too late?

[kiwi]

H came over tonight to see the kids and get some more of his stuff, so we had dinner together. He talked a bit about work and it was going ok, until discussion came up about who would have the kids when. We had both made Personal plans for Sunday, we flipped coin and I lost, so I will have to cancel Part of Sunday plan, but what bugs me more is that he wants to go hiking with someone. First I wonder who that someone is and second it bugs me, because he never wanted to go hiking with me. That [censored] and I did not end the evening as composed and happy as I had wished, but said I had work to do and went into my room( well and my voice broke) . This your days/ my days stuff is complicated, At least we have the rest of the weekends divided for this year. So now I have Saturday for myself with no plans so far and Sunday plans don’t work out,

[FlySolo]

So now I have Saturday for myself with no plans so far and Sunday plans don’t work out,

If nothing pans out Saturday, go out and pamper yourself (facial, nails, massage). You will be surprised how much better you feel after. Also, go buy a good book (The art of not giving a [censored] is an excellent read) and sit in a coffee shop. It will seem weird at first, but it gets you out of the house. The emptiness is overwhelming the first few times the kids are away, but eventually, you will learn to love the quietness of it and the fact that you can do whatever the [censored] you like (stay in your PJs and watch rubbish telly, dance around the kitchen in your underpants, whatever). The time is yours and no-one is going to tell you how to spend it.

[kiwi]

So it has been almost two weeks since H moved out. I hated it when people said: you will get used to the new normal. I don’t want this to be normal. It is not normal when you are left behind by the person you could trust more then anyone else. But alas, reality is sinking in, we are getting into a kind of normal, which is not the normal I wanted, but I guess we need some normal. I also realized that Probably to H’s friendly behavior the last couple of weeks, I had too much hope, I guess even expectations. Now I am realizing, that this is most likely the end. He is going out a lot. On Wednesday he did not reply to S12 good night txt, so I assume he was out. And today he is invited to dinner he mentioned, I assume with a female, which he had made clear was his goal. Maybe I just did not expect it would be so soon. It hurts a lot.I feel like I should just give him up, so the pain will be less. He also has made it clear that he will file for D as soon as he finds the time. So I better be prepared. Considering all this I took of my ring yesterday and bought myself a new ring today. Not sure yet which ring to wear to school on Monday though.

Since H has the boys on a Thursday’s we agreed he would have them for a thanksgiving as well, but I invited them over for dinner, but probably would not do that again. We talked superficially and it felt wrong, when they all left for the night. The worst part was, when aI packed him leftovers for the next night and he mentioned his dinner invitation. I almost packed everything back. Well, that was the last time it happened. At the moment I also fell like I will not go to his parents for Christmas, should they invite. It feels just fake.

[DejaVu6]

Hi Kiwi. It’s been awhile. I was thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I am glad you posted again but not glad to hear about your new normal. You and I are in similar sitchs, no doubt. The new normal is not the normal I ever wanted to be in. But...nothing we can do about it. I think giving up is the key to start to find ourselves again. If only we could just flip a switch. But it doesn’t work that way. We have to go through this pain to get to the other side. My H is on the mainland. At a rehearsal with his buddies tonight and going to a high school football game tomorrow. In the 13 years we were together, my H did not go to one sports event at any of the schools he taught unless they were during school hours. This is the second game he has attended in as many weeks.

I struggle with the ring issue too. I haven’t taken mine off since we said “I do”. I feel like I should but haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. I know my H would like it if I would. He is gearing up for the beginning of the legal end of our marriage. He can’t file for divorce yet but he wants to separate our finances anyway. That is going to be a lot trickier and a lot more costly for both of us than he realizes even if we go through a mediator. We were home free financially before and now we will both be back living pay cheque to pay cheque. He has never handled our finances so he has no idea. He will find out soon enough though.

Hang in there Kiwi. Focus on you as much as you can. Your H is experiencing the newness of being out on his own and in his new place. He will be distracted for awhile. Eventually what is new will become old and he will start to look back a bit. Hopefully what he will see is someone who is doing well and feeling good about herself. You can do this. You HAVE to do this. I KNOW the kind of pain you are talking about. It is excruciating at times. It will get less so over time. Big (((HUGS))) to you.

[kiwi]

Today was a very sad day. There is this big heavy sadness inside me, that makes it so hard to do things, I should have cleaned the house or worked for school, but it costs so much energy. I am not even in the mood to read a book. I feel like I have to realize that this really is the end. And worse, I am wondering if H is right, that maybe our R would never have been happy. Just read an article about why couples stay in unhealthy relationships for to long, basically out of fear for the unknown. I am wondering if that was my motivation to stay. I definitely was not always happy, with H always working and barely spending time with the family or me. For years I have collected hike suggestions from the newspaper, all collected in a binder and maybe once a year we would all go on a hike, maybe in between I would go on a hike with the increasingly reluctant boys, we almost never went on a family vacation, maybe a few days once a year, otherwise he was to busy. On weekends I would sit on the sofa by myself most of the time while he was working on his desk. It feels like I have been waiting for him to have time for quite sometime. But I stayed, maybe I settled, because he is a good person, I could trust him and when we did things together we had fun. But still I miss him.

Today my mother in law called. H had already told me that she would invite me to celebrate the second Christmas Day with them. While I initially thought that that would be nice, I was not so sure about it anymore after a Thanksgiving and my realization that H is most likely dating already. I don’t want to be wife No 2 . I had hoped to be able to think about the invitation a little longer, but since MIL called today I told her I would not come, not without getting a little teary. She also asked if I would organize the kids presents for them like every year but I told her H should do that now. I feel bad for her and I will try to visit them after the holidays while I am still in Germany, but it felt like the right choice, I cannot celebrate Christmas with him and his family like everything is normal and the next day he goes out with another woman and will probably file for D a few weeks later. I just have to tell H about my decision. He is traveling for work at the moment. Maybe will email him within the next few days.

Tomorrow I will go to the city with the boys. I hope it will be fun.

[DejaVu6]

Kiwi... my heart breaks for you. I so know what you are saying. My H was absent as well. I was always taking care of the home and waiting for him. He was out doing what he wanted and when he was home, he was immersed in his hobbies. I was always last on the priority list. Strangely, I eventually just got used to it or made excuses in my mind. But when he did make time for me and we went out, like you, we laughed and enjoyed being together. He cannot seem to recall those times now. He also feels like he “tried”. I’m not sure when that was.

I still have no idea what Christmas is going to look like. I suspect he will come over in the morning to open presents with the kids but then disappear later on before my sister and her H arrive. We are going to have to have a conversation about it soon. The kids birthday is coming up too. His mom’s birthday as well. Last year we all went out for dinner. Don’t think that is happening this year.

I hope you have a great time with your boys. Give yourself permission to forget about your H for awhile. Don’t let your mind start making up dating scenarios. As they say on the board, it’s a cheeseless tunnel.

[Ruby100]

Kiwi - I can identify with what you’re saying. In fact I just wrote in my journal “So sad that the relationship I hoped that I would always have will not happen. All I ever wanted was for him to love me. Holding on, all this time, waiting”.
I’m sorry for your pain & I’m sending you a big hug 🤗.

[DejaVu6]

Hi Kiwi. Haven’t heard from you in awhile and just checking in to see how you are doing. I hope that you not posting is because you are too busy GAL and that you are doing well. (((HUGS)))