For those of you DB’ing, how many times did you f’up and regress before you actually started doing it successfully? And when is it too late?
I did 12 times. It's too late after 11. No I'm kidding. All LBS's have these thoughts initially, but what they don't realize is their spouse is already gone NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO. This isn't a game of figuring out what magic trick you need to perform to get him back. It's understanding that there is no magic trick. Like in the Matrix, how do you bend the spoon? By first understanding that there is no spoon. There is no marriage, it's gone. Maybe it says there's one on a piece of paper somewhere, but clearly once you separate the M is already gone. How do you get it back? By understanding it's gone, THEN it might bend. So you let it go, you get out and GAL and quit doing drive-bys and get about the business of being amazing and awesome. You leave him alone to make his mistakes and learn to regret them and learn to miss you.
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I feel like I try to detatch and after a few days of not hearing from him or getting cold text messages from him I go back to pursuing.
That's soooo not detachment. Detaching isn't a temporary condition. You're just leaving him alone a little while, hoping and praying it'll have an impact on him and he'll come running back. You still have an iron grip on the rope. It's OK, we all go through that early on. Just keep moving forward. Detachment (dropping the rope) comes with time and speeds up through GAL.
I'm doing horribly today. It's the first time in awhile (like maybe in the last month and a half) that I've actually cried. I feel like I'm back where I started. Two things that caused it:
1. A good friend of mine met up with him for a drink. All three of us had actually been friends. In fact, she met him the same time I met him years ago. She told me in advance she was meeting with him. She's thinking about moving from her company to his company and wanted to get some intel from him. It's the first time she's talked to him since this all happened. She told him she knew about him cheating but pretended like she didn't know all the dirty details I had given her. After they met she called me and told me he pretty much gave her the standard messaging he's been giving everyone - yeah, he's sorry he cheated but he was so unhappy in the marriage. However, she told me that she asked him about dating, and he didn't say he was but said there's no shortage of women to date in this city and, compared to the city we used to live in, the women here are not just all about how they look and fashion, they're also athletic and not afraid to get their hands dirty. I felt like that was a dig against me because he used to complain that I didn't like to do the same sports and activities that he liked...which I feel like he always sold me short. It was hard to do the stuff he liked together given we had two little kids.
2. He sent me a text message today inviting me to come watch the World Series at his place while he has the kids. I contemplated going but didn't give him a yes or a no because I know that's cake eating. Then a couple hours later he said never mind. I was no longer invited. That he was just "teasing" me. I got upset, even though I hadn't accepted his invitation yet. I said that's mean to extend an invite and then take it back. He said he was sorry. That he wanted me to come over but he's "conflicted and handling it poorly." I didn't respond but started obsessing over the "conflicted" part, wondering if he means he's conflicted between me and someone else. Ugh.
You're right AnotherStander, I'm not detaching. I wouldn't be feeling like this if I was. I'm having such a hard time doing so. I get angry and then tell myself I'm going to detach and move on, then I get pulled back in or I guess I pull myself back in.
So yesterday I felt ok. After hearing him say he felt conflicted I had more conviction in myself to continue moving on. It just made me feel more secure that he still has a bit of himself that sometimes feels he wants this marriage, however small it may be. I went out to dinner and a musical with my friends. At 8 pm I had this urge to text him just to ask what he and the kids were up to but I stopped myself. An hour later, he actually sent me a text to see what I was up to. I didn’t answer.
Today he sent me an email replying to one I sent him the other day related to our parenting plan (we’re doing 50/50 custody). We’ve been working on it since July. He says he’s going to file for divorce once it’s finalized so I’m dreading it. Though my lawyer doesn’t understand why he doesn’t just file for divorce now. I’m trying to include right of first refusal in the plan for when the on duty parent needs a babysitter (the on duty parent would have to ask the other parent first). He’s fighting me on this. I think he doesn’t want me to know his business - when he’s going out at night and needing a babysitter. It’s stressing me out and I haven’t responded to his email yet.
I’m going to see him in about an hour because there’s a Halloween event at my son’s school. He says he can only stay for an hour since he has plans and I have the kids this weekend. It’s going to kill me wondering what he’s going to do tonight. I wish I could figure out how to truly detach.
I’ve talked to several divorced friends who have it in their parenting plan. For me, I want to spend as much time as possible with my kids. This 50/50 share breaks my heart. S is 5 and D is 2. If there’s a day or night he has them but has plans and needs a babysitter, I would rather have the option to spend time with them if I’m available.
Do you think that’s unnecessary? I realize it could cause angst in that I’d then wonder “Where is he going” or “What is he doing?”
I think from his perspective it sounds like a control method. You'll always know when he is "out". And he had to contact you a lot more than he otherwise would. I've never heard of it so I wanted to hear the motivations behind it.
Even if your intentions are pure, and it sounds like they are, from his view they might not seem that way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You should definitely get right of first refusal. My wife actually had that put into our parenting plan....and she is the one that has violated it on at least 5 occasions that I’m aware. She has even reached out to my side of the family without giving me the courtesy. I never ask her business, but if there’s an opportunity to spend time with my son I want to ensure I get that since I’m losing out on 50% of his childhood.
It has also played into my favor in the eyes of appearing as the most stable parent.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
The more imbalanced the parenting split the more I advocate first right of refusal. I also advocate it if the other spouse will fluff off their parenting responsibilities.
It is a double edge sword.
After the my divorce, My mom and dad (The Grandparents) were able to spend more time with my kids.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I get what you mean Steve85. That’s definitely not why I want it, but I could see how he might think it is. Thanks for your feedback EZdozit and Ready2Change. I hadn’t thought of it but then my divorced friend mentioned it. Then a week later he told me he was going to hire a babysitter for times when he has the kids but can’t take care of them for some reason. Normally our nanny would do it but it’s hard for her to take late nights because she has kids of her own. After he told me this, I thought, if I’m available I would do it.
