Cdd, I have a question that I hope you don't mind. Really looking at the sitch and everything H is doing, how do you honestly feel about all the physical contact from H? From an outsiders perspective I would guess physical affection is top of the list for your love language and H may be using this to string you along. If you really are ok with it then disregard my question but if there is some doubt in your mind about it I think this may be a good chance to set a healthy boundary for yourself.
My love language is actually quality time. H’s is physical affection, which he said I never gave him when we were married. I feel good when it happens because I get a glimmer of hope but then he leaves and I just feel stupid for thinking that way and confused. I think this is a game for him. He likes to have control and wants to feel wanted and pursued.
Remember, every time you kiss and/or hug him....you are kissing and hugging OW too. This is why I could never be affectionate with someone that was also affectionate with someone else. It grosses me out.
CDD, this reaction you had shows you have a long way to go and a lot of work to do. Your goal should be to be okay no matter what he says or does. Right now your goal is still to hold on as tight to him as he will allow you. The first goal is attainable with only your efforts. The second requires effort from both of you....and you can't control him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I really am struggling. He has the kids for Thanksgiving and I went away on vacation. I went to a place where he knows I have an ex who lives here and I keep in touch with, though I am not interested in doing anything with.
The day I left he sent me an early morning text (probably from the OW’s place) that said he’ll be thinking about me and he hopes I’ll have a nice time. I said thanks and he then asked me if I wanted to come over for a quickie. Here we go again...I said no and he said “Oh well, I’ll just call the 25 year old barista I f#*ked before. I didn’t respond.
Thanksgiving morning he sent me a text to tell me happy Thanksgiving and that he and the kids miss me. I didn’t respond and a few hours later he sent pictures of the kids and a “We miss you” message. The pictures got me and I replied saying I miss the kids. The. He said “I’m making stuffing. Can’t wait to stuff you next week. Have fun over there. I’ll probably sneak out when the kids and my family (they’re visiting) are asleep.” He was trying to make me jealous that he was going to step out of the house later to see the OW. I didn’t reply but now I am an anxious wreck. Wondering if my silence will make him mad or feel unwanted and push him closer to the OW. I realize it shouldn’t matter but I am having a really hard time with this. I read so many self help books and sites, I have a therapist and a life coach, yet I am stuck on him and what he says and does. What normal person says and does this?
Seriously...Cdd. What is WRONG with your H? My H has some serious issues but he would never, ever even dream of being THAT DISRESPECTFUL to me. It is gross. I think there is something seriously off about your H...no offense. If my H said things like that to me, I think I would find it much, much easier to move on. To answer your question... NO NORMAL person says and does that. NO ONE. It is just abusive as far as I am concerned. He comes across like a gross, chauvinist pig... He is trying to make you feel worthless and guilty. DO NOT LET HIM!!!
CDD, For your sake I suggest putting a stop to this immediately. I am as physical a male as it gets and would never, ever, ever speak to any woman like that. He needs to know that you will not be spoken to like that. He is 100% making this a game and you are nothing more then a booty call to him.
I'm sorry Cdd, but to me this screams of emotional abuse. I'm not an expert but I agree with Deja that this is not okay. I don't know your story (sorry, haven't read the full threads yet) but this is an example you're setting for your kid(s) that it's okay to stay no matter what. He is intentionally making you feel small.
Many many hugs to you, as I realize that you are obviously in so much pain on this. Do not text him back. You may wonder what it will "make" him do (I suspect your H has never been "made" to do anything he doesn't wan to do), but push it aside every time that thought enters your head. Instead, laugh at him in your head. Remind yourself of your power. You have the power to not text back. That is something you can do! This non-action of refraining from texting is actually an ACTION you can take! Every time you make a decision or make an action you will begin to feel stronger.
Thanks guys. Yes, I’ve been told it’s emotional abuse I keep hanging on because I want the comfort of what I knew, even if it wasn’t good. I want the financial stability. And I want the idea of the perfect marriage that people thought we had but didn’t have. I’ll be the first to admit I wasn’t happy with him and even ambivalent when we first started dating. But I have a history of having a hard time letting go of bad relationships. I don’t want to feel like I failed and got left for someone else.
It makes me mad that people think he’s such a nice guy. I thought he was. It’s the main reason I married him as I have a history of dating jerks. He never talked like this to me when we were married. It’s only now. I think he gets off on the control. I tell myself that walking away would be the best move for me and to show him that I won’t be around to stroke his ego.
Thanks guys. Yes, I’ve been told it’s emotional abuse I keep hanging on because I want the comfort of what I knew, even if it wasn’t good. I want the financial stability. And I want the idea of the perfect marriage that people thought we had but didn’t have. I’ll be the first to admit I wasn’t happy with him and even ambivalent when we first started dating. But I have a history of having a hard time letting go of bad relationships. I don’t want to feel like I failed and got left for someone else.
It makes me mad that people think he’s such a nice guy. I thought he was. It’s the main reason I married him as I have a history of dating jerks. He never talked like this to me when we were married. It’s only now. I think he gets off on the control. I tell myself that walking away would be the best move for me and to show him that I won’t be around to stroke his ego.
I really like your second paragraph. May I share with you something that helps me when I feel helpless? It's a quote from an artist I really like. I repeat it in my mind.
"We have to create. It is the only thing louder than destruction". -A. Gibson (queer spoken word poet. YouTube them if you'd like).
To me, this is what gets me through the day when I feel like there is negativity all around and I don't know how to respond. MAKE something. CREATE something. Have a positive moment. You are surrounded by negativity but by making yourself take 1 TINY action where you create something positive - that can really impact you. So find anything that you can do that you have a positive finished product. Make a cake (yay then you can eat it!). Knit a hat. Do a paint-by-number. At the end of it you have a physical product of something positive you did within all the negative swirl around you. For me this really helps.
I understand your desire for comfort. But remind yourself that this isn't really comfort. It's....pretty uncomfortable. Maybe you can search for comfort somewhere else, though you won't find it on Day 1. I also respect your desire for financial stability - that's not something to laugh at or diminish. But just try to weigh your financial stability against your mental stability, because it seems he's trying to erode the latter.
Ohmigosh Yali!!! I LOVE that. What a wonderful quote. It is so beautiful and simple. Thank you for sharing that.
Cdd... all I can say is that you are way too good for your H. He is being incredibly disrespectful and cruel. There is no excuse for that. He is doing it with a purpose...to make you feel less worthLESS. Know your worth!!! Dig deep. Look past your emotions. If your daughter was you, what would you advise her to do? What does your WISE mind say?
Your H needs some serious therapy, IMO, but you are not his therapist nor should you be.
