Those are perfect responses to those statements. I wish I was armed with those last night. However, if we have a conversation similar to that again, I’ll be ready. I’m going to practice and rehearse this when I’m alone.
Thanks for the encouragement on me telling him the truth. I just couldn’t help it. He needed to hear what I had to say.
Thank you all so much! I truly appreciate all the encouragement, I need it!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Wow! Today was the first time he has ever left the house without kissing me on my check and saying have a good day. Maybe he’s going to start detaching too. I will admit that it made me a little sad. I think he may be ready to pull away and to stop pursuing me. Maybe that’s what his therapist advised him to do yesterday. Again, it makes me a little sad because I do miss him. I’m also still sad that I’m facing the end of my marriage head on. I’m just being human stating all of this. This doesn’t mean I’m going to start pursuing or begging him. I’m staying the course of GAL and detaching. As hard as it is, I have got to continue to move on.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Wow! Today was the first time he has ever left the house without kissing me on my check and saying have a good day.
I know how much all those firsts hurt. My H use to kiss me goodbye everyday and sign off all phone calls with 'ok, love you'. One day they just stopped. You are right, he is detaching too. He doesn't know what he wants, and his head doing these little things are 'giving you hope'. This was my H go to phrase whenever I mentioned something (him taking his ring off, him not signing off his texts with 'x' etc).
Pretend it has no effect on you (really hard I know).
Wow! Today was the first time he has ever left the house without kissing me on my check and saying have a good day.
I know how much all those firsts hurt. My H use to kiss me goodbye everyday and sign off all phone calls with 'ok, love you'. One day they just stopped. You are right, he is detaching too. He doesn't know what he wants, and his head doing these little things are 'giving you hope'. This was my H go to phrase whenever I mentioned something (him taking his ring off, him not signing off his texts with 'x' etc).
Pretend it has no effect on you (really hard I know).
Thank you for sharing your experience with this FS. For the past 3 weeks that we have been on this roller coaster ride he has always still kissed me before he left for work. It’s been that way our entire marriage. So yes it’s really hard knowing that today he didn’t do that. Breaks my heart a little.
Yesterday he told me that he will always love me. I think that’s his way of saying goodbye. He also so said that his therapist told him that it’s not a good idea to move to another state until he works on fixing himself. I told him that I wasn’t aware that he was thinking of moving to a new state. He said he hadn’t made a decision to do that but he just wasn’t sure what he would do. Basically moving to another state was one of his options. He said that he was going to really focus on fixing himself.
I’m glad he went to therapy. I’m also glad he’s receptive to the advice the therapist gave him. I’m glad that he seems to be ready to attack his demons and work on himself. I truly hope he does that. No matter what happens to us, I do wish the best for him and want him to be happy.
He even had the nerve yesterday to say that my new man is going to love me. Like what?
This is a hard journey but I’m trusting my higher power. I’m a believer and I believe that God will work all this out for my better good. This is life...not the life I planned...but life.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Detach L, no expectations. Let him do the work he needs on himself. Just detach and GAL. I know it´s easy to say but, as you said, it´s life, YOUR life.
Stay strong Living, it´s a marathon, relax.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Detach L, no expectations. Let him do the work he needs on himself. Just detach and GAL. I know it´s easy to say but, as you said, it´s life, YOUR life.
Stay strong Living, it´s a marathon, relax.
Thank you. This is the only thing I can do.
I do have a question for anyone that can help. Do I still do his laundry during this? We normally do each other’s laundry. Like if we are doing laundry, we have always just washed the other persons things as well. Do I cease doing that and only focus on my laundry. I’m not trying to be mean but I just want to know how I should handle that.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
If your confident he's not in an active A you should continue to do his laundry. One way another it changes nothing.
Ok, thank you for the response. I swear I’m so thankful for this group. It really helps to have support from people who understand the journey I’m on.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I then made a huge mistake, I'm human, so please don't judge me too harshly. I first thanked him for opening up to me. I thanked him for being honest with me. Here is where I made the mistake and broke the rules...
I told him that he had unrealistic expectations for what he wants in a spouse and a marriage. I told him he wants a woman that looks good all the time and is ready to have sex on a whim. I guess she is not supposed to be a mother and have a life. She just needs to be ready to have sex with you when you like.
I then pointed out that it doesn't seem like he is willing or has what it takes to make a long-term relationship work. I told him he expects all his needs and wants to be met but isn't willing to do the work to satisfy his spouse's needs and wants. He is very one-sided.
I told him that he wants a woman that is fun and spontaneous, yet he is boring. He doesn't initiate date nights or anything.
I told him that he wants a woman that maintains her weight and appearance, yet he isn't maintaining his.
So needless to say, I know I shouldn't have said all of that. I am still in the process at Detaching, so I am a work in progress.
Are you kidding??? THAT WAS AWESOME!!!! The classic mistake here is to say "oh but please give me another chance, I can be all of that and more to you!!" I love that you put him in his place. DB'ing is all about validation but when you're dealing with a pouty MLCer it's like a child that demands candy in the checkout line. You don't validate crap like that, you have to be firm with them. Well done!
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I will say that some of what I am doing is working. Because he said it's weird, he doesn't feel like he has that spark for me anymore but lately, he has been wanting me real bad.
Well he just wants you sexually, and you really don't want to go there after being preached to about what a terrible wife you are. Keep holding the line on that. He's got a long, LONG way to go before he hits bottom and realizes how bad he's screwing up. In the meantime you need to be patient.
Originally Posted by Living
I do have a question for anyone that can help. Do I still do his laundry during this? We normally do each other’s laundry. Like if we are doing laundry, we have always just washed the other persons things as well. Do I cease doing that and only focus on my laundry. I’m not trying to be mean but I just want to know how I should handle that.
Does he still do it sometimes too? If so then keep doing what you've been doing like LH said. Also, go out and get yourself some sexy new panties and start wearing them. I would love to see his face when he finds those in the laundry. Make him wonder what you are up to.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/29/1801:23 PM. Reason: combine posts
