1st time I was welcomed inside her place in 6 months. W first comments upon welcoming me in was how she thought I looked good. S was lounging with some Netflix show....no shoes, etc. I greeted him with a huge hug and then asked him to get shoes on so we could go.
S than says he has to take a #2.
W and I are then left alone.
W starts asking all sorts of questions as to who I’m hanging out with...what my plans are, etc. This is the 1st time GAL activities and “as if” methods have yielded results. I essentially had to divorce my entire friends/group since DB. I just say my church family has welcomed me in and I have embraced it. Didn’t provide any more details, etc.
W than asked to have exchange on Thanksgiving with S so he can see both of us. She then pulled a stunt in asking about S birthday party planning while S was present. I had conveyed that we wouldn’t be doing these events together. I just said to call me and we would discuss.
Upon leaving....I noticed she stayed at the window looking at us leaving.
Feel good in how I handled myself.
To the board...any advice?
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
I do feel like the momentum has shifted in my favor if that is a thing.
One thing I failed to mention about yesterday’s interaction has me feeling some guilt today.
W had asked that I bring her heavy coat from the house since we’ve already had a couple of snowfalls. 3 week’s back when she came to the house one of the items she had asked for were Xmas stockings that her deceased mom had made for all of us...one which said S’s name, one that said Mom...and one that said Dad. During that exchange, W and I had argument in which she threw the Dad stocking at me as she told me to keep it in her anger.
I later asked if I could give it to her for her father to have....given that her mom made it. She refused and said to keep it.
So back to the exchange yesterday, in the bag that I had brought her heavy coat in I discretely put the Xmas stocking at the bottom. I felt I needed to given the fact it was an item her mom had made for us. It was just another reminder of what’s gone.
I feel guilt in the fact that I’ve realized I have never really had a chance to grieve the loss of her mom myself. Shortly after her death, my life was flipped upside down as BD occurred and it put me into survival mode. I feel guilt because her mom was also a mother to me and I was very close with her..she was my biggest advocate. I don’t know if W will take this as an insult...but do feel like in order to move forward, I need somewhat of a clean break and want to start fresh with new holiday traditions for S and I.
Maybe I’m making this more of an issue than it needs to be...but woke up this morning just reminiscing....grieving....W mom for the first time in 9 months.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
EZ, first, well done. Sounds like you are doing great. Just keep up keeping up.
One slight criticism.......
Early in my sitch I had a tendency to gauge everything I instituted based on her reaction. Let her go to get her back? I started letting her go, but always kept one eye on her reaction and actions. The anti-DB expert that was providing me guidance (note, this is NOT MWD), told me to avoid the temptation to gauge the state of things based on what my W said and did. Whether it was second-to-second, minute-to-minute, or day-to-day. I equate it to being like a long term investment. You don't track a long term investment day-to-day. You do it over a long period of time. There will be lots of ups and downs in the short term, long term trend is the key.
So stop focusing so much on whether or not GAL and/or "as if" is having an effect on her. More importantly is it having an effect on you?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes I see that I did put a lot into her reaction and took away from the focus on myself. I guess this is due to how infrequent our FTF interactions occur along with this being such a positive one for the 1st time in several months.
I keep it driven that this is a marathon and not a sprint....I just feel like I’ve been training so hard and it finally seems like I pick up a new PR more frequently.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Had S for from Monday evening to Wednesday afternoon. Kept a busy schedule and wrapped up yesterday by going to the new Creed movie (we both wanted to start training afterwards!! Excellent movie btw)
W tried calling me a couple of times during this time..I didn’t answer and she didn’t leave a message. Yesterday morning she called right at 7:30 and I ended up answering. W hemmed and hawed about her day, my plans with S, then took off topic and started an outburst going into concerns she has, how my “pride and ego” are now my biggest flaws, how she doesn’t think it’s fair I have S half the time, etc. I immediately cut W off, saying I wouldn’t stand her talking to me that way especially with S in background. Then said if she would like to discuss her concerns at a later time when S wouldn’t be around, then we could talk, but my expectations would be it had to be in a civil manner.
During phone call I did offer to bring S to her place after movie, which was a huge favor for her so she wouldn’t have to come across town during rush hour...as we would already be out and about. When S and I arrived at W place, she acted as if she if she never had outburst earlier and said how appreciative she was that I brought S to her. W then offered to let me spend some time tomorrow during Thanksgiving with S. This took me by surprise...but do feel gesture was made knowing that I had made Thanksgiving plans elsewhere. I’m considering modifying my plans and taking her up and pick S up for a bit. Either way...there seems to be a “thawing” from both W and I in conducting ourselves with regard to Co parenting....so I’ll take that for what it’s worth. We both aren’t trying to make things more difficult then they need to be...and it will be vital for S going forward regardless of MR.
Today...of all days going to really hone in my gratitudes and give thanks. It’s been a $h#t year....but I sure have come a long way.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Why on earth would it not be fair for you to spend half the time with your S? Sometimes I think these WAS walked away from their brains.
Also is there anything you can think of that you are doing that would bring out the pride and ego comment?
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/22/1803:05 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
In my W mind she felt that she needed to be entitled to an 80/20 split when she originally left as her perception of me was that of a man child not being capable of “adulting” (her words)... I fought that from the outset and she met with her attorney and agreed to 50/50. Her intent was that she was just waiting on her anticipated outcome of a legal situation I had going on for 3 years to leverage primary custody of S. That plan backfired when my situation was completely dismissed. Now she has no leverage and everything in writing and in our official parenting plan outlines the 50/50 split. It’s taken about a month for her to finally come to this realization.
The pride and ego comments are a result of the boundaries I put into place with our marital home. She had made these rules up when she left and I have kept true to them that I would have complete responsibility for the sale of our home and how to market it, etc. Now she’s trying to change those rules up and I’ve held firm.
What’s ironic is the more firm I’ve been in keeping my boundaries in line..the less she’s pushed back. A noticeable change especially the last couple of weeks.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Yesterday turned out to be a great Thanksgiving in what I had anticipated to be horrible. 2 week’s ago I had no plans, wouldn’t have my S, and my parents were out of commission as my mother had knee replacement surgery and was still in hospital.
Exchanges with w have been “thawing”of late. W has been asking more questions about what I have going on, who I’m hanging out with, how have I met so many new people, etc.
W offered to let me pick up S yesterday morning so I could spend time with him. I changed my morning plans and texted W that I would like to take S out for bike ride since it would be 60 degrees out. I think she was surprised that I took up her offer as I originally was going to meet some friends to play football.
I ended up picking S up at her place and we went to a local park where there’s an awesome trail that loops around a lake. S and I had a blast as we did our first gravel ride. We also witnessed some guys that were flying a high dollar ($2.5k) 3D drone doing all sorts of crazy stunts. They had gathered a sizable crowd as they got a bit cocky as one shouted to take it up a notch....well that resulted in said drone to have a crash landing...lol. As one of the observers stated...well we just watched the joy and agony of flying those things in the matter of 2 minutes. Long winded story but I maximized the 3 hours of time with S and I know how much fun he had as his smile was back to the days of old pre BD.
When I went to pick up S, my FIL was at W place helping with yard work. It was the first time in 8 months that I have seen him. I was cordial..but didn’t go out of my way to make discussion with him. He asked how my mother was doing..I replied ok. That was that. (It will be very hard for me to ever have respect for him in future...as he made some choice comments to me when I made mistake of reaching out to him prior to W leaving marital home)
I took S back to W place early afternoon before W’s planned Thanksgiving meal at her FIL friends place. This was the most engaging exchange W and I have had in 8 months. W was friendly and asked about our bike ride as S was gleefully explaining our fun adventure. W then started asking all sorts of questions about my “new friends”, how I’ve been doing all these new GAL activities, etc. I just kept my answers brief, but cordial. W then made comment about how my birthday was coming up soon and S and her would be doing something for it..(shocked it was mentioned). W kept wanting to engage further but I said I needed to leave so I could get over to my “Friendsgiving” in time. I wished W a happy Thanksgiving while she was trying to continue our conversation....she seemed perplexed and then wished me the same.
Friendsgiving was a great time. It was with a group of dads that have also gone through D. Meal was celebrated with some that had kids with them, others without. Some are in new relationships...others are still fresh. Definitely has been an awesome Grouo of guys that has an understanding of what D entails.
W texted me 3 times over course of afternoon/evening asking questions she already had answers to. She offered to bring S over to my place early as it’s my weekend. I replied that would be great.
I maintain 0 expectations....but the change in W demeanor and treatment towards me continues to be consistent. My walls remain on high alert. This week we have had 6 FTF interactions...more calls from W than at any point last 8 months..and increased text exchanges.
I plan to just continue to approach her as D will happen...but live my life as I chose and be happy in the moment and take the small wins in stride. I truly feel at peace with myself right now and sense W sees it. Ever since I honestly dropped the rope and keep an ADGAF mindset I feel free.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
