DjV - it so seems we are living parallel lives ...
I find the pretense the hardest bit. I want to scream all the time. "Come back you idiot. What we had was good". But I can't. I no longer have to pretend to be ok because I actually am. But pretending not to care is exhausting.
I have not spoken to him for five days. It is tough sitting in another room whilst he talks to the girls. I have no expectations that he wants to talk to me, but it is still very strange. D12 always puts him on speaker phone. Not sure why she does this, but she does. I can hear the entire conversation. He repeatedly says how much he is missing them and how much he loves them. It is very weird, a conversation you can hear, but are obviously not a part of. He took about 2 minutes to say goodbye "I miss you lots and lots and lots and lots blah blah blah".
It is strange that he hasn't asked to talk to me at all in the last five days. He normally likes to pretend that everything is normal (i.e. he can talk to me without feeling anything) so that he hasn't talked to me at all is kind of weird.
Having said that, I did send him a text asking how much D12's school excursion was as we had agreed to split it. I thought it would be three texts tops ("how much", "this much", "ok") but he kept the exchange going. He kept asking about D12's tummy aches. This went back and forth for a bit. I kept my responses short (I don't know, maybe). Eventually he ended the exchange with "Can't help but worry, she is still our little girl <sad face emoji>".
BTW - this is why I hate [censored] emojis.
I need to put my reaction into context. D12 has had reoccurring tummy aches since H announced he was leaving. Every time I mentioned it he would give me a snarl and say "It is normal pre-teen" stuff. Eventually, and only after his mum said there is something wrong, he agreed she should see a counsellor. I found one. The counsellor wanted to see H and I first. He sat there and said she was fine and that the only one with a problem was me. So, now that he is seemingly concerned about her welfare, it gets my back up a little. So, perhaps I did go a little cold.
GAL activities - I went to lunch with a guy I use to work with about 8 years ago. We ran into each other a few months ago and did the 'we should catch up' thing. I had to contact him about a work related thing and he said it would cost me lunch. I agreed. There was nothing in it, we talked work a little and about people we both know. It was pleasant conversation and nice company. I did not mention that H ad I had split up. Back in the day he use to fancy me a little, and I suspect still does. I am still not ready, but it did me good to have someone flirt with me a little. I probably won't see him again for another 8 years now.
No gym today - being a single mum means I am running to work, running from work and constantly late for everything !!!
FS... you are my inspiration and as much as I hurt that you are on this board and going through this as well, I am truly, truly grateful for your honesty and support. I think the distinction you made between being ok and yet still caring (being sad sometimes) is an important one. The idea that we can be okay but still be sad and that one does not negate the other. Like you, I do know that, deep down, I will be okay regardless of what my H does. I know that I am doing the work. I am pretty sure he is not (his work is all about convincing himself he is doing the right thing and not about looking in the mirror) but, that will be to his detriment, not mine. My life will be more authentic, meaningful and satisfying in the end. Of that, I am sure. I am sure yours will be as well.
I think that is great you had lunch with your old co-worker. I have no doubt he fancies you. Who, in their right mind,wouldn’t? [Your H is exempt from that question...clearly he is not in his right mind]. Of course you are not ready. You are a genuine, honourable person who knows herself. And you care too much about other people to make them a part of the circus. One day, if you H is stupid enough to not return, you will venture out there again and there will be many men who value and appreciate that fantastic woman that you are. But until then...
P.S. I know what you mean about getting your back up over H’s sudden concern. My H basically ignored our kids for the better part of four years and now he thinks he is in the running for father of the year. I figured out that is why I wanted to punch him at our parent-teacher meeting. I should have.
My H works a 24/7 roster. It means that childcare changes from month to month depending on when he is working. He has some control over this, i.e. there is a particular day or night he wants off, he can normally swap shifts, but he is at the mercy of a computer which allocates his shifts. Mostly I am accommodating because I know that he can't control it too much. It does annoy me that he gets to look through it first, then decide which days he doesn't want the kids, and then I get whatever is left.
For some reason there was a big break in his Nov roster (maybe planned, maybe not). So he decided to go away for a week. He told me by way of the monthly childcare schedule he gives me. It looked like this:
Thurs 8 - Away Fri 9 - Away Sat 10 - Away Sun 11 - Away Mon 12 - Away Tue 13 - Away Wed 14 - Away ? (the question mark means that he is going to try for a flight back but depends on seats) Thurs 15 - Collect girls after school and overnight Fri 16 - Take girls to school, collect and overnight
Away means flying, but sometimes might mean he wants to go out. I have stopped worrying about what he is actually doing. As there was seven of them in a row (normally 2-3 days tops) it looked odd, so he had to admit that he was going away.
I sent him a text this morning saying I had parked at the flat in case he decided to come home early. If he did, I would move the car.
I got a text back off him saying "Nope - coming home Thursday. Flight looks full so can you get N (our nanny) to look after the girls". I replied "No - she has the day off and I can't WFH that day as am running a workshop until 5:30. Can you ask your mum please", well, apparently she is going on holidays tomorrow and can't do it. Turns out he decided to go to Kula Lumper for two days and that's why he is stuck and can't get home.
I stayed home thurs and fri due to D12's tummy aches, and then had to do a half day yesterday to be home in time to pick up D9. It is my job that keeps a roof over mine and our children's heads.
Yes, they are my girls too and of course, if push came to shove, I would make sure they were looked after, but, just the sheer arrogance of thinking he can extend his holiday by two days and that everyone else would pick up the slack.
Am I being unreasonable refusing to budge. Should I back down and say, I will see if I can sort it out.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable but only you can decide if you want this to be your hill to die on, so to speak. It is arrogance, no doubt. And just plain inconsideration. Our H’s are used to being taken care of so they just assume we will accommodate their requests. The problem is that we also have kids who need to be looked after and can’t get dragged into the conflicts. It seems to me you don’t have a choice but to figure something out since he isn’t there. But...I would have a conversation with him about advance notice and sticking to the schedule unless it is absolutely unavoidable rather than changing it on a whim. It is disrespectful to just assume you will change your schedule to accommodate his.
Selfishness was always an issue in our relationship. Over the years I had just learned to absorb it. But the year before BD, it escalated to the point that we hardly ever saw him. He was either working, or going out. He just assumed I'd look after the children, so never bothered asking or telling me. That, and the fact that he was always so angry led me to ask him about two weeks before BD, if we were still ok. He seemed shocked, and after I told him how hurt I was by the constant criticism and the absences, he said "I didn't know" and promised to do better. Well, it was only me who tried. Every time I touched him he recoiled. Every time I spoke he pulled a face. I lay out what I wanted that night: be more considerate, be more present, and contribute more financially.
I thought he was getting there on the first two requests (in so far as the children) but this has caused me to take a step back. Yesterday he was texting me about how worried he was about D12 and today I find out that not only has he extended his holiday by two days, he is also decided to take a detour to Malaysia (he is supposed to be in Dubai) for those two days. None of his story adds up now.
Do I want this to be the hill I die on. No, of course not. But I need to set boundaries and they need to have consequences. He can't give me a schedule and then expect me to drop everything because he is in a bind (of his own making). He would have known on Sunday that he was going to be delayed yet he waits until today, and only because I sent him a text asking if I could park at his flat. He wasn't going to mention it until tomorrow. He is going to ask his sister and she is going to say no. He is then going to ask me again, and I will say no. His options are to beg me to sort it out (i.e. see if I can arrange for one of the other mums to have them) or he will need to pay for a commercial ticket like everyone else.
Advance notice is not my H's thing. We have a schedule, but he thinks nothing of changing it at the last minute and expecting me or his mum to pick up the slack. When I need to change something, I ask, and if he can't do it, I sort something else out. It is about time he did too. If/when we get a formal separation order where he has the kids 50% of the time he will have to book these last minute solo holidays on his weeks without the kids or work out childcare arrangements for them like every other single parent.
Yes, I am a little [censored] off at the moment. But I still think I am in the right on this.
Update - his sister has agreed to mind the girls for him Thursday. He did not have the courage to tell me so asked the girls to relay the information when he was on the call with them. Whilst he was on the phone, D9 piped up that she had netball after school Thursday and D12 (who is at a different school) so Thursday's school run will not be as easy as normal (and it isn't that easy in the first place)/
I am sure I have been made to be the bad guy in all of this.
Take feeling out of it and look at it rationally and logically. We rarely make good decisions based on emotion. Giving up is a big step. If you pull the trigger, will that feeling last? What if tomorrow you feel like not giving up?
Take time and just breathe. Relax. Take some time. Think about what you WANT not what you FEEL. And yes, they are different.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I feel that way too today FS. I'm at work today...trying to concentrate on the things I need to but find myself on here while everyone else is eating pizza in our boardroom (I don't do carbs). Today I am just sad and tired and feeling very "woe is me", "I didn't deserve this." My H told me yesterday that he is "trying to be the best person he can be" currently. That is the way with him... he is always trying, never actually doing. That statement to me is laughable. In other words, I will just cut out anything in my life that makes me feel bad about myself (i.e. you DV6) and keep the things that make me feel good and then I will be a good person. Uh...no...wrong... that is a short cut... how about taking a hard look in the mirror and start to take some responsibility for your choices. Make some REAL changes. Man, there is a part of me that just wants to go OFF on him. But no...I smile, I nod, I choose my words VERY carefully.
I am so wanting to let him go. I mean, it would be such a relief to just not think about any of this or at least have no sadness when I do. But GAL is a step-by-step process and I find that I take one forward and then one back. And sometimes, in the moment, I feel like I am taking one forward (like in my discussion with my H) but then, later on, in reflection, I realize it was actually a step backward. So frustrating...and exhausting...and painful.
Take feeling out of it and look at it rationally and logically. We rarely make good decisions based on emotion. Giving up is a big step. If you pull the trigger, will that feeling last? What if tomorrow you feel like not giving up?
Take time and just breathe. Relax. Take some time. Think about what you WANT not what you FEEL. And yes, they are different.
I know. It just feels like he constantly disappoints me (a statement in itself which is full of expectations). I had really thought he was putting the children first. I was fine with him going away, with not knowing if he was lying about where he was ... all of that I had accepted.
But then he goes and extends his holiday without telling anyone. Not only that he decides to extend it because he wants to take a two day detour TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD. No consideration for childcare or the girls.
He did this all through our M. He would say he was only going out for a couple of drinks and be home at 3 (when the clubs/bars closed). He would say he was going away for a long weekend (say a stag do) but on the week of the stag do it would turn out he was leaving Thurs morning and coming back Wednesday. He would rather say sorry (not that he ever said sorry, would just sneak in pretending nothing happened) than ask permission. I know, everyone is thinking OW. But no, my H just liked 'being one of the lads'.
I am not going to do anything drastic. Just double down on my detachment efforts. Maybe not be so accommodating. I am thinking of booking a skiing trip in Feb. I have already spoken to MIL about it and she said she would watch the kids (we won't know what H is doing until he gets his roster in Jan).
What do I want. I want to not feel like this. But I know I am in a spin because I have a) caught him in another one of his orchestrated lies and b) he expects everyone to jump through hoops for him. I probably won't see him till the weekend now so will have time to reflect before I see him.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
My H told me yesterday that he is "trying to be the best person he can be" currently. That is the way with him... he is always trying, never actually doing. That statement to me is laughable. In other words, I will just cut out anything in my life that makes me feel bad about myself (i.e. you DV6) and keep the things that make me feel good and then I will be a good person.
I am a little envious that your H talks about his feelings. But I can see how it comes across as a little heartless.
I was speaking to someone today and they said that R is more likely when there is a PA because it is passion that makes the S leave and that kind of passion cannot be sustained. When they leave for no apparent reason then there was an emotional void in the relationship. Because there is no 'tangible' reason then it takes real courage to leave. Once they've left, then they don't know if they will ever have the courage again. Not sure how much I agree, but it made sense at the time.
