, advice, and support.
The weekend is over, and I am glad I can put it behind me. W took Friday off to do some packing, run errands, get bids on jobs at her new home (blinds, etc.). Called me at work to briefly have the talk about what to say to the kids. I told her I wanted to do it face to face. She said she didn't have time and was too busy. Besides she has been preparing for this for a long time and she is ready. So I asked her some tough questions she didn't have answers for. She got frustrated and I said we should be prepared we know how smart our oldest is. She didn't want to go into it and was getting angry as its obvious I am the bad guy. She said dont wait up tonight her and her sister were going tonight. I picked up the kids and we had a good night of pizza, movies, and fun. Wife came home right before midnight, woke me up, but was quick, rude and eager to get away from me without saying more than goodnight.
Saturday morning she was sick to her stomach either from food, booze, nerves or all of the above. After lunch she had finally showered and was feeling well enough to proceed. We sat them down and she told them very neutrally that we love them, it's not there fault, but mommy and daddy are divorcing. S3 didn't have any clue but he is only 3. D5 said she was sad and had questions. D8 started hysterically crying and screaming and shrieking. It was horrible as if she was being killed. The whole time I'm trying to stay composed but the tears are pouring out of my eyes. My W as much as a hardass she tried convincing me she would be was crying. D8 kept screaming no, don't do this, just plea after plea. Ran up to her room shrieked and wailed them came back down just sobbing. She started getting hysterical and hyperventilating. I couldn't get her to break and it took W a lot work to break it. After W mostly soothed and explained and I would quip in for clarification. D8 hugged mom for a nice long hug then sat in my arms for a good 10 min sobbing. I pretty much silently cried the whole time. After D8 said she was sad and wanted to be alone in her room. I was fine with that, but it really upset W so she went upstairs to talk to D8. W begged and pleaded to D8 to not be mad at her that she only just wants to be happy and have a happy life. D8 said she wasn't mad, but W wasn't listening as she kept saying she just wants to be happy. Before this point W discussed the we love you, it's not your fault details. After W was so cold and angry at me she wouldn't look or talk to me, and tried walking through me a couple of time. Wasn't happening when she tried so she stopped. Definitely felt like she was silently blaming me. W locked herself in the bathroom for about 20 to 30 min.
Later when it was time to GAL with D8 and S3, D8 said to me mommy is sinning (fyi.... kids go to a private Christian school). I asked D8 why. D8 said mommy wants to divorce you. I asked her what made her think that way. D8 said you were the one who was really sad and mommy just kept saying she wants to be happy. That sounds like mommy wants the divorce. I told her it was a complicated adult issue. She asked if I could tell her when she was 15, I said that sounded reasonable. D8 asked plenty of questions, much about logistics, but also things like daddy please never get married, why is mommy divorcing you, can you be friends, can I pretend your still married. It was tough.
That night W and I split out any bills. W was mad I wouldn't pay half for her new clothes, nights out on the town, etc. I said if she wasn't happy with it I could go spend 1k on clothes and she can owe me half. That stopped her. She is really worried because she is heavily overspent and will have to beg her parents for a loan. I just sympathized, but said I don't have as any advice to offer if that's what she wanted but I'm willing to listen to her. After the kids were told and we were finally financially separate it was a big relief for the both if us and she becsme really pleasant for a little bit. Me, W, and D8 helped W sort and separate master closet items and master bath items and W started packing.
Sunday I took both D5 and D8 to church. We sat with MIL, SIL her husband (BIL) and cousins. On the way there and home both Ds asked questions with D8 bringing up tough topics. They dont want stepparents, they wont listen to stepparents. Please dont remarry. Will SIL still be SIL will I still be an uncle to cousins. I said you will only have one mom and one dad that will never change. Again I have I am in no place to even consider marrying anyone. I will always be a brother to SIL as long as she wants me be. The cousins will always be your cousins so I will always be their uncle. W took both Ds to see her house. Me and S stayed home. After I took kids to my parents for the day so W could pack. However, the same with Friday & Saturday it doesn't look like W did much other than go shopping.
Tonight W was expressing concern about my parenting abilities. I took offense to it, but after listening I clarified with W I need to separate the fact that she is concerned, and my misguided belief that she is trying to tell me what to do, or how to do it. (Still feels like she is telling me how to parent) However, I told her I still felt hurt that she talks like she doesn't trust me when of the two of us the kids gave never been seriously hurt, harmed, or anything serious under my watch. Under her watch all 3 have been hurt or serious incidents. She said she no longer trusts my words only my actions. I said since you Bd me when has my actions and words not been the truth and showed how much I care. She said only for the kids. So I have an obvious 180 to work on with W going forward. However, her idea of action towards her is different than my idea. She probably thinks I would show her I cared if I drained every last dime I have and gave it to her as that is one thing she kept trying to get out of me, even though what she is ending up with is more than fair. Just feels like she is just trying to take and take even though I won't budge.
Just need to keep working on being the lighthouse for my W, being the rock for my kids, and being the best me I can be. I need to keep stamping out the inner fears and the dark thoughts. They just run me into a cheeseless maze and it's scary to see where they could lead. I am still feeling lost, but not that kind of lost. That kind of lost is the abyss.
Last edited by Twofeet; 10/29/1805:26 AM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Almost forgot, after we told the kids later that day D8 said when mommy told her she started having a heart attack and her heart was hurting. I said that sounds kind of like heartbreak and she asked for an explanation. After that she felt like it was both. Poor little girl, she doesn't deserve this. No child deserves this.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
TF, I struggle still almost 7 months since BD and telling S about separation. I found that getting an emotions chart with pictures can help with my S and cope with his feelings. He has so much anger towards W and I sometimes struggle in not showing my frustration towards her for putting him through this. Just be present with them...listen to them. Be the best dad you can be.
Your W sounds like mine did....all about her “happiness” and appearing clueless in thinking she’s doing any damage to s. She has said many times kids are resilient, it’s a fun adventure, etc. BS. He’s had 5 months of IC and he has regressed.
My S flew off the handle yesterday over something that was nonsense to stress about. Picked him up and hugged him for 15 min. Reassured him that I will always be there.
You are right...no child deserves this.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
TF, not going to lie, that was a rough read. I can't imagine (I actually I had to stop mid-sentence writing this to fight back tears) how tough that must have been, and I deeply feel for you. I think you handled it brilliantly. I really wish I could just take you out to do some fun things and get your mind off everything! That's what I would do for a friend. Just know that we are here for you, to listen and support.
Now to your WAW/WW. Wow, what a complete fog her head is in. Wants you to pay 1/2 of her clothes and nights out!?! That enrages me. "I don't want you to be my husband anymore, but I want you to provide for me like a husband would." This tells me that your W is a WW, no question. Notice how she let her guard down and told D8 "she just wants to be happy". She went off script after her preparation, and gave herself away! D8 was very smart, as you said, to pick up on it. Good for her. Kids aren't dumb, they know which parent tried and which one didn't.
ANyway, I like your plan. Be there for your kids. Continue to show your WW that light from the lighthouse. But also continue to educate her what it means to be D'd and not have you as a H. Because it sounds to me like she is going to try to cake eat like a heavy-set kid at a cake factory.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That sounds really tough about your S, it's good that you are his foundation. I have a friend whose parents D when he was a young teen and it was really rough for him and his siblings. Both parents went off the rails and it catapulted him into adulthood. He said while he is grateful that he grew to be a stronger person it took him like 15 years before he could reestablish a healthy R with either parent. I am definitely worried about the outcomes and actions of my children due to this. D5 hasn't reallly expressed any emotional outbursts, but it is bothering her. She asked my Mom yesterday if she was going to D my Dad or if my in-laws were going to D because that will make her sad and D is a sin. This morning she was crying and said she didn't know why the tears were coming out of her eyes when she isn't sad. IC said even in the best sitch to expect some freeze in child development. Unfortunately in this sitch there are no winners.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
That sounds really tough about your S, it's good that you are his foundation. I have a friend whose parents D when he was a young teen and it was really rough for him and his siblings. Both parents went off the rails and it catapulted him into adulthood. He said while he is grateful that he grew to be a stronger person it took him like 15 years before he could reestablish a healthy R with either parent. I am definitely worried about the outcomes and actions of my children due to this. D5 hasn't reallly expressed any emotional outbursts, but it is bothering her. She asked my Mom yesterday if she was going to D my Dad or if my in-laws were going to D because that will make her sad and D is a sin. This morning she was crying and said she didn't know why the tears were coming out of her eyes when she isn't sad. IC said even in the best sitch to expect some freeze in child development. Unfortunately in this sitch there are no winners.
I had a good friend whose mom cheated on and left his dad for the OM when he was about 11. He never has truly forgiven his mom. His dad passed away several years ago, and he to this day has zero tolerance for anyone that would cheat on their spouse. So while it will be rough for your D8 in the short-term I predict that you two will be very close for the rest of your life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Man that must have been difficult but you made it through it. Trust me that is the worst part of the entire process. My daughter does that sometimes too. She will cry and say she doesn't know why she is crying. She hasn't done it in awhile so I think she is adjusting better.
You wrote: I need to keep stamping out the inner fears and the dark thoughts.
Do you want to give details to what they are? I had those too and about 95% of them don't come true.
Man that must have been difficult but you made it through it. Trust me that is the worst part of the entire process. My daughter does that sometimes too. She will cry and say she doesn't know why she is crying. She hasn't done it in awhile so I think she is adjusting better.
You wrote: I need to keep stamping out the inner fears and the dark thoughts.
Do you want to give details to what they are? I had those too and about 95% of them don't come true.
LH19,
Sure, I dont want W to be in another R, I don't want W to be in another MR, I dont want to share my kids with any OM. I dont want my kids to call another man Daddy. What if I die, wouldn't that happen? I want to go ballistic on OM and W. I want W to climb into a hole and rot, I don't want her to do better than me in life, I want her to fail, she doesn't want to be in this family so she is an enemy of this family, etc, etc, etc. These are the PG versions of some of these thoughts and fears. I get to thinking and before you know it I get tunnel vision and my mind gets fixated on a bad thought or fear and it goes round and round until I mentally step back and go whoa, stop, this can't happen this is just a fantasy. IC says it's a negative coping mechanism for being hurt. Something I am working on fixing. Meditation has helped with this a lot. The bad thoughts and fears happen less frequently since BD. Someday I hope they go away completely.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Wow TF. I am so sorry all of that happened. I got teary just reading it. Sitting through it and watching you daughter go thought it must have been excruciating. Sounds like you handled it as best you could though and that you have a good plan about how to manage her feelings. So unfair. I live in dread of eventually having that conversation with my 10 year-olds. Even though their dad is currently living elsewhere, I don't think it has even occurred to them that this could be a permanent situation. They are used to him not being around and he has actually been more available to them than he was when he lived with us so things haven't been too bad. But if we were to ever tell them this is going to be permanent...that, I know, would hit them really hard. I just pray we never get there. But if we do, I will think of your good example and try to give the same message. Really tough to say it is "our" decision when you know darn well it is not. But...it is better for the kids to not blame one parent if possible.
I totally get your fears and negative thoughts. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have them. I don't currently have another person to focus on in my sitch (not sure if you do or not as I haven't read you entire thread) but I will not go anywhere near the place his is living. He had been going there three months before I found out about it so to me, it is his OW. I've been there once and it made me physically ill. I will not go there again unless it is to help him move his stuff out. Anyway...try to replace those bad thoughts with more positive, realistic thoughts. "I don't want my kids to call another man Daddy" to "Even if my W finds someone, there is no one, and I mean no one, who can even come close to being their Daddy other than me." That is much more realistic. Guaranteed. Your worst fears are just thoughts created by you and nothing more. Keep moving forward. No fear... (((HUGS)))
