Wow! I think I just may have blown a gasket had my spouse thrown my lack of marriage duties at me, and for my compassionate, forgiving self, that is saying something. Well done girl!
As you have undoubtably heard this is a marathon and not a sprint, a fact I believe not lost on you. I like your approach, your focus on you and kids, and your filling up that free time. Funny I remember never have much free time before BD, but after, egads there is a lot - well for a while.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
After the affair, I got checked out and I’m fine medically. No gifts that keep giving. 🙌🏽
I think after he told me that he wasn’t happy we were having a Sexathon. It was good sex too. But I haven’t had sex with him in almost 2 weeks. He wants it and he wants it bad. But I refuse. Once he told me he planned to leave and didn’t want to work on the marriage, I cut that off. The last time we slept together he immediately got up and left and went and slept in the other room. I felt like a booty call and I said to myself that, that won’t happen again. He’s getting what he wants and I’m left feeling horrible. He said he’s sorry he’s confusing me and doesn’t want to lead me on, that’s why he went and slept in the other room. So I choose my self respect over allowing him to treat me like a doormat.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Wow! I think I just may have blown a gasket had my spouse thrown my lack of marriage duties at me, and for my compassionate, forgiving self, that is saying something. Well done girl!
As you have undoubtably heard this is a marathon and not a sprint, a fact I believe not lost on you. I like your approach, your focus on you and kids, and your filling up that free time. Funny I remember never have much free time before BD, but after, egads there is a lot - well for a while.
It was really hard to maintain my composure when he said that. I laughed so hard. That really confused him. I wanted to really let him have it. But I figured what good is that going to do. All we will do is end discussing things that he clearly doesn’t care about. I just wanted to get him out of the bed and out of the room. So I remained firm and with an attitude he left. He then sent me a text message from the other room that said “this is so hard”. I replied “you will be fine, good night.”
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
A few more things about my approach, I think it’s working. Friday night I planned an evening out for myself. I treated myself to dinner and a movie.
He tried everything he could to throw me off. He asked where I was going. I told him nothing. He then asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. I politely declined and said I already have plans.
He persisted and continued to ask where I was going. I messed up and told him to a movie (I’m still learning how to detach). I know I shouldn’t have told him that. I won’t do that again. But his response was, what time and not did I buy a ticket for him. I told him none of his bisinsss on the time of the movie and that no I didn’t buy him a ticket.
He sat in the bathroom and watched me put my makeup on. He told me how good I looked good to him. He said I can tell your loosing weight. He then again said how good I looked to him said he wanted me so bad right now. I continued to get dressed. He got mad, I guess because I didn’t respond the way he wanted. He said it’s [censored] that he has to watch me get all dressed up to go out without him.
When I left he wouldn’t even look at me and just said have a good time and be careful. The next morning I woke up and he was lying next to me. I asked what the heck he was doing in the bed. He said, I’m not touching you so I’m behaving. I just needed to be close to you. He then was very curious about my evening. How was the movie...blah blah blah. I swear it’s all very weird. For a man so sure he is no longer in love with me, he’s acting like a sick puppy.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
[quote=Grace21]I have been GAL, I’ve gone out alone a couple of times and he was definitely curious. He wanted to make sure I was wearing my wedding ring and asked me what would I do if a guy approached me. I asked him what would make him think a guy would approach me. His response was come on now, you’re beautiful. So when I say it’s weird, it’s weird. It’s like he’s having a hard time letting go of someone he claims he’s no longer in love with.
This is projection. They think the only reasons to go out socializing without their spouse is to find other people. Which it sounds like he did in Hawaii. My H told me he wouldn't blame me if I wanted to date. He knows that in the 28+ years I've known him I never allowed myself to let another man think I'm open to something more than polite chit chat. He obviously can't say the same.
You will have difficult days ahead. Start your process of detachment and GAL, and each day will become a pinch easier. We are all here for you.
[quote=Grace21]I have been GAL, I’ve gone out alone a couple of times and he was definitely curious. He wanted to make sure I was wearing my wedding ring and asked me what would I do if a guy approached me. I asked him what would make him think a guy would approach me. His response was come on now, you’re beautiful. So when I say it’s weird, it’s weird. It’s like he’s having a hard time letting go of someone he claims he’s no longer in love with.
This is projection. They think the only reasons to go out socializing without their spouse is to find other people. Which it sounds like he did in Hawaii. My H told me he wouldn't blame me if I wanted to date. He knows that in the 28+ years I've known him I never allowed myself to let another man think I'm open to something more than polite chit chat. He obviously can't say the same.
You will have difficult days ahead. Start your process of detachment and GAL, and each day will become a pinch easier. We are all here for you.
What you said makes sense. I’m sure if I went out and did anything remotely close to cheating, that would help him justify his behavior. I refuse to do that. I took my marriage vows seriously. There’s no way I will give him the satisfaction of being able to say, you did it to. I told him if this marriage does end, I’ll walk away with the piece of mind of knowing that I remained faithful and loyal to him until the end. I refuse to have that karma on me.
He has said I deserve better and that I deserve the best. I told him he’s right. He said I have been the best wife and he doesn’t deserve me.
You’re right that I have difficult days ahead. Although it hurts, I will says since I’ve taken my power back, it’s getting a tiny bit easier. Thanks so much for your support. I’m so glad I found this place!
Hugs to everyone going through this madness!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Your H is in full pursuit. Just keep doing what you are doing. He made the declaration that is contrary to the integrity of your marriage. He is also displaying behaviours that go with that.
I like that you are working on detachment so consciously. It is a much needed place for you and your healing. Likewise, all the advice, rules, suggestions, right and wrongs, are all for you and your healing - they are not a manipulation nor a way to fix your H or marriage. They do give you the best chance for H to find his way out of his ness. I think you know that, however reenforcement of these ideas i found was good to hear.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Your H is in full pursuit. Just keep doing what you are doing. He made the declaration that is contrary to the integrity of your marriage. He is also displaying behaviours that go with that.
I like that you are working on detachment so consciously. It is a much needed place for you and your healing. Likewise, all the advice, rules, suggestions, right and wrongs, are all for you and your healing - they are not a manipulation nor a way to fix your H or marriage. They do give you the best chance for H to find his way out of his ness. I think you know that, however reenforcement of these ideas i found was good to hear.
DnJ
Yes it’s hard but it seems to be working. I just got back from doing some shopping and he told me that I look beautiful and that he still wants it. I just laughed and kept it moving. I do pray for him and pray that he finds his way out of the tunnel. However until then, my focus is on my well being and the well being of my children. They are older so they are taking things pretty well. I’m so proud of those little humans. They encourage me and they encourage him also.
I forgot to mention our ages. I missed that question from upthread. I’m 42 and he will be 46 in a few months.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
