You are competing with a fantasy. Most LBS do not act quick enough, or use the wrong tactics at the wrong time.
The key is making changes for you. Hopefully H notices and is attracted to what he sees.
You will be going down several parallel paths, including:
Preparing for D and protecting yourself. Changing the way you interact with H. Personal growth. I lump lots of stuff into this includes new communication skills etc.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You are competing with a fantasy. Most LBS do not act quick enough, or use the wrong tactics at the wrong time.
The key is making changes for you. Hopefully H notices and is attracted to what he sees.
You will be going down several parallel paths, including:
Preparing for D and protecting yourself. Changing the way you interact with H. Personal growth. I lump lots of stuff into this includes new communication skills etc.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Right now you are plan B.
You are competing with a fantasy. Most LBS do not act quick enough, or use the wrong tactics at the wrong time.
The key is making changes for you. Hopefully H notices and is attracted to what he sees.
You will be going down several parallel paths, including:
Preparing for D and protecting yourself. Changing the way you interact with H. Personal growth. I lump lots of stuff into this includes new communication skills etc.
You are most likely correct. That痴 why the changes I知 making, I知 making them for myself. If he notices those changes and becomes attracted to the person I become, that would be great. However, if nothing changes, I値l still come out of this a better person. You can稚 do the work on self for others, that makes it inauthentic.
He is noticing that I知 loosing weight and says that I look beautiful. So I知 sure he will notice. However it just feels good that I知 less focused on him and more focused on myself. I知 not perfect but I知 proud of where I知 at in this process currently. If it comes to divorce that will be so hard but in the end, I will survive.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
H is still pursuing me like crazy. I am still rejecting his sexual advances. Last night he wanted to talk to me and I decided to just listen. He told me that:
* He wants out of this marriage * He no longer has "it" for me * He feels like he doesn't know who he is * He feels like he has lost his identity in this marriage * He thought he could make it work but he just can't...but he is sorry * He said our marriage became routine and he never wanted it to become that * He said we didn't have sex enough and it was not spontaneous enough * He keeps hearing male friends say that they go on male get-away trips together. He said he has never taken a guys trip and would love to do that * He told me that the marriage just isn't what he expected * He says sometimes he feels that spark for me and sometimes he doesn't. He doesn't know how to make it stay * He said he has basically been doing the things I like just so he can be with me. However, he doesn't like to do the things that I enjoy * He said I am a good woman and have been a great wife and I'll find someone else to love me because I deserve that * He said so much has happened over the years that he just doesn't have it in him anymore to be in this marriage * He said not to mention that the internal stuff he is been ignoring hasn't even been brought to the light yet * He loves me but he is just curious what else may be out there for him because this just isn't working for him * He admitted that the times where he's been the sole provider have weighed on him, even though he told me things were ok. Back story-My husband allowed me not to work while I focused on finishing my degree. I was unemployed for a year and a half. I am now working. However, I am just starting with the second job. * He said the affair last year opened his eyes that he wasn't happy. The trip to Hawaii a few months ago gave him time to really think about how unhappy he was. He made the decision then that he wanted out.
I asked my husband why he never shared some of these things with me. I said how would I know what to fix if I didn't know anything was wrong. He said it wasn't easy to talk to me about it.
I then made a huge mistake, I'm human, so please don't judge me too harshly. I first thanked him for opening up to me. I thanked him for being honest with me. Here is where I made the mistake and broke the rules...
I told him that he had unrealistic expectations for what he wants in a spouse and a marriage. I told him he wants a woman that looks good all the time and is ready to have sex on a whim. I guess she is not supposed to be a mother and have a life. She just needs to be ready to have sex with you when you like.
I then pointed out that it doesn't seem like he is willing or has what it takes to make a long-term relationship work. I told him he expects all his needs and wants to be met but isn't willing to do the work to satisfy his spouse's needs and wants. He is very one-sided.
I told him that he wants a woman that is fun and spontaneous, yet he is boring. He doesn't initiate date nights or anything.
I told him that he wants a woman that maintains her weight and appearance, yet he isn't maintaining his.
So needless to say, I know I shouldn't have said all of that. I am still in the process at Detaching, so I am a work in progress.
I will say that some of what I am doing is working. Because he said it's weird, he doesn't feel like he has that spark for me anymore but lately, he has been wanting me real bad.
And after that conversation last night, I was woken up at 2:30 in the morning to him in my bed (our former bed, he sleeps in the other room). You'll never guess what he was doing. Yes, you guessed it, trying to have sex with me.
So how is it possible that you want to have sex with the woman you're ready to leave, are no longer attracted too, isn't doing it for you anymore, and who you are no longer in love with.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
You get a pass for saying all those things that are true BTW.
The best thing to do right now is have the attitude of "good luck finding happiness" and GAL like a mad woman.
As for the sex, a man will try to have sex if he can when the house is on fire. Do not put any stock in him trying to have sex with you. He is trying to manipulate you.
There is a very good chance he comes to his senses if you completely let him go.
So how is it possible that you want to have sex with the woman you're ready to leave, are no longer attracted too, isn't doing it for you anymore, and who you are no longer in love with.
It is called control. I am not sure he believes the garbage he spewed at you. My guess is that when he said thing like that to you in the past, you bent over backwards to make him happy. You cooked his favorite foods. Bought him gifts. Gave him sex.
So now when he wants something he tells you things like that to scare you into submission.
Also, I see nothing wrong with much of what you said. Though I would like to know what you said to him at 2:30am. Preferably something like: "You just told me you were firing me as your W, and now you are in here expecting sex like a H would?!? Get the heck out of here right now."
Men can have sex with a hole in the wall. (Quoting Dr. Laura here.) We are interesting creatures. Our sexual discrimination is very low, but we think that if a woman lets us have sex with her then she must love us.So can a man have sex with someone he doesn't love? Absolutely. Does he believe a woman can? Absolutely not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You get a pass for saying all those things that are true BTW.
The best thing to do right now is have the attitude of "good luck finding happiness" and GAL like a mad woman.
As for the sex, a man will try to have sex if he can when the house is on fire. Do not put any stock in him trying to have sex with you. He is trying to manipulate you.
There is a very good chance he comes to his senses if you completely let him go.
LH19, you are absolutely right. A man will try to have sex with you no matter what. However, I am holding firm, he won't be getting any sex from me. I have and will continue to reject his sexual advances.
As for the GAL like a mad woman, I am already on top of it. I am going tomorrow to the gym close to our house and signing up for a membership. I have also made a list of things that I have been wanting to do but have put off because of him. I am calling my list my end of 2018 bucket list. I'll continue with new things next year, I just really wanted to fill my calendar up for the remainder of the year. I am actually proud of the progress that I am making.
I can tell the detachment and me GAL is working because he is watching me like a hawk.
I am not sure if he will come to his senses or not. One can never know. He did go to his first therapy appointment today. So that's good for him.
My goal is to of course GAL and be a mystery. However, I also want to make sure that if we do end up in D court, that I put in the work and did all I could. That lets me walk away with peace of mind rather than regrets.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
So how is it possible that you want to have sex with the woman you're ready to leave, are no longer attracted too, isn't doing it for you anymore, and who you are no longer in love with.
It is called control. I am not sure he believes the garbage he spewed at you. My guess is that when he said thing like that to you in the past, you bent over backwards to make him happy. You cooked his favorite foods. Bought him gifts. Gave him sex.
So now when he wants something he tells you things like that to scare you into submission.
Also, I see nothing wrong with much of what you said. Though I would like to know what you said to him at 2:30 am. Preferably something like: "You just told me you were firing me as your W, and now you are in here expecting sex like a H would?!? Get the heck out of here right now."
Men can have sex with a hole in the wall. (Quoting Dr. Laura here.) We are interesting creatures. Our sexual discrimination is very low, but we think that if a woman lets us have sex with her then she must love us.So can a man have sex with someone he doesn't love? Absolutely. Does he believe a woman can? Absolutely not.
Steve85, thank you for the male perspective on sex. I truly appreciate that. As a woman it is hard for me to think of having sex with someone I am not attracted to. Especially at this age. However, you are correct and my therapist said the same thing. She said when a man has sex with a woman he thinks she loves him. My husband keeps telling me daily that he "still loves me". He also says he knows that I still love him. However, I haven't uttered the words I love you in 2 weeks.
Oh and when he said some of the same things to me last year during the affair, I bent over backwards for him. He's never really said these things prior to that, but you are correct.
At 2:30 in the morning, I asked him what the He&% he was doing in the bed with me. He said he had to use the restroom so he climbed in the bed after that. I told him he passed up the hall restroom when he came into our room. As he persisted to touch all on me, I told him to get up and go to bed, that I wasn't interested. I may have been a little too sleepy to remind him what he said the night before. lol. He let out a big sigh (like a little kid), left the room and I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Earlier today before we both left for the day, he asked for a hug. I went in to give him a hug and he tried to kiss me. I turned my face. I told him to listen, I am trying to give you a hug as you asked. I said a hug is just a hug, it doesn't come with a kiss. I told him that I was setting a boundary that he can only hug me like you would hug a stranger or someone at church. I said no full on body to body contact. Just a friendly hug. He asked me was I serious. I said yes. I then demonstrated to him what I was talking about. He was shocked. He left the room in tears. I will admit that I felt bad because my intention wasn't to make him cry. I asked him why he was crying and apologized for his tears. He said I didn't do anything wrong and that he was going to miss me. He then left. I have never seen this man cry this much. We went from me only seeing him cry when his father died to him crying off and on for the past few weeks,
Last edited by Living; 11/08/1808:57 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I told him that he had unrealistic expectations for what he wants in a spouse and a marriage. I told him he wants a woman that looks good all the time and is ready to have sex on a whim. I guess she is not supposed to be a mother and have a life. She just needs to be ready to have sex with you when you like.
I then pointed out that it doesn't seem like he is willing or has what it takes to make a long-term relationship work. I told him he expects all his needs and wants to be met but isn't willing to do the work to satisfy his spouse's needs and wants. He is very one-sided.
I told him that he wants a woman that is fun and spontaneous, yet he is boring. He doesn't initiate date nights or anything.
I told him that he wants a woman that maintains her weight and appearance, yet he isn't maintaining his.
Nothing wrong with this. I believe these are true statements. The Truth will set you free. If he listens or not is his issue.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
As a woman it is hard for me to think of having sex with someone I am not attracted to.
One bull elk will breed with 100 cows. He is attracted to all the females. All the females are only attracted to him and do not breed with any of the beta elk.
Females are very selective. Males not so much.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Here are words to use if need (or communicated non-verbally to him in your actions)
Originally Posted by Living
He wants out of this marriage
W:"I agree, this is not working for me either"
Quote
* He no longer has "it" for me
W:"I understand. I don't see why we are still together. We both deserve to be happy"
Quote
* He feels like he doesn't know who he is * He feels like he has lost his identity in this marriage * He said not to mention that the internal stuff he is been ignoring hasn't even been brought to the light yet
W:"I agree. I think it is best if you figure that out without me."
Quote
* He thought he could make it work but he just can't...but he is sorry
W:"I see many solutions to our problems. If this is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"
Quote
* He said our marriage became routine and he never wanted it to become that
W:"I agree. I want more excitement in my life."
Quote
* He said we didn't have sex enough and it was not spontaneous enough
W:"I agree. I am looking forward to a better sex life"
Quote
* He told me that the marriage just isn't what he expected
W:"This is not what I expected either. I never want to find myself in the situation again."
Quote
* He says sometimes he feels that spark for me and sometimes he doesn't. He doesn't know how to make it stay
W:"I don't know how to make it stay either. I look forward to that feeling again."
Quote
* He said he has basically been doing the things I like just so he can be with me. However, he doesn't like to do the things that I enjoy
W"I am glad you are being honest with me. Hopefully you enjoy doing things you like."
Quote
* He said I am a good woman and have been a great wife and I'll find someone else to love me because I deserve that
W:"You are right. I deserve someone to love me."
Quote
* He said so much has happened over the years that he just doesn't have it in him anymore to be in this marriage
W:"I can't believe we made it this long. I wish marriage wasn't this hard."
Quote
* He loves me but he is just curious what else may be out there for him because this just isn't working for him
"I am sorry you feel that way. I hope you find what you are looking for."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
