Whirlwind of Hurt 4

[Twofeet]

Yikes, I come on DB forums and there are a bunch of posts about dating pre-D!

RyanHun I appreciate your sentiment, I however cannot not even fathom dating. Here is an example, the other day I stopped by my folks house to pick up some things. I used the bathroom, and silly enough, the soap they had reminded me of a perfume W used to wear back in HS. I had totally forgotten about this, but that smell brought an immediate flash of memories and emotions tied to her and that time in our lives. I was so overcome with the reality of those memories and emotions that I started tearing up. It was like I was reliving those moments again. I am a broken man trying to piece myself back together. I can put on a strong front and you wouldn't know better, but inside I am grieving massively. I couldn't possibly want to put another woman through that, it wouldn't be healthy or the right thing to do for either party. Some day I may date again, but in the meantime I need to heal from a 20 year R with I woman I grew up with who terminated our R without really any signs or warnings. The wound is deep and it will take some time to heal. YMMV, but for me this is a part of that marathon.

I think you can spend time with the opposite sex post BD, as long as its a fun friendly thing. I have done so, but usually in groups of people. That is just being friends and doing group things. Its also good practice to work on communication skills that you may be lacking with the opposite sex.

[Twofeet]

Ugh..... D8 was asking about the tooth fairy since D5 lost another tooth. So W decided to go ahead and tell D8 that there was no tooth fairy, then D8 asked about Santa Claus, so wife said no Santa Claus, no elf on the shelf, no Easter Bunny, etc. I told W I didn't appreciate her doing that without us talking about it first. She said D8 put her on the spot, I said table it next time until we can talk about it as parents. W said many modern families don't even do Santa Claus for xmas and she kind of likes that. I told W I don't want to be most modern families I want to be our family with our traditions and values, I never have been one to care about what other people think and do and I am not going to start now. I asked to withhold from spoiling anything for D5 and S3. She agreed. I told W I feel like there goes the last bit of innocence of D8. W says yeah we have been doing a real good job of taking it away these past few weeks. I feel like W has been doing a good job of spoiling the children's innocence these past few weeks, but I don't say it because it feels passive aggressive.
I also can't totally blame W, because D8 has always been inquisitive and this was bound to happen. I just wish she would talk to me first. This isn't totally new with W & D8 either. W and I had a healthy sex life up until BD then everything dropped to zero, including even touching. Anyway, D8 walked in on us in July, and W and I had a game plan on what to say, but W threw that out the door and gave D8 the full blown sex talk. I felt like she was too young for that. I told W I was upset with her, unfortunately what's done is done.

Another thing to note is that D8 is getting tired of W sh!t. D8 was pissed W went out both night this past weekend and said oh great Gma is just going to end up watching us the weekends we are with you Mom. Then yesterday morning I took the kids to school and D8 said Mom you are either running late for work or you have morning meetings and you never take us to school anymore. You are moving further away so we are probably just going to end up living with Dad most of the time. When D8 rants at W like this I stay the hell out of it. I have nothing to do with that and W already blames me for everything, so I don't need to add to the pile.

All 3 kids have been having emotional outbursts lately and I have been working pretty hard to help them through it. Its been pretty tough.

[neffer]

Be there for your little kids TF. Keep protecting them man. Go on with the GAL, keep moving forward.

[Twofeet]

Thanks neffer, I am working an being the rock. I will be the best parent I can be. Going to start putting more focus on my kids in my IC sessions. I still have issues to resolve, but I need to spend time getting advice for better parenting in a sitch like this.
I also forgot to mention that both D5 and D8 wanted to sleep in bed with me last night so I let them. D8 woke up in the middle of the night because she wet the bed. She hasn't had an accident like this in 3 or 4 years. I told W this morning and she said its a one time occurrence don't worry about it, unless you are hoping its a regular thing. (WTF?) No, I said why would I want that. I said I just want to make you aware of it.
My IC warned me about bed wetting, hopefully its just a one off thing and it doesn't happen again. Its sh!t like this that makes it hard for me to get out of the mindset of, "if W doesn't want to be apart of this family than she is against this family." Just need to take that negative focus off of W and turn it into a positive focus on the kids.

[ovrrnbw]

"D8 put me on the spot."

"Modern families don't do X".

lulz

Good job staying out of W and kids' relationships. Don't use them to apply pressure. Be a leader.

[Twofeet]

"D8 put me on the spot."

"Modern families don't do X".

lulz

Good job staying out of W and kids' relationships. Don't use them to apply pressure. Be a leader.

I know right? You are an adult, but your D8 can make you do things like force you into unwanted conversations. Seriously, give me a break.

And the modern family thing..... I don't know who she is talking to or what she is reading, but some of this modern families don't do X or they do Y just makes me think more and more that if that's what a modern family is I don't want to be one. Makes me feel like I am a man raised with old school values and morals in a modern world.
What the hell is the world coming to? Its just all one big ball of yuck.

[EZdozit]

TF,

I’m just spitballing here, but is your W political views tend to lean to the liberal side of things? Not to say it has anything to do with D or your sitch...but my WAW extended family all have very liberal backgrounds and all have broken there families up. My W deceased mother was more centered...married 50 years, etc. She was W’s biggest influence outside of me prior tom BD. My views are fairly centered as my w were...especially placing importance on family values, etc. but I have noticed she has immersed herself in a lot of women’s movement post BD and has started to lean more to liberal side of things post her moms death, etc.

I guess theory is I do believe political views impact one’s viewpoints on marriage and family values.

[Twofeet]

TF,

I’m just spitballing here, but is your W political views tend to lean to the liberal side of things? Not to say it has anything to do with D or your sitch...but my WAW extended family all have very liberal backgrounds and all have broken there families up. My W deceased mother was more centered...married 50 years, etc. She was W’s biggest influence outside of me prior tom BD. My views are fairly centered as my w were...especially placing importance on family values, etc. but I have noticed she has immersed herself in a lot of women’s movement post BD and has started to lean more to liberal side of things post her moms death, etc.

I guess theory is I do believe political views impact one’s viewpoints on marriage and family values.

EZ,

My family and my W's family are VERY conservative. My W has always been conservative, but apolitical and I have always tried to stay centered but sometimes lean conservative. W has always been into being an empowered woman and we would always enjoy having healthy conversations about some of these concepts during our marriage. They never lead to fights or problems just conversations so that I could understand her viewpoint. She would do the same for some of my views. Typical marriage stuff I think.

However some of this recent family value stuff and some of her new outlooks feel like the influence of W's gal pal who is so far far left its almost comical. I don't have any problem, with left leaning people, its good to have a balance in views, I am always open to having my mind changed. However, like I said gal pal is sooo extreme its like she is a caricature. W has even said gal pals beliefs are so against W core values that W could never be a close friend to gal pal, just a casual work friend. I am sure there are other influencers and enablers. Not sure if that has anything to do with W choice to D. W has never really given me a solid answer why she is choosing to D. Not sure I will ever know the answer.

[LH19]

W has never really given me a solid answer why she is choosing to D. Not sure I will ever know the answer.

That's because the affair is the number one driving force to the fast track to D. She is being driven by the emotions she feels being in the A.

Once she is D and the secret and excitement is gone things will change her feeling most likely will change.

[Twofeet]

So W called today and said she got our family class got bumped up and I needed to call to confirm. I said why do I need to call why haven't I gotten a call. She said the courthouse has been in contact with her. I said so are we still going to file taxes jointly and save money? She says yeah the less money the govt. gets the better. So I call and they let me know I am locked into this date and that the other party (my W) has to call and confirm. I call W up and say what the heck, you lied to me, you weren't signed up for this earlier class now I am locked in. She gave some B.S. excuse and said she will call after she gets off the phone. I say well we can still finish the decree and finalize everything after the new year. It would be more tax advantageous for you than for me to file M. I say filing S will put you in a higher bracket and our decree says you cannot claim the kids. She says she wants to think about it.

Think about it? Are you kidding me. I am just so done with helping her out. DB says keep the roads paved smooth, but its really hard to keep things smooth when she wrecks things before the road pavement can set. Just put a fork in me I am done, she wants to make the road rocky that's her problem now.

She later W called to tell me are we still on for having the kids out of the house Sat. while the movers are there. I say my Mom will be over in the a.m. to pick them up. She say what do you mean your mom, I want you to watch the kids at your parents house not your mom watch them. She says I don't want to see your mom, I don't want your mom see me moving out of our house. I say I hear you and I can understand how you feel that way. She enthusiastically says really that's great so you can watch them. Then I say the day you move out you are vacating the home and it becomes My home, therefore I will not be leaving My home while movers show up to move your things from My home. She gets really pissed and hangs up on me. However, my intentions are to protect myself. I don't want her to have access willy nilly to my home. Even though its doubtful I could come home and find that the movers have moved out anything or everything from the home. I then would have to fight that battle to get things back. The other thing is that I want to be home in case of damages. Because of W choices I have been through 6 moves in our 13 year marriage, this will be her 7th with the last 4 moves happening basically once every year. Anyways I have seen what can happen to a home if you have careless movers. I am not leaving the house while that happens. She calls me back later to let me know she is taking the kids to her sisters house for the day. Then back to her new house. I remind her that they are on my schedule at that point so I will be picking them up and they will be going back to my house.

So due to the phone calls and some other stresses from W related to getting kids to activities this afternoon I was really looking forward to lifting today. Right now my regimen is lean bulking. 3 days a week of strength training and 3 days a week of 30 minutes of running. While lifting I kept thinking, its pretty obvious she isn't always going out with friends. She is very likely out on dates with OM or dating in general. She also doesn't have any or very little respect for me, puts the blame on me, and makes me the bad guy. She also takes and takes whenever I give or give in. WTF, why do I even care if she has no respect for me, I am the one who should have no respect for her. I didn't cheat, I am not a liar, I took my vows to her and God serious. I am the one who takes care of themselves physically. I have always tried to improve myself and this D has just really opened up my eyes and kicked it into high gear for self improvement. Mentally and emotionally improving, I was already working on the physical aspect well before BD. I am working on improving my parenting, playing both the mom and the dad because I have to. I don't go out and buy my kids affections (W did that today for D8 because D8 caught her in a lie) I know I am the better person. I know I contributed to her actions, I can point to things in the last 5 years of our MR that contributed to this. I have apologized to her to no avail and honed up to my mistakes. However, there wasn't really anything I can point to in this last year that contributed to her actions. So likely she likely built up years of resentment because of me with unrealistic expectations towards me. She never really tried dealing with her depression, or dealing with her ptsd, or dealing with her grass is greener syndrome, but having a H that always has wanted to work on the M and work things out and help however he could even if he wasn't well equipped and still tried.. Then some d-bag of obvious questionable morals flashes her a smile and probably feeds her B.S. causing her to dump 13 years of M and a 20 years R and 3 awesome kids, a family that is whole, for some fantasy and a false high? Weak....That is just weak a$$ sh!t. I am better than that. I will always be better than that.

While lifting I remembered something I heard Jocko Willink say on a podcast I was listening to a couple weeks ago about D. Jocko said, "Hangout with your bada$$ self become a better person and get into the gym and get after it, lifting solves everything."