13 years and two small children

[sandi2]

Oh......I don't know how you kept your cool. The things she said shows typical wayward W selfishness.

I am not a standby, never will be so im staying on course.

She thought you would jump at the crumbs she threw.

You did a great job!

[Hurt213]

Quick update:

I am so glad, that I did not engage in her conversation yesterday. This morning she left for an early morning meeting. When i poured the cereal for the kids, her phone lit up, and guess what, OM and her apparently reengaged contact over night and are now snapchatting like mad. I would be lying if I said that it wasn't hurtful to see (mainly at this point, because she was so sincere that they were not talking anymore, and she lied straight to my face - I hate liars). She asked me what was wrong, and I said she was perfectly aware, but it didn't matter. She said she had no idea and if I was questioning the fact that she had a morning meeting. I replied that I didn't, and im sure she knew deep down inside what was wrong, and that it didn't matter anymore. Then she up and left in a hurry - She is displaying all the things we have discussed, and im so glad I didn't let my self get dragged back in - now off to a great day, won't be home before late tonight, and then gym time, and straight to bed - I don't even want to make the effort of sitting in the living room with her tonight, at this point she isn't really worth my time, and if she wants, she can ask for mine.

Have a great day.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So she wrote me a text while I was in my car: She said that she had realized that OMs name was on her phone and I must've seen it as it said "xxxx is typing..." in a snapchat window...

She then wrote that she in fact did not have any contact with him since the middle of last week, and therefore she hadn't been lying to me about it yesterday. She told me that she didn't know where she stood with OM at this point in time, wether she wanted to be with him or not.

I did not respond to the text but simply deleted it.

I was fed up with the lying, so as you know from my thread, i kicked her out of the MBR last week. Yesterday we had a the broker coming by, so we had the mattress she is sleeping on in sons bedroom back in MBR so it looked nice. I told her yesterday that she could just sleep in the MBR, and I would take the couch (yea full retard move by me - weak and won't happen again). She left early this morning, so I pulled the mattress back into sons bedroom.

I then proceeded to remove all the things from her closets (clothes, underwear, jackets, shirts, the whole lot), i boxed it, and put it into sons room (he is 1 years old so it won't affect him). So now the only thing in MBR are my things.

I removed her perfumes, make up and everything that is hers from the master bathroom (as she had been putting some stuff back), and moved them back into the guest bathroom, now there are only my things in that wing.

She will be home today before me. I don't know if I reacted out of way, but as I see it. She is exploring (cake eating) and I am fed up with that behavior. She either chooses to be with us, or we do like this, and stop playing family.

I will be content, smiling and generally look happy around her - but I will tell her, that she can't have both things at once, and that is why I removed her things - bad idea? good idea?

Would appreciate some insight before I need to talk to her later .

[FlySolo]

I so understand where the need to remove her things from your room came from. I have been there. I took down every photo of H when he MO. I didn't say anything, but I placed them all, still in their frames, in his wardrobe at the front where he would see them. He took these photos to his flat with him. I assume he has them in a drawer somewhere.

When 7 months later I found out he had started dating, I went into every drawer and photo album and shredded every single photo of us from before we had children. I kept the ones post kids as (even in my madness) I knew the kids would want these someday.

A part of me wanted him to know what I had done. To hurt him as much as he had hurt me. To show that I cared as little about our shared memories as he did. This is not detachment. Detachment is living the fullest life you can without caring either way how your actions impact her. It is to get to place, where her actions no longer impact you.

If you moved her things so you have a place which is just yours, away from the madness of everything, then it was the right thing to do. But if you did it purely to get a reaction, then you are not yet detached.

I would not mention it to her at all.

I found out recently (from our cleaner who saw him put them in his car) that he had been in the MBR for 2 hours before with the door shut and when he came out his eyes were red and he looked devastated. This did not bring me any satisfaction. Like many things I have done out of anger or spite, I wish I had not done it.

[Hurt213]

Thank you for the words Flysolo,

I actually had no intentions of getting a reaction out of her, by doing this. I am not trying to be cruel or get her to second-guess her choices - I am just fed up with having to look at her underwear, her new dresses, and all her different clothings that she lays out on the bed whenever she decides to go to OM.

For me it is about having a place for me, that is exactly as you described it, just a zone where I can go to, relax, and be me. I feel like im suffocating having to sit in the living room with her in this fake limbo state every night I don't have plans - i'd rather have the option to go be for my self.

I am done with being the nice guy who lets her cake eat (go to OM at night, come back and play family with us). I am and will continue to grow to be a person I like to be, I have dreams for me and my kids, and I will do anything in the world to make them happen. I won't let my thoughts be clouded by her yoyo treatment of me nor will I accept it anymore.

What im saying is basically, that I will threat her with respect, smile and let her talk if she wants - if not, then I will just do me and my kids thing, and slowly but steady go to a better place. I won't be the one engaging in anymore conversations about us, nor will I initiate conversations, but of course I will answer content and happy if the questions are valid. I will not interfere with her life, and I will speak up if she decides to cross my boundaries.


So the advice is not to tell her, why I moved her things out of the master bath/bedroom?

I hope it makes sense.

[LH19]

She then wrote that she in fact did not have any contact with him since the middle of last week, and therefore she hadn't been lying to me about it yesterday. She told me that she didn't know where she stood with OM at this point in time, whether she wanted to be with him or not.

When I read comments like the one above I get very angry. You did the right thing and unless she is completely oblivious she will no why. I think you should have taken it further and moved it into the garage and asked her when she will be moving out.

What im saying is basically, that I will threat her with respect, smile and let her talk if she wants - if not, then I will just do me and my kids thing, and slowly but steady go to a better place. I won't be the one engaging in anymore conversations about us, nor will I initiate conversations, but of course I will answer content and happy if the questions are valid. I will not interfere with her life, and I will speak up if she decides to cross my boundaries.

What do you mean treat her with respect? What would be a valid question? What are your boundaries?

[sandi2]

So the advice is not to tell her, why I moved her things out of the master bath/bedroom?

She will know why. That doesn't mean she won't react to it. I suggest you have a statement ready, just in case. Something like, "If we aren't going to have a respectable M, then I see no point in sharing the MBR", or "I have decided not to share my bed with a W who doesn't respect me".

More than likely, she'll have some b.s. story.....and expect you to buy it. At this point, she must see you as a man who is rejecting her crumbs. Don't start telling her what you want, b/c she already knows. The less you open your mouth, the better. When she gets serious enough......she'll know what to do. Currently, she's playing you like a fool. All that bait she dangled at you was nothing but fool's bait. She will continue playing you, until you decide you are done with it.

I don't know your W, and she may come at you hard. I've seen some women put their things back in the MBR, and if the H tries to interfere, she calls the cops. You have to think beyond the action you've taken. There may or may not be any backlash. If she moves her things back into the MBR, so be it. You don't want it to lead to some type of domestic call to the cops, b/c it doesn't usually go in the man's favor. Be smart.

[AnotherStander]

She said she hated him for it and that she was sure, that he was clearly not over his divorce yet, however if he wrote to her, she didn't know if she would go back to him, however as of now, she really hated him - I just listened, but I absolutely did not validate or show sympathy towards that part of the conversation, I just let her talk.

GOOD! Validation has its place but NOTHING regarding OP should be validated, ever. It's OK to sympathize with her feelings in regards to why she became a WAS, but that doesn't mean you should validate the WRONG things she does after becoming a WAS.

She then wrote that she in fact did not have any contact with him since the middle of last week, and therefore she hadn't been lying to me about it yesterday.

OMG. I swear the way some WAS's think is just astounding. She talked to him all night and all morning but that is OK because yesterday she hadn't talked to him a few days so technically it's not lying. THAT IS BS. Absence of info is STILL lying. The moment she reestablished contact with him and didn't inform you about it AFTER SAYING IT WAS OVER ONLY HOURS BEFORE she entered the Liar Zone.

She told me that she didn't know where she stood with OM at this point in time, wether she wanted to be with him or not.

I did not respond to the text but simply deleted it.

That is good but you need to back that up with complete darkness. Zero contact, no cuddling on the couch, no long talks. Just shut the door on all of that because you need to send her a clear message- you want nothing to do with a lying cheater. Period.

She will be home today before me. I don't know if I reacted out of way, but as I see it. She is exploring (cake eating) and I am fed up with that behavior. She either chooses to be with us, or we do like this, and stop playing family.

I will be content, smiling and generally look happy around her - but I will tell her, that she can't have both things at once, and that is why I removed her things - bad idea? good idea?

I think it's a good idea but I would refrain from putting on a happy face around her. Be stern and unmoving. You're sending her a message that the cake-eating is over. And that's a message she needs to hear AND see.

[Hurt213]

Quick journal:

So I came home yesterday, and she didn't mention anything regarding the fact that I "moved her" out of the bath/bedroom. She served me dinner in fact, and told me she made my lunch for the following day. I said "thank you", and that was it from me. I then tugged in my kids and headed out for the gym and followed that up with a coffee afterwards with a friend.

When I came home around 20.00 p.m. she was on the phone with a colleague, who has been her support pillow through all of this according to her (surprise, she is also a newly divorcee).. She was acting and sounding all happy, and the spoke for 30 minutes, while I sat down and got a bite and got some late work done - then I proceeded to go to bed without telling her, i just left the room.

She is acting like nothing has happened - I am really putting up a "facade" showing her, that I will take no more, and I am not interested in small talk. She keeps asking questions though, but she really seems or acts to be not bothered at all by the fact that I "switched gears". This morning we exchanged what I think must've been no more than two words, and off she went. I know I shouldn't think about her feelings and doings, but im working on it - it is tough to just kill the switch. I will continue to pay attention to me and the kids, and only engage in conversations with her, when it is regarding financial things or related to the kids - is this the right way to go about it ?

Thanks

[neffer]

First time writing to you Hurt. Sorry and glad you are here

There are too many she on your posts. It’s about you now. Detach more, get your respect back. Keep reading the forum. You are being coached by the heavies here. It’s like riding a space rocket, feel the power.

Keep DB man, be there for your kids, keep posting. Remember it’s a marathon, you are not in a hurry.

Detach and GAL. Stay strong.