I have just come back from an evening with a girlfriend. There was wine, but no sitcoms. Instead we spent the night chatting. A little about H, a little about politics and a little general gossip. It was a nice relaxed evening. One of the things i am grateful for since BD is the friendships i have made with the mums from my childrens year. Yes, some of them are only after the gossip but it others are genuinely good people. I am pretty sure H thought i was going on a dale ass he gave up all pretense of bring friendly and didnt even look up when I said goodbye.
When I got in H was putting D8 to bed and D12 was still downstairs playing on her phone. I went to have a shower. when I came back down H was turning lights off and said that he was going to sleep. I said goodnight them went back in the MBR to wrap D8s b-day presents. He came to the door and asked what we got her and then said goodnight agai
This is the first time since he MO that we have both slept in the house together. He stays here with the girls if I am away but never when I am here. The first time in 16 years that we have slept under the same roof but not in the same bed. He is in the room next to me and it is all I can do not to go to him. It is very strange. I do not know how we came to be so far apart.
I miss him so much but i know that he is not ready to hear that. I dont know if he will ever be ready.
Those familiar with my sitch will know that my H has been demonstrating increased levels of kindness. I still see the temper flare sometimes, mainly when I do something which shows he is losing control over me, but I also see him trying to keep this in check.
If anything, I am the one who has been more distant, more vague with my responses. I stick to the rules, yes or no answers, keep conversations about kids, no long conversations, always be the first to end conversations.
If he is making a concerted effort to be nice to me then should I be doing the same? I don't mean initiating R conversations, but perhaps treating him more like a friend. So, when he asks how my day has been (though he never asks this), instead of saying "It was good thanks" I might mention that the trains were especially bad, or when he invites me to something, sending him a text after to say "Thank you, I had a really nice time", instead of telling him "I am going out", I say "I am going to dinner with X" (where X is probably a female friend).
Our paths have crossed and I was touched with your sharing that my writing has inspired you.
We seldom realize how are actions affect others, directly or indirectly, there is limited feedback within our society. I am grateful to you for letting me know my effect.
I also want you to know, your words had an affect on me. We can all use some positive feedback, some appreciation, lord knows we aren’t getting any from our spouses.
The path each of us has been force upon is long, and we all have a long way to go. I believe that is a good thing. If the path were to end, or we stopped walking it, we stop growing, we cease the betterment of ourselves.
Keep walking your path.
Thank you FS.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ - I wish you luck on your journey, but I do not think you will need it. You seem to be (or have been for a while) in a place where you have accepted whatever destiny has in store for you, and you are accepting it with love, dignity and grace. I read the madness of your W and think to myself how have you endured all that and still show such love for your W. The lighthouse story was written for you.
Journaling
H just dropped me off after D8's family birthday dinner. I knew it was going to be a bad night when he came to pick me up and I was on the phone. He knew it was a work call (they almost always are) and he hates me taking them.
It then went from bad to worse ...
When we got to the restaurant, his mum and step dad where already there. Conversation quickly turned to BIL and his now exGF. H and MIL both had an opinion - exGF is probably seeing someone at the gym, she shouldn't be a member of the gym if she can't afford basic necessities blah blah blah. When I tried to say it is for them to work out, he scowled at me again. I guess I wasn't showing the requisite amount of loyalty to the family.
Next topic was one of the dad's of the children in D8's year who has been arrested for supplying drugs. I said we should probably not be talking about this in front of the children, but H scowled at me, said it's in the local paper so they are going to find out anyway, and then showed a newspaper clipping on his phone to D12. I said to D12 not to say anything to D8 (who was happily colouring something in on her placemat). He again scowled at me.
When the bill came H and I decided to split it. He said he would pay on his card and I could pay him back. Whilst he was paying the bill I transferred the money on my phone. He said he was just going to include it to the stuff we had decided to split this month, and why was I being so difficult. I wasn't - it was just as easy to do then.
Finally, he asked if I wanted the children to stay with me tonight as he had watched them for me last night (he originally had them scheduled to stay with him tonight). I said I didn't mind, but thought as he is going away for a week Wednesday, he might want to have them instead. He scowled and said "fine, we will keep it as ORIGINALLY planned".
I am not sure where all the anger came from tonight. I suspect its him feeling he is losing control (normally I would have not been so blatant about the work call, or been so dismissive about his anger bursts) or it could be that he is going away for a week and realises that he is going to miss the kids. I have been very blasé about him going away, so maybe he was expecting me to be more resistant? Mind reading, but interesting none the less.
Thankfully, most of this went over D12's and D8's heads and D8 seemed to have a good time. They both gave me massive hugs when they left and i told them both to have fun at daddy's and be good.
You sure are doing well FS. I know that there are still moments for you and you are far from happy with everything but I envy how well you have been sticking to the rules. My goal this week is to take a page from your book and really step away from the non-essential communication. I have been too much his friend lately and I need to get back to being more of a business partner. It is hard but since that talk with my SD yesterday, I know it is necessary. I think I am just gong to try to act as if the D has already happened and carry on with my life as if it has. I think that will help. I have a five-day pool tournament next week that I am really excited about so that will help. And my twin is back home tomorrow night...another big help. I will go hang out with her on Wednesday for sure and let H have some time with the kids.
My view of your H. He’s starting to realize life without you is not as picture perfect as he thought it would be and he is grumpy about it. Especially since you seem so unphased by it - particularly when he seems mad. Good for you!! I think Christmas will be an interesting time for you.
You are setting a good example, FS.I too need to act more matter of factly and less friendly. I will read the rules again now. Just wondering maybe his anger was unrelated to you after all: a bad day at work, conflicts with someone else. It is just mindreading and does not lead anywhere. Still it is hard to stop. But you reacted perfectly and luckily H can not read your thoughts either, he just sees you acting as a strong and happy woman.
Thank you both. Though it doesn't feel like I am doing well and it doesn't seem like he is any closer to wanting to R. The bursts of temper last night is I something new and reminds me of the months leading to BD. I agree, I don't think OW is in the picture anymore (though I don't really know this) and that his return to being 'angry' at me is partly because he no longer feels guilty. I think he also feels that my GAL'g is taking away from the children.
Cadet and the other vets are not wrong when they say this approach is counterintuitive. All I can see is a confused man who loves his family very much, may still love his wife, but can't seem to take that step. I don't know if anything I am doing is bringing him closer to taking that step. Sometimes it feels like I am driving him further away. When I was telling his mum last night about some of my GAL'g activities (Yoga and my upcoming comedy improv course), he took his phone out and started to scroll - these were the only two times during the night he was not present.
I keep wanting to see grand gestures like in the movies, but have to remind myself ... marathon not sprint ...
I have had two moments of weakness ...
I said in an offhand way yesterday morning that I had been out with one of the mums the night before. I could sense how suspicious he was (he wouldn't look at me, didn't ask any questions) and he is going away in 2 days for a weeks holiday and I was worried that thinking I had been with a man would make him more likely to stray again.
I sent him a text (a reply to one of his texts) asking him to say thank you to his mum for having us around bonfire night and that the kids and I had had a nice time.
Well, first improv lesson today and I had to miss it. My fault entirely. I thought i had arranged for our nanny to stay a few extra hours tonight but got the dates mixed up. Really annoyed with myself.
Normal stuff otherwise. Work, gym, home. I have to pick up D12 and D8 from football training soon so have an hour to myself. Life goes on and H only interrupts my thoughts in the quiet moments.
I saw him this morning. He picked us up this morning (me to the station, the girls to school). I mentioned that I was out tonight and he said "but aren't you out Friday". I said no, I haven't got plans for Friday and tonight is my firs improv lesson. Not sure why I explained myself. I think I was just caught off guard.
D12 was in a bit of a grump when she got out of the car. It was raining a little, and H asked her if she wanted to borrow his umbrella. She said no. He repeated the question. She said no again then got out of the car, and stomped off. This was normal pre-teen angst and not us related. When she got out H said "she is so stubborn". I replied that she gets that from us. He didn't say anything.
I won't see him now until next Wednesday or Thursday. He is off on a weeks holiday. He did this same trip last year about 2 weeks after BD and 2 days after my birthday. Remembering that time, I was such a mess. I couldn't believe he would go away after the two weeks we had just had. He slept in the den that night and in the morning I went and lay with him. I needed to know he still loved me. He told me he did, but then he went away anyway. I couldn't go to work for two days. Today, I simply said "Have a great holiday", got out of the car, and he drove off. All smiles and happy faces. Just two friends wishing each other well ... all these things left unsaid.
I do not expect to hear from him the next week. He will call the girls, but generally only talks to me if there is some logistical thing to discuss .. sometimes when the logistics is done, we might have a normal non-logistical chat (trains, family gossip) but if there isn't a reason to talk to me in the first place, he normally just hangs up.
I will say that compared to last year, I have come on quite a bit. I am nearly a fully functional human being.
In march someone bashed into the front of the house with their car. it wasn't major damage, more like turning in our driveway and reversing too far and hitting the wall. At the time we thought it was our au pair but could not prove it. I bought the camera as a kind of deterrent - she was also bringing 'friends' back when we weren't there. Well she left a few weeks later and I never bother to put the camera up as there was no reason. About six weeks ago I came home to find the camera installed. He said it was for insurance purposes - which might be true as our house insurance was up for renewal about the same time.
H has it connected to his phone (as do I). I know he checks it because sometimes the cleaner unplugs it when she is doing the floors and he has spoken to me about asking her not to. He has even put a sticker on the plug saying 'DO NOT UNPLUG'. It is also linked to our temperature control app provided by our electricity provided. The bill is in his name, so I am not even sure if he can be removed from the app (the app is registered to the bill payer).
I could speak to him about unplugging it but I expect I will be called ridiculous, difficult and awkward a few times followed by him storming off and me feeling like a bag of [censored].
Thoughts - should I just unplug it? Should I live with it? Should i brave the conversation?
Journalling
Stayed in with D12 yesterday as she was ill from school. Sent an email to the school advising them and cc'd H. He emailed me back mid-day to see if she was OK. I was having a facial at them time (D12 is OK to leave for an hour or so) so didn't respond. When I got back was busy so forgot. He called in the evening and after speaking to the girls, asked to speak to me. He asked if D12 was OK. I said, yes, she has tummy ache (as per the email). D12 gets tummy aches a lot and I have always suspected it has to do with anxiety. H has always blown it off thinking it was some sort of ruse to make him feel guilty. This time he seemed really concerned and even asked me to let him know if it gets any worse. I said sure, but played it down and we quickly got off the phone.
When he called he would have just got to his friends house. It would be the first day of his holiday. He did not mention it to the kids when he spoke to them, nor to me when I spoke to him, I do not even think he has told the kids he is on holidays. I did not ask him how the flight went or how is friend is (his friend is an old male school friend). I wonder if it would be better if I said something like "How is X? Are you having a nice time?". Would that come across as friendly but detached or pursuit?
Nothing else much. Life with an ill child makes GAL difficult.
I have bought some more of the picture tiles, this time with a few of H in it. They arrived yesterday and I will put them up in the den with the other picture tiles. I am going to show him that his leaving no longer has the emotional impact it once did and I am now Ok with having pictures of him up in the house, well in the den, which is really the children's TV room.
H has it connected to his phone (as do I). I know he checks it because sometimes the cleaner unplugs it when she is doing the floors and he has spoken to me about asking her not to. He has even put a sticker on the plug saying 'DO NOT UNPLUG'. It is also linked to our temperature control app provided by our electricity provided. The bill is in his name, so I am not even sure if he can be removed from the app (the app is registered to the bill payer).
I could speak to him about unplugging it but I expect I will be called ridiculous, difficult and awkward a few times followed by him storming off and me feeling like a bag of [censored].
Thoughts - should I just unplug it? Should I live with it? Should i brave the conversation?
Ummmm, that is creepy AF. First, I highly doubt it's needed for insurance purposes. They give discounts for a "security system" but it would be highly unusual that they specify it must have cameras. You might call and check with them about that. Second, that is creepy AF. Third, even if it is required, who said HE needs access to it? Fourth, did I say that is creepy AF. Fifth (or maybe first), unplug it and if he gripes about it tell him to go pound sand. He chose to end the M, he doesn't get to spy on you like some creepy stalker.
