Familiar path, new approach (pain18 DB VII)

[ovrrnbw]

Question for you all: When W is so involved with OM's friends and children, how should I handle it? Is she just that deep into her own fog? I know it's not good at all, but hopes for a happy ending dwindle each day. This would just be another pin that gets knocked down.

She's making herself look like an ass. She has justified it a million times in her own head and has surrounded herself with enablers. You don't need to bring it up to her, but if she ever brought it up to you You just be clear about what's right and what's wrong in reasonable tone.

W asked me about my decision about our "living situation"

If you have decided to be at home full time, and I hope you have, then tell her and move forward. No sense in dragging this out.

I did say that I will out of the house more doing more stuff

Sounds like appeasement to me.

She said something along the lines of "well, I'd better make myself scarce." I shrugged my shoulders and basically told she can do what she needs to do.

I'd recommended an even briefer response, like an "OK".

Not giving in is a positive step, but I'd recommend not appeasing her. Here's how it came off to me:

Pain: "WW, I'm going to be here full time."
WW: "I thought you said you would leave a few nights a week"
Pain: "I didn't agree to that. I'm going to stay at the house. But I will be out of the house more so you will be comfortable staying here".

NGS.

Still, it's progress.

[Phoenix9]

Question for you all: When W is so involved with OM's friends and children, how should I handle it? Is she just that deep into her own fog? I know it's not good at all, but hopes for a happy ending dwindle each day. This would just be another pin that gets knocked down.

She's making herself look like an ass. She has justified it a million times in her own head and has surrounded herself with enablers. You don't need to bring it up to her, but if she ever brought it up to you You just be clear about what's right and what's wrong in reasonable tone.

I'm not going to point out anything to her. She is not my problem. She told me as much. Let her fall on her face.

W asked me about my decision about our "living situation"

If you have decided to be at home full time, and I hope you have, then tell her and move forward. No sense in dragging this out.

I told her that I'm staying home. I did not go any further.

I did say that I will out of the house more doing more stuff

Sounds like appeasement to me.

NGS.

Still, it's progress.

Much better, but still a lot of work to be done. Thanks ovr.

[sandi2]

I am so thrilled to hear you are attending a NG support group!

Question for you all: When W is so involved with OM's friends and children, how should I handle it? Is she just that deep into her own fog? I know it's not good at all, but hopes for a happy ending dwindle each day. This would just be another pin that gets knocked down.

It's like whenever two people fall in love and she wants his family and friends to accept her. She will show more attention toward his kids than her own, just to score brownie points. Yes, it's sickening. When the affair ends, his friends and family will fall by the wayside and they all will forget her.

She said something along the lines of "well, I'd better make myself scarce." I shrugged my shoulders and basically told she can do what she needs to do. So she went into her room to pack. I left the house after I said goodbye to my D4.

That was tough, but I am so happy that I did not give in like I used to.

You are correct. It's tough. However, you are becoming better equipped. You are doing a great job in taking steps to become the man you want to be, and the type of man you want your daughter to marry some day. You are actually doing better than many newcomers, b/c you have put legs to your goals. In other words, they aren't just wishful ideas floating around in your head. You are out there changing into the man you were designed to be.

[Ready2Change]

I now am in full detach mode and it's getting noticed. And I'm caring less and less. When I have an inkling of a positive thought about my W, my mind immediately goes to "She cheated on you and is dating another man while legally married to you, continually disrespects you, and cake eats. She doesn't deserve squat right now". That mindset has been helping me detach more.

This is how you DB ^^^^^^

I also need to step up my GAL significantly. I have made little friends

This is a good, concrete measurable goal. IE meeting new people.

I will talk to and meet 1 new person a day.

or

3 new people a week.

or

5 new people today.



And I agree with Sandi. You are moving forward better than most.


And for what it is worth, putting off immediate gratification will result in better gratification later. Do the work now and you will be rewarded in the future.

You can handle it.

[Ready2Change]

She said something along the lines of "well, I'd better make myself scarce." I shrugged my shoulders and basically told she can do what she needs to do.

Perfect!

I like this:
"I have no intentions on making myself scarce. If you need space, you are free to leave"

[TBSakaJ9]

P - Early on in my journey someone told me that your desire to save yourself has to be greater than your desire to save your marriage and you have to save yourself first before you will ever have a chance. Living by that motto helped me through some of my darkest days. Just keep moving forward!

[Phoenix9]

Day 100:

Here I am. Officially now 100 days into a process acknowledged as Divorce Busting, but is so much more. It's about facing my past and addressing the issues that contributed to the situation I got myself into. In the last 100 days, I have learned about and are addressing the following:

- FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Confronting my parents about the way I was raised and told them about their contribution towards this. Since confronting them, I have been able to talk to them like an adult and not like a scared little boy afraid of making my parents mad and getting a beatdown for saying the wrong thing. I am not afraid of their reactions anymore.

- NGS/Finding my balls (Thanks Sandi). This is the biggest glaring cause of why I am in the situation I am in. All of my life I have people-pleased and ultimately it caught up to me in the most painful way possible. This is something that I am working hard on addressing and resolving. I do not need to explain any further since everyone here knows pretty well where I stand and what I need to continue to work on.

- Confidence in myself- I have always had a problem with my image. And facing the likely reality that I will be single again brings up the questions of whether I will find another relationship with someone else if we divorce. I have my good days and my bad days, but I have been getting a little more confident each day in who I am, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am an awesome guy. I am a caring guy. A great father. A hard worker. A funny person. I just need to show it. This is something that I need to work on. Biggest insecurity I have been dealing with all my adult life.

I do not know what is going to happen to my MR. But at this point, I am learning the hard way that I cannot control that. I can only control myself. And I'm starting to embrace it and work on it. I still pray for resolution and R, but I have accepted that R is completely out of my hands now. And I'm starting to feel...free.

For the actual day:

Not much to note. I picked up D4 from W last night. Little conversation with W. Took D4 home. Made dinner and ate together. Watched TV together and read her a bedtime story and put her to bed. Said my prayers and went to sleep. Got up the next morning, made breakfast for D4 and I, and left the house. Dropped off D4 at preschool. Said good morning to teachers (W is a teacher) and left for work.

Plans to lift tonight and then ? afterwards. I know that I am getting tired earlier which limits my activities, but that is no excuse.

[Ready2Change]

Great post. You are doing the right things.

[Phoenix9]

Brief update and some guidance requested...

I was cold and short with my W this morning dropping D4 off at school. I did not acknowledge her presence which was noticed by her co-workers. W asked what was going on. I said "nothing". She said that I was rude and that her co-workers agreed. Ok. I validated and told her that when I left I felt that I was rude to her and her co-workers' reaction to when I said "Good Morning, ladies" told me that I may have been too cold (rude, whatever).

W then went on about me distancing myself and "not talking to her like a normal person". I validated and told her that I am good.

That being said, I do feel that I am carrying myself into the "cold, rude" territory, which is not DBing. But I also cannot stop thinking of W doing the awful things she has done and (likely) doing to me now.

Is this just something I need to refine as time goes on?

[AnotherStander]

I was cold and short with my W this morning dropping D4 off at school. I did not acknowledge her presence which was noticed by her co-workers. W asked what was going on. I said "nothing".

OK so you mentioned getting your balls back and getting rid of NGS but there it is right there. When you are cold to someone and when asked what is wrong and you reply "nothing", that is the very definition of passive/ aggressive behavior and very typical of NG behavior. So first, WHY were you cold? Try to dig down to the core reason for that. Anger over your situation? Frustrated that W isn't responding to your DB'ing? I don't know, only you do and you need to figure out what it is and tackle how to address it as an alpha male and not a NG.

W then went on about me distancing myself and "not talking to her like a normal person". I validated and told her that I am good.

That's the complete opposite of validation, you made it all about YOU. Validation is understanding HER feelings and acknowledging them. "I hear you saying you felt I was being cold and indifferent, is that how I made you feel?" "Yes, that's exactly it." "I can understand why it made you feel that way, I am sorry and I will work on changing that."

I do feel that I am carrying myself into the "cold, rude" territory, which is not DBing.

It's not. So remind yourself what your goals are, ask yourself if what you're doing is getting you closer to your goals or farther away. Ask yourself that as many times a day as you need to!