So yesterday I came home from work and took the kids to gymnastics. WW was having a mutual girlfriend over for dinner, and they cooked while I was out.
The girlfriend had informed me beforehand, of the fact that she found WWs behaviour repulsive, and that whenever she (WW) was seeking advice regarding her situation, she wouldn't listen, when the advice she got, was not compatible with her view on what was right to do - so the mutual friend was really fed up with her. She told me, that she was going to tell her straight yesterday night - I had dinner with them, which was surprisingly fun. We all had a good and light conversation. The mutual friend of ours, asked what I was doing for New Years eve, because if I didn't have plans, I should come and celebrate with them - WW instantly said, that we could just bring the kids fold-up-beds, and then we could all play games, eat dinner and celebrate (me and friend just looked at each other, cause nobody invited her in the first place - however she still acts like "its family time").
I left to GAL with some friends after having tugged in the kids, and left them to talk. Our friend texted me later, and told me that WW is not mad at me for having taken her things and moved them out of the bedroom, only problem is that it is hard for her to find her stuff when she needs them - but she understands how I need to get some space from her (what does this mean?)
She also said, that OM had texted her yesterday and once again "spread a doubt about wether he wanted to be with her or not", WW had said that he was clearly using her for his own needs, and would throw her away again as soon as he got bored, as he had already done twice - WW said that it was because he was confused. They apparently are going to meet in the near future and talk things through (Guess round 3 is inbound).
This morning, she hardly said anything, she even passed right by me, without saying good morning. She is acting really cold and distant, and I seem to be a nuisance to her at the moment.
I am finding it hard to figure out how to 180 correct since: being reserved, not telling her how I feel, not flirting enough and not showing her affection has been things she pointed out was missing, and was things she needed.
But it goes against the principles of showing her that im moving on, to give her those things, so how do i show her that i've changed, and am able to do those things but at the same time, i don't? I really need advice on how to 180 that behaviour.
Thank you.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
You can chase her but she wants to be with another man, sorry to tell you. So doing that you’ll push her away. It’s time to became amoafwl (a man only a fool would leave) and show her what she’ll miss. Keep DB at the max, the chance is there. Detach, GAL and move forward H.
Stay strong!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I am finding it hard to figure out how to 180 correct since: being reserved, not telling her how I feel, not flirting enough and not showing her affection has been things she pointed out was missing, and was things she needed.
WTF? She is choosing another man over you who is apparently a Dbag. This is not a competition she is your W. Why are you having dinner with them? Sorry this is harsh but the lack of respect you have for yourself is troubling.
You have to find a way to get your mojo back. She has 0 respect for you and if she doesn't respect you she will never love you.
The girlfriend had informed me beforehand, of the fact that she found WWs behaviour repulsive, and that whenever she (WW) was seeking advice regarding her situation, she wouldn't listen, when the advice she got, was not compatible with her view on what was right to do - so the mutual friend was really fed up with her. She told me, that she was going to tell her straight yesterday night -
WHAT???? Why are you talking to W's gf? STOP THAT! Do not discuss your situation with ANY mutual friends. Come here or talk to someone who has no connection to your W.
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I had dinner with them, which was surprisingly fun. We all had a good and light conversation. The mutual friend of ours, asked what I was doing for New Years eve, because if I didn't have plans, I should come and celebrate with them - WW instantly said, that we could just bring the kids fold-up-beds, and then we could all play games, eat dinner and celebrate (me and friend just looked at each other, cause nobody invited her in the first place - however she still acts like "its family time").
So you kicked her out of the MBR and bathroom, actually moved her stuff out yourself, and now you're having a fun dinner and good conversation with her and her bestie. Does this sound like consistent behavior to you? Because to me it sounds like you are sending some very confusing mixed signals out.
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Our friend texted me later, and told me that WW is not mad at me for having taken her things and moved them out of the bedroom, only problem is that it is hard for her to find her stuff when she needs them - but she understands how I need to get some space from her (what does this mean?)
You kicked her out and she thinks you did it because you need space. What's hard to understand? Oh and in case I didn't say it loud enough STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR SITCH TO HER GF.
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I am finding it hard to figure out how to 180 correct since: being reserved, not telling her how I feel, not flirting enough and not showing her affection has been things she pointed out was missing, and was things she needed.
What you have to understand is she is a lying, cheating, WAS. She's telling you these things not because she wants you to fix them, but because she wants to lay the blame for her affair and bad choices on your doorstep. These are NOT things you want to 180 on right now, to her it will just look pathetic, desperate and like "too little too late". Plus it would just be inviting her to make you a doormat.
I can see how it is a complete retard move to set boundaries (kicking her out), to then follow it up by having a meal with her and our mutual friend the following day - however we are eating dinner together everyday for the kids sake.
I need to grab myself by the b@lls, and stop doing what I think she wants me to do - I need to 180 on that nice guy behaviour, and then do things that I enjoy for my sake, not hers. I have been having problems eating right for a long time due to chronic illness, and therefore I have been skinny and well not really taking good care of myself.
For the past 3 months since she broke the news, I have been heading to the gym 4 - 5 times a week and it has been my main GAL activity. I have gained 8-10 kg's of body mass, and due to low body fat, my workouts are really showing on my body which is a huge confidence boost. I have been engaging in small talk with some really attractive ladies at the gym, whom I would have never dared engaging just 4 months ago due to low self esteem.
Today she asked me to to groceries for her, and yesterday and all the days before, I would had just said "yes of course", however today I told her "I have plans with the kids, and you need to do them yourself", she then sent 3 texts and I just replied once with a "thank you" because she said, "I hope you have a good time, doing whatever you are going to do".
She has been trying to engage in ALOT of small talk tonight - saying how it will be nice for the kids to go to a larger city once we split up, because they will have more friends and better opportunities so basically she said it is a blessing that she decided to end the family life here.
She also thinks it is really nice that the broker valuated the house at a better price than we paid for it, so that she can get on her merry way with no debt. She asked if it wasn't wonderful - I said "I can understand how you feel that, however I don't feel the same, since I see the cost to the broker of 12.000 dollars as a complete waste of money we had been saving up. She didn't really care about that, she just wanted to get on with her life now.
I try to just listen to her when she talks, however I try to spend as little time in the same room as her as possible, and just acting content and happy when I am in the house.
Is there anything else I should be aware of / be doing differently?
I really really appreciate all the input and guidance, also the rough ones because I then clearly know that I did something wrong.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
For the past 3 months since she broke the news, I have been heading to the gym 4 - 5 times a week and it has been my main GAL activity. I have gained 8-10 kg's of body mass, and due to low body fat, my workouts are really showing on my body which is a huge confidence boost. I have been engaging in small talk with some really attractive ladies at the gym, whom I would have never dared engaging just 4 months ago due to low self esteem.
This is good stuff. You should be exercising your mind, body and soul everyday.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
Today she asked me to to groceries for her, and yesterday and all the days before, I would had just said "yes of course", however today I told her "I have plans with the kids, and you need to do them yourself", she then sent 3 texts and I just replied once with a "thank you" because she said, "I hope you have a good time, doing whatever you are going to do".
Great! "I have plans with kids" is a better answer.
I just want you to know that know matter what you think there is not anything you can do to change this around RIGHT NOW. You can really only make things worse. Take your W out of the equation. All you focus is on you and the kids.
Stay strong and take it one day at a time. I promise you that you will survive this and thrive if you do the work.
I need to grab myself by the b@lls, and stop doing what I think she wants me to do - I need to 180 on that nice guy behaviour, and then do things that I enjoy for my sake, not hers.
That's the stuff!
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For the past 3 months since she broke the news, I have been heading to the gym 4 - 5 times a week and it has been my main GAL activity. I have gained 8-10 kg's of body mass, and due to low body fat, my workouts are really showing on my body which is a huge confidence boost. I have been engaging in small talk with some really attractive ladies at the gym, whom I would have never dared engaging just 4 months ago due to low self esteem.
That's awesome too! Keep it up!
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She has been trying to engage in ALOT of small talk tonight - saying how it will be nice for the kids to go to a larger city once we split up, because they will have more friends and better opportunities so basically she said it is a blessing that she decided to end the family life here.
OK, well we do encourage listening and validating but to be clear, that doesn't extend to when she's spouting crap like this. I would be inclined to find something to do out in the garage if she starts talking like this.
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I try to just listen to her when she talks, however I try to spend as little time in the same room as her as possible, and just acting content and happy when I am in the house
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Good.
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Is there anything else I should be aware of / be doing differently?
Just keep in mind it's a long, long road. You are only a few months in which no doubt feels like forever to you, but it will take her many more months or a year or more to change her mind about you. So be patient, don't look for a lot of positive signs from her anytime soon, but don't let the negative signs bring you down because it's only a reflection of how she feels right now. It can and probably will change later.
Today was a tough day. I have spoken to our mutual friend, and told her that I no longer want / need information about WW, as it is actually not a help but it keeps me caught instead of being able to detach and find my self again.
She could see how that made sense, and promised not to relay any information regarding WW in the future, unless it was something that would be harmful to me or the kids.
She did text me (and thats when I replied the above), that WW and OM are meeting today in a forest to talk about their relationship, and that OM wants a third chance. This morning WW only had 5 minutes to help with the kids, because she was busy making herself "ready" in the bathroom. I tried not to mind and just have fun with the kids and make them ready for daycare.
When she came out of the bathroom, she looked amazing (hard to not see - yea im still detached i know, and I am working on it every day). She asked me about what my day would bring, and that today was going to be a long day at work, but her and her female colleagues would stay at school all day and have a great and fun day (yea this is when I really get angry, there is no need to lie and manipulate - I know this is the WW way, but it still hurts).
I am having a really hard time figuring out how to be around her, and maybe I am being a fool, maybe I am not understanding things right, but do I ignore her, when she asks me about things such as smalltalk and my job and whatnot? The last evenings I have been coming home from the gym and just headed straight to bed instead of staying in the living room with her - Is this what I should do ? I am still a bit confused. She is acting like she is just going to work, coming back home and being a family (cake-eating I know)... Or do I just answer short but in a happy mood?
I dont trust her one bit at this stage, I know I am in for the long run, I know I want to R as of now, but I am beginning to feel like I might be shifting - and therefore I need to attend to my needs, but I also have hope for the fact that she wakes up and wants to fight to get back on track (yes it would be her that had to prove that over a long time).
Today I am going to have fun with the kids, go to the park and feed the ducks, then dinner and when WW gets home I will be going to the gym. After gym I will be going straight to bed, I don't want to hear about her day (is this right?)
I feel like detaching = Having to ignore her requests to smalltalk, going around acting like she does not exist, even though we are in the same room?? I might be going about this wrong.
I feel more happy at the moment, looking forward to doing things on my own.
She requested that we waited till after christmas to put the house for sale, do I honor that request (if she wants to move out, she does the dirty work?) or do I push for a sale now, to show her that I am moving on ?
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
You don´t have to show her you are moving on H...you must move on now. Reinforce the GAL, get time for yourself. Don´t stay waiting for her and her schedule. She must face some family obligations too and you use that time to GAL, I mean GAL, not going to gym, GAL, catching butterflies, enlisting into volunteer firefighters or singing in a chorus. Get some social GAL by yourself, not a kids related activity.
Treat her like a good neighbour, smile but avoid her the more you can. No R talks, she is really WW. She is not your W now, she is not your friend, sorry man. She is the mother of your kids now. Hope she is able to acomplish the role.
Be there for your kids, but stand for yourself. You have the tools to get respect back, but it´s up to you. You are in control of your life. Get the strength and start moving forward.
I was a WW husband sometime ago. Of course I´m not proud of my behavior but let me say you that I recovered respect back for my wife when I saw her standing for herself, moving on and being the lighthouse for my family.
Stay strong H. You can do it. Go!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I recovered respect back for my wife when I saw her standing for herself, moving on and being the lighthouse for my family.
HEAD SHOT
Above all you need to show her a man she can respect, even if she doesn't like your actions. Who will she respect? A man that respects himself! Ask yourself what that looks like....then do it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
