I found out about the forums not too long ago after getting the DR and DB books. I'm halfway through reading the DR book and have read some of the stickies like Sandis rules and Detaching.
Not sure how or where to begin, but I'll try to dive right in with a little background and some history. My wife and I have been together for nearly 25 years, married for 14. We have two boys, S10 and S6. Most things have never really been a big issue except I have trust issues and we are on different paths with our careers.
Back when we were teens, we both had great potential, were social, had great friends, loved life and were healthy. We both went to college but stopped. We lived together for a long time in our 20s and got married in our 30s, then got a house, and had two kids. We're both in our 40s now. She works for a great company for almost 20 years and has moved up the corporate ladder, and I, on the other hand, have moved from job to job a couple of times and ended up where I am for about 15 years, feeling like its a dead end job.
I have trust issues because I watched adults in my past lie and hurt each other. I have male friends whom, when I was young, my wife had said were cute, and I'd always wonder if I was good enough. Here's two things from the past I try not to be bothered with but seem to haunt me. When I first met my wife, she was in a long distance relationship with someone else and I was in a relationship also. I ended it for several reasons and one of them was because of her. We both were teens. She was in the process of ending it with her boyfriend as well. We both liked each other. After we barely met it was New Years and I thought I was going to be with her, but she was nowhere to be found. I was bummed but hung out with friends. Days or maybe weeks later, I asked her what happened on New Years and she told me she was with her ex and that she ended it. I was happy and didn't make a big deal about it. But the ex was her first serious boyfriend. She met him by dating his friend first, then broke up with the friend to be with him. So this was in the back of my mind sometimes. That's one of two things. The other thing is that my close friends back then were bad. They would sleep around with other guy's girls. One of my best friends slept with the girl I quit to be with my wife. So any time she was around them and everyone was playful, I'd wonder. Sometimes I would ask if everything was cool to make sure there weren't any weird emotional attachments. I never let this go....
So fast forward, after partying in our 20s with life slowing down, I quit smoking and started to gain a little weight.
After we had our first son, I gained about 50 pounds, then with the second I gained about 75. In the last year, I had gained a total over 150 pounds. She would have gained about 20. There were times I would lose 40 pounds but it would increase and just be more. My wife did try to encourage me to lose weight but my mindset was all wrong. I blame people for going out to eat at crazy fast food places rather than control what I ate from those places, I had that when in Rome, do as they do attitude.
As the years had gone by in our house, I became more of a recluse, not wanting to visit or hang out with friends. I would play video games with my older son. I thought my wife and I were at a comfortable place. I would go to the study, she would be on her ipad in the living room with the little one on his ipad. We would sometimes make time once a week or early weekends to be together. We never made time to be us like when we were younger. Another thing, we had our children sleep in our bed for the last 10 years. We had no time together. This was my fault for allowing it to happen.
Just more information about us: I'm more the physical person who needs the touching and sex more. She's not. I'm the type that , if we argue, I want us to fix it before bed time where she strays away from arguments or would rather sleep on it. We've managed to do okay for all these years until now.
Two years ago my wife lost her dad on Christmas day. This was a huge blow for her. Here is the critical information. Last year after the 1 year anniversary of his passing, she came to me and said she didn't want to be sad in front of me or in front of the boys, that she wanted to be strong. I had not cried in 15 years, I had built this wall around my emotions. I thought I was telling her what she wanted to hear at the time. I told her she didn't need to cry in front of them and that she could go behind closed doors to cry like the closet if needed. I meant well but I know how she perceived it was not well. She didn't argue anything at the time until after she said she wanted the divorce which is coming up soon. So this is one strike against me for what I said.
Two years ago, my wife and her family or my son would go on trips or to concerts or she would go on business trips and she would be elated. It was great. This year things changed. Not as many trips and the mood changed. Before our summer vacation trip she had been acting strange, distant. Sometimes she would wake up at 3-4 in the morning and be on her ipad and I would try to talk to her and she would blow me off and say its just things she's been trying to sort out. Some days I would see her doing the same thing and I would notice stuff like maybe she wasn't just reading stuff on her ipad but maybe emailing, texting or talking to someone else. I wasn't sure. During the summer we go on vacation and one morning I wake up and play footsies with her and it just ends there. When I look up and over at her it appears she's moving screens with her fingers like deleting stuff or whatever people do other than scroll the page of what they're reading, but I feel like I am blowing this all out of proportion. I confronted her about it and told her how it appeared like she pulled the phone away from me when I woke up and then swiped her thumbs. She claimed she did not such thing and I asked her if she was cheating on me. She got furious and couldn't believe I would accuse her. I'm in the doghouse.
Later we make up back at home but something is in the air. I asked her one day what was up and she told me she wasn't going on a work trip and she was bummed. I told her maybe she was overreacting and to be humble and look at what she was fortunate to have. She got really upset. Strike two. She said she knew but later on after saying she wanted the divorce, she said I wasn't in her corner on this and I didn't understand. I knew I mishandled this. She was up sometimes at night because of this, but BUT.... she had been up for weeks and not confided in me and she had been drinking sometimes which was not like her at all. I didn't catch on and I let things go by but I did try to ask and find out what the issue was.
It's the end of summer now and there's been a couple of things going on, also, her company had moved into a new building this year so she had been working out at this new gym getting into shape. New look, new clothes and undergarments. She even asked to get on birth control from the previous year. I never thought anything of it. Things just fell into place the way they did. Then one day I saw this guy's picture saved on the kids ipad which was from the icloud. I asked her about it and she said it was from a friend who texted it to her so she saved it so she could take a better look at it. I asked her to show me the friend's text and she said she deleted it to save space. I told her of all the excuses, to save space? While she had large group texts from her family saved... I still let it slide. But this guy's face was etched into my brain and I was like WTH he's almost fatter than me...
Another incident was when she had a female client friend she was starting to hang out with more often. She said she was going to go out of town with this person to a yearly company golf tournament. She was going to show her friend around. Usually she would go and sometimes would go during a weekend or just in the morning but seldomly. I asked well why cant you just go for the day and come back at night? We argued about this because I didn't trust her. With all the things going on she was very adamant on wanting to go with her friend and stay the weekend. Later after she left, she came back home that night and said her friend couldn't stay because she had dogs at home to take care of. My wife then said she left her laptop at the hotel and would need to drive back so I was thinking what is the whole point of the argument.
The storm is brewing. I have this feeling like I'm needing to find out what is going on, my wife kept saying its nothing she needs space and some distance. She isn't communicating to me and she is definitely not helping to ease my worries. I heard of this GPS tracker so I used it. I started to track her and I hated myself for using it. I would justify using it saying oh I would want to check on her being here or here. I wanted to tell her and I mentioned something about the app once during some small talk but she didn't catch on because she didn't know what it was. Well during one of our texts, I asked where she was and she said at work but that's not what the tracker said. So I did the lowest... I told her that I knew she would never lie on our kids graves so I asked her to swear that she didn't cheat and she swore. I couldn't go on, I didn't like what I was doing, I didn't bring up anything else or mentioned I knew she wasn't at work. She later told me she resented me for asking her to do that.
On top of all the drama, in July we decide to build a house. We have both our names on it and put the money down for a plot. We were going to pick the items at the design center etc. We were going to move to the next phase of our lives but we were still arguing with some underlying issues. My wife didn't want to speak on them.
Then in August, the week her boss left on a trip that she was suppose to be on, I email and text her. She's in an upbeat mood and I wanted to cheer her up. Earlier in the week we had been arguing, things were still not great at home, we argued about her distance and not opening up. We don't say I love you, we don't hug before going to work. I had started to work out to lose weight. I was miserable and depressed. Going back to her... I asked if she was at work and she said yes, so I called and she didn't pick up. I text her then she said she is in a work meeting. I texted her sister in law who also works there and she said she would check but didn't find her and then told me she was putting her phone on silence. I felt weird and then used the tracker and found out my wife was at a cantina. I sent her a pic of the location and she's mad I was tracking her and said the reason she didn't want to tell me was that she didn't communicate that she would be out earlier that week when I was asking where she would be so she thought it would be easier to divert and lie. She said it was a last minute impromptu meeting with some clients and one of her female friends with the client. I said it was pointless and I would have understood if she wanted to go out or had a last minute meeting. I naturally take it one step further... I decide to facetime her. She answers in the restroom and I'm asking where her friend is. She didn't answer or couldn't help the situation so I hung up.
I told her the night before I needed to trust her and I asked her to not ever lie to me like my mother has. She said she was better than that and wouldn't. I bring this up texting to her and then I did what hurt the most. I was at home and got destructive. I was tearing stuff up, her stuff. She later came home and saw what I had done and said she couldn't be with me. She could not forgive me. That's the first time I cried in 15 years because it kicked in, I realized what I had done. The one person I was supposed to be there for and protect, I caused hurt. I should have just walked away. I let my emotions get the best of me. I kept seeing that guy's face in the picture... That night my wife brought up what about the passion. I was so twisted I thought this was a clear sign she was cheating on me and found the passion in someone else. I later discovered what she meant in that I did nothing to kindle the flames. She later told me I stopped caring about myself, about her and us, our family. She said she felt alone and that I didn't help around the house like she would have liked. I told her that she never opened up to me. She said she is now because she has a voice. She wants to be independent.
For two months, I continued to do all the wrong things , I pursued for the kids, I smothered her. I blamed her. I also checked her phone log and saw unusual amounts of text from one number. I confronted her on it after finding out the name of the guy. He apparently texts her before her lunch and before she leaves for work a lot but not every day. I asked to see her phone and say well why isn't he listed. I was checking saved phone#s but he was under the texts. I said she was being secretive about everything and had issues with trusting how everything was lining up. She showed me his texts and asked me if I wanted to read them. I didn't have the heart. I didn't have the heart the other time to get into the car and drive to the cantina to see for myself what was going on. I left everything open. I wanted to find answers from my wife. I wanted her to fix me. I was so wrong for that. I even told her, you're on bc pills, you started being concerned about your looks, your new clothes, the guy's pic. I said there are clear signs that all point to an affair. It was all circumstantial...I had no real proof.
In the first two months, I hadn't talked to anyone. My wife and I send texts back and forth and there would be some okay days and some bad days. I started drinking a lot. I managed to lose 55 pounds in 3 months. Now my name is off the house. Some of her family knows of our situation but not everyone yet.
And here I am. I take all the blame for everything I've done to bring us to this point except that she had problems with me she harbored ill feelings and didn't give me a chance to help resolve them. She didn't communicate with me and the little she did when she wanted space, I kept pushing. Only after she said she wanted a divorce did she say she found her voice to tell me about all the problems. For two months we talked and bickered and then one day I told her I was getting help for myself. I stopped arguing with her, I started reading the books and I started to get help for myself. I'm doing the 180. She noticed immediately. I'm now learning to detach.
I have questions on detaching. My wife and I have been going out on the weekends a lot with her family for breakfast, dinner etc. When detaching do I not be around them either or her? I also work with an office full of women, some groups go out on Saturdays to try new restaurants. What is the general consensus with going out with women friends from work? Group okay, individuals no?
How can I balance being there for the kids and doing a 180 to be more helpful around the house but also be detaching at the same time? Like I help with bathing the little one more, I help with the homework. Instead of working out at the gym at work, I come home help with the kids and then get on the treadmill at home so she can see I'm putting in effort. I stopped the texting her every day. I stopped initiating every conversation and am not following her around the house but I do want to hold my end of the promises up like helping taking the kids to school and stuff like that.
Two weeks ago, we showed her family the model home which is the exact same plan she is getting. I stood quietly looking out the window and she saw me and knew it hurt that that was going to be our home but ever since August, she told friends and her siblings it was her home and that her sister who is helping to front her some money will be moving in the guest bedroom. Last week, she seemed to have felt guilty because we were out for breakfast and I had my hand on my sons shoulder and she put her hand on mine and caressed it in front of them. Naturally I placed my thumb over her hand. This was Saturday. On Sunday we go out to eat breakfast just us and the kids. I referenced the house as her house and with just us, she said our house. I was shocked... I didn't say anything. I remembered the trust nothing of what they say. Then when we got home, I'm all getting close to her. (This was before I read the detaching information) She moved away a little and my 6 year old said something like daddy kiss mom. She gave me this icy cold look and said no. I had to leave the situation and came in to read up on the detaching. After I did that's when she asked if I was still going to drop the kids off early at school and I told her we may have to revisit that so she said forget it. Am I doing the right thing? She has let me get closer to her than before in the beginning but I need to understand that means nothing and could actually hinder progress than help.
She doesn't know what I am reading but did see the book cover. She doesn't know of the site and I want to keep it that way. I did ask her once before if she would be interested in reading up on stuff and she said in her own time.
I need more info on detaching yet being that friend she needs. I feel like she may have been tempted to stray or might have been considering it, while wondering if this is all that I have to offer. I think she wants someone to match her and doesn't see that in me, and I don't know if I can come back from all the bad I've done.
If there is anything else to add, it would be that guy texted her from work one night after August and all year long before I didn't see his texts after a certain time but right after we sleep in separate rooms he texts. I got drunk one night and mentioned it and she said it was work related. There are times when other ppl from work has called her late at night. Then there are those romance novels she is so much more entrenched in reading now. She reads them all the time but sometimes I wonder if it helps her to fantasize about some other person or another life. One day after she knew she gave me her amazon password, I see this book in her browser history about affairs... and im wondering if she is for real about this or if she is testing my insecurity. I didn't bring it up.
I'm definitely going to need to come back here for strength because some days I question things, then other days I wonder how I could think such a thing about anyone else before I work on myself. I know I have a lot to work on.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Man, that is a lot to deal with. This is a great place to figure this out. I will say this. Not going to be east. I am still on this roller coaster and from what I have read/been told I am still at the beginning.
I am going to defer to more experienced here for now. Take care of yourself. Work on making healthy choices , sleep eat better, begin to up your activity level, go for walks. All activities you can do to keep a positive mindset.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I have questions on detaching. My wife and I have been going out on the weekends a lot with her family for breakfast, dinner etc. When detaching do I not be around them either or her? I also work with an office full of women, some groups go out on Saturdays to try new restaurants. What is the general consensus with going out with women friends from work? Group okay, individuals no? .
Please please do yourself a favor and learn what loving detachment really is. There is a lot of information here on it. So many newbies get this wrong and it causes them to throttle. Detachment is not about being around her or her family or not. It is about being emotionally stable no matter what.
Also, stay away from the women. Trust me, you do not want complications right now.
Originally Posted by Adam04
How can I balance being there for the kids and doing a 180 to be more helpful around the house but also be detaching at the same time? Like I help with bathing the little one more, I help with the homework. Instead of working out at the gym at work, I come home help with the kids and then get on the treadmill at home so she can see I'm putting in effort. I stopped the texting her every day. I stopped initiating every conversation and am not following her around the house but I do want to hold my end of the promises up like helping taking the kids to school and stuff like that.
It seems to me you answered your own question. Help with the kids FOR YOU AND THE KIDS, not her. That is detachment. You seem to think detachment = absence. That is not correct. Detachment is being present, pleased, happy, upbeat, fulfilled.
Originally Posted by Adam04
After I did that's when she asked if I was still going to drop the kids off early at school and I told her we may have to revisit that so she said forget it. Am I doing the right thing?
I missed something here. Please give more information on her question. I can't tell you if you did the right thing or not without more information surrounding this exchange.
Originally Posted by Adam04
If there is anything else to add, it would be that guy texted her from work one night after August and all year long before I didn't see his texts after a certain time but right after we sleep in separate rooms he texts. I got drunk one night and mentioned it and she said it was work related. There are times when other ppl from work has called her late at night. Then there are those romance novels she is so much more entrenched in reading now. She reads them all the time but sometimes I wonder if it helps her to fantasize about some other person or another life. One day after she knew she gave me her amazon password, I see this book in her browser history about affairs... and im wondering if she is for real about this or if she is testing my insecurity. I didn't bring it up.
So Adam, you seem in denial about a lot of things. At a minimum your W's OM is a fantasy (based on the romance novels). Someone that she has conjured up in her own head. More than likely she has had one or more EAs. But based on all you've shared I wouldn't doubt if she has even been involved in at least one or more PA. You say you and her don't have sex, yet she is on BC? She travels a lot, so has plenty of opportunities. These guys that call are all from work. Lots of red flags here.
Now here is the good news, it changes nothing you should be doing. Keep up the work on detachment. But first read all of cadet's links and really learn what detachment is. Read what sandi has to say about the cashier at the store. This is the dynamic you should be trying for with your W.
Adam, lots of us have been in your shoes. All of the stuff your W is blaming this on, while obviously true, gives no one the right to step outside of the marriage. Lots of women in their 40s start to look at their life and wonder if there is better out there. My W went through this. She talked about turning 50 and being married to me as if the two were incongruent. And she pointed back to things like they were huge deals, that really weren't. The thing about the business trip and the other things you mention are excuses. Yes you've done some things that hastened the impending BD, but BD was coming for you no matter what.
You are at the right place. Hang in there. Breathe. Concentrate on your 180s and GAL. Work on loving emotional detachment. Let her go to get her back. Be the strong, confident man she hasn't seen for years. Be the spouse only a fool would leave!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I wanted to find answers from my wife. I wanted her to fix me. I was so wrong for that. I even told her, you're on bc pills, you started being concerned about your looks, your new clothes, the guy's pic. I said there are clear signs that all point to an affair. It was all circumstantial...I had no real proof.
What do you call "real proof"? Do you need a video of her and OM having sex before you believe she's having an affair?
You want her to give you answers, but she is not going to be completely honest with you. She will swear on the lives of her children or the graves on her loved ones...….and it means nothing, b/c she has already compromised her integrity, and continue to deceive you in order to protect her secrets. Stop beating yourself up for trying to figure out what is going on with her. The wayward wife will twist the truth and make the H believe this is all his fault.
What do you mean you wanted her to fix you? She can't fix you. You can't fix her. She has stepped outside the bounds of matrimony and turned to someone else, so now you must focus on yourself independently from her. In other words, you cannot get healing from her while she's wayward. You've already started helping yourself with the weight loss, reading books, etc. That's great! We will be telling you things to do that may sound completely opposite of what you expected when signing up. when someone is farther down the road from you, listen to them.
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I was tearing stuff up, her stuff. She later came home and saw what I had done and said she couldn't be with me. She could not forgive me.
Well, being destructive is not a good move......but FWIW, if it had not been the excuse of you tearing up her stuff, she would have found something else. I just love it (not) when the self justifying WW tells her H she can never forgive him! This is a woman who is betraying you...….while making you feel that you are to blame. How do I know? B/c it takes one to know one.
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but I do want to hold my end of the promises up like helping taking the kids to school and stuff like that.
You didn't tell us about the promises made. When did this take place? What else was promised? Did she make any promises?
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She has let me get closer to her than before in the beginning but I need to understand that means nothing and could actually hinder progress than help.
When did she let you get closer? Are you referring to her touching your hand? That meant nothing, and you ran with it. She knows she is using you! She knows she is deceiving you! She is playing games with you. About the most honest she has been, is when she told you she wanted her independence. So, why are you tagging along when you know she doesn't want you? Where do you stand?
As for the lack of passion and all that other stuff she said...…...she is not going to feel any desire for you as long as another man is in her head. That's just the way women are designed. She may go out to dinner with you, spend family time together, and even have sex with your body parts....…..but it means absolutely nothing, if there is OM in her heart.
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She doesn't know what I am reading but did see the book cover. She doesn't know of the site and I want to keep it that way. I did ask her once before if she would be interested in reading up on stuff and she said in her own time.
Read the rules again. Don't try to get her to read anything. She is not interested in saving the MR. Don't let her see your DB books. These are your tools.
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Then there are those romance novels she is so much more entrenched in reading now. She reads them all the time but sometimes I wonder if it helps her to fantasize about some other person or another life.
Absolutely! It feeds her fantasy. There is such a thing as an "Imaginary affair", which means the character (OM) is not a real person. However, it is destructive. When a wife stays in an unsatisfying MR for years, these books give her the romance that is lacking in her reality. She sees the novels as an escape or outlet for her unpassionate MR. The H hardly stands a chance with the novel's hero. It's like with some women who get so obsessed with a male celebrity, she feels in love with him. I know it sounds sick, but it happens.
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I'm definitely going to need to come back here for strength because some days I question things, then other days I wonder how I could think such a thing about anyone else before I work on myself. I know I have a lot to work on.
I hope you will come here every day, b/c there is much to learn. This is not all your fault. You helped in the downfall of the MR, but you are not responsible for the decisions your W has made. I hope you will read my thread on the WW's mindset.
Did I understand correctly, that you are sleeping in separate bedrooms? Does she consider this as an "in-house" separation?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Please please do yourself a favor and learn what loving detachment really is. There is a lot of information here on it. So many newbies get this wrong and it causes them to throttle. Detachment is not about being around her or her family or not. It is about being emotionally stable no matter what.
Also, stay away from the women. Trust me, you do not want complications right now.
Got it, reread what I thought I understood the first go around on detaching, its the emotional piece. I am at a much better place than from 2 months ago. I have given her space, made attempts to validate her feelings whenever I get the chance, helped where I can without making it seem kiss-ass. Talks are never about us, the past, or the future. I allow her to be her and initiate and be comfortable. I may have slipped early on if she has this teary look in her eyes and we look at each other and I ask is everything okay, is there something you want to say and then she says no. It looks like the guilt was taking over. From that early time, I don't even bother to push with questions, all it took was one time. I had done enough of that. I told myself to build that wall up again around my heart so I don't cry... then I thought about it again, and said it felt good to cry, to feel, and let it all out. I need to embrace this with an open heart and love her like any person deserves to be loved. I don't want to wallow and be selfish in any negative way. I see what that does and how it made me feel angry all the time when we were in a relationship. I felt like during the years I fell into a slumber and let things change for the worst, but now I'm starting to wake up. I'm working on not getting triggered. I look at what I had written earlier and I am in denial. I need to just accept my intuition rather than sounding like I am still giving my W the benefit of the doubt when in 3 months she clearly is in this fantasy world.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by Adam04
After I did that's when she asked if I was still going to drop the kids off early at school and I told her we may have to revisit that so she said forget it. Am I doing the right thing?
I missed something here. Please give more information on her question. I can't tell you if you did the right thing or not without more information surrounding this exchange.
Sorry, I left out that two weeks ago I had offered to take the boys to school like on a Monday or Tuesday so she could work out early at her gym and she was happy with that. She had did that one week and said she was able to beat other people to the gym since a lot of them go during lunch time. After she was done working out in the morning she facetimed me saying thanks. The thought did cross my mind on what if she is seeing someone at work and have this extra early free time to be with that person. Do I entertain this idea if I am dealing with a WW? Do I make a statement saying I wont partake in any of that? Not trying to sound like a shmuck or being passive, but I don't want to think too much into it. I want to show her I am supporting her. That's on her if she decides to do anything crazy but I am helping with the kids and her if she needs. I read somewhere that dealing with the WAW, someone offered advice saying we should not be doing things for them like chores or things people in a relationship share. I don't know if I am taking this out of context without knowing the full dynamics of the situation.
Originally Posted by sandi2
You didn't tell us about the promises made. When did this take place? What else was promised? Did she make any promises?
There were no real promises made on either side, except that after that day when she said she wanted the divorce, I asked her to respect the marriage enough to not engage in anything that put us here to begin with. she said okay, but one of the early nights, I went to the room where she is sleeping with the kids and she had the door closed, I took the little one in to sleep next to her. She seemed startled and was saying she was reading up on options for the house on her ipad and jumped up as guilty as can be and walked out to the living room to start blabbing all about these options she wanted me to see. If she could only see the guilty look on her face. But I let it go. I know deep down what's going on, I don't want negative feelings to surface that'll lead to anger or some type of rage that would put anyone in danger. I think she would be scared to admit it for so many reasons, one she doesn't know what I would do and the other is how everyone would look at her.
In our first two months from August to September I did ask about how she felt on if I revisited us down the road and she said sure np. After the 2 months of this roller coaster ride, which was exhausting, we said lets chill and just not try to argue and we have. I've never asked her anything after that. It feels like coasting again though...but this time without all the arguing. Not sure if this is good or bad. She is taking this as a green light to do whatever, I am sure. She has been on a couple of weekend lunches with the "ladies" from work but I never made any attempt to care. It just feels better to think she is telling the truth rather than dwell on the negative, if that makes sense. (there won't be enough times however that I'll ask what is the best thing to do in this situation...)
Originally Posted by Steve85
So Adam, you seem in denial about a lot of things. At a minimum your W's OM is a fantasy (based on the romance novels). Someone that she has conjured up in her own head. More than likely she has had one or more EAs. But based on all you've shared I wouldn't doubt if she has even been involved in at least one or more PA. You say you and her don't have sex, yet she is on BC? She travels a lot, so has plenty of opportunities. These guys that call are all from work. Lots of red flags here.
Now here is the good news, it changes nothing you should be doing. Keep up the work on detachment. But first read all of cadet's links and really learn what detachment is. Read what sandi has to say about the cashier at the store. This is the dynamic you should be trying for with your W.
I am aware of my situation with the denial. I have been making it sound like it's all a coincidence or circumstantial when I know there is something else going on other than her being unhappy with my failings. I know she is in an affair, I just don't know the details. I imagine it's just as you mentioned it. One of the first things I read here was the story of the guy who stayed friends with his wife who had an affair and I want to be strong like that guy(I looked at the success stories for hope and I saw that true love is giving.) I want to show her unconditional love aside from personal pain I feel(to be honest there are some days I wonder why I am with her so it doesn't matter who pulls the trigger, what matters is that I am still trying even though I have felt probably just as she is). Now, how or when I deal with confronting her on the A is something I will need to research. I have been in a good place and I know these feelings can change really fast. That's why it's important to stay busy and be positive.
The thing with the BC now is that months ago after getting on it for what I thought was just so we don't have an accidental pregnancy, she has a cyst the BC is suppose to help with. She's had a couple before where I think this happened as well, the BC helps decrease the size of the cyst. She had to get a couple removed. As for work, guys call late night sometimes from the terminal and I can hear them talking if something goes wrong with her line of work. it doesn't happen all the time and I'm not saying things can't happen. They definitely can. She could take off a whole day and do whatever she wants and I'll never know. I know she has acted strangely, secretive, and the whole nine.
Originally Posted by sandi2
About the most honest she has been, is when she told you she wanted her independence. So, why are you tagging along when you know she doesn't want you? Where do you stand?
As for the lack of passion and all that other stuff she said...…...she is not going to feel any desire for you as long as another man is in her head. That's just the way women are designed. She may go out to dinner with you, spend family time together, and even have sex with your body parts....…..but it means absolutely nothing, if there is OM in her heart.
I'm in the process of reading up on the WW. I need to know how to handle this. I don't know where I truly stand because this is only the beginning. I know there is an A but I don't know if my feelings will change if I learn of the details. I know I have a long road ahead of me and to not expect anything. After I heard she wanted the divorce I was angry, I told her I was going to move out but that would have been in anger and I thought about the kids. I did not want to do that to them. If there is any day I could spend just more time with them I would. I'm not ready to leave them and have them question why we separated. Not yet, not out of anger... Right now I'm good, in a good place as can be emotionally.
If I move out now, it will be a huge financial strain. For 25 years, we had only one shared bank account and all my money went into it. A lot of money went into the new house. Once we sell this house, I might come out with enough cushion to be okay. If I move out with the situation of needing a new car as well, I'd need to look for a place near work which is pretty far from here as is. It would mean seeing the kids less. I'm not ready for that.
She was telling me she wanted the divorce after the new house is done in about another 8 months. Until then, we are living together so I can save money to move out on my own. I hope to make progress enough that in 8 months of detaching and GAL that if the D does happen I will be able to make the right decisions. Honestly, I was initially hurt by the OM, and during our first two months of arguing I had said a lot of stuff from the heart, from anger, and also fear. She said I would not forgive her if she cheated or that I couldn't get past my anger and she was right. But, I don't want to be that guy and I definitely don't want to be a weak guy letting her run all over me. I think I broke over 30 rules in the first two months after she dropped the bomb. I want to use this 8 months or however long I have to work on me and then go from there.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Did I understand correctly, that you are sleeping in separate bedrooms? Does she consider this as an "in-house" separation?
Yes, this is an in house separation. She sleeps with the kids in one room and me in another. Almost 3 months now.
The type of person I want to be is confident, loving, forgiving, patient, a good husband, a good dad, but also someone who wont put up with the affair. I want to know how I can help the situation get better to address or work on the WW.
For right now I'm doing the 180, detaching, and will be GAL with the kids and mostly by myself since most of my friends are female here from work.
Thank you all for your support and please keep it coming.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
The thing with the BC now is that months ago after getting on it for what I thought was just so we don't have an accidental pregnancy, she has a cyst the BC is suppose to help with. She's had a couple before where I think this happened as well, the BC helps decrease the size of the cyst. She had to get a couple removed. As for work, guys call late night sometimes from the terminal and I can hear them talking if something goes wrong with her line of work. it doesn't happen all the time and I'm not saying things can't happen. They definitely can. She could take off a whole day and do whatever she wants and I'll never know. I know she has acted strangely, secretive, and the whole nine.
I am no doctor, but from what I have read BC doesn't help with existing cysts. It only helps stop new ones from forming.
Look, one thing you need to have at the forefront of your mind is "believe NOTHING she says". Nothing. The capacity for the WW to lie is off the chart. That is what sandi was getting at with the "the only truth she has told you is she wants her independence".
Early on in my sitch I couldn't believe the changes in my WW. And her capacity for dishonesty was off the chart. Not sure about your religious beliefs, but we are extremely strong, conservative Christians. The woman wouldn't have told a white lie to save her life. Yet in the midst of her waywardness she was so dishonest it wasn't funny. I couldn't believe anything she said to me.
There was one Friday night early in January of this year where she went into the bathroom. She used to tease me about how long I take in the bathroom, and how she could do her business in just a few minutes. Well that night she went into the guest bathroom before we went to bed. It was about 1am. She was in there for almost an hour. I just knew she was in there taking pictures for her EA OM. Sure enough weeks later I found the evidence and the date and time on the pictures confirmed my suspicions. The point is that she was willing to be dishonest. "Are you okay? You were in the bathroom an awfully long time." "Yes, I've been having stomach problems."
WWs are like adult teenagers. They will say and do anything to do what they want to do and to get away with it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
To everyone posting , thank you for the support. Steve, I do understand what you're telling me. I too looked to see if there was information out there on it and didn't find any supporting information. I didn't challenge her on it. As you mentioned all this changes nothing on what I should be doing for myself. I need to catch up on reading on WW and the infidelity section of DR this weekend. I want to be on the right path to acceptance of the sitch and finding the best solution for short term and long term. Is there any more advice on my behavior I should be aware of from what I mentioned? I will be doing a lot of homework reading up on DR this weekend.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
