Look man I am going to be honest with you that IMO something about your sitch has seemed off to me. WAW/WWs rarely have a quick change of heart and work on the marriage. I think she is just going through the steps and unless something drastically changes you are at best going to have a horrible SSM marriage. Worst case scenario OM number 2 pops up and some point.
When I asked you to post your signature I was shocked that you have been only married for tens years. I thought you guys were older and had been together longer.
When I say drastically I mean you have to develop, and it can't be fake, an attitude that yeah I would love to work this out but I am not going to continue to be in a marriage when I am not getting my needs met. Not easy to do if it is not in your natural personality.
Itīs about expectatives T, and it is logic to have them. You need to know that it takes time. Ease your mind about it but the thing is there and there are the worries...Didīs sitch is at a similar stage. Have you read it? Read the last posts there.
Take your time, focus on the things you really have control, let the other things go.
Stay strong T
Thanks. Yeah I've been following his sitch, and there are similarities.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Look man I am going to be honest with you that IMO something about your sitch has seemed off to me. WAW/WWs rarely have a quick change of heart and work on the marriage. I think she is just going through the steps and unless something drastically changes you are at best going to have a horrible SSM marriage. Worst case scenario OM number 2 pops up and some point.
When I asked you to post your signature I was shocked that you have been only married for tens years. I thought you guys were older and had been together longer.
When I say drastically I mean you have to develop, and it can't be fake, an attitude that yeah I would love to work this out but I am not going to continue to be in a marriage when I am not getting my needs met. Not easy to do if it is not in your natural personality.
Yeah, a lot of things have seemed off since this all began. Very little of it has made sense to me.
I know, it feels like this has been going on forever, but in reality it's only been like 3 1/2 months since BD.
That attitude is there, but it comes and goes. It's not my natural personality to quit on anything, but again, W has to know I'm not going live in that kind of M. Maybe she doesn't though, since I've been living it for the last 5 years. That brings me back to my original question for a few days ago, 'how long is an acceptable time to wait for these changes?' How long would someone be expected to remain 'patient' with stuff?
Before we started MC 5 weeks ago, W would usually say things like 'depending on what happens', 'if we stay together', etc. I don't think she's said anything like that in the last month, which I take as a good sign.
lol, ya, 10 years married. Dated off and on about 5 years prior to that. It's been a long, strange trip
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Their words don't mean $hit so I wouldn't listen to any of it. June 2016 I get an Anniversary card "thank you for the most loving 15 years of my life" July 2016 after a weekend get away "I don't want to be married anymore".
Their words don't mean $hit so I wouldn't listen to any of it. June 2016 I get an Anniversary card "thank you for the most loving 15 years of my life" July 2016 after a weekend get away "I don't want to be married anymore".
Actions, Actions Actions that's all that counts.
6-8 sessions tops if shes not doing the HW.
Great point. And wow. That's brutal.
Next week will be session 6. So I'll give it another 2-3 weeks, then I'll just cancel them.
And fwiw, MC doesn't seemed alarmed or concerned that nothing physical has happened yet. I'm not sure she considers it a big deal at this point, as she seems more focused on getting us more emotionally reconnected.
Last edited by Terapin; 11/01/1803:59 PM.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Their words don't mean $hit so I wouldn't listen to any of it. June 2016 I get an Anniversary card "thank you for the most loving 15 years of my life" July 2016 after a weekend get away "I don't want to be married anymore".
Actions, Actions Actions that's all that counts.
6-8 sessions tops if shes not doing the HW.
T,
I can say the same thing. Start of Aug. I get a text saying I love you so much, I want to have your babies (after the birth of 3rd child wife cannot have kids anymore), she rarely says the baby part unless she feels a real deep connection with me that implies wanting intimacy. 5 days before BD (end of Aug.) I take her out on a special date I had been planning all month. A fun date of a wine release party, dinning at special place we rarely go to, holding hands walking through the city, plenty of I love yous, making love, etc. Then as I said 5 days later boom a phone call saying she wants to divorce me. W now says she only will listen to my actions not my words. Remember T, it goes both ways. Their actions speak louder than words, whether they know it or not.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Their words don't mean $hit so I wouldn't listen to any of it. June 2016 I get an Anniversary card "thank you for the most loving 15 years of my life" July 2016 after a weekend get away "I don't want to be married anymore".
Actions, Actions Actions that's all that counts.
6-8 sessions tops if shes not doing the HW.
Great point. And wow. That's brutal.
Next week will be session 6. So I'll give it another 2-3 weeks, then I'll just cancel them.
And fwiw, MC doesn't seemed alarmed or concerned that nothing physical has happened yet. I'm not sure she considers it a big deal at this point, as she seems more focused on getting us more emotionally reconnected.
That emotional connection may be very damaged. Women need an emotional connection to have the physical connection.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
And fwiw, MC doesn't seemed alarmed or concerned that nothing physical has happened yet. I'm not sure she considers it a big deal at this point, as she seems more focused on getting us more emotionally reconnected.
I hate to break the news to you T but at $150 an hour your MC is not going to tell you, I am very concerned she is doing the HW, you need to stop coming to see me and D immediately.
I had a date with a girl on Saturday and she agreed she was ok with just being casual. Since Sunday she texts me like 8-10 times a day. Do those actions match up with her words?
Their words don't mean $hit so I wouldn't listen to any of it. June 2016 I get an Anniversary card "thank you for the most loving 15 years of my life" July 2016 after a weekend get away "I don't want to be married anymore".
Actions, Actions Actions that's all that counts.
6-8 sessions tops if shes not doing the HW.
Great point. And wow. That's brutal.
Next week will be session 6. So I'll give it another 2-3 weeks, then I'll just cancel them.
And fwiw, MC doesn't seemed alarmed or concerned that nothing physical has happened yet. I'm not sure she considers it a big deal at this point, as she seems more focused on getting us more emotionally reconnected.
That emotional connection may be very damaged. Women need an emotional connection to have the physical connection.
Yes, it was/is very damaged, which has seemingly been the catalyst for everything.
Even though the MC recommended we both start initiating more (any) physical touches, she is much more focused on the emotional and communication stuff. She (MC) doesn't discount the importance of physical intimacy, but she seems to steer the discussion into relating it to the lack of emotional intimacy.
Some people say to practice patience, it's early, don't think about it, etc. Others say the opposite. Like I said, that's really the first time I've expressed disappointment in any way regarding her lack of inititating contact. And since we've started to (apparently) R, she has met most of the other things that were important to me (wedding ring, sleeping in same bed, openness with phone, IC, MC,etc). She just seems to do things on her time table, which is fine.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
And fwiw, MC doesn't seemed alarmed or concerned that nothing physical has happened yet. I'm not sure she considers it a big deal at this point, as she seems more focused on getting us more emotionally reconnected.
I hate to break the news to you T but at $150 an hour your MC is not going to tell you, I am very concerned she is doing the HW, you need to stop coming to see me and D immediately.
I had a date with a girl on Saturday and she agreed she was ok with just being casual. Since Sunday she texts me like 8-10 times a day. Do those actions match up with her words?
lol. good point!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
