When it comes to the kids stick to " I will not lie to the kids" stop the "it's your decision". It reinforces to her that this is her fault and you are blaming her. Remember in her warped mind this is your fault.
Got it. I will stick to my guns without further justification. No need to go further, like you said she will blame me regardless.
Originally Posted by LH19
No more "there will be no future OW". That is just going to extend your chance at recon. Unfortunately it's most likely going to be when your in a relationship until she turns around and says "holy $hit he's not waiting for me anymore. This is where you should with a smirk say something like "I plan to date many women so I'm not sure I can bring them around my mom".
This one is harder because that is how I feel. Probably should have kept that part to myself, and stuck with more of a mind your own business.
Originally Posted by LH19
Lastly, this one is going to be a little harsh. "Call me if you need anything" WTF? She's out most likely with OM (don't be naive) her friends will cover for her. I know what your thinking, if I just show her how much I care she will see this and change her mind. Actually it works the opposite she looks at it as she is Ding you and you are still working trying to win her approval so that actually lowers your value in her eyes.
The best attitude to have right now is " oh you want to D me and you're going to find someone better then me? Lol good luck with that.
Call me if you need anything is out of habit, but your right that needs to stop. Strong intel says she was not with OM last night just with friends. Friday was another story.... This part of the whole pre-D is just disgusting. She used to have high moral integrity, now she is extremely selfish, now she lies, seeing OM before she is D, before she is even out of the house. If feel like I could get seriously ill or injured tomorrow and she could give two sh!ts. She is basically 180 of the person she used to be. Just disgusting.
Originally Posted by LH19
No more snooping! The money should be locked down and what she's doing is none of your business anymore. Once she's out the real work and detachment begins.
Stay strong my friend!
My money is locked down. I shouldn't have snooped, I failed in this regard.
It's coming down to the wire and I feel like I am slipping up a bit. Thanks for the advice LH.
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/04/1801:49 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
No more "there will be no future OW". That is just going to extend your chance at recon. Unfortunately it's most likely going to be when your in a relationship until she turns around and says "holy $hit he's not waiting for me anymore. This is where you should with a smirk say something like "I plan to date many women so I'm not sure I can bring them around my mom".
This one is harder because that is how I feel. Probably should have kept that part to myself, and stuck with more of a mind your own business.
This is how you feel right now. To steal a line from AS that he quotes from the show Vikings " TF if you only knew what the Gods had in store for you in the future, you would dance naked on the beach right now". You will want to date in the future. Men who have their $hit together are in high demand. Especially at your age.
TF, LH made some great points but I just wanted to extend a congrats your way. The way you handled things this weekend was a huge improvement over last. Keep up the good work and don’t beat yourself up over slip ups.
Just wanted to touch on something that has helped me greatly with GAL and getting past the mindset that “there will be no OW, all I want is you”. I was stuck in this mindset for a while, still am to some extent. My IC gave me a suggestion that has helped me out immensely. This is going to be a highly contested post on this board but the suggestion was go out and date. Now before everyone hangs me let me clarify, not date in a romantic way by any means but date in a friendship way. One thing that has to be clear when you go out on these dates is that you express your intentions to the other person from the get go. Express to them that you are looking to meet new friends. That you are in no way looking for anything romantic. Tell them a bit about what is going on at home. If they accept but later indicate they want more, end communication with them. As long as your intentions are clear an you tell them the truth I don’t see anything wrong with dating in this manner. I was hesitant myself to do this this but figured I had nothing to loose so gave it a try. It has helped with my confidence and feeling like the man I was at the beginning of my marriage in ways I cant put to words. I have met some great friends in only a couple of weeks. It has helped me detach and has put into perspective what I am actually dealing with. It has shown me that there are a lot of very nice, genuine, successful women out there. There are a ton of women out there that do not care about my snitch at all, they appreciate my honesty and a lot of them are really just looking to meet friends like myself.
Again I realize that this may be frowned upon on here but I could be reading into it too much. I guess perhaps ou wouldn’t call it dating at all rather making new friends of the opposite sex. None the less it is helpful if you can set boundaries with the other person at the get go, maintain them, and for the love of god DO NOT LET IT TURN ROMANTIC.
This is going to be a highly contested post on this board but the suggestion was go out and date. Now before everyone hangs me let me clarify, not date in a romantic way by any means but date in a friendship way. One thing that has to be clear when you go out on these dates is that you express your intentions to the other person from the get go. Express to them that you are looking to meet new friends. That you are in no way looking for anything romantic. Tell them a bit about what is going on at home. If they accept but later indicate they want more, end communication with them. As long as your intentions are clear an you tell them the truth I don’t see anything wrong with dating in this manner.
OK, I'll bite.
All you LBS's need to get you MOJO back. Going on dates is not the way to do it. There will be plenty of time for dating later. Let this door completely close before opening the next.
I believe you should focus on GAL that is in a group setting. You can safely interact with members of the opposite sex. You can practice whatever new behaviors you are implementing.
Practice new skills with everyone, in the moment. Baby steps.
If you are working on your wit, see if you can make the cashier laugh. Focus on personal growth.
If you have decided that you no longer want to be married and have finalized your divorce and want a new partner, or one night stand, or whatever, then yes start dating.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Steve, Thinking about it more last night calling it dating is not correct, you are correct it is simply going out with friends and making new friends, some of them just happen to be the opposite sex.
The main take away here I think just should be to get out there and experience life and people. Everything will become clearer when you start to get out there and enjoy everything and everyone around you.
I bit on this issue this weekend even questioning myself if in fact I was going on a “date” or not..
Well I ended up meeting a pretty cool women for coffee and dessert.
And our main point of conversation?? Each of our D situations and how we’ve handled.
So no...nothing came out of it romantically, it did help with some confidence boosting, and I have another female perspective that gave me an unbiased opinion.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
FTR, I am against dating until your D is finalized. Others have taken this course (dating in their sitches) with varying levels of failure/success. One poster that was pretty sure his D was going towards finalizing started dating "a wonderful woman". Yet all of his posts were focused on the STBXW and his struggles still trying to detach. That did this "wonderful woman" no favors.
Think of the person you might be dating and their feelings. Also, I am against it because so many LBSs need to learn to how to be alone.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't get all this you shouldn't date till after D. If somebody feels ready to date they should particularly if they are sure they no longer want to R regardless. Some D also take ages, I have heard of some taking three years in total. That's a long time to wait. If you purely doing it just to get confidence or some or pride thing then of course it's bound to fail.
FTR, I am against dating until your D is finalized. Others have taken this course (dating in their sitches) with varying levels of failure/success. One poster that was pretty sure his D was going towards finalizing started dating "a wonderful woman". Yet all of his posts were focused on the STBXW and his struggles still trying to detach. That did this "wonderful woman" no favors.
Think of the person you might be dating and their feelings. Also, I am against it because so many LBSs need to learn to how to be alone.
I agree with this 100%. Rebound relationships very rarely amount to anything more than clouding one's current situation. Sure, it might be a confidence boost, but the kind of confidence LBSs need comes from within, and this is only learned from being alone for a while. I believe it's especially important for those with little ones at home. THEY need all your time and attention
