Hello all, back with an update on my sitch. We have been talking everyday, we spent last weekend together as a family, and last night she invited me to her apartment for dinner (I had no idea where she lived so that was a big step for her). We talked last night and she said that she has been feeling much better since we have been in contact these last two weeks. She said that we need to take things slow because she’s afraid to be in the same sitch that we were in before, I agreed. I asked her what she felt towards me. She said she loves me and she’s happy to be around me and talk to me. She said she is physically attracted to me still. She says there are things she loves about me but also there are things she can’t stand (things that I am working on changing and demonstrating with 180s which are working so far). But she says she needs to feel a “spark” (aka fall back IN love with me). She asked me if we could go out of state for a weekend (just the two of us) to reconnect. I bought her roses which she loved. Last night after our R talk I listened to some problems she is having, and I gave her some advice (she had a bad day, completely unrelated to me). We kissed, watched tv, she laid in my lap then I laid in hers, I made the mistake of trying to escalate to sex and it made her uncomfortable, I apologized then everything seemed fine, we continued snuggling and watching tv. When I left, she gave me a kiss on the lips. Today we texted and she asked me to consider the weekend trip because she really wants to go.
This is where I’m stuck and need advice. How should I proceed to ignite her spark? I feel like I have a chance to R with her but I am afraid of screwing up. Also I don’t want to turn into the friend who makes her feel better. I just need her to fall IN love with me again.... Thank you all for the support and advice!
Wow!! That’s really good progress. I think you should stay the course. Maybe put off the weekend for a little bit? Keep dating but don’t jump into anything right away. Keep up with your 180s. Igniting her spark is not a physical thing... it is an emotional, connection thing. Keep working on that. I would say play hard to get but that sounds kind of manipulative so my advice would be to go slow. Too much enthusiasm on your part could start to feel like pressure. Best of luck IL8!!! So happy for you...and a little bit jealous. Would love to be in your position right now. Gives me hope though. Thank-you for that.
Thank you for the reply DejaVu. It's been really hard for me not to be over enthusiastic or start to pursue. I find myself thinking about her and us way too much, and fighting the urge to text her. Some mornings she texts me good morning, some mornings I text her. I'd say recently she initiates 70% contact and I initiate 30%, will try to tone that down to 80/20. I just need to remember to stick to not pursuing and not being so available. I don't know if buying flowers and being romantic like that are too much at this point. This is uncharted territory for me!
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Igniting her spark is not a physical thing... it is an emotional, connection thing. Keep working on that. I would say play hard to get but that sounds kind of manipulative so my advice would be to go slow.
Thank you so much for that, I need to remember that it isn't a physical thing. Last night I messed up by trying to initiate sex. The rejection made me feel somewhat insecure about this whole thing, it made me feel as though I'm possibly being friend-zoned. I've made it clear to her that I don't want to be just friends and she knows that. She told me last night that she wouldn't play with my emotions, and that she is letting me back into her life because she feels as though there is a chance to R. Just need to remember that when I feel insecure.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So happy for you...and a little bit jealous. Would love to be in your position right now. Gives me hope though. Thank-you for that.
This might sound harsh, but the ONLY thing that turned my sitch around so far is truly giving up hope of R. In my heart, I truly believed that there was no chance of R. I grieved quite a bit, but I accepted it and started moving on. Somehow she took notice. I feel as though you can fake it to an extent, but in my case I think she saw through that. When I truly accepted that it was over, it drew her towards me. It put me in a position that whatever happens, I know that I'll be ok because I've already accepted the worse possible outcome. I will read your thread now and share any advice that I have
Hello all, wanted to give a quick update on my sitch. I’m at work and feeling pretty bad honestly. Since my last update, we have been seeing each other more and I felt as though things were improving quite a bit, no fights or issues. A few weeks ago, she said she was going to go to a AA therapy retreat for the weekend, and when she got back we’d see how we both felt. On Friday (3 days ago) before she left for the retreat, she stopped at my house to say goodbye and we talked. She said she was taking the R seriously and wanted us to really work on it when she got back. She got back last night. This morning she texted me to call her saying she wanted to tell me something. So I called her, long story short she said the retreat made her realize her errors in our marriage and apologized. Then she said that she can’t get back with me. That she needs time by herself to work on herself as a person etc etc. I think it’s time to let this go...I don’t see how it could play out any other way. What do you all think? Thank you
So between Friday and Monday she had a total change of heart and totally reversed course. What does that tell you?
What it should tell you is "believe nothing she says and only half of what she does"
It's very likely that after a few days of introspection she'll come back and want to try again.
You can't plot your course here by reacting to what she says, particularly if she's all over the place. Decide what YOU want to do, then do it and stick with it. If you want to stand and wait for her to come around, then do it. If you want to move on, then do it, but stick to your choices regardless of what she says. What she says is irrelevant because it could change in the next 10 minutes as this episode has clearly proven.
She went to an AA retreat, realized what her own contribution to the breakdown of the marriage was, apologized for it and told you she needs to work on herself. That's all very positive. If she's got issues she hasn't dealt with, those are forever going to plague your relationship. If she's now willing to deal with them and *do the work necessary*, that's a great thing. Give her the space to do it.
Don't take what she says now as slamming the door forever on your future, that can change in an instant.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thank you for the reply. I wanted to give a few more details and after reading this I would appreciate it if you could let me know if your advice still applies (I hope so!)
On Friday before her retreat, she did mention that she’d “see how she felt” after the retreat, and for me to do the same. I agreed.
This morning when we talked on the phone she said (basically word for word): “i need to be alone (single) for a long time, to concentrate on my kids and my goals. I need to be single and not worry about any relationship or thinking that someone is waiting for me. This weekend I realized that I’ve been bad for all of these years”
This to me doesn’t sound like she wants to take time to work on her issues and come back. But would you say your advice still applies? I do know that things could change in an instant and I feel as though right now she believes that this is the right choice but once she starts missing me she might come around.
This to me doesn’t sound like she wants to take time to work on her issues and come back. But would you say your advice still applies?
Yes the advice still applies. In fact the advice I gave you a month ago still applies, and frankly I think if you had followed it she wouldn't feel the need to push you away right now:
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imlost8, it sounds like your W is learning to miss you and that is a very good sign. You've gotten some great advice here but just to reinforce what others have told you- tread carefully, have ZERO expectations, and keep your W at arm's length. Accept some invitations and decline others. When she calls or texts, sometimes reply right away, sometimes an hour or two later and sometimes not at all (if it's nothing critical). Don't be immediately available to her all the time. DO NOT break into pursuit mode, many LBS's before you have done just that when their W started showing some positive signs and it just sends the WAS running again. Let her do all the pursuit. Keep up your GAL'ing and detaching. Good luck and keep us posted!
Your W is still confused and doesn't know what she wants. It's a mistake to treat your sitch like a recon when she is still one foot (or maybe both feet) out the door. She's got to learn to miss you and she hasn't, you are far too available to her. Detach. GAL. Give her time and space.
My WW flipped-flopped from wanting to leave to wanting to stay and back about three dozen times between BD and finally Ring. They are cuckoo for cocoa puffs. You can't react positively to the positive and negatively to the negative. DBing is about being even no matter what crazy they are throwing at you.
You are a rock. The rock doesn't move. The wind and the waves blow and crash all around, but you are unmovable.
Also, what others have said. Why the heck at this point do you put any stock into anything that comes out of her piehole?!?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This to me doesn’t sound like she wants to take time to work on her issues and come back. But would you say your advice still applies? I do know that things could change in an instant and I feel as though right now she believes that this is the right choice but once she starts missing me she might come around.
Totally agree with AS and Steve85 -- the advice stands. Once again you're trying to read into what she said word for word, and as we've established you shouldn't believe what she says.
You're treating what she says as some kind of "final pronouncement" to stand now and forever, when she has just *proven to you* that she can do a complete about face over the course of a weekend. Nothing she says is a final pronouncement, nothing she says is now and forever. If you treat it that way you make everything worse for both of you.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
