Unsure what's next, what to do.....Part II

[LH19]

Now, if wanting to R ends up being her decision, she isn't going to just walk back in to my open arms. She is going to have to prove to me that she's 100% committed to making it work. And that isn't going to happen by just her saying she is. She needs to prove that through consistent action.

Easy to say but harder to do. You are on the right track if you stay committed to what you wrote above. It's the only way it woks out long term.

This is my opinion only and shouldn't change the way you handle yourself. I highly doubt OM is completely out of the picture.

[Wanted1]

Sometimes Plan A is finding a new Plan A, as LH19 alludes too.

My W's EA ended shortly after I found out about it. But I was still Plan B. Plan A was another guy online that was starting to become EA2.0. And since that wasn't progressing as quickly the next step was dating websites. In fact, I was more like Plan D or E.

So, what do you suggest I do? I feel like I need to give her time and space to work through what she's dealing with along with working through what her true feelings are about me and ultimately our M. If she ends up deciding she wants out and tells me that that is her decision, I can't control her feelings wrt that. I don't want to be Plan B but I'm not sure, judging by what she's expressed to me, she completely knows what she wants yet.....

[SteveLW]

It's very common for the WAS/WS to convey feelings of confusion. Sometimes I think they convey that as a way of saving your feelings. They really know what they want (out) but don't want to hurt you.

Other times they truly are dealing with an internal struggle. They truly are conflicted. They are excited by the propects of a new life, but feel bad about ruining other people's lives. My wife described it as being at the McDonald's drive thru where you pull up and have to decide to go into the right or left order line. And not sure which is the best one to choose.

But in either case you're right. You need to give her the time and space to decide.

[Wanted1]

Now, if wanting to R ends up being her decision, she isn't going to just walk back in to my open arms. She is going to have to prove to me that she's 100% committed to making it work. And that isn't going to happen by just her saying she is. She needs to prove that through consistent action.

Easy to say but harder to do. You are on the right track if you stay committed to what you wrote above. It's the only way it woks out long term.

This is my opinion only and shouldn't change the way you handle yourself. I highly doubt OM is completely out of the picture.

I'm with you 100% on your opinion. I can't control that, though. A part of me thinks maybe their conversation was more or less, "Let's cool it for now and then when the marriage is over we can start communicating again." I won't ever know for sure, but the fact that they met and talked in person and there wasn't just a simple message sent saying "We can't be in contact anymore. I need to figure out what I want," makes me wonder if there wasn't some sort of a 'plan' moving forward. That's just a hunch though.

In the joint therapy session, she was trying to talk him up by saying, "He was so gracious and understanding and he even mentioned to me that this can't be something where you cheat down the road. It has to be a complete cut off. No reaching out or anything of that nature until you decide that we can communicate openly and freely." I'm paraphrasing because as I was hearing this I was thinking to myself sarcastically, 'wow, he's such a stand up guy!' (SMFH!) I can see right through his douchiness.

At the end of the day, IF she decides she wants to work on the M and claims to be 100% in on doing so, I would like anyone's thoughts on this, but in thinking ahead, my first response is going to be: "Ok, well I want to trust you that it's over with OM and I believe a way for you to start that process is for you to prove to me that there has been no contact with OM since your last meeting (this past Sunday). I don't care to read anything prior to that because at this point, we should focus on the present and what we need to do moving forward, but I would like confirmation that he has been out of the picture like you assured me is the case and was the reason for the meeting/bike ride."

If she agrees to shows me her phone and I can at least see proof that the last contact with him was prior to this past Sunday, that would help with starting to regain some trust I've lost in her. If she doesn't agree to show me or if I find some communication in the meantime, I'm not sure how I should proceed. I'm just trying to think ahead and be prepared. I think watching her send him a message stating something like, "its over, no more contract, I'm fully committed to trying to make our M work," would suffice and then having her delete his number, the app(s) she's using to contact him, block him on social media, etc. would work but I also don't want to project as being weak.

[Wanted1]

It's very common for the WAS/WS to convey feelings of confusion. Sometimes I think they convey that as a way of saving your feelings. They really know what they want (out) but don't want to hurt you.

After our therapy session, I told her, "I'm already hurt. I already have a suspicion this is over and I'm preparing as though it is. So, I just want the truth. If the truth hurts, it's not going to hurt any less down the road than it will now. I will respect your opinion and will appreciate your truthfulness." She validated me after I said that but never went on to say anything one way or another. I do feel like with all of the personal issues pertaining to her trauma is playing a major factor. Probably a fatigue factor like my IC brought up. W admitted that after IC said that, she agreed with it. And honestly, it does make a lot of sense. So, my gut tells me she is truly conflicted but again, I'm trying not to believe anything she says, either.

Thanks for the insight, Steve.

[Ready2Change]

"Ok, well I want to trust you that it's over with OM and I believe a way for you to start that process is for you to prove to me that there has been no contact with OM since your last meeting (this past Sunday). I don't care to read anything prior to that because at this point, we should focus on the present and what we need to do moving forward, but I would like confirmation that he has been out of the picture like you assured me is the case and was the reason for the meeting/bike ride."

Hi Wanted,

Hopefully you don't mind me being blunt.

You talk too much.

Is one of your non-negotiables for reconciliation "Full transparency"?

If it is, do some research here. I am sure I have examples in my quote list.

I think this is the mindset:
H"W, how can you rebuild my trust?"


And you haven't even got to this step of the processes.

[LH19]

W,

What I am trying to tell you is that you need time and space to figure this out.

Below are two responses from you in one day. Your W has had multiple affairs and you most likely just caught her in the act again and your so quick to welcome her back that you are thinking about being plan B.

Again where is your line in the sand?

At what point does it become W needs time and space to forget out if this is what he wants.


I'm not willing to be Plan B.

I don't want to be Plan B but I'm not sure.

[SteveLW]

You talk too much.

And to be clear, he is talking about with her, not here.

[MoveFrwd]

I wasn't intending on spying. Our security camera sends notifications anytime there is activity. I saw a babysitter show up so naturally I got curious.

I understand it wasnt your intent. But within minutes of her getting home, you talk to her about OM....makes it pretty clear that you must have been watching....something. It's not like you heard from the grapevine or whatever. My point is less about that and more about collecting info/intel and then confronting once you have the story. Now, all you can do is 'take her word for it' and I wouldnt want to put myself in that position where I am trusting someone who has shown repeatedly to be untrustworthy.

to tell him it's over until she decided what's going to happen with our M.

That doesnt sound like 'cutting off communication'. That sounds like a holding pattern. Again, I wouldnt want to be in a position where my WIFE is choosing between me and another guy. How does that build her respect and attraction towards YOU?

I'm trying to be the lighthouse and keep the road paved smooth back.

A lighthouse doesnt go running off after the boat to bring it to shore. Right now, you seem eager to reassure her that she can take time and do what she needs and youll be right there waiting for her. To me, that is putting pressure on her....like youre going to be checking the clock since you "arent going to wait forever". So give her the space she is looking for. When she's around, be gone doing some kind of GAL. Leave her alone as much as you can. Stop TALKING so much to her. Set some goals for things you want to do and the person you want to be ad ACHIEVE them.

WAITING is such a passive word. What can you DO that is active?

I'm not willing to be Plan B.

You say that....and yet you also say that you are waiting to see if your wife will choose to be with you.
That sounds like Plan B behavior.

It's going pretty good I'm trying to GAL as much as I can.

Its hard. Every instinct you has pushes you against GAL. Like cutting your trip off.
What is on tap for this week?

[SteveLW]

I wasn't intending on spying. Our security camera sends notifications anytime there is activity. I saw a babysitter show up so naturally I got curious.

I understand it wasnt your intent. But within minutes of her getting home, you talk to her about OM....makes it pretty clear that you must have been watching....something. It's not like you heard from the grapevine or whatever. My point is less about that and more about collecting info/intel and then confronting once you have the story. Now, all you can do is 'take her word for it' and I wouldnt want to put myself in that position where I am trusting someone who has shown repeatedly to be untrustworthy.

One other point on this. You should drop anything that trips you up. We often tell newbies to get off of social media. "I wasn't snooping on her page, but someone commented on her update and it showed up in my feed!" LBSs use these kinds of things for "excuses" for stumbling across information about their WAS.

So when was the last time you had a security issue? Would it be a real problem to block the security cam notifications or shut it down completely?

Guess what I had security cams too. My W said it made her feel like I was watching her. And admittedly I did use them for that. One of the things I did was take them down. It showed her I was letting go.