At this point in time, I want to let go, and focus on me, my shortcomings (things i want to improve about myself), and let her know, that whatever she chooses to do is on her, as I am focusing on me. I tried to validate some of the things, I had no answer to previously.
I would prefer to R at some point, but as of right now, that is not on the table - therefore I wrote to her, with a validation of some of the things she has previously told me. I also sent her text from Flysolo, regarding the house.
If D is the where this ends, then so be it, I will hopefully be a strong and independent father and person when that time comes, because my focus is me and my kids, and not her and her opinions and me thinking about them and why she does what she does. Hope it makes sense?
Last edited by Hurt213; 11/09/1811:37 AM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
It seems you are in a hurry to go somewhere you don´t even know if you want to get there...
Take your time Hurt. Relax. I know it´s not easy. Then let restart from the beggining. Read Cadet´s first post. It has lot of info. Choose there what to read: Detaching, GAL, Validating. ...
You need TIME and PATIENCE.
Take your time.
No more R talks, detach please and get out of her way. You control yourself, nothing more, nothing less.
Keep posting, you´ll get the help here. Help yourself. You can do it man, be strong, be consistent with your actions.
Sending you a big hug ((((Hurt))))
You need to take your time, please understand it´s a marathon...
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Yes I did send it. (I might have made a mistake), however, I felt really good, because it lets her know that It is okay for her to do her thing, and I am doing mine (I am beginning to believe this myself) which is a big step.
Oh man. First of all, don't do big things like that without asking here first, we all would have told you to write it and then delete it, burn it or eat it. DON'T send stuff like that. She's not just a WAS, she's a WW. She's actively having an affair. Don't validate all the crap she's been spouting to justify her A.
Regarding selling the house, if you don't want to sell it then why are you doing all the work? If you do want to sell it then why do you care what her response is?
DB is a tool to improve yourself. If doesn´t matter if you want to stay into MR or not. It helps YOU.
Where in MWD writing does it say DB is a tool to Improve yourself rather than to save a M? To be certain many here have tried to turn it into that. Many have improved themselves, myself included. But I have to say I cringe when I see comments like this. The purpose of the book and methods is to bust a D. Sadly that doesn't often happen so the consolation prize is a better you. But I just don't think we should change MWD goals for her - nor let off the hook for techniques that dont always work. Just my thoughts on that. We dint get to put words in her mouth.
Hurt I am pretty sure it has been suggested to you before that you not rush to respond without getting input here first, yet you seem to want to do that. Why the rush? Did you really need to send all of that? His does it get you closer to your goal? What is your ultimate goal? We all know this is all so hard but you've got to slow down a bit. You've done well with many things but then set yourself back with others. SLOW DOWN. Post here first. THEN respond.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
If D is the where this ends, then so be it, I will hopefully be a strong and independent father and person when that time comes, because my focus is me and my kids, and not her and her opinions and me thinking about them and why she does what she does.
This is ^^^^^ this good. Read this. Write it down and put it in your wallet.
Oh, and no more long emails. Concise, to the point, business like but with a pinch of kindness.
DB is a tool to improve yourself. If doesn´t matter if you want to stay into MR or not. It helps YOU.
Where in MWD writing does it say DB is a tool to Improve yourself rather than to save a M? To be certain many here have tried to turn it into that. Many have improved themselves, myself included. But I have to say I cringe when I see comments like this. The purpose of the book and methods is to bust a D. Sadly that doesn't often happen so the consolation prize is a better you. But I just don't think we should change MWD goals for her - nor let off the hook for techniques that dont always work. Just my thoughts on that. We dint get to put words in her mouth.
You are right Don, just was trying to cheer up Hurt and take him away from certain mind games. My mistake, sorry.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
but she understands how I need to get some space from her (what does this mean?)
She's saying if you had any self respect (no offense) you would not want to be in close contact of her. You wouldn't want anything to do with her. It means that she KNOWS she doesn't deserve you! It means she KNOWS she is doing you wrong.
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She also said, that OM had texted her yesterday and once again "spread a doubt about wether he wanted to be with her or not", WW had said that he was clearly using her for his own needs, and would throw her away again as soon as he got bored, as he had already done twice - WW said that it was because he was confused.
Did she say this to the female friend, or you? B/c if she's saying this stuff to you, that's very unacceptable. It's bad enough she's running around on you......but she should not be discussing her affair with OM as though it was casual conversation over the family dinner table. Make sense?
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This morning, she hardly said anything, she even passed right by me, without saying good morning. She is acting really cold and distant, and I seem to be a nuisance to her at the moment.
Well......yeah! Look, a woman can only truly desire one man at a time. I'm not talking about getting horny or even having sex. She could have sex with a half dozen men in one day, but it doesn't mean she was in love with any of them. She can have sex with her H, and not be love with him. I'm saying if the OM is in your W's head/heart, she's not going to desire to be you the way a wife should desire her husband. I want you to remember what I've told you, cause she is going to play lots of games with you......I can almost see the handwriting on the wall. The sooner you get fed up and stop putting up with her cr@p, the better. The sooner you drop her, the better off you'll be.
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I am finding it hard to figure out how to 180 correct since: being reserved, not telling her how I feel, not flirting enough and not showing her affection has been things she pointed out was missing, and was things she needed.
Before making that statement above, you wrote about how your W was making plans to be with the OM again...….so you see the answer is to flirt and be affectionate? Even if this was a complaint previously, it certainly is not what you do when a woman is cheating on you. You aren't in a competition for your W! Why are you feeling the need to be good enough for her to choose you over the OM? There's something wrong with that picture.
180's don't mean you start doing everything to fix her complaint list against you. There may be a few things, but most things that would be considered something you'd keep strictly in a MR (like affection and flirting), you avoid until she ends the affair. 180's can be about most anything, but usually we think in terms of improvement as a man. You can improve as a man without flirting and giving her affection. As long as she's in an affair, you can't act as if you would if she wanted to be faithful to her H...….b/c she doesn't. See what I mean?
Look, you need to stop engaging as if you are trying to win her. Stop hanging out with her, or with her friends. Start leaving the house and getting a life apart from her. You can be friends who have no connection with her. Do you have male buddies? Hang out with them. Find things to do away from her. Don't discuss what you're doing, where you're going, with whom, or when you'll be home. You don't need what she's doing, nor the treatment she's giving you.
Are you having sex with her? This is dangerous when she's in an affair. Not to mention STD's, I remember a couple of cases where H's were duped into believing they fathered a child, only to discover otherwise, later. So, please be careful.
As for the letter.....well, you've already sent it. Guys feel better afterwards, b/c it acts as lever to release some pent up emotions. Anyway, I really hope you can muster the strength to walk away. I think that's the only hope of having a better future with or without her. Sometimes the WW has to see she has really lost her H out of her life, before it brings her to her senses. Even then, the H has to be very sharp and not fall into her web of deceit.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you very much for that very thoughtful insight.
Tonight I came home from a birthday party with the kids (first time WW was not attending a family party) - It was weird at first, but we ended up having a really great time, and actually I didn't think much of her.
When we came home, the house was cleaned, and WW was really interested in hearing about our day. I told her "We had a great time, thank you", and then I attended to my kids needs.
Later, when the kids were tugged in, she asked to talk to me, and I sat down and listened. Here are the major points of the conversation:
She told me, that she was currently in contact with OM (I almost upped and left the room, and told her, that I was not interested in any details, and if that was what this conversation was about, then we should just end it right here). She then rushed that, she was no longer head over heels in love, and that they were not going to be a thing for long (I then shut her down and said if she had anything of importance, that she needed to tell me).
She proceeded to tell me, that it had been difficult on her, not to be part of the birthday party today, however it had been nice to have a whole day for herself, something she had been longing for when we where together. I just said that I could understand how it must had been nice to have a day where you could do what you wanted to.
She also said, that she was firm on her decision to sell the house and move apart, as she had no interest in reconnecting and / or working on the problems we had with out old relationship. I said I understood, and that I too couldn't go back to the way things were, that I had found joy in the activities I had taken up since we parted, and that she had changed as well.
She said she didn't have the kids interest in this, and that her psychiatrist had told her, that if she didn't leave, she would be in a depression within the next 6 months. She has a powerful wish to move and be on her own (we have been together since young age), and she felt like it was very important to stand on her own legs, and make her own choices. I told her, that I believed differently when kids were involved, however I could see what she meant.
She said she didn't think she could be with me again because she had given her heart to someone else ( OM ) - I said I could understand how that could be hard to deal with.
Her psychiatrist had told her, that she was basically being pulled from between two strings 1. the urge to be on her own and 2. family life. If she didn't let go of the family life, the aforementioned depression would kick in.
The psychiatrist told her, that she would meet not 1,2 or 3 but maybe even more new men before she found the right one, but she had to let go and leave. <--- I failed in validating at this point unfortunately.
I told her that I found that advice to be real bad. We know what the problems in our relationship were, we should work to solve those. We have two little kids, and by leaving (even if just for two years), that would have great impact on them.
I told her, that I would really like to sit down with her and her psychiatrist, and maybe she could shed some light on why, she directly advised my WW to leave (I don't really think she did, and WW became a bit anxious at my suggestion) she told she would schedule a private consultation first, because things had changed with OM, and the situation was different now, and then after maybe we could do a couples session so she could get the psychiatrist to back up her statements.
All in all she seems to be firm on leaving us just to see how it is to live alone, even with the consequences it will have on the kids.
After that the conversation fizzled, and I said good night.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Well don’t buy that BS! You know, believe nothing...really a very rare psych. advice...c’mon...
Reinforce DB man, it’s going to rain waywardness there, get the umbrella and go GAL. Hey, you don’t validate everything she says. Just her feelings and to a certain extent. She’s making her psych responsible for her demands...
Set boundaries to protect yourself and the kids, detach and GAL. DB at the max!
Be strong H!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
So a couple of days has past since I last made a entry to my "diary". Things have been going in the same limbo state, not much has changed.
I have been focusing on enjoying my time with the kids and have been better at detaching from not only WW but also not workin when im not a work, which has been a problem for me. Everyone seems to be enjoying that, I know I do.
I had a good long session with my therapist (which relates to aforementioned depression), and the situation at hand is a part of those talks since it has such a huge impact on my mental state. I am in a good spot right now, and I have gotten some advices on to handle my self when I want to reach out to WW and how exactly to go about doing that in a way that does not make me smash my identity and self-esteem.
Basically, I was advised to tell her, that I was in no way agreeing with her choices at this time in place, however I was not going to try and change her beliefs, the choices she makes are her to make, and thats it. "If you love something, then set it free to choose for itself", basically. The thing was, that I appear to be pushing whenever I engage the conversation, so I should wait for her to reach out.
So yesterday, she asked if we could talk about something related to the kids and their spare time activities this week, and I agreed. Turns out it was a logistical problem and we quickly sorted it. I then told her the above mentioned, and she was surprised (at least acted surprised). She asked if she had been brought up in any other contexts in my conversations, and I said that she was a part of the process, but not the endgame, a piece of the puzzle one might say.
She was very curious, and I answered some of her questions, but I steered clear of things related to me and her. (My therapist, basically has been stating from day 1, that she is in no way able to give a clinical assessment of my WW, as that would require her to have her in her clinic and watching/talking to her in "real time" (don't know the word). However, there are patterns to why people do what they do, and she and I have been talking about those.
WW was very interested, and actually said that she would like to talk to my therapist, because she could see some valid things, that she hadn't really thought about.
Then she proceeded to tell me, that OM was only interested in a relationship with no strings attached, and she didn't know if she want to be with him - I told her, that I already told her, that I didn't want to talk about them, and I would have no part in their drama. I told her to respect my wishes, if we were have conversations regarding anything but the kids. She said she was sorry. Then she said, that she was really afraid of the fact that if she went back to me, then she would fall back in the old relationship with all its hardships. (She has actually gained a lot of independence, matured and is another woman right now) since we ended things. And she was terrified to loose those values, because she really loved that about herself. I told her, that I had noticed how she had "evolved", and that it was nice for her, and I could understand her fear of loosing herself.
She said in relation to the above fear, that even if she didn't end up with OM, then she would probably not want me, because of how she perceived herself since it ended. I validated her, and then said, you can't go back to something, since that is in the past. You can start something new, and by already realizing what was wrong, you get a head start on your present and future. All of that is for you to figure out.
She thanked me, then I headed out to the gym. When I came back later, she asked if I wanted toast bun (well I don't know if thats cake-eating?), but I accepted and she made me a meal (not putting anything feelings into that), and sat down on the couch for 1 hour (she usually goes to her room after 21.00 - most likely to text with OM), but she didn't go until 22.00.
Not putting anything in it, just journaling.
Today I am going shopping for some new clothes, getting a haircut - then gym tonight, and a coffee with a friend later.
Saturday we will be attending a children's birthday (my oldest friend and the wife is a close friend of WW) so we will be going together - No expectations or anything, its purely to do a good thing for the kids - do I need to take special precautions to anything?
Thanks.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
