One of the hardest parts personally for this is setting realistic goals. I know MWD lays out a good procedure for doing this yet getting some written that are not Apollo programs is still a sticking point. Reading Gordie's thread where he lists his. So I am just getting into the discussion about those efforts.
Is this an issue for everyone else? What sort of goals are you looming at? Currently mine seem to be centered on me and self improvement. Should include any aimed at us? Dropping bread crumbs so to speak? I don't want to kill this. I know... at odds with my comment about the phone bill etc.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Would the request to move out be a 180 for me since I generally don't push? Or more me being a "bully" and confirming in her mind the worst.
She probably thinks you are controlling and manipulative (since most WAW's seem to think that of their LBS). So kicking her out would just reaffirm to her that you are trying to control the sitch. The DB'ing approach is to let HER make choices and decisions without you. If she says she's moving out then you say "well I would rather you stay and work on the M, but I will respect your wishes and support you in your decisions."
Now if you are done with her, and done with DB'ing, and want to kick her out to move on with your life then that is your choice. Some people feel like they have to do that to get some semblance of their life back. And some are stuck in unendurable situations and need out for their own health or even safety.
AnotherStander, thanks. I hadn't considered that pov. I suppose she does and would see me in that light.
So with that in mind, since there seems to be little activity on her part to be moving out and none from her brother, whose activities are... I don't know what they are. helpful or detrimental... got to think on that some more.
So since she has a lot of stuff and very little is out would a continued silence be tacit acceptance of the situation? Enabling cake eating?
Because I would like to not get comments like I got about the cell phone bill. Which was we won't have to talk about that soon. Maybe because she thinks the Dec court date will be the end of it. Going to check with my L to clarify what happens or is expected then.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
So since she has a lot of stuff and very little is out would a continued silence be tacit acceptance of the situation? Enabling cake eating?
No I don't think you are enabling her by not kicking her out. I mean legally you can't kick her out, you can only ask her to leave and if she chooses not to there's nothing you can legally do about it. Enabling cake-eating is more along the lines of doting on her, appeasing her, doing things for her and generally acting like everything is normal and OK while she carries on with an affair. If you are getting out and GAL'ing and giving her time and space while working on you, then you are not enabling her.
AniotherStander, thanks. MWD brings up stuff and it is brought up here all the time. Some of it is easier to do than others. So often I feel to close to this to be objective. So difficult to not accept all the blame. Kicking myself for not paying attention to her, the MR, all of it.
Yeah, I feel overwhelmed. Dealing with my sister and her drama. Thanks Mom for having me be trustee for her SNT. My sister is all me, me, me. I want. I need. Money doesn't grow on trees. Our Mom made a mistake by taking care of her baby and catering to her. Now we (our aunt, mom's sister, and me) are left with the monster.
W feels overlooked in my parent's estate. W took good care and helped both of them when they were really sick at the end. Does that contribute to how I feel? Absolutely. Denying that would be stupid. Some of my inheritance has been spent on W. Some to cover bills. Some on me. Some on us. Us, like a trip to the Philippines. W didn't seem happy we did that after the fact. Maybe I ruined her chance to show off to her baby sister. That SiL is divorced. Getting advice from her? IDK.
Anyway. Church tonight. Going to meet one of the guys I've known a long time and grab a bite to eat. Little GAL activity.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
GAL update. Good chat during dinner. Big meal for the mixed grill this place offers. So leftovers for lunch today. Yum. They have a nice creamy garlic sauce, which I took some for the leftovers. Almost wore it when the top came off the squeeze bottle. Little splatter on me and most all over the food... portion control is shot there.
Anyway when I got home from church, BiL's car was there but nobody was home. Most likely was W and BiL went to church. I pray this is happening. Because in all this mess she is trying to hold onto a solid. With God's blessings and help... Unreasonable? Maybe? Maybe not. Still a positive, or at least not a negative. Not popping the corks yet. Double down on making changes/improvements to me... firewall the throttle.
Feel like offering an apology to W for all of it. FEEL... if it happens, it will have to be on an up day. Not talking to each other... doesn't feel productive.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
By the way of apology I don't mean a blubbering, clinging to her knees so she can't walk apology. A simple, quiet, reserved I am sorry what I did to get us here. Nothing more, nothing less.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Reading Gordie's thread. Thread just made the shift to the MLC forum. Whole lot of information in his story. Glad this was recommended for multiple reasons. Not just his narrative but the input and interaction with others.
Someone recommended read and comment on other threads. Group support... yup. So I will in hopes of being more supportive of this community. Formal submission for citizenship if you were to call it that. (informal?)
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
