Thanks for the input everyone. I purposely haven't been on for a few days.
Nothing new happening. W has signed her lease. Is paying rent at the new place. But currently still living at our current home in the spare room. More logistical than anything as kids are temporarily going to different parts of town at the same time and it would be impossible for either of us to accomplish this by ourselves.
Had a couple of discussions regarding D settlement issues. Have made some progress. Large ones are still looming. Funny. These seem to be the easiest for me to deal with and the toughest for her. Her constant comments about "Men, all they care about is money". Are humorous since that is ALL she is focused on during this. Dogs, who cares, furniture, split it, but you are asking me to pay some part of a bill? how dare you! We are married! Believe nothing they say.
It will only be days now until she is moved. No set date, but I imagine it will be before Thanksgiving, or very shortly thereafter.
We haven't fought. Except one bad discussion during one of the settlement talks. We ended it too late and we had both already taken our jabs. One very sad and heartfelt meeting when we were talking more on the emotional stuff dealing with the kids, dogs, etc. and how it is going to affect them. We both were very emotional. Although not reaching out physically, we both reached out mentally and supported one another as best we could. It was an emotional discussion and just felt both so normal to have that with her yet so unreal to have her refer and treat me like someone she cares about. We didn't dwell. Just got through it and moved on.
She has made a few comments on how she doesn't know how she is going to make it. I validate and move on. I'm not taking the bait on this one. Her choice. Not my problem. My only concern is our children. They are doing well. I'm concerned on the holiday situation and I am assuming that she will be gone and it will be an "exchange" type of holiday. Half with them, half without. I just want them to have fun and spend time with them. Christmas was always magic at our home! Christmas eve, great dinner, music, hanging out together then of course Christmas morning with waking up coming down stairs to the tree, the pageantry, the fun, their eyes filled with joy.
New memories moving forward!
Nothing else to report. Work is ok, need to get into that more (probably after thanksgiving". Still working out and a few GAL activities. No real bad days for awhile. Its still in my mind and I imagine it will be for sometime as the time does its thing and fades the pain, hurt and moves the heart on.
I still get dumbfounded at times at what she does. She made my favorite home made dinner on Sunday. She can't eat it, my daughter doesn't, son does so it was just for he and I. Don't know why she did. Maybe it is her way of just saying goodbye. Watching her slowly take things out of our home is distressing. At first, I was very upset. Now, after almost a month of "little here, little there" she has taken nothing big (it's coming soon) but now its just no big deal.
I believe I will be better once she is gone. I know it will not be easy, but I know just from her moving into the spare room for 3 weeks not that I have detached so much better. The connection of us sleeping in the same bed gave me so much false hope. I'm seeing her now more as a person and not my wife and partner. Her flaws, always there, are more pronounced. I see her still losing weight (dangerously thin, bmi has her anorexic). She is pale, sleeping all the time, complaining about her health yet never wanting to discuss or share so I don't know what is really going on. She has her old go to and standby's if she wants to blame anything and I wouldn't know if it was true or not other than the fact I have been with her for over 20 years and have taken care of her through all of the health stuff for over 10. No idea how she is going to handle this on her own.
Back to the day at hand!
As always, any comments are encouraged. This is a rough part of this journey and I think it will become darker as it happens prior to the light reshining again. Please, reach out and give even the smallest feedback.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
But I seriously dislike when my W rewrites history. She actually brought up a "situation" that happened just a few weeks into us dating and said that "should have told her right then how it was going to be". Really? First off. FIRST time I ever heard you had any sort of issue with that and it wasn't even an issue! I have gotten way better at not arguing back with her about this part of it, but sometimes it just gets old. You've been miserable for 21 years, I get it. The worst day of your life was when you met me and every day since, I get it. You can't wait to leave and be "rid of me", I get it (last one was not a re-writing, but seriously, I hear you, you are leaving).
Another part is that I am actually looking forward to the split. Mentioned this in the last post. This will drastically help me with the finality of detachment AND help me to move forward. Am I fearful that my STBXW will stumble many times coming out of the gate financially? Absolutely. Is it wrong to in one way look forward to her having to deal with budgets, jobs, kids, issues all by herself? Also, is it wrong that I am totally split on how I want it to go? Meaning. Somedays I want to picture her at the door, knocking, I open the door and she falls into my arms, we embrace, talk and who knows what from there. Somedays I just picture her stuck, crying and too proud to reach out even though she misses "our family and us" (eventually). Somedays I picture her stuck, crying and also not even wanting to reach out to me since she is done. Finally, there is a part of me that wishes her the best! That she will thrive for herself an our children. I know that seems totally weird and off the wall. But it is how I feel.
Looking at her know and seeing her off of the pedestal that I put her is truly revealing to me on a lot of levels. She is spoiled and selfish. She is no doubt aesthetically beautiful in every sense of the word. When she wants to be, she is a great person on the inside as well. Unfortunately, all I see now if the bad part of her. She gets so frustrated when I am just asking a question about our kids. It always goes back to her bringing up the past and how bad things always were.
I would love to tell all of you that I am done. I do know that this is going to happen. I am prepared. I am hoping the darkness will be short lived since we have been going through this for so long. If I thought there was a thread of light that could make it through, I would do all I could to make it happen. Alas it will not.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
I guess this is it. Headed out of town with the kids (just myself and them) for the holiday week. Wife is moving during this time and we will be living separately. I wish I was typing a bunch of different words here. Nothing much else to say yet so much left to say.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Hang in there Dtrmined. Enjoy your time with your kids. Focus on them and on yourself.
You can do this!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
The week out with the kids was great! We had fun. One or two little incidents with attitudes, but when doesn't that happen. I made sure the kids were in contact with their Mom. We never spoke the entire week. It was weird, good and sad all at the same time.
She moved to her new place last week as well and began staying there. The kids and I got home on Saturday and we spend the night in our home, then their Mom came and got them on Sunday morning. I left the home to make it easier on everyone.
W and I had a small conversation on my return. It was pleasant. She actually talked about missing things and how its going to be difficult. At one point she said that it might be better to work things out. I didn't jump. I validated and listened. I'm sure its just a temp check and an initial down from missing the kids.
I did mention that we need to get everything finalized and filed. She, of course, acted as it she hadn't thought of anything (which may be true) while we were gone.
I cannot state any longer that my family is together in the same house. I can honestly say that my anxiety has diminished. I just miss my family. Keeping busy. GAL all the way.
Talked to my S briefly last night so that felt good.
Working through each day moving forward one step at a time. I am a good person. I am a good father. I have actual value in this world to offer.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
At one point she said that it might be better to work things out. I didn't jump. I validated and listened.
GOOD! Very well done.
Originally Posted by Dtrmned
I did mention that we need to get everything finalized and filed. She, of course, acted as it she hadn't thought of anything (which may be true) while we were gone.
Not so good. My guess is that you didn't really mean that (because you could always file yourself) and were temp checking her to see if she had moved anything forward. Remember. Listen and validate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve. Thanks for the response. I always value your input.
I am serious about filing. I'm emailing her today. We have almost everything worked out except the big things (of course). Here are the options I am sending:
1) We hopefully agree and file jointly.
2) We don't agree, but still file jointly and move it forward.
3) I file.
Our conversation this weekend briefly touched on the fact that we need to get this done so we can move on to the being the best co-parents we can be for our kids. Questions keep coming up that in the past would have been easy. Now they are difficult since we aren't a team any longer. Just the tip of the iceberg I know, but I want to get this big stuff done so we can all move on and my kids can get some stability.
Do you think the email is appropriate? I am staying as dark, but some things need to either keep or just get moving.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
I am resigned to that fact though as I see no other alternative.
I know that regardless, I will be fine and my kids will be fine. I am just tired. My career has suffered over the last 18 months immensely and I just need to get that back going. Her issues are just that, her issues. If we are still married, separated or not, I don't know how to do that and I believe I will be sucked back in and used more.
does that make any sense whatsoever?
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
