Exhausted all day, all I want is to go to bed. Then I get to bed and can’t sleep. Lovely.
Here’s one for the night owls: what if W is right? She’s not really acting selfish, crazy, or anything. She’s just over it. So maybe she’s right. We were incompatible, and too much damage has already been done...what if I’m the one who’s crazy and selfish for trying to fix this? I mean, sometimes things just don’t work out, and holding out hope is maybe just stubborn and counterproductive.
So what? It makes no difference whatsoever.
Exactly this. It just doesnt make any difference.
I think you just want answers. Or closure. Like....if you go for a walk, you want to have it planned out. To know the starting point, the path and the end. But this doesnt work that way. Theres no way to predict the future. There are no answers to your questions. Remember - YOUR ACTIONS SHAPE YOUR FUTURE. If you ask, will I always be this sad, I cant answer you because if you will it, it can be that way. Or, you can pick yourself up and lead an incredibly happy life. Those choices are up to you.....and they will determine your future. The thing is, the more you focus on the positive, the more it wills that future into existence. Dwelling on these questions only leads to a road of pain and frustration.
Every time you ask yourself a question like this what if W is right? it's the equivalent of smacking your head against the wall. How about you do what I did - attach a rubber band to your wrist and snap it every time you start going down the road of thinking about W....I'll bet it redirects your thoughts pretty quickly. It did for me....
Every time you ask yourself a question like this what if W is right? it's the equivalent of smacking your head against the wall. How about you do what I did - attach a rubber band to your wrist and snap it every time you start going down the road of thinking about W....I'll bet it redirects your thoughts pretty quickly. It did for me....
This is what i did for a short time. My wrist took a beating.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Hasn't been 10 minutes and there are red marks on my wrist. But it seems to work? Not so much the "pain," but just that it's annoying to have to stop and do that, and then I get ticked off and start doing something else.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Thanks for checking in. Yeah, I'm still here, lurking in the shadows, mostly feeling a sense of dejected resignation.
I've written like 3 book-length posts and I just can't find it in me to put them up because, well, it's just a bunch of stuff that proves that I really haven't made any significant changes and I'm still failing to implement all of the good advice I've gotten here.
And I'm not saying this expecting everyone to jump in and say, "No, Burned, it's OK, you're doing great, keep at it man!" More like, I am proud to announce that I am overwhelmingly aware of my many character defects, one of which is that I get hopeless when things get difficult.
It's just turtles all the way down.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Exhausted all day, all I want is to go to bed. Then I get to bed and can’t sleep. Lovely.
This too shall pass. Burned, very sorry, I personally know how much it really blows having walked a mile in your shoes. But here's the good news- you haven't walked the 10 miles in mine, but you will, and it DOES get better. I spent many a night tossing and turning with my mind spinning like crazy. Now? I sleep like a baby, like I don't have a care in the world. Why? Because I don't. Whatever fire life throws at me I know I can handle, because I already crawled through broken glass in a the raging inferno.
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Here’s one for the night owls: what if W is right? She’s not really acting selfish, crazy, or anything. She’s just over it. So maybe she’s right.
Well she is right, in her mind, for now. Here is my question to you and every other LBS here, your W changed her mind from being in love with you to not being in love with you. She CHANGED her mind, meaning she felt one way, now she feels another. What makes you think she can't change it back again? I mean you already have the proof that she can change her mind. Women come out of marriages where there was physical and emotional abuse and even THEY often attempt to recon. So how much better the chance for someone who was a decent husband and just needs some tweaking.
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We were incompatible, and too much damage has already been done...what if I’m the one who’s crazy and selfish for trying to fix this? I mean, sometimes things just don’t work out, and holding out hope is maybe just stubborn and counterproductive.
People around here seem to think hope is a disease, like if they have hope then they are setting themselves up for disappointment and failure. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HOPE. In fact, hope is an amazing thing. I originally had no hope, but then I said to myself "you know what? Some people DO reconcile, so why not me? My chances are as good as anyone's." So whenever I would get down I would stop myself and say "oh wait, this is just temporary because you WILL reconcile." And that hope lifted my spirits, allowed me to find happiness again, drove me to work hard at DB'ing. You already see the obvious irony here, I never did recon. BUT, the thing about hope is it is simply a state of mind. Hope IS what energizes us! NOT the thing we are hoping for, but hope itself. Do you understand what I'm saying? If you hold hope in your heart then it gives you positive energy and keeps you driving forward. I can't say when it happened but my hope changed at some point, from hope to recon to just hope for a better life. It changed from hoping for something I couldn't control to something I could. Never discount the power of hope.
I appreciate the helpful feedback. I don’t really know how to respond.
I filled out D paperwork and I’m just building up the courage to file. I see no other way out of this. Of course I’m not going to do anything until I’ve slept on it for a few days or weeks. I’m going to re-read everything people have told me so far, because it seems like a waste of everyone’s time to just spin through the same questions over and over.
I’m not giving up, just going through a really rough patch. This must be part of the process. I know there’s light at the end of this stupid tunnel.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
When you GAL, 180, and FULLY detach, your life truly gets better. I had a tough time with detachment, but once you get there it helps out a lot. Really strive to be the best you can be without worrying about her. When that happens, life will give you endless possibilities. Minimal chance she'll come back (that's the odds from the beginning), but you'll make somebody else very happy. Life is too short to waste precious time getting stuck into something that will likely not work out (if we are all being honest).
