I feel like it should be stickied by itself. There is a lot of clarity to it. Dude is wise.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Of course every LBS wants to know how long it takes to get to 11. The answer is: a lot longer than most have patience for. I've seen it happen in less than a year maybe twice. I've seen more in the 1-2 year range. I've seen most in the 2+ year range. I know no one wants to hear that, but I think if you know the reality of this you'll realize just how long the road is ahead of you. If you have to run a marathon I am not doing you a service by telling you it's only a mile long, then when you get to the mile marker tell you "oops it's a little longer" and such. You need to know how long a journey it really is.
I was in the less than a year range. However, my situation was unique in a couple of ways. First, I initiated BD, not the other way around. I always stress this to newbies because, while I think my W had been giving up on us for about a year, I believe she was still a year or so away from getting to the point of initiating BD herself.
I also believe, that once I initiated BD, she seized on it as an opportunity to use it to give me one last chance at real, and lasting changes. IE, she really didn't have one foot out the door yet like she claimed. Yes she was wayward, yes she had a fantasy in her fogged mind, but she wasn't really at the point of pulling the trigger on her plan to get job, get an apartment and to get a D.
So while I went from BD (self initiated) to R in roughly 3 months, that is a very very unique set of circumstances that allowed for that come about. No one should look at my sitch and think theirs will happen as quickly.
Also, this was our second go around. Her first EA was in fall of 2005. I discovered MWD and DBing back then! So while I did make the usual mistakes for 2 days, by day 3 I remembered DBing. And I started to do the things DBing preachs: GAL, 180ing, detaching. Letting her go to get her back. Being AMOAFWL!!!
Many of you are much more advanced in your sitches as far as how far along towards WAW initiating BD you are, and how long you've been doing the wrong things before switching to DBing. And how intent on Ding your WAS/WS may be.
AS' timeline is pretty spot on in 95% of sitches.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oh, and she will second guess herself. One dark night when she is alone, and the freedom she so desperately sought and was willing to blow up her life for has lost its sparkle, she will second guess herself.
Not now though. There is far too much momentum. From the sounds of it, when that happens it might be too late for her.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
The H is headed for a big trap with no way out if he agrees to be her BFF while she is wayward........b/c of the WW's disrespectful and selfish mindset. If she doesn't want to be M to him, why would he choose to be friends with someone who lies, betrays and deceives him? If he doesn't respect himself any more than that...….no wonder she doesn't respect him.
Originally Posted by sandi2
If you want things to change, and for good, it will probably require you doing a few things that may feel a little uncomfortable. We won't cross that bridge tonight, but just know if you intend to really change how she treats you and how she acts in the MR......it will be challenging.
Last edited by burned; 11/22/1802:16 AM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
The hardest part of being in this sitch is determining how to move in a direction that will get out you out of limbo. Whether it's towards R or D. Words mean nothing. Actions mean more but should be scrutinized.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
lost her you already have. There is no if when you ask the question about your marriage. Your marriage is dead, it died at BD. You have lost her at that time at the latest, but most probably a couple of years prior to BD. When she quit nagging you most likely thought that you were doing great. You were, but she was checked out by then.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
What if I told you that in 95.75% of the cases, talking about filing for D is actually an indicator that HE IS RETHINKING THINGS. The WAS is often confused. Especially if the LBS starts to move on. The WAS starts to be eaten up with thoughts of "am I doing the right thing here?" And with most humans, when they start having doubts on something they've convinced themselves they want, they take action.....or the illusion of action. Thus "Hey, I am going to file for D but need your help."
He doesn't need your help to file for D. If he is talking this way likely he has no plans to follow through. So why get yourself worked up over something that might not even happen?!? Especially since he likely knows just mentioning it will send you spiraling. Why let him have that kind of power.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
My two cents on the W vs H piece - I personally think a great deal of this is learned gendered behavior in our society. Women are taught to nurture others and to almost martyr themselves for the good of the family. So in walking away, they've had to give up SO MUCH of their identity to get to that point that it is probably harder to walk back. And for some of them they may secretly resent the position they lived in their whole lives. The freedom to cast off the identity that has been pushed towards them since birth may be too enticing.
I think this may be why DB is so important, especially for H wanting a W back. He must be patient and back off to show that it is not his intent to box her back into the pressures society has pressed on her. She must feel confident in walking back to him as a PERSON and that they have the freedom to redefine their own marriage outside of societal pressures.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
you do the 180s for you, and not for anyone else. Because if you start doing it for anyone else, you will be constantly looking over your shoulder and gnawing in dissapointment when you do not see anyone looking at that exact moment. You have to get your mojo back. You really think your W left because you were being a slob? No! It might play a miniscule part in it, but a very small part indeed.
180s are about getin your mojo back, getting your confidence back, loving yourself and your life. It is then and only then you will be attracting quality people in your life. Broken attracts broken...
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
