I'm not sure I agree entirely with FlySolo. I think you should engage her in order to reestablish contact with the kids. Otherwise you leave yourself open to accusations of abandonment. Anytime you text, call, email to try to talk to your kids, write it down in a notebook which can be used later in court to show that you are actually trying, but she is actively blocking you. That will also turn the tables on her, and make a judge look very unfavorably upon her actions. But just like he said, you have to be EXTREMELY CAREFUL about what you say and how you say it. If you can have a witness, even better.
Definitively see a lawyer.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Ready2Change - thanks for the tip regarding the book. I am reading this now and it is very interesting.
So have been waiting for a date for my daughter's operation, she is having open heart surgery. A massive op where she needs 2 weeks in intensive care and then 4 weeks recovery. The plan was always for me to spend a lot of the recovery time with her as I can work from home in my job. This is out of the window now as my W is going for the Occupation Order where I am not allowed within 100 metres of the house. This to me is totally wrong especially with her op, it shows she has no regard for our children.
Today I got a date for the op, I had spoken to the department and explained the sich with me and W. So the secretary called me this morning to confirm the date, she also said she had told my W just before calling me. My W does not know they have told me and I have told them not to.
So it's now 3 hours later and nothing from the W to tell me when the date is. I won't be saying anything as I want to see when she chooses to tell me or if at all. To me this is a massive deal, I think it is utterly disgraceful to behave this way. I really am beginning to lose any respect for her.
No contact with kids still, been 10 days now. Seeing Lawyer on Friday.
I think this is too big a deal for you to basically play games like "I won't be saying anything as I want to see when she chooses to tell me...." If she won't talk to you about it and work with you on this, you need to get the attorney involved ASAP. Your daughter needs you. You can't let your W keep you away from caring for D.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I am glad you have booked an appointment with an attorney. I would not wait until Friday - I would keep calling around until I had one who could see me sooner. Most of them offer the first 30 minute free. You need to know where you stand legally.
My suggestion to not engage was based on your emotions probably being all over the place and the likelihood of things being said that you will later regret. You sound in a better place now - though I would keep correspondence to text - that way you can draft a response, leave it for a bit, and then re-read it to make sure that you have not said anything that could be misconstrued (or used against you later). I would avoid phone conversations.
My 2cents regarding your daughter.
Break the NC. I would send a simple non accusatory text "Just wondering if you have a date yet for the operation?". If she doesn't come back with anything, resend the text the next day until she does. If she comes back, and the text is full of hate, ignore the hate. This is not about you, it is not about your W. "Ok. But do you have a date for the operation?". If/when she gives you the date simply say "Thank you" and maybe suggest (if you want to) that you would like to be there.
She is keeping you away from your children. Keep calm. Ignore anything and everything that is said that isn't directly about the welfare of your children.
If it were me I would ignore any verbal communication (phone or otherwise). I would not be able to stop myself from rising to the bait, or telling one or two home truths of my own and now is not the time for hot headed conversations.
W did tell text me some 8 hours later to say 'Just so you know the Op date is 16th November' and that was it.
Have now emailed her offering to come and stay with my S for 2 weeks when W is in hospital with D. Also offered to stay with D for 4 weeks whilst she recovers so W can go to work and not have all the burden. Also said I don't think it's right for S to stay with friends during this time as he needs his father and D also needs me.
Her response was a friend is coming to stay for 2 weeks with S and she doesn't want me to come and help with her recovery, Also get from her kids don't want to see me, which is not right. It's her doing this.
Have left it and will discuss with L on Friday.
Got to the point now where really have lost all respect for W. Keep thinking how did I marry such a nasty vile person. This is helping me detach though so that's good. Just all about the kids now for me as can't even contemplate a R anymore.
Firstly, do you know the friend. You have a right to know who is looking after your children.
IMHO you are better off without her whilst she goes through the crazies. Don't get pulled into her s**t. Keep yourself focused. The goal right now is to demonstrate that you are the stable parent. This means not allowing yourself to get baited, not throwing [censored] back and not being ruled by your emotions.
Originally Posted by crofton
. Just all about the kids now
Good. Remember this when she is throwing all sorts of vitriol at you and you need to think straight.
Asked who is looking after S for two weeks. So her friend is moving in, a friend who is mentally unstable (her words not mine). So definitely will be talking to L about this.
Going to collect the car tonight, as she decided to buy another one even though I still said she could keep it. Everything she does at the moment doesn't make sense. Seems it's all about proving she can be independent. But I guess all W do this when they D?
Have now emailed her offering to come and stay with my S for 2 weeks when W is in hospital with D. Also offered to stay with D for 4 weeks whilst she recovers so W can go to work and not have all the burden.
To me, this feels very weak/passive. I dont know what you said to her, but it sounds like you are begging for the scraps of time that she is willing to give you. Could you phrase this with something like "I would like to be with D XXXXX." or "I can plan to have S while D is in the hospital."
I just feel like saying something "Would you like me to watch S for the 2 weeks?" puts HER in control. I think it's a better approach to say what you want than "offering to help" - makes it seem like it's about doing a favor for her rather than you getting your time with the kid(s).
Im also wondering about the offer to "come stay with S"....it seems clear she doesnt want you in the house. I wonder if there was a way that S could have come to you.
Seems it's all about proving she can be independent. But I guess all W do this when they D?
From my observation, this does seem to be something that happens frequently.
[quote=Amoafwl To me, this feels very weak/passive. I dont know what you said to her, but it sounds like you are begging for the scraps of time that she is willing to give you. Could you phrase this with something like "I would like to be with D XXXXX." or "I can plan to have S while D is in the hospital."
I just feel like saying something "Would you like me to watch S for the 2 weeks?" puts HER in control. I think it's a better approach to say what you want than "offering to help" - makes it seem like it's about doing a favor for her rather than you getting your time with the kid(s).
Im also wondering about the offer to "come stay with S"....it seems clear she doesnt want you in the house. I wonder if there was a way that S could have come to you.
And yes....talk to a lawyer ASAP [/quote]
These were my thoughts as well. She is not the only arbiter of what happens with the kids. You have an equal say, if you choose to stand up for yourself. And allowing a "mentally unstable" friend to stay with your son is abdicating your responsibilities to him.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
