Whirlwind of Hurt 4

[LH19]

Then I say the day you move out you are vacating the home and it becomes My home, therefore I will not be leaving My home while movers show up to move your things from My home. She gets really pissed and hangs up on me. "

TF, I think we discussed minimizing the fireworks before she moved out. These comments sound controlling. If you guys already came to am agreement on who is getting what why don't you just go to your moms. Do you really want to be there when she moves out? If you can't trust her to do the right thing what exactly are you trying to save?

Look man I am totally on your side but sometimes you come off very business like and at times controlling. Were you playful in your marriage or was it always business?

I am not sure is you ever divulged but is the OM married? Does he have children?

[Twofeet]

Then I say the day you move out you are vacating the home and it becomes My home, therefore I will not be leaving My home while movers show up to move your things from My home. She gets really pissed and hangs up on me. "

TF, I think we discussed minimizing the fireworks before she moved out. These comments sound controlling. If you guys already came to am agreement on who is getting what why don't you just go to your moms. Do you really want to be there when she moves out? If you can't trust her to do the right thing what exactly are you trying to save?

Look man I am totally on your side but sometimes you come off very business like and at times controlling. Were you playful in your marriage or was it always business?

I am not sure is you ever divulged but is the OM married? Does he have children?

LH,

The problem is that I don't trust her anymore. I trust her about as far as I can throw her. I know I don't want to create fireworks, but time and time again post-BD all she has been doing is lieing and taking whenever she can. She pouts then I soften up then she takes again. When she isn't doing that she is lieing, not only to me but the kids as well. I just don't want to come home to an empty house and have to figure out how to get my household items back. I can go while the movers are there, but that would be a big leap of faith on my part. What do you suggest?

I was playful in the marriage and business like with the finances. I am still trying to be playful post-BD, it's just a little harder.

Most I got about OM when I confronted W about the EA was its complicated, I don't know for sure if he is divorced or just separated. Om has a son who I think is a preteen or young teen and a teenage daughter. Not that it matters but OM doesnt have much in the looks department and looks like he needs some exercise.

If I am doing wrong please shut me down. If I am on the wrong path please point me in the right direction.

[equalzr]

This is just my opinion, and it doesnt mean much here because i messed up a ton, but i would be at the house. If we could trust our spouse 99.9% of us wouldnt be here. It's not like they are thinking of us when they are doing anything they do.

Protect yourself TF.

[LH19]

TF,

If you really feel you can't trust her then you should be there. I can't imagine that will be fun for anybody.

Yep they usually affair down.

[crofton]

I think you need to be there if you don't trust her. I don't trust my W at all since she started D.

[Again18]

TF you're still doing good. You don't have to be a doormat to your wife, and your right to stand up for yourself especially for not wanting to leave the house while the movers are there. Your wife is going to follow through with her plans that's a given. If you were in her shoes you would do the same thing. I don't mean to imply you would ever venture down such a tragic trajectory only, that once your mind was made up on something you would probably follow through with your plans. Now think about this her plans probably don't go very far past moving out and divorce. Once that plan is done then she has to start to figure out what her next plan of action is. She will always move away from you if she thinks you are available to come back to. This is tricky territory because it probably will mean she will flirt with you, talk to you, be nice to you always checking the water to see that you are available in case she needs you. What you need to do is be in complete control and that is shut her out as much as possible. Don't be her back-up. Be nice, friendly and outgoing. When she asks you how you are doing. say great! But don't elaborate. If she asks what you've been up to. Tell her just enough to make her curious but nothing else. Always end the conversation first and never elude to the fact that you miss her terribly. If she says she misses you it's probably a test don't bite, in fact, don't say anything at all. You've got this TF, it's a marathon but you can start to take control. You will think she isn't thinking about you when she really can't get you off her mind. This takes time, but use it, use it to make yourself the best version of you possible. If not for her, for another who will deserve your love and affection even more then her.

[Ready2Change]

Be at the house.

Have several movies (or football) or whatever. One or two buddies to watch game with. Pray the night before for calm. Forgive W. Forgive her some more.

Stay out of her space, just observe.

Stick to your agreements.

You can handle it.

[Ready2Change]

I am the one who should have no respect for her. I didn't cheat, I am not a liar, I took my vows to her and God serious. I am the one who takes care of themselves physically. I have always tried to improve myself and this D has just really opened up my eyes and kicked it into high gear for self improvement. Mentally and emotionally improving, I was already working on the physical aspect well before BD. I am working on improving my parenting, playing both the mom and the dad because I have to. I don't go out and buy my kids affections (W did that today for D8 because D8 caught her in a lie) I know I am the better person. I know I contributed to her actions, I can point to things in the last 5 years of our MR that contributed to this. I have apologized to her to no avail and honed up to my mistakes. However, there wasn't really anything I can point to in this last year that contributed to her actions. So likely she likely built up years of resentment because of me with unrealistic expectations towards me. She never really tried dealing with her depression, or dealing with her ptsd, or dealing with her grass is greener syndrome, but having a H that always has wanted to work on the M and work things out and help however he could even if he wasn't well equipped and still tried.

I could have written these word in my threads.


Keep DBing. Keep your focus on being "supper dad". Keep focusing on personal growth.

You are on the right path and are going to come out of this process fine. Better than fine, you will look back and be thankful for it.


It is the best worst thing that ever happened to me.

I hope time and space and the reality of everything brings wisdom to your W. Love her by lettering her go.

[Twofeet]

I will update you all later on the recent changes ie the move once it plays out.

I have been reading Ballast thread and his self reflection of what it looks like of him not being able to meet a modern womans needs. (Ballast if you read my sitch please chime in) I hope he doesn't give up and go MGTOW. Those guys seem to be a bit toxic in their own way. Anyway, his posts got me thinking of my own sitch. I started remembering convos post-BD while I was still in the LBS fog. It can be hard to keep tract of things when you are in a LBS fog or what I would further describe as survival mode. I digress, a convo I remember mostly pre-bd, but hints of it early post-bd that W would say to me is that I want a more submissive W, that I would want a submissive Asian wife, although to be honest I don't know any women from these countries to say if this is a stereotype or not. W would say I am too dominant, too strong, too much a leader. She would say she wants more of a partner. She wanted me to be more passive. It seemed like she wanted to be the things she was describing. She wanted an equal partnership while indicating she wanted to be the leader of the R. I would counter with a partnership, at times both leading, but also each partner leading at times individually as needed. Especially leading in areas of strength. She never liked that answer, it always felt like she wanted total control. When I would give examples of when and where she was leading us she would say you were apart of that decision making process. I would say yes I was, but it was a direction you wanted to take I wasn't apposed of it so I went a long while you lead the way.So I see a lot of talk on the forums about guys being to passive/beta/NGS, and W losing respect and leaving because of it. Can the opposite be true as well? Can a H be too alpha/dominant or is it a function of W leaving due to her own insecurities and or other problems?

Sometimes I feel like this is my W having one final spoiled fit for not always getting her way. My Dad and I had a convo earlier this week about how he thought one thing that lead to our D was W always wanting material things, usually above our means. She would constantly pressure me for them and I wouldn't budge, or relent after a long time. I told my Dad the problem is when you don't have it you can't spend it and she would have put us in bankruptcy if she was in control of our finances. Dad asked if W knew this. I told him when her complaints got to be too much I would pull out our budget sheets, make a financial report and that would open her eyes and silence her complaints.... for a while, until she started wanting things again. Dad said you should have just given over the finances to her and said look you want all these things, then you are in control of the money, but if you bankrupt us, I am out and we are through. Dad said remember what W father said when you wanted to marry her. Yes I said he warned me she was high maintenance, she always would be and that it would cause me problems, FIL made a joke about no refunds or returns. Dad said in his opinion W parents are good people, with good values, tried to do there best like all parents, but where they failed was giving too much too W, and never teaching her the value of a dollar she would have to earn, setting limits, etc. Basically he was saying they spoiled her. He said him and FIL had a very brief convo about the D at an event for the grandkids. Dad said his impression is FIL is extremely disappointed in W and is basically washing his hands clean of the whole mess. Unfortunately, MIL as usual has been caving in and buying W's affections. It is part of the reason why W has been leaving some household items behind. The unfortunate conundrum is that my W in turn does the same to my kids. I saw this while M and I really see the problems it will cause down the road post-D. My Dad related a story to me of some work friends of his that D. The H was the disciplinarian and the W spoiled the children and always bought the kids affection. The kids didn't turn out too well.

[EZdozit]

TF,

My w is similar to yours in that she is high maintenance and would place a priority on material things. I was similar while in the Mr...I would hold firm at first but would usually relinquish and give in.

Well I’m 7 months removed from her leaving marital house...and she has piled up roughly $45k in debt/sucken costs with renting a house, filling it with new furniture, decorating, etc. Granted I wasn’t the most astute person in managing our finances, but I always made sure we were taken care of with enough to have a buffer. In what W had anticipated on recouping once our house sells, it will be just a fraction of what she initially thought her share would be. I do believe that will be another slap of her reality once she realizes her debt she’s accrued won’t get paid off in one lump sum.

Had a similar convo with my folks about w being high maintenance...and her FIL once said the same. Only difference is since BD, our extended families have ghosted each other.