AS, LH, Nef: Thanks guys. Yes, even though things are seemingly going well, something doesn't quite feel right. I know it would be somewhat awkward to come over and cuddle with me or something. But, we have been in 4 situations that should have been perfect opportunities to at least hold my hand (concert, wedding, 2 haunted houses). One time while in a line she did put her arm around mine, but that's it.
Steve: Don't apologize to me. It's pretty damn hard to offend me, and I always appreciate your comments! You also make a very good point about your W feeling like ANY type of flirting or touching leads to the expectation of sex. My W has said the same exact thing since our very first MC session. Actually even before MC. To be honest, I always kind of chalked it up to somewhat of an excuse or talking point. My W said in MC that she doesn't want to 'risk' touching or flirting, because if it doesn't lead to sex, I'll get really pissed. I do understand why she felt/feels that way, because looking back that did happen a lot.
Is she planning her next BD? Is she all in or not? Is she not ready for sex and doesn't want to do anything to piss me off? Is she really just trying to take things slow? Who f'n knows anymore. lol. MC said that we should be communicating about anything that's bothering us, which obviously goes against the 'no R talks' advice here. I may bring it up, or I may just give it another week or two to see how it plays out. The good thing now, as compared to the original BD and even a month ago when I was real confident about MC, I"m mentally prepared for anything
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Generally I say to always go with your MC. However, remember MC are classically trained typically. They do not really know much about DBing. I would limit your R talks. Don't use the MC's advice as an excuse to talk R all the time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Generally I say to always go with your MC. However, remember MC are classically trained typically. They do not really know much about DBing. I would limit your R talks. Don't use the MC's advice as an excuse to talk R all the time.
I never initiate R talks. I think maybe once since DBing, and I think that was a huge reason for any type of success we may have made.
I suppose it's not really worth bringing up at this point anyway. I mean, I mentioned it a few days ago in MC, so to bring it up again so soon is stupid.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Going to be a rough evening. My brother is having a birthday party tonight. W went over early to help SIL set up. I'll go over w/ son later. So we'll have separate vehicles there. This is like returning to the scene of the crime, since this was the place the lid blew off a few months ago. OM was/is crashing on a couch a few houses down, and that house is apparently also having a Halloween party tonight.
What I'm afraid of is, W starts drinking. Inevitably gets too drunk to drive. Son gets bored tonight and wants to go home. I take son home, and W stays there over night. The two parties eventually merge. I drive to OMs party house tomorrow and run amok
Like Yogi Berra said, it's like deja vu all over again....
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
So drive W and son home and you return to the party. It's your brother. I would let W know without a shadow of a doubt where you stand. Either she does not drink and then takes S home, or you take them both home.
NO THIRD OPTION!
Fcuk civility and fcuk being considerate. Lay down the law.
So drive W and son home and you return to the party. It's your brother. I would let W know without a shadow of a doubt where you stand. Either she does not drink and then takes S home, or you take them both home.
NO THIRD OPTION!
Fcuk civility and fcuk being considerate. Lay down the law.
The party is a birthday/halloween party for their daughter. It'll then turn into an all nighter when the kids leave. So W drove there at 2p to help SIL get things ready. My son and I will go around 5.
W knows I"m a little uneasy about all of this, because she brought it up last night. So it'll be pretty clear her intentions for the future. She either keeps composed and we leave at a reasonable hour, or, she gets wasted and tries staying over there and partying all night. If she chooses the latter, I'll know that this recent 'reconciliation' was a mirage and I"ll proceed accordingly. I do think things will be ok though. Probably the worst that will happen is she'll want us all to stay over night there since the cops are always out in force in that town.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
W and I were chatting yesterday, and the conversation turned towards MC. She said she thinks everything is going really well. I agreed but did say that the physical contact has been a one way street so far (or something like that). So here's what she had to say about it:
She is still working through a lot of past resentments she's harbored for me for years. She's not sure how to get past them, but thinks talking about them in MC may help. I've heard these 'resentments' before. I don't necessarily agree with them, but they're legit to her which is all that matters I guess. Basically they're things like not being there or supporting her at key times.
She also still thinks it's a bit awkward to be affectionate with each other, since that's been missing for years. But she is feeling better about it.
She said for her, she really needs that emotional connection in order to want to be intimate with someone. I get that, but it doesn't explain her hitting on OM a few months ago...
On the positive side, she said that the last few weeks, she's starting to have some strong feelings for me again, both emotionally and physically/sexually. She also said that things like sleeping in our bed again, hugging me, etc are huge steps for her, and things that she didn't see happening a few months ago.
Other than that, the whole day was spent working on house stuff together, watching football, and goofing around with each other. I know words mean very little, and that convo wasn't exactly positive or anything I haven't heard before. All I can do is keep up what I've been doing, and see what happens.
One very positive thing is we've implemented some of the techniques our MC suggested regarding 'rules' for our son, and those things are working great. Our son has been absolutely awesome the last 2 weeks, which is certainly helping our overall sitch.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Remember, non-sexual touching. That will go a long way towards her feeling comfortable again. I heard many of the same things you did early on in my sitch. I incorporated touch charges from another marriage experts plan (obviously not DBing). Those really seemed to help a lot. And I still use them today. And will use them for the rest of our marriage.
Terapin, you've now received this answer from her at least twice (maybe more). So I would let it lie from now on. I know you've been spending a lot of time thinking about this. Most of us agree that it is way too early to put that much pressure on it, even if we disagree about how important it should be in general.
And do not discount what she said about hugging and sleeping it the marital bed again! That is huge. I think you yourself would only need to go back a few weeks to realize that it seemed very improbable of happening. Give her the time she needs to keep working towards more affection and intimate touching.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Remember, non-sexual touching. That will go a long way towards her feeling comfortable again. I heard many of the same things you did early on in my sitch. I incorporated touch charges from another marriage experts plan (obviously not DBing). Those really seemed to help a lot. And I still use them today. And will use them for the rest of our marriage.
Terapin, you've now received this answer from her at least twice (maybe more). So I would let it lie from now on. I know you've been spending a lot of time thinking about this. Most of us agree that it is way too early to put that much pressure on it, even if we disagree about how important it should be in general.
And do not discount what she said about hugging and sleeping it the marital bed again! That is huge. I think you yourself would only need to go back a few weeks to realize that it seemed very improbable of happening. Give her the time she needs to keep working towards more affection and intimate touching.
Yep. I at least got my answer (again) from her. And ya, I constantly try to remind myself of where we were 3 months ago. I won't bring it up again for a while.
This is also the 2nd or 3rd she's brought up these 'resentments'. It's hard to understand how she's still holding onto things from a decade ago (one of which I don't even remember happening). It's also hard to understand how she's going to get over them, since she obviously hasn't over the last 10 years. Hopefully MC can offer some advice.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
