The only thing you should believe are his behaviors. Not his words.
The best way to communicate with him is through your behavior. Use your words sparingly. Boundaries and validation. Always speak the truth. Make sure you understand body language and that you are communicating the right messages to him.
It is best to think of him as a new man who you have your eye on. Lets imagine you are single and this is a new single guy that just moved into the apartment across the hall. How would you treat him?
Thank you so much for the encouragement. If he was a guy in the apartment across the hall and we talked and he said all the confusing things he’s said to me, I wouldn’t be interested in him at all. I would see someone that was not my type or someone I wouldn’t be interested in because he’s a complete mess.
I just can’t believe this is my life at freaking 42. I can’t understand why this is happening to me. It’s so frustrating.
What pisses me off the most is Mr. I’m bored with my routine and want to start doing the things in life I want to do, hasn’t done anything. He had the entire weekend to go do some of the things he’s stated he wants to do, but guess what Mr. I Hate Routines did? He did the same thing he always does...he sat around with his boring self and was sleep by 9 pm on a Saturday evening. For someone who is tired of his routine he hasn’t changed crap. So I guess he’ll magically come alive once he moves out. I swear I want to smack the crap out of him. No worries, I won’t. I’m just venting.
I hope I don't come off as arrogant and the age difference between my WAW and Mr. I'm bored sound similar in this.
One of the main reasons she wanted to separate and D in the future was because she felt she was too young and hadn't had a chance to better herself and live her life. But when we were together she would watch TV more than anything. She did work A LOT and I mean that! But when she did have time at home I never saw her show any interest for going back to college or ever once saw her pick up a book.
I guess they might believe that once they break free all of their ambition or new personality will take over.
He’s going to be 46 in a few months and no you don’t come off as arrogant. He has made statements that he he didn’t do things right career wise and that he’s spent his life living for others.
It just cracks me up because like he listed off a few things that he wanted to do but hasn’t been doing, yet he isn’t doing any of those things and I’m not holding him back from doing them. Like he hasn’t done not even one of the things he claims to want to do. And these are simple things like freaking fishing.
He’s going to have to meet some younger friends or divorced men when he moves out. Because most of his friends are in other states and are married. The friends that he has here most are married or in committed relationships. So like who the heck is going to be available to hang out with you in your new life? You are in your late 40’s not your late 20’s. Maybe he should join a support group for single men over 40.
When it comes to another woman, if and when he does move on, she will have to be younger than him...maybe in her 20’s. Because I don’t know any woman (although I’m sure there are a few out there) in her 40’s that won’t have standards and expectations for a relationship. So I guess he’s going to be spending the rest of his good years in revolving relationships. That’s so freaking sad to me. But hey it’s what he wants.
Last edited by Living; 11/11/1808:03 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
For the past couple of days I’ve basically been putting as much distance as I can between H and I. Of course he isn’t really doing well with it. He says he doesn’t like that I don’t talk to him.
Last night we were both sitting on the sofa and he stretched out to lay down and then laid his head on my arm. It is so true what you all say about checking temperature because the whole time he was positioning himself to lay down on my arm, he was looking at me to see how I would react.
Mr I’m so tired of the routine and our marriage is boring fell asleep. Imagine that. It was 7 pm.
After finishing up what I was doing on my laptop, I got up. Which was probably about maybe 10 minutes later. I then proceeded to head up to my bedroom and he asked, are you coming back. I just kept walking.
After my long bubble bath, I came back downstairs to clean the kitchen and put dinner away. Once I was finished, I noticed that he was staring at me. I said are you ok? He said I’m just waiting for you to come back and sit down next to me.
I didn’t go and sit down next to him, I went back upstairs to my room.
I can’t belive how stupid this all is. However, I’m proceeding with the detachment. It’s not easy but I know it’s the best thing for me to do for me!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living, what FlySolo posted to you is spot-on I think. It really does sound like depression and MLC. You are confused because HE is confused. You're trying to make sense out of that which doesn't make any sense! His words and actions are going to be completely confusing and even contradictory from day-to-day or even minute-to-minute. In cases of MLC it's really important to detach and GAL because the more you are around the craziness the more crazy you start to feel yourself. Don't let him pull you in!
Regarding the whole couch thing, I think you did the right thing in leaving him on the couch and taking care of stuff. He dismissed you as his wife, he doesn't get to do that and then enjoy cuddle time and sex and such. Just understand that doing that once will not change things, so don't have any expectations that it will. You've got to be consistent over a long period of time before he will learn to miss you.
Right now you're still in the mode of "I want to put things back to normal" which is completely understandable. But he knows that's where you are and thus you are Plan B for him right now. Plan B is "I'll string her along so I can enjoy family time and have sex now and then but as soon as something better comes along I'll jump ship, but I'll throw her crumbs now and then to keep her on as Plan B in case Plan A falls through." You do not want to be Plan B and you do not deserve "second chair" treatment! You are the prize, never forget that. Once he learns to miss you and realize you're not allowing him to stuff you into Plan B, your "value" will go up in his eyes. Again this takes time, especially with an MLCer because they typically have to hit rock bottom before they realize everything they've lost.
Living, what FlySolo posted to you is spot-on I think. It really does sound like depression and MLC. You are confused because HE is confused. You're trying to make sense out of that which doesn't make any sense! His words and actions are going to be completely confusing and even contradictory from day-to-day or even minute-to-minute. In cases of MLC it's really important to detach and GAL because the more you are around the craziness the more crazy you start to feel yourself. Don't let him pull you in!
Regarding the whole couch thing, I think you did the right thing in leaving him on the couch and taking care of stuff. He dismissed you as his wife, he doesn't get to do that and then enjoy cuddle time and sex and such. Just understand that doing that once will not change things, so don't have any expectations that it will. You've got to be consistent over a long period of time before he will learn to miss you.
Right now you're still in the mode of "I want to put things back to normal" which is completely understandable. But he knows that's where you are and thus you are Plan B for him right now. Plan B is "I'll string her along so I can enjoy family time and have sex now and then but as soon as something better comes along I'll jump ship, but I'll throw her crumbs now and then to keep her on as Plan B in case Plan A falls through." You do not want to be Plan B and you do not deserve "second chair" treatment! You are the prize, never forget that. Once he learns to miss you and realize you're not allowing him to stuff you into Plan B, your "value" will go up in his eyes. Again this takes time, especially with an MLCer because they typically have to hit rock bottom before they realize everything they've lost.
You are spot on! He is a walking contradiction so I know he must be confused. You are right also that if I continue to listen to his BS, it will drive me insane.
I’m being consistent for sure. Today when I got home from work, he told me how much he missed me, missed taking to me, missed smelling me, missed seeing my face, blah...blah. I told him, you’ll get used to it. I kept the conversation short and sweet and then left him in the room alone and headed to my bedroom.
As for being in the mode of wanting to put things back together, I will say that I’m learning that no matter what my marriage will never be what it was before. There is no putting it back together. Too much has happened. If by the grace of God we survive this, we will have to build a whole new marriage. My old marriage and my old husband is gone. That’s a big pill to swallow but I’ve swallowed it with a tall glass of water.
I love how you said I’m the prize! You are absolutely correct. There is no way I will settle for being anyone’s plan B. I’m still working on the GAL. I have filled my calendar up with some things this weeke and weekend.
Thanks so much for the real talk and the encouragement!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I’ve been busy GAL and the H has definitely noticed it. I’ve also been doing things around the house that he once complained weren’t being done. I’ve been consistent with all of this for the past few weeks. The other day as I was loading the dishwasher, he came in the kitchen and actually helped me.
Then on Saturday he asked me out to dinner. I accepted his offer and we went and had a nice dinner. After dinner we returned home and I thanked him for a lovely evening and went to my room. He looked a little sad but I left him sitting on the couch.
Then on Sunday we went grocery shopping and to lunch. We actually laughed and had some fun. Later that day he told me that he enjoyed the day we had and that it felt good. He told me how much he loves me and how much he misses me. He then told me that he knows he has hurt me and he is very sorry. I just sat there and listened to him. I actually didn’t know what the heck else to do. He said that he hopes I don’t hate him.
Later Sunday evening he begin trying to be affectionate towards me. By affectionate I mean trying to touch me I guess in an affectionate way. I asked why he was doing this, he said because I’m his wife and he loves me. I told him I hope he doesn’t think that things can go back to the way they were and that we can just pick the marriage up where it left off. He said he understands.
Listen, I’m at a loss. I’m not sure what to do. My therapist says I need to have a long talk with him and see what he wants to do about the marriage. I’m not sure if that’s what I should do or not. However, I do think a conversation must be had because I think he may be thinking that we can just resume the marriage. I can say without a doubt that there is no way in hell we can resume this marriage without resolving some major issues.
The crazy thing is I can see signs of the man I fell in love with showing up. Now make no mistake I’m still playing things cool and I’m not acting excited when he says these things to me. I guess I’m just confused as to how I proceed now.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
UPDATE My therapist says I need to have a long talk with him and see what he wants to do about the marriage. I’m not sure if that’s what I should do or not.
We typically don't encourage relationship talks because they never seem to go the way the LBS thinks they will. Things seem better and the LBS brings up a R talk and the WW spouse pretty much gut punches them and says "nothing has changed". This then sends the LBS cycling again.
If you are ready for the "are you in or out of the marriage talk" and are prepared to ask him to leave, move out or file for divorce if you don't get the answer you are looking for then do it.
If not, which I don't think you are, just keep doing what your'e doing. Detach, GAL and work on yourself.
Again you are in a marathon and probably have run a quarter of a mile of the 26 miles race. This takes infinite patience.
Listen, I’m at a loss. I’m not sure what to do. My therapist says I need to have a long talk with him and see what he wants to do about the marriage. I’m not sure if that’s what I should do or not. However, I do think a conversation must be had because I think he may be thinking that we can just resume the marriage. I can say without a doubt that there is no way in hell we can resume this marriage without resolving some major issues.
The crazy thing is I can see signs of the man I fell in love with showing up. Now make no mistake I’m still playing things cool and I’m not acting excited when he says these things to me. I guess I’m just confused as to how I proceed now.
I am by no means a DB expert. And this is the only post of yours that I've read so far. But I see an opportunity here to shift the dynamics a little. Don't do the work for him. He needs to do the work to show that he wants you. Let him come to you. Others might have something to say about this but I think if HE'S interested, he won't STOP being interested just because YOU didn't take the initiative to bring up the R talk. Let him bring it up. In the meantime, think of some of the ways you might respond.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Living - I'm with you. My W is the same type of person your H seems to be in their MLC. Too kind. Lost. "Sorry" (but not really meaning it yet). Saying that we deserve better (because we do, and they kind-of know that, but perhaps only logically)
You've been doing an awesome job at validating and working on detachment. I have a lot to learn from you! I know a lot of folks on these forums are dealing with spouse craziness of a different beast, but you and I are fighting the same type of beast in this moment. It's the kindness that's hard to side-step, because you can't really argue with them, but you still know they're not sincere.
Listen, I’m at a loss. I’m not sure what to do. My therapist says I need to have a long talk with him and see what he wants to do about the marriage. I’m not sure if that’s what I should do or not. However, I do think a conversation must be had because I think he may be thinking that we can just resume the marriage. I can say without a doubt that there is no way in hell we can resume this marriage without resolving some major issues.
The crazy thing is I can see signs of the man I fell in love with showing up. Now make no mistake I’m still playing things cool and I’m not acting excited when he says these things to me. I guess I’m just confused as to how I proceed now.
I am by no means a DB expert. And this is the only post of yours that I've read so far. But I see an opportunity here to shift the dynamics a little. Don't do the work for him. He needs to do the work to show that he wants you. Let him come to you. Others might have something to say about this but I think if HE'S interested, he won't STOP being interested just because YOU didn't take the initiative to bring up the R talk. Let him bring it up. In the meantime, think of some of the ways you might respond.
Thank you for your response. I agree with letting him do the work and he absolutely needs to because he’s the one that claimed he was unhappy. The one thing that I am noticing is that he hasn’t stopped pursuing me no matter how much I reject him. I think as others have said it’s best to continue to work on myself and GAL. I will monitor his behavior to see how sincere he really is. But I refuse to bend unless he can get to a point where he sees the errors in his ways and wants to be a better person. Not just for me and the kids but for himself as well. As you stated, he needs to be the one to bring up the R talk. As you also said, I just have to figure out what my response to it will be.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living - I'm with you. My W is the same type of person your H seems to be in their MLC. Too kind. Lost. "Sorry" (but not really meaning it yet). Saying that we deserve better (because we do, and they kind-of know that, but perhaps only logically)
You've been doing an awesome job at validating and working on detachment. I have a lot to learn from you! I know a lot of folks on these forums are dealing with spouse craziness of a different beast, but you and I are fighting the same type of beast in this moment. It's the kindness that's hard to side-step, because you can't really argue with them, but you still know they're not sincere.
OMG yes to all of this. You get it! The kindness is kind of weird to me. To be honest, I didn’t expect him to react the way he has after I detached and started GAL. I guess I expected him to notice but I didn’t expect him to start telling me he loves me daily and to pursue me as much as he has. I’ll be honest, some days it cracks me up. I’ll ignore his text messages and he has a tough time dealing with that.
I appreciate your compliment on how I’m handling things. You’ll get there, trust me it is so hard. I may make it sound easy but it’s hard for sure. I will say this, I know my worth and I’m glad I’m back at not accepting anything less than what I’m worth. So if he truly wants me back, he better buckle up because he’s in for a bumpy ride. Truth is my husband is seeing a side of me that he’s never seen. I know this side of me exists but he’s never seen it and I think that may be scaring him a bit. He keeps saying that he is finding it hard to let me go.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
