Another thought:Next Saturday Hwill get keys to his app and will set up furniture with S15 there. I am sure he will also show app to S12. The kids despite their dislike of separation are a little excited about the new place, kind of like a vacation home? I feel like I don’t even want to come near it. Did you guys visit their places? Do I say no, if he ever asks me to see it? Maybe I should go there to finally accept reality
I’ve been to my H’s place once. I will not go back. He got his place three months before I found out about it so it is like his mistress to me. His life there is completely separate from me so I won’t go near it. I totally get where you are coming from Kiwi.
One night before he MO H picked me up from the station. I asked him how the flat hunting was going (I knew he went to see 2 that day) and he said he was worried about the parking (he has a very big car). He then drove me around to look at the parking spaces. I pretended to be interested but inside all I could think was FFS you're taking me to look at car spaces.
He moved in on a Thursday. I didn't see it for about a week. I was shocked. It was filled with all our old furniture. In the cupboards were spare plates and cups that I had bought and he had taken. He had bought paintings and cushions and there were pictures of the children everywhere. There was also empty frames up which once held pictures of the two of us (he had taken the pictures of us out). He had bought little ornaments to put on the window shelves. All I could think was soft furnishings and picture frames. He was building a home. We talked about this once (about a month later) and he looked at me and said "what am I supposed to do".
I go round there to pick the kids up. I sit on the sofa and he makes me tea. I notice everything. A half drunk bottle of wine, the number of cups in the sink, the number of bowls, anything that he has bought that wasn't there before. I once saw a cup of black tea. When I said "when did you start drinking black tea" he replied that it was green tea, and he had always sometime drank it. I felt like an idiot as he was right, every now and then he drinks green tea. So, whilst I notice things, I try not to think about it. Cheesless tunnels.
I hate being there and avoid it like the plague.
Should you go. If you think you can handle it. It will hurt though.
I am wondering if I should ask H to make the move as soon and as quickly as possible. He stated before that he is so busy with work that he will nee another one or two weeks after he gets the keys this weekend before he can actually move. But since his furniture is delivered this Saturday I think it would be reasonable to move the essentials there over the weekend and move. He could still get the rest over a period of time. I just feel that everyone is dreading what is coming and it would be better to get it over with. S15 is struggling in school with focus and grades are going down and S12 is starting to talk about it more often. So one part in me wants to ask him to go leave already while the other part wants to cling to every day I can get with him.
Thanks to all of you for being here. It is really good to know, there are people out there who understand what I am going through.
Gosh Kiwi. That is really, really tough. I some ways, I feel a bit lucky that my H essentially moved before I knew about it. I don’t have any advice for you except to say that it is really up to you and what it is you feel you can handle. I can’t imagine how hard it must be watching all this go down. And your poor kids. Heartbreaking.
Keep DBing and GAL. I know how hard it is when you just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep but force yourself. Tomorrow I am going to a Rotary Club meeting as my sister has been suggesting I join and get involved with volunteering. They meet every week right after work on Wednesdays which is one of the days my H is supposed to be with the kids. Two birds, one stone. I get out of the house and I get to meet new people and do good for others. Looking forward to it.
Another thought:Next Saturday Hwill get keys to his app and will set up furniture with S15 there. I am sure he will also show app to S12. The kids despite their dislike of separation are a little excited about the new place, kind of like a vacation home? I feel like I don’t even want to come near it. Did you guys visit their places? Do I say no, if he ever asks me to see it? Maybe I should go there to finally accept reality
Yes I went. I think it's a good idea to go because it helps you to understand it's just a dwelling- 4 walls a roof and a floor. It's not a home.
It's weird, my ex has had her house for 3 or 4 years now and when I go over there it still just does not feel to me like she belongs there or like it's her "home". Hard to explain.
I am wondering if I should ask H to make the move as soon and as quickly as possible
I would not. Keep acting like it doesn't effect you one way or the other - that is what detaching is all about (I think). DjV will offer better advice in this area than me but answer any questions your kids have as honestly as you can without casting blame. When they are around try to send out vibes that you are ok (hard i know). They temp check too - and they mimic the temperature you and your H set. GAL with them where you can. This might be harder for you as your kids are teens and don't really want to GAL with their parents, but maybe go out for meals, go bowling, watch a game together. Show, with actions, not words, that you are there for them.
Is there a counsellor / form teacher you can talk to at their school?
Perfect advice FS. I could not have said it any better. The important thing is for your kids to know you are okay which means that they will be okay. Hard to do when you don't feel okay but it is important to try to fake it till you make it. (((HUGS)))
What a strange time. Today I had a good talk with the kids. Not quite what you advised, but I told them, that I could see how hard it must be for them to have the moving date coming closer and that I was feeling the same, that we all would be better, once we had a new routine.
I also had an interesting talk with H, where we agreed, that it would probably be best for everyone, if he moved out quickly. Maybe I was a little to open there. He then asked if it would be ok with me if he would still stop by in the evenings after his moving out. I was kind of confused and asked in return if then I should also come to his place, when he had the boys. He said he did not mind. I said, I was not even sure if I wanted to go to his place and that I had to think about that and jokingly said, this whole situation would be new to me. I also told him I did not want to keep him from being with the kids, but it would be strange if he stopped by every day, then he would not need to move out. He agreed and we kind of left the opportunity of flexibility. I then asked if he wanted to give up his keys and he said no he had not planned that, so I asked, if he then also wanted to give me his keys and he said he could do that, since he would have two sets. He said, that he would text before he would come and I joked, that yes he would have to ask before he came over, since I did not want him to find me in bed with someone else in the future. To which he responded laughing, then he would join. Very strange conversation, but kind of relaxed considering the topic. It is still so sad. We seem to be getting along so well.
Is there a counsellor / form teacher you can talk to at their school?[/quote] Yes I emailed the guidance counselor / homeromm teachers of both of them.
You are also right about them mirroring and temp checking. But since H and I both get along ok at the moment, I hope that it helps for them.
