W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
It's all about how you frame it. Just spending quality time with your son can be a fabulous day if you approach it with the right frame of mind. Do something fun with him.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Happy birthday Blakmac. Do what Davide says, have a birthday party with S. Make the father-son bond stronger. It’s not a normal day man. Have fun with him.
Happy birthday man!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Yesterday ended up being okay. Had a friend drop by randomly with a cheesecake, and they spent the day here. Full disclosure: this friend is female. She's also quite interested in me. I'm hesitant because I want to make sure S and I are okay before I try something again...and I know I'm just NOT ready to move into something like that. Not even close.
But it was nice to not feel alone on my 40th birthday.
This morning, W wanted to pick up S for a bit. On the phone, I mentioned the friend that stopped by (I, unlike her, am fairly open about who I have S around...and I make sure they aren't creeps first). She was like, well I'm glad you had a good day, but you shouldn't get mad at me for bringing S around people of the opposite gender..."
Wrong thing to say, honestly.
"The difference is I check people out first. And I also didn't expect any visitors."
*W starts trying to backtrack, then decided to just go on the attack*
Me: "Look, to tell the truth, S and I's life would be a lot easier if you weren't part of it at all."
W: *silence* "I think we need to get off this call."
Me: "Okay. *click*"
W got here to pick him up. Smiling.
She was polite, smiling, then she buckled S up, walked up to me, looked me in the eyes and said "You know, it's a good thing we have S, otherwise the last six years are worthless."
My reply completely shut her up: "I agree."
Wow. I feel like I've hit a point where I'm seriously building an immunity (slowly, but seriously) to her attacks. That was just absolutely pointless.
It doesn't feel good to be an a55#0l3. Not at all.
But it does feel good not to feel so bad about her attacks. I'm able to write it off as her just being her immature self.
Maybe one day she'll grow up. But I think she's still got a long way to fall till she hits the actual rock bottom.
I get the feeling she wants to find things to attack me for. She texted me and asked when the last time I went to therapy was because the things I say "don't make sense. It's like highlights of a bigger picture, and you need to go to a therapist to get this stuff off your chest in a more healthy manner."
My translation: "Don't blame me. I don't care if it's my fault, I just don't want to hear about it because I choose to be okay with my actions."
^ pretty much a pattern for her. Ah well.
I dunno. I think I'm doing okay. Although I had hoped to see more friends yesterday. lol. Oh well. I'm pretty good at this "being on my own" thing I think.
Last night W brought S back home, and we talked for a couple of hours. Some was good, some was arguing. S just kept hugging us and trying to push us closer together. I think it got to both of us.
When she was leaving, she hugged me. She insisted that it all should be over. After a bit, she texted me another bit of information that feels a LOT like another gem:
"I know you don't believe me but I wish things had played out differently. I wish you had made better choices. I wish I had, too. But it's done and it's over and there's no point belaboring the issue anymore. It'd be one thing if you could even take ownership of your part in all of this, but you literally cannot, so I know that nothing will or could ever change. Have a good night."
That last bit, about taking ownership.
Which I honestly have tried to do all along...but maybe I just didn't do it the way she needed me to...I don't know.
I need to figure that out. Fast.
I realized last night that I'm NOT over her. Not even close. I need her in my life. Okay, NEED sounds whiny...but you guys and girls know what I mean.
I really need to fix this while I have a shot. She's going to file again as soon as she can, I know that.
So right now, I need a miracle.
She hugged me before she left.
I hope I can figure this out. I'll be okay if it doesn't work...but I have got to pay attention.
ADHD is really, really difficult. It's hard to undo damage when I can't focus on anything other than how bad I feel.
BM, this is nuts. You HAVE taken ownership of your part. You've shown her that in every 180. And in GAL. And even in detachment, which you have been pretty good at.
This is typical WAW/WW history rewriting. My guess is that she is wavering again on her insistence that it is over. After all, why belabor the point unless it is in order to convince her self? She knows you own your part, this is her excuse for continuing her wayward behavior.
Just ignore it and keep doing what you are doing. She may file. She may not file. You have no control over that.
I forget, where does the mediation agreement stand? Is it still enforceable?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
As far as I can tell, it is enforceable. I know she wants to make me do mediation again and she wants to have her own attorney to try to change the agreement. She still claims she felt backed into a corner and signed it because she felt that she couldn't undo it.
I don't really know.
I found this comment from another person with ADHD that really fits our situation for the last few years (and addresses what W's complaint was):
“When I say, ‘I’m trying,’ I mean it. I’m not happy to be forgetful or impulsive or emotionally reactive. I’m doing everything in my power to control it. But I can’t always control it, so please, for the love of all that is good and holy, understand I am not doing any of it on purpose! All I want is to function well in the world, but it’s a struggle every day. It seems dismissive, but it’s so true: It’s not personal.”
When I read that, it was way too familiar. This is exactly what I did. Of course, that doesn't often show outwards signs of "working on it". That's a big part of the problem according to W, that she didn't see me actually do anything, and she would come home after I promised to help around the house and I hadn't done it (because it overwhelmed me and I would just shut down), and she was constantly disappointed in me. I can understand that. But it really feels like only part of the issue.
