Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (6)

[Ready2Change]

The forums on Divorce Busting are filled with so much great information. As I read through the posts, I like to grab the nuggets of gold and share. I like to go back and reread the posts to refresh my memory as well.

Previous quote threads:
Quotes found on Divorcebusting (5)
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Recap of My Last Thread (Book List)

[Ready2Change]

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Great post. Here are some highlights:

She will probably never tell you, so I will. She wants her H to be emotionally/mentally stronger than her.

Another thing she won't tell you is that she will test him throughout their relationship to see if he is stronger. If she sees weakness, she will resent it, and at the same time feel that she must step up b/c her H is too weak. In the process, she loses respect. Usually, this comes in small doses and happens over a period of time.

The problem with a soft hearted, tender natured guy is that she is going to take his b@lls away. If he has NGS, he will tell himself that he just needs to do more to make her happy...…...only, he does the wrong things. He dives into the housework, does everything with the kids (feed, bathe, dress, homework, take to school, etc.) She may sound like she's never satisfied with the amount he does...….and that is partly true.

She's not satisfied b/c he doesn't reclaim his b@lls and act like the man she desires.... She may not know how to tell you that she needs you to grow a pair and take the role of the man.

Women are attracted to men with ambition. They are attracted to successful men. In our world, success usually equals financial security. Financial security is very attractive to women, b/c one of our basic needs is security. If we have a H, we are going to look to him to bring it. It's our nature. Even if we work, we still expect him to work, too.

Another thing that attracts women in men is power (in a good way, not evil way). Successful career men usually indicate that they have a certain amount of power......which draws a certain amount of respect. A wife wants her H to be respected in their community.

No matter how successful he becomes, she will always need him to fill her intimate/emotional needs. She will always need him to act like a man, first, in order to respect him as her H. If I had to say which is more important to a woman.....her H having a job or him helping at home, I'd choose the job. ...He has to know how to balance his work and his time/energy with his family. In a MR, he has to tend to W's emotional needs, b/c no high career is going to take care of "everything". Know what I mean?

[SteveLW]

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Pursuing is not the same as not ignoring.

Ignoring means someone is trying to get your attention and you don't notice or you act like you don't notice.

Pursuing is chasing after. Trying to get someone's attention.

Pursuing when someone doesn't want you won't make up for ignoring them when they did want you.

If you want to 180 pursuing, then learn how to validate what she says when she initiates contact.

As for GAL, yes, in the beginning it won't be very much fun. You'll be there and all you will think about is your marital situation. This is why activities that are new and different and require you to learn and focus are great choices. It gives your mind something it has to focus on, so that leaves less mental space for thinking about your situation. Keep GALing anyway. It will get better.

[Ready2Change]

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....The mens group is turning out to be the best thing I have ever done for myself. A great group of individuals just getting together to hear about what is happening in one an other's lives and supporting each other. I always feel so refreshed after attending and for any of the other men on here that don't have a group of supportive men in their lives I highly recommend it.

[Ready2Change]

Good example of why we recommend protecting yourself, controlling your emotions and documenting everything:

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.So i just found out my WW filed some sort of order that asks for primary custody. Not only that she wants child support...nevermind the fact she makes more than double my salary... The KICKER? She claims she is afraid for her safety. Yep, she went there folks. My mind is blown.

I have never once given her any reason to fear for her safety. As a matter of fact, she got in my face pointing her finger in my face and said "im not afraid of you". This was a month or two ago, and i still remained calm. Shes been trying to bait me, and since im not biting, shes just making s*it up now....

[Ready2Change]

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I wrote myself a manifesto. I refer to it every day.

This season of my life has been tough. Use the pain to become a better man, a better father, and a better Christian. Control what I can control to become that better man every day for the rest of my life.

FAITH. Strengthen my relationship with God. Draw closer to Him. Continue to read the Bible and other Christian resources. Continue with fellowship at work. Regularly attend church. Regularly go on missions trips. (Goal: Join a serving Life Group.)

KINDNESS. Continue to volunteer a lot. Continue random acts of kindness. Always be humble and kind. (Goal: Be kinder when I'm driving.)

FORGIVENESS. Do not be mad at W. She just wants to be happy. I am the one who largely failed her. Forgive her and seek to become her friend.

ATTRACTIVENESS. Always dress nice. Always look nice. Get my swagger back. Get back to being an alpha male. Be confident, upbeat, relaxed, and fun.

RELATIONSHIPS. I avoided the big mistakes in my marriage (abuse, cheating, work/life balance, being a bad parent, etc.), but I made a lot of little mistakes. Identify and improve on the little things I could have done better.

Connectedness. Always treat her as my best friend. Enjoy and appreciate time spent together. Do little and big surprises. Date nights.

Communication. Listen to her, actually hear what she is saying. Learn her love language. Study her. Learn what makes her tick, what her concerns are. Use resources like The Love Dare, Divorce Remedy, etc. to better myself.

Attitude. Don't overreact to nagging. Nagging shows she is still invested in the relationship. Be positive, patient, and forgiving.

FATHERHOOD. Continue to be fully invested in my relationship with my daughters. Continue to use resources to better myself as a father.

LIFESTYLE. Continue to exercise (walking, push-ups, sit-ups, planks, squats) and diet. (Goal: Stay below 165 pounds.) Get eight hours of sleep. Continue to quit chewing. Continue to re-engage with family and friends. Grow my circle of Christian friends.

BE MYSELF. Get back to doing things that I like: Golfing, Outdoors (camping, fishing, hunting), Traveling. (Goal: Visit all 50 states.) (Goal: Visit all 6 habitable continents.)

GROW. Try new things. Become handier around the house. (Goal: Become a better cook.) Go on more mission's trips. Maybe try sky diving.

GOALS
Join a serving Life Group.
Be kinder when I'm driving.
Stay below 165 pounds.
Visit all 50 states.
Visit all 6 habitable continents.
Become a better cook.

MOTTO
God has great plans for me. I will survive. I am lovable. I deserve to be loved.

[Ready2Change]

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Much of the efforts we do in DB is to remove pressure and increase attraction. Without attraction, we surrender any opportunity for R. Not to mention it is the only thing we have any control over. Sometimes I think we forget that attraction is much more than our looks. As mostly males here, we see attraction as a visual concept. For Ws it is very different.

[Ready2Change]

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.. i am a former Wayward Wife who is piecing with my H, and we have been piecing a bit over 3 years after a very long physical separation... my advice to you is the same advice i give to any and all LBS... SERIOUSLY detach and GAL... by seriously, i mean you do it wholeheartedly... by wholeheartedly, i mean--no starts and stops and no doing it according to your H behavior... you do it with everything in you--for YOU... i believe this will give you the best chance to save your M...

most LBS cannot do it... it is very difficult... i see that most LBS eventually get around to doing it, but not until it's a bit too late... at that point, they are basically saving themselves... if you can do this in the early stages, i believe your chances of saving your M are greater... and if you do it without regard to how your H reacts--because he will likely react, will not like it, will try to guilt you--you will have a greater chance of him coming back... it will feel very wrong, like you are making things worse--but he has to come to a place where he sees he has lost you... you cannot fake it... you cannot do it until he starts to show signs of coming back, because he will back off just as soon as you think things are good again... and you will go through the cycle again and again--and that lessens the effect of detaching and GAL... he will come to see that it's all a game just to get him back... and you will weaken with each cycle...

--artista

[Ready2Change]

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I realize that I am not out of the woods and need to continue my personal growth journey....I think some things I have going for me is:

- Recognizing my NGS and working on it
- Doing the right things this time (continuing MC (and we will) etc)
- Making my changes permanent
- Continuing to focusing on controlling me, not trying to control her
- Learning about an applying self-differentiation in marriage
- Continuing to recognize my own toxic behavior and 180 on it

So on the first one, while not full blown NGS I definitely had parts of it. And it did a lot to contribute to my sitch.

On the 2nd, after her EA in 2005 I made a lot of changes. Temporarily, but then after a while I allowed myself to slip back on those changes. Mainly because all of my changes had the wrong goal. (Listen up guys, this is applicable to ALL sitches!) My goal was to save my marriage. Once that occurred I gave up the 180s I made to achieve that. I essentially set myself up for another sitch, and the fact that it took 12 years really was a tribute to my W trying to hang on (and employee multiple techniques to try to fix things), but I wasn't doing my part.

So that is why point #3 is so important. None of us are guaranteed having our spouse stay with us no matter what, but as cliche as it sounds, the key to having a better marriage is being a better spouse. And that is something we all need to keep in mind.

And the big part of that is the point about controlling what I can control. Me! Focus on me, my actions, my words, my activities, my priorities. And doing what I can do!

And the self-differentiation piece is not trivial. The more I learned about proper detachment the more I realized that self-differentiation (essentially a healthy state of constant detachment) was of the utmost importance to a healthy relationship. The more research I've done the more I've realized that connection, but not codependency, is what makes for a healthy marriage. The fact that two people can be together, enjoy one another's company, and have a connection unlike a connection with anyone else, but still have a life outside of that relationship (essentially GAL!). Codependency might allow for one or both of those, but requires causes us to be too dependent on whatever we think we are getting from the other person.

...

Be the best spouse I can be. Love her the best way I can. Make her wants and needs a priority (note, not the ONLY priority because I know I have to look after my wants and needs as well). And I need to do this list to be the best person I can be and become, not to save my marriage. If it does that, then great. But the goal here is to be the best H, father, citizen, person, church member, employee that I can be. And let the things I can't control fall into place.

[Ready2Change]

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First, if you think she is asking a leading question (like the one about your sister) the DBing rule is to deflect it. "That is a good question, but I haven't really considered how I feel about that. I will have to think about it and get back to you later."

When she does just flat out start talking about something, remember validations techniques. "Hmmm, that is interesting, how did that make you feel?" "I can understand why you'd feel that way."

I would continue to not be the initiator of discussions. Remember you are the lighthouse, she comes to you. When she does you are pleasant, upbeat, present. Answer her questions in as few words as possible. And validate anything she says.