Introduction

[TJT]

A little bit of journaling...

Overall my week went better than I thought. It was my first work trip since this has all been happening, and I'm sure part of it was simply the relief that I didn't have to worry about what was going on back home. I was apprehensive about whether I would miss the text messages from H checking in on me or vice versa, but I was so busy it actually wasn't really a thing for me. I thought about it a few times but it didn't make me terribly sad.

That being said, I think that is also a testament to the depth of our interactions when I was away previously (or lackthereof) - we almost never talked live on the phone when I was away, only text (this was the case ever since I had known him, just not his style and it was this way with others in his life too) and only one time did he call and surprise me, after which I told him how much it made my day (multiple times) only for it to never happen again. *shrug*.

I did catch a cold or sinus infection or something while gone. I've been dreading this moment too because it's like oh hey, nobody around to take care of me but me now! Thank goodness for grocery delivery these days I guess...

I will say the past few days since I've been back, to coincide with my re-circling of frustration mentioned earlier, I've started to get that "itch" to contact him. Don't worry! I haven't done it! But I'm just having those feelings like I really want to talk to him and tell him how I feel, let him know I still love him, etc. Worried about if there would be a doubt in his mind how I feel, you know...OR even just ask how he's doing, somehow drum up some interest or feelings...OR little things I could do to insert a level of doubt into his thinking, or even into OWs (for example, maybe if I text him asking for more things on a regular basis, she will get jealous and start questioning - and maybe start busting his chops more and then things spiral downward, blah blah fantasy ended).

I definitely, definitely know this is all my mind just freaking out (but you can't deny there is some logic in the thinking, right?!) I am continuing to work on detaching and I actually do feel like I've been getting better at that, but this seems to be a "wave" happening to me right now where the feelings of not wanting to let go and accept what he's chosen are raining down on me again. Maybe it will pass more quickly than in the past... I guess that could be considered progress vs. expecting the thoughts to never happen again.

And the closer our anniversary gets, the more I will get a little weird in my head, obviously. It's just gonna be one of those milestones that I never wanted to have, having an anniversary pass that doesn't mean anything anymore... This really is the one thing that I've seriously considered saying something to my H about, in terms of something like sending him the wedding letter I wrote him or something. No big "rah-rah" but just something that says it's still a big day to me and means something to me and blah blah. But I know all advice is likely going to point to not doing that, it just feels so wrong not to. I will be happy when this "first" of not celebrating my anniversary is over (I assume it gets easier after that).

Also continuing to tell myself that just because we're not celebrating it doesn't make it any less true... we're still married, and until we're divorced the clock will continue to tick! As outrageous and unlikely as it seems, I admit that not thinking about everything as being so finite has helped me deal with it better. And hopefully as that's getting me by, I will gradually grow stronger to where I will be fine with it even if it is. I guess it's been about 6 months now since BD and 2 since we've been NC. While it feels like this has been going on forever, especially if I count the distancing that was occurring many months before BD, I know there's still a lot more time that needs to pass before I will be free of some of my thought patterns and yearning and grief. I am acutely aware and consider of myself being in these stages, while also seeing some of the progress I'm making, but still waiting to feel genuinely happy and whole again...that day cannot come fast enough.

[TJT]

Well, I got a text today from H, giving me a heads up saying he was working on the decree and might need some info from me to help fill it out.

I just went to IC yesterday because I was having a wave of grief after the holiday break that had me feeling just like the first day this all happened. We talked about how he still hadn't filed and how I felt about things and if/when I would ever file. Guess it's a non-issue now.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I am definitely surprised and absolutely even more hurt by this. It seems to confirm that he doesn't question his decision at all, especially given how apathetic he usually is about most other decisions in his life and rarely steps up to take action. He must really not love me anymore or have any doubt about my value in his life or whether his decision to divorce me is something he wants.

I know it's not over 'till it's over but I was not ready for this. Maybe it's because our anniversary is coming up in December that he realized he should do something but again, that would be very surprising to me if he thought that through and took action as a result.

Like I told my counselor yesterday and I've been saying in my posts, I have some great days where I feel I will totally be okay, but the days where it's bad, the pain is no less. I am afraid that even if the time between the feelings gets longer, I will never escape the depth of the anguish, and that anytime it comes to the top of my consciousness I will always feel as terrible as the day it happened.

Also, I initially just responded to H with "Ok". However, I definitely have an urge to remind him that this is not what I want and that my goal is to become his teammate in life and grow together and see everything we could accomplish together. I have the text drafted but I have not sent it.

I also feel like calling his mom, not to be like "omg your son just filed on me" but to simply let her know and talk, as a mother figure. I had sent her a few messages over Thanksgiving to see how they were doing and did tell her I wanted to call soon anyway.

Again I know this doesn't mean I should give up but god I really do feel like that's the only option now. I just really can't believe how this is unfolding and I really wish I could give a big middle finger and walk away realizing it's not the best situation for me. I just feel like I'm losing so much and that it's the dumbest thing ever and what did I miss and how did it escalate so quickly and how can people even be this way.

[SteveLW]

TJT,

Why does the thought of him filing for D scare you so much? Haven't you been essentially living as if you are D'd for a while now? What is it about the actual filing that scares you so much?

I see a lot of LBWs struggling with this. The H could be living in Timbuktu. Never contacting the LBW. Sleeping with 8 different women a night. Or even worse. But the LBW is so afraid of the D being filed.

You need to realize that filing for D is nothing more than a legal process. It does nothing to help nor hurt your sitch. There is nothing preventing your H from doing anything he wants before the D is filed as opposed to after. This is my point above. Say he files today. Tomorrow is no different because of it.

[burned]

I definitely have an urge to remind him that this is not what I want and that my goal is to become his teammate in life and grow together and see everything we could accomplish together. I have the text drafted but I have not sent it.

Pursuit. It won't help. Write it in your journal and save it for later. Someday he might be ready to hear it.

I see a lot of LBWs struggling with this. The H could be living in Timbuktu. Never contacting the LBW. Sleeping with 8 different women a night. Or even worse. But the LBW is so afraid of the D being filed.

You need to realize that filing for D is nothing more than a legal process. It does nothing to help nor hurt your sitch.

Steve, I've been struggling with this, too. Can you elaborate your thought process on this?

[TJT]

P.S. I know that the type of text I described could be interpreted as putting more pressure on him. That's why I have not sent it. But I do want to know if there's anything at all that I could say that would be appropriate just to emphasize that I have not changed my mind about working on the marriage, IF he wants to.

I am afraid that if he does have any doubt in his mind, his shame and ego would prevent him from admitting that and trying to come back. I want to convey that I am not going to judge him or condemn him and that I am still a "safe" place IF he has the desire to work on things.

Simultaneously, I also know that I alone cannot fix the parts of him that make him feel ashamed or that otherwise prevent him from feeling like he can face into issues to make them better. If he sees something as broken or a failure, he has to first and foremost be okay with that rather than choosing to ignore or run away from them because it's too hard, embarrassing, doesn't feel the best, etc.

Guess I'm still affected by the feeling that this is my fault and there is something major I could have done to prevent it all.

[SteveLW]

I definitely have an urge to remind him that this is not what I want and that my goal is to become his teammate in life and grow together and see everything we could accomplish together. I have the text drafted but I have not sent it.

Pursuit. It won't help. Write it in your journal and save it for later. Someday he might be ready to hear it.

I see a lot of LBWs struggling with this. The H could be living in Timbuktu. Never contacting the LBW. Sleeping with 8 different women a night. Or even worse. But the LBW is so afraid of the D being filed.

You need to realize that filing for D is nothing more than a legal process. It does nothing to help nor hurt your sitch.

Steve, I've been struggling with this, too. Can you elaborate your thought process on this?

Sure. I think I can answer your question with a question:

How is filing for D worse than the a) WAS leaving the home, b) WAS never contacting the LBS, and/or c) the WAS sleeping with someone(s) else?

[SteveLW]

P.S. I know that the type of text I described could be interpreted as putting more pressure on him. That's why I have not sent it. But I do want to know if there's anything at all that I could say that would be appropriate just to emphasize that I have not changed my mind about working on the marriage, IF he wants to.

I am afraid that if he does have any doubt in his mind, his shame and ego would prevent him from admitting that and trying to come back. I want to convey that I am not going to judge him or condemn him and that I am still a "safe" place IF he has the desire to work on things.

Simultaneously, I also know that I alone cannot fix the parts of him that make him feel ashamed or that otherwise prevent him from feeling like he can face into issues to make them better. If he sees something as broken or a failure, he has to first and foremost be okay with that rather than choosing to ignore or run away from them because it's too hard, embarrassing, doesn't feel the best, etc.

Guess I'm still affected by the feeling that this is my fault and there is something major I could have done to prevent it all.

All LBSs think like this. Everything you express here has been expressed by dozens if not hundreds of posters before you. We all struggle with wanting to say the right thing. And that their ego and pride will mean that can't change their mind again. And that they may not be able to see everything clearly themselves. And that it is our fault and something we could have done differently to prevent it all.

There is no right thing to say. There are right things to do. GAL, 180s, detachment!

Their ego and pride might get in the way. However, they had the same ego and pride when they stood before God and a crowd of friends and family and promised their undying love to us. Can their mind change again? Of course it can.

They may never see everything clearly. Or they may wake up tomorrow and say "what the heck am I doing?!?" As you say we have no control over that.

And finally, maybe this is your fault. And you could have done things differently. So what? You can't go back. All you can do is resolve to be a better person from this moment forward.....no matter what the WAS decides to do!

[TJT]

Haven't you been essentially living as if you are D'd for a while now? What is it about the actual filing that scares you so much?

Yes, it's not the physical reality of the situation that I'm scared about. It's the perception of dwindling hope, where before, I was sitting here thinking that maybe mentally he is rethinking things or has doubts about going through with it, or giving himself time (just like I was) to fully pull the trigger and call it quits.

So to me it's that indicator that yeah, sure, he is absolutely behaving like we are divorced, but I also haven't known for certain what he is actually doing (if people can tell me not to dream up / assume / think catastrophically about what he IS doing, then it stands that I also don't know what he's NOT doing and for all I know he could be sitting there every day depressed and just not acting on it). I've been hoping that maybe emotionally, he has been rethinking things during this time apart.

Again especially based on what I know of him as a person, I feel like it says something major. And also because there's no other logistical gain that HE gets from divorcing me - we're not going to fight over money or the house or whatever, it actually just adds more work to his plate in getting his own insurance, etc. So again - if he's willing to do all that, I am getting the impression that being legally "single" is really important to him, which leads me to believe he is either moving on in a really major way with OW, or just really doesn't want to be tied to me in any way.

I do get the aside from the legal aspect of being married, nothing changes the dynamic of our relationship as it is right now and the way we decide to "be" together isn't determined by a piece of paper. From that side of things, it's not like we can never ever have a relationship again just because of that. But I just feel like he's the type of person where once something is done, it's done, so the likelihood that we would legally get a divorce and then him come back later to say "wait nevermind" seems a lot more slim, vs. now where I feel like it would be much less of a mental barrier for him, if we are still legally married, to come forth and say "maybe separating was a mistake".

Hope some of that makes sense.

[SteveLW]

[
Yes, it's not the physical reality of the situation that I'm scared about. It's the perception of dwindling hope, where before, I was sitting here thinking that maybe mentally he is rethinking things or has doubts about going through with it, or giving himself time (just like I was) to fully pull the trigger and call it quits.

What if I told you that in 95.75% of the cases, talking about filing for D is actually an indicator that HE IS RETHINKING THINGS. The WAS is often confused. Especially if the LBS starts to move on. The WAS starts to be eaten up with thoughts of "am I doing the right thing here?" And with most humans, when they start having doubts on something they've convinced themselves they want, they take action.....or the illusion of action. Thus "Hey, I am going to file for D but need your help."

He doesn't need your help to file for D. If he is talking this way likely he has no plans to follow through. So why get yourself worked up over something that might not even happen?!? Especially since he likely knows just mentioning it will send you spiraling. Why let him have that kind of power.

Even if he finally get the gumption to file, then everything else I said is true. What you said makes sense.....IF you are letting emotion and what ifs govern your life. DBing is about taking the what ifs out of the life governing business. How? By putting yourself SQUARELY in the role of governing your life. GAL. 180s. Detachment. They all make you the master of your domain!! So take control of your life by GAL like a mad woman. 180ing and becoming the best person you can be. And most importantly detaching from him emotionally so that he doesn't have so much control over you and your emotions.

TJT, you've got this. You are a strong woman. You do not NEED this man in your life. It is okay to want him in your life, but needing him in your life makes you weak and pathetic....something you certainly are not.

[burned]

TJT, I'm sure it makes sense to a lot of people here. And there you go again making me think that you're secretly a computer that can read my mind and take my thoughts, replace "W" with "H" and call it a day. You. Are not alone.

What if I told you that in 95.75% of the cases, talking about filing for D is actually an indicator that HE IS RETHINKING THINGS. The WAS is often confused. Especially if the LBS starts to move on. The WAS starts to be eaten up with thoughts of "am I doing the right thing here?" And with most humans, when they start having doubts on something they've convinced themselves they want, they take action.....or the illusion of action. Thus "Hey, I am going to file for D but need your help."

Steve, that right there is an eye-opener. I'm going to let it percolate a bit...TJT, since we seem to think along the same dimensions, does it resonate with you? I recall a conversation with my parents a few weeks ago when I said, "W is stubborn as a mule, and it's usually when she doubts herself most that she starts making strong moves." Something along those lines, anyway.