I feel the same way you do about my marriage. People would ask me if I was happy (this was before the BD). I said “well, I’m only unhappy because he’s unhappy. If he was happy, I’d be happy.” Huh? Short answer is “No. I was not happy.”
I was at that place as well. It is not healthy. If you haven't already, I recommend you read Codependent No More. That is something you can work on for yourself.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I had this "realization" today. Call me dense in that it really just clicked for me today. This all started in June, and he lived in our house until August. During that time, we fought a lot but would also have sex. He moved out in August, but since he moved out, we have had family dinners on a weekly basis and have slept together quite a few times after these family dinners.
Yesterday when he said his life was a mess and he was miserable and just wanted to move on from me, I realized how much he really associates me with his misery. He has a great, high powered job that, yes, is stressful, but he still likes it. His family is supportive of him. He's got the kids 50/50. He's in the best shape of his life. In his head, the only thing I think that could be making him miserable is me and maybe if he's not getting the OW away from her H or finding someone new to move on with. Given I'm still around with the dinners and sex, he probably thinks that is what is truly still making him miserable. I really, really do need to detach for my own good but also for him to realize that even when I'm not around, his life will still be a mess and he's miserable. Maybe he won't but, at this point, I really can't continue to live this way.
You need to DB for you Cdd. Your H has been incredibly disrespectful. If this was a friend of yours going through this, what would you tell her to do? I reread some of your thread and your H’s comments about taking a video of you with another guy and coming over for “sloppy seconds” was revolting. Honestly. That comment is not coming from someone even remotely deserving of your love or even your forgiveness. I know this is hard. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and I’ve been through a lot. But it is fear that has been ruling your mind and your heart. Fear and longing for what could have been... not what was. I know, I know... I talk a good game...trust me, I know it is easier said than done. I find, however, that the more I write and the more I read and really step back, the stronger I feel. And yes, when I see him and we have such normal interactions, I do take a bit of a step back. BUT...I am proud to say that it is not as big of a step back as it was in the beginning. Listen to your H. He is right. If this is all he has to offer you, you will be much, much, much better off in the long run. ((((HUGS))))
I took many "steps back" as well. Everyone does. If you continue to work on your detachment and GAL then you will be in a better place to deal with your situation.
If you totally stop pursuit and go GAL he will be crying. He already can't take it if you don't respond to a text quick enough or answer you phone. He is cake eating and you are serving it up on request.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I feel like I am doing some sort of two-step dance. It never stops. You are moving forward... you are just sad sometimes. Who wouldn’t be? GAL and let him go.
After this conversation, I felt even more hopeless about the chances of our marriage working out.
Which is exactly why you should never temp check them. They never, ever say what YOU want them to say. It's just more of the same crap- "I'm done, it's over, there's no chance of recon, I want you to move on, I'm moving on, we need to end this ASAP." It's PRESSURE at a time he wants ZERO PRESSURE. Whenever you temp check you set yourself all the way back to square one. It's you telling him "I am still Plan B, please throw me a crumb here, I'm desperate." A temp check is FORCING him to say all those negative things whether he really believes it or not, because he feels obligated to say them to make you move on.
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He is really in this place where our marriage represents sadness and unhappiness and he feels he wouldn't go back.
YES, he IS! With time he will come out of that. But you've got to have abundant patience.
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I think he feels he is a mess right now because that's not yet happening for him.
And I think you spend WAY too much time trying to figure out what he's thinking and feeling and what it all means. STOP the mind-reading because he doesn't even know! He's expressing a lot of confusion and feelings of being lost which is EXACTLY what most WAS's are going through after BD. They're on a journey that only they can make.
Stop the snooping, you know there's an OW so what more could you possibly learn.Get out. GAL. Work on yourself.
Thanks for your feedback everyone. It really helps.
I dropped off the kids at H’s Monday night. He was exceptionally sweet and kind to me. Gave me a big hug and asked me to stay for dinner, which I did. After the kids went to bed we talked on the couch. He held my hand and looked me in the eye and kept giving me that look he used to when we were together and in love. He said he was sorry he got angry. He said he was just trying to enjoy his weekend. He told me he loved me several times. I know we both wanted to sleep together but didn’t.
He had the kids the next day and he sent me a text in the afternoon asking how I was. We actually had a normal conversation about each of our days like we used to when we were together. That evening I went out with friends. I get a text from him at 9:30 pm asking if I’m going to get “laid” tonight. Ugh. Here I thought the kind man I knew was coming around. But nope, crude, jealous, crazy H was back.
Today I had the kids so, of course, radio silence. Though I know he’s on a business trip but still, I expected it. He emailed a couple mediators and cc’d me to get an intro meeting scheduled.
I swear I’m going to get whiplash with his constant personality changes.
I see him Monday for my son’s parent teacher conference. After that, I won’t see him for almost two weeks due to the holiday schedule and a business trip of his. I’m going on vacation while he has the kids for Thanksgiving. He keeps asking what my plans are and with who but it’s none of his business. It’s driving him crazy. I plan not to reach out to him. Wish me luck and strength to do that and not get weak and wonder what he’s doing when I don’t hear from him.
He was exceptionally sweet and kind to me. Gave me a big hug and asked me to stay for dinner, which I did. After the kids went to bed we talked on the couch. He held my hand and looked me in the eye and kept giving me that look he used to when we were together and in love. He said he was sorry he got angry. He said he was just trying to enjoy his weekend. He told me he loved me several times. I know we both wanted to sleep together but didn’t.
Classic WAS behavior. He's just throwing you enough crumbs to keep you on as Plan B, but as far as he is concerned it's still full steam ahead with wrecking the marriage.
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I swear I’m going to get whiplash with his constant personality changes.
He's actually being completely consistent with WAS behavior. The problem is your expectations. Every time he says or does something nice you interpret that as a softening of his position. IT IS NOT. He's just stringing you along while he sorts all his plans out. Later? Who knows, he may very well have a turnaround. But for now this is who he is.
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He keeps asking what my plans are and with who but it’s none of his business. It’s driving him crazy.
GOOD! You are right, it's none of his business. And it's driving him crazy? Awesome, you're doing something right
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I plan not to reach out to him. Wish me luck and strength to do that and not get weak and wonder what he’s doing when I don’t hear from him.
Hi guys. I'm in a really low place right now. I feel the same way I did when I first found out about the other woman in June. So here I was on Friday minding my own business and taking care of the kids. He calls me and tells me he's going to the mountains to camp and needs to get something from the garage on his way home from work. I said ok. He comes by for a few minutes and before he leaves he hugs me and kisses me. Then he sends me a text message "You look great."
He sent me a text later in the evening checking in because my son is sick and his asthma was bothering him. He says "You're a great mom" with a heart emoji.
The next day, I find out from a friend that he and the other woman are indeed "hanging out." She has slept at his place and she was actually camping with him this weekend. I know I shouldn't have, but I lost it. I sent him angry text messages telling him that I know it's not my business but he lied to me when I asked him last week if he was dating her. He had spotty cell reception and responded back saying he didn't lie. That I always assume I know the whole story but I don't know. Yes, she sleeps over sometimes and yes they hang out, but he can date whoever he wants. And he would not admit to actually "dating" her or "seeing" her. I told him I was mad that he never gave us a second chance and he admits I've changed but he doesn't give me a chance to really talk to me and see if we can work things out because when we see each other we are always with the kids.
He replied and said that he knows we both did things wrong in our marriage. And he said he wants to be friends and coparents and then see what happens from there. He said he's always said that, which is total BS. He used to say he had hope for us but then it changed to wanting to be friends and coparents and wanting to move on. Suddenly he wants to see what happens? Then he says he does want to have some time with me without the kids to talk and hang out. He said "You may not think it, but I do like you." I didn't respond and five minutes later he sends me a text that says "I love you." All this while he is out camping with the OW.
I had to see him today for a mediation intro appointment and parent/teacher conference. He told the mediator that we weren't in a hurry as far as scheduling things. That was a surprise to me. He told me after that he thought about me alot this weekend (uh, yeah, when you were with the OW?). After, I told him I was really hurt about the other woman and I still want to work on our marriage for our family. I know, that's not DB. But I've been in a really bad mental state. He said he's not spending all his free time with the OW and if he wanted to he could even date others. When it comes to working on our marriage, he said that he's not there right now but he's not closing off the possibility of him coming back, not just for our family, but for us. He was very sweet and kissed me. I felt good at the moment but when I walked away I felt horrible.
I don't know if he's saying these things because he's afraid I'm going to text the OW and tell her how he's been acting with me or if he is just stringing me along. Maybe both. Friends say he likes having the control over me, knowing he can have me whenever he wants, and it is feeding his ego that there are two women who want him. I'm being told to not respond back to his text and just act like I'm moving on. The OW used to be the one who was "out of reach" for him and he liked that challenge and chase. Now, she's there and available and I need to be the one who is out of reach.
This is so hard and frustrating. I really thought I was moving forward a few months ago and now I feel like I'm right back where I started.
